Bipolar support thread?

[Crawling]

Ive noticed there are quite a few of us and thought maybe a thread for us would be good. All are welcome those diagnosed and those awaiting diagnosis.

Ill start with Ive been depressed so long now I dont remember how I used to feel, yet id still prefer this to mania as the havoc I reaked last time was very painful to clean up after my episode. If I had to chart my mood today between 1-10 1 being I cant think how to make a cup of tea and 5 being good 10 being the tv is talking to me and I must go out now im about a 3 today what about you guys?

[Bunfags]

Sorry to hear that you're feeling dodgy DoctorWhoFan. I feel much the same way, but I've just been told that it's to be accepted. The Psych, CPN and GP all said that no amount of meds will stop all the bipolar symptoms. They advised that medication is just one of the tools for managing the condition. I'm discharged from the recovery team now, so I just see my GP. He said that the mental health services are under a lot ofo strain and want to get people off their books as quickly as possible, but bipolar is a chronic condition that requires managing.

It hadn't even occurred to me that the lamotrigine might not be effective anymore.

How long have you known you had BP?

[Crawling]

Does anyone else find that their memories of a manic episode are fuzzy?

[Bunfags]

Deffo Crawling.

[Crawling]

I also wondered does anyone experience hypersexual (sleeping with people other than thier partner) and hyporage?

If so am I the only one who finds this very traumatic and gets flashbacks of the things ive done?

[Bunfags]

Crawling, I have become very angry. Yy to the hypersexuality too. I still get flashbacks of manic episodes and cringe. God, I'm cringing now.

[Crawling]

This illness sucks Bunfags

[Bunfags]

Do you think we can find a way to make light of it? On the good side, I can look back at some of the things I've done during a manic episode and see the funny side now. I bet you can too.

[Crawling]

Yes some are funny one thing that sticks in my mind is when I was pg on Dc1 I became paranoid that dp was cheating but Whats funny is the image of me 8-9 months pg trying to creep and hide in bushes trying to be all stealthy in order to catch him cheating.

Needless to say I was neither hidden nor stealthy the image of the above me 9 months pg and crouching in a bush makes me laugh. What must people of thought?

[Bunfags]

That's a goodun Crawling. See, it's not all doom and gloom. That is rather comical, hope you don't mind me saying so. I've had the paranoia about DP having affairs too.

How are you feeling today? I'm feeling down at the moment. It's difficult to deal with people at the moment because I'm very fragile. I can't tell most people that I'm feeling this way because some bright spark will tell me to pull myself together. I hate the idea of having to justify my mental health to people, so I'm basically a hermit these days.

[Crawling]

Bunfags I am a hermit to its hard im sorry your feeling so down today take it easy and try to see every thing you manage to do as a achievement. Do you have a sad box? It is horrid peoples opinions on mental health.

Im feeling a bit better today still dont have the energy to do much though. Feel free to laugh at me hiding in bushes me and dp do. I dont know sometimes how dp put up with me I really dont.

[DoctorWhoFan]

Haha Crawling that's genius! Sorry to hear you're feelin crsppy Bunfags I'm feeling exactly the same. I had a friend let me down YET again today, and I'm really wondering what the point of having RL friends is. Every single one of them lets me down. Maybe I'm impossible to have a relationship with, but my DP and I have been together for nearly 3 years, so that shoots that idea down, especially as he has seen me really bad.

I dunno. I'm starting to feel it's just not worth the effort, especially as so much of it seems to be one way. Sorry ladies. Feeling crappy.

The only reason I'm even out of bed is that she was supposed to be coming over. I'd have had a duvet day otherwise.

[Bunfags]

What's a sad box Crawling?

I'm glad you're feeling better today. I'm low on energy too, but I need to be getting back into work.

Sounds like you're having a rough time of it too DoctorWhoFan. It's upsetting when that happens, did she phone first? You never know though, being this way makes me wonder who else could be depressed or anxious and putting on a brave face. Do you feel better for getting up though?

