we were all in the bed, this is the 2nd thread....roll over! roll over!

[ThatVikRinA22]

so we all rolled over and hellebelles told us to get our arses out of bed......

ive started a new one because there are only a few posts left on the old thread before it gets full.

nana ive described myself on the old thread just for you!

so.

nana hellesbelles mama ed silvery and basset and any one else who posted on the old thread or who relates to our experiences and wants to post on the new one....welcome to the new thread.

old one here

Am still up as frightened to go to bed after the terrible dream I had this afternoon, in case it comes back and DP away which makes it all worse. I didn't think anyone would be up this late (early on a Sunday morning!)

morning all

since it's motheri.g Sunday, is it also mumsnet day?

vicar if you are definitely seeing everything truly, don't go back - your recovery is too important, take the three year sabbatical (or resign) and find something else.

at least you know ds doesn't mean anything by not considering mothering Sunday. small comfort, I'm sure.

impressed that your positive list is longer than your negative list ed. I imagine the point, though, is not to make a list of negatives at all!

hm is a complete arse nina you were right to seek help. not sure what to suggest about the nightmare but hopefully you're asleep and in a happier place right now.

are you getting sprung today snowy?

well, dm has been trying mind games on db and me about mothering Sunday. got df to tell us that she wants nothibg from us because we don't care about her. what normally happens (she does this every year) is that we both spend a bit more and try harder with pur gifts to prove her wrong. not this year - we're honouring her wishes. however, unlike db, I still have to go round today to pick up ds. glad I'm at church first.

ds very excited about the gifts he has chosen for me. he's a thoughtful shopper and seems to enjoy choosing gifts. apparently he had a list ready with the names of shops beside each item when df and dm took him!

Have to confess I don't have a v good track record re Mothering Sunday myself DB is taking my aged Dparents and my DSIL and one of his sons out to lunch, I am 300 miles away but will be going down to see them all soon.

Am a right hypocrite as I love DS giving me card and flowers - he is back atm but has been out a lot and currently is asleep, so don't know whether I'll get anything.

Being agitated through stress doesn't mean you have bi-polar - anyway that is just a label to help the psychs imho. Hypomania (hypo=below) is also just a label for a symptom. At the meeting with my psych last year in which I was discharged to GP, at the very end I did some v rapid networking with him, trying to get him on board re my involvement work, only had a minute or two so spoke quite fast as you do, when I saw my notes he had written 'pressured speech' on it! Health care professionals beware! not everything is a symptom! context is all.

I am dead proud of myself for yesterday.

Some of those are tiny jobs. But each one was an acheivement. And no I am not supposed to put any negatives on there...but that was for this thread.

This morning I was oh so tired. Painfully painfully tired. Only dragged myself out of bed cos had to take dd3 swimming. Been to tesco tho.

Im bit cross tho. Asked dtds to have a shower and strip their beds and do homework whilst I was out.

I've come home and they've done half their homework. No showers. No beds done. So I'm angry.
I'm a bit disappointed by my mother's day gifts. Thorntons choc which I don't like. Id rather have a bar of fruit and nut. A wine glass which is fine..better than a mug seeing as I don't drink hot drinks...a cushion which doesn't go with my decor in any room. A card from dd3 where she is wearing a tshirt saying I love ows ds...so bit sensitive about that...and it all looks like its wrapped up in xps leftover valentine paper. All irrational...but feeling despondent. And feeling disappointed that im feeling despondent.

I haven't even posted my mothers card either. So feeling shit about that.

My shopping is still all over the floor.

I think I need to crash for an hour.

im tired too ed

i had been toying with not going to stables today, but went anyway. I was meant to have my lesson today but my usual horse is lame so didnt get to ride. Also felt a bit cross with RI, her DD was there today and told me to do something, then when i did it RI said i shouldnt have....then i got a lecture even though her DD told her that she had told me to do it....felt like dropping tools and sodding off home.

i struggled to get up too this morning, and even though ive not been back to bed much at all over the last few weeks the knowledge that i cant go back to bed next week because of the bathroom being done is making me feel a bit hard done by

its going to be hard to have someone in the house all week and not be able to just go to the loo when i want to. ill be so glad when its all finished.

anyway, i really am shattered and im going to watch a bit of telly, have a glass of red wine and go to bed.

DS has txt to ask if im in but i dont think i will be very civil so im