I've managed to piss someone off today. I volunteered to do a few bits and bobs for them, but haven't done much recently. It's not as though I can say, "look, I've had an episode of depression with psychotic features, narrowly avoided hospitalisation and frankly, I'm still feeling rather unhinged."

It's an effort to get washed, dressed and eat at the moment, but it's embarrassing to admit that and some people really don't understand.

[Crawling]

A sad box is a box you put some faverite things in like chocolate fave films fave books anything that makes you smile photos. You put them in and then you cant go near the box unless its a sad day then you can get it out. It only works if you dont go in there when happy though.

DoctorWhoFan sory your feeling rough I hope you feel better soon though. I had a few one way friends I dropped them as they were making things harder for me.

[GoddessofSuburbia]

Can I join in? BP2 here, on 150mg of lamotrigine morning and night, with prn lorazepam/zolpidem when I'm getting manic. Usually I'm pretty stable, but having to take prednisolone because I've got pneumonia on top of fairly severe asthma has meant that its all kicked off in rather a horrid way.

Currently I'm so low, so anxious, so much like an empty shell. About pretty much nothing too; in that I've got no real reason to feel the way I do apart from my flippin' neurotransmitter a have decided to have a hissy fit. I'm hiding upstairs in bed (perhaps I should join Vicarinatutu's thread too) and leaving my DP to the marauding attentions of our teenage offspring, who, along with DC1's girlfriend, have decided to make cake pops. They are all also singing opera loudly, and badly. DC4 is hassling to go buy a glue gun. I feel guilty as hell for not helping out when I could, but just don't want to. I bloody hate this illness, and I bloody hate functional depression. At least when I'm really ill there's no option for me to be able to do things, thus relieving some if the guilt...

[Crawling]

Welcome Goddess I get what your saying about feeling guilty about not doing much. Im sorry your feeling so down particularly anxiety I hate anxiety. I hope you feel better soon.

[CajaDeLaMemoria]

I'm sorry to intrude but...

Does anyone take Depakote? Is it safe to increase my dose?

I feel very close to the edge tonight. Ive spent the last half an hour swilling hot oil around the pan and resisting the urge to touch it, and now I'm crying upstairs. There's nothing left. It's been a horrible day but this has been building and I don't know what to do.

[Crawling]

Caja I dont take depakote is there someone there with you? Can you last till morning and then phone your cpn to ask? If not what about crisis?

[Bunfags]

Crawling, the sad box is an great idea, thanks.

GoddessofSuburbia, it's easier said than done, but try not to feel guilty. You are looking after your mental health, and it's just what you have to do. Sorry to hear that you're having a rough time. Let yourself off the hook though, you don't need to give yourself a harder time.

CajaDeLaMemoria, How are you feeling now? Perhaps a cry will help you feel better? I've never taken Depakote. Can you call anyone like your GP tomorrow. You could even call your local crisis team and ask them if they can find out about meds. I'm sure they would be able to help. Don't be afraid to use any help you can.

[funnymum71]

I know I shouldn't laugh, but this comment...

"look, I've had an episode of depression with psychotic features, narrowly avoided hospitalisation and frankly, I'm still feeling rather unhinged."

Could have been me speaking to my boss today about why I'm not going to be back in work until the end of the month. Its the truth about what's happened over the last two months, but instead I've had to be upbeat and positive.

[funnymum71]

What I love about this thread and reading it, is the realisation that I'm NOT alone.

No, I am not happy that people are feeling miserable, down and having a hard time. But having somewhere to come and talk about it and know that its not just me really helps.

I've not taken depakote, but my GP has prescribed me some zopiclone so I can actually get to sleep at night. Hooray.

[Bunfags]

It's absoulutely fine funny. I just wish I had the balls to say stuff like this sometimes. Some people don't understand, but I bet some people would take it in their stride. You can never tell who will be sound about things though.

You've got to look on the funny side, because it helps you to deal with it, but some things can also be funny in retrospect. Like Crawling and her DH.

Once I convinced myself that the government bugged my phone because I looked at the David Icke website. I'm actually more ashamed of looking at David Icke's site than being delusional. Please don't judge me for it. In my defence, I wasn't well at the time.

[Bunfags]

Funny, it does help when you know what other people have gone through. One of the reasons I'm very careful about who I tell, is because you can become very ill with bipolar. A lot of people think you just feel happy and sad, but it goes way beyond that and you can become very ill, as in scary ill. I worry about people judging me for that.

[TheDeathOfMirage]

Good evening everyone. got myself banned for the fourth time hence name change.

I am feeling rather elated and clever tonight. But as usual, back to the depression by tomorrow morning.

[GoddessofSuburbia]

What I love about this thread and reading it, is the realisation that I'm NOT alone.

No, I am not happy that people are feeling miserable, down and having a hard time. But having somewhere to come and talk about it and know that its not just me really helps.

This. Oh yes. Also yes yes to fuzzy memories, to the extent I try to get DP to keep a record of what happened and when, so I can debrief and make sense of it all when I'm well again. And yes yes to cringing embarrassment upon getting hazy snatches coming back to you. Time for one of my selected 'highlights', given that we are sharing. I don't remember much of this; he told me between giggles when I was well enough to have him debrief me. I'd been spooling up for the previous day or so, and was fairly, erm, exuberant. When I'm high, I come all over unnecessarily domestic goddess-y, and get urges to clean the house like never before. In my well state I veer towards slatternly-ness, as I find there's inevitably more interesting things to do than wash skirting boards, etc. I'd nigh on exhausted my DP, who is my tail gunner when I'm ill. He also has BP2, and thus gets it completely. He'd been following me around all day and evening, making sure I wasn't doing anything too daft. He found me on my hands and knees in the kitchen, about to scrub the kitchen floor for the third time that day. He calmly asked me if I thought it was really a good idea, and suggested that perhaps scrubbing the floor again could wait until the morning given the time. I'm told I petulantly tossed my head, in a manner similar to that of your average toddler, and haughtily informed him that "I always wash the kitchen floor at midnight!" Given he'd never before or since seen me wash the floor- I usually get a child to do it- I still haven't lived that one down.

Bunfags, it's funny, I worry about the opposite. I worry that people judge me more harshly if they don't know I'm ill. As in, I figure that if they know I'm ill then at least I have a sort of a hope they'll understand the reasons for why I'm behaving as I do, rather than just assume I'm being a complete moron out of choice/lack of consideration for others. I figure it's a bit like sneezing when you have hayfever; sneeze in a lift, and people step to one side for fear of catching a cold. Tell them you have hayfever (if indeed you do, and it's hayfever season of course), and they nod, visibly relax, and make vague understanding noises. At least some of the time...

Today, so far, is not quite as bad as yesterday. Fingers crossed it remains that way.

[DoctorWhoFan]

Morning ladies. I should probably say afternoon, but seeing as I took my quetiapine last night and have only been awake for about 20 minutes, afternoon seems a little inappropriate.

How's everyone doing today? I'm a little worried about Caja as shes not posted since saying she felt close to the edge.

II'm feeling like hammered shit, frankly. But hey ho. The worst of it is, when I take the quetiapinem I have utterly horrible dreams about my DP leaving me. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me, and without question, the love of my life. And at 45 I feel quite entitled to say that, cos I've dated a shit load of scumbags! But the thought of being without him sends me spiralling down.

My life would literally not be worth living without him. I can't tell him that though, cos its a lot of pressure to put on someone you love who has seen you suicidal, and found the goodbye letters you wrote when you were like that.

Sorry about the "poor me" post, but I really needed to let it out. Flipping meds make me feel worse than when I don't take them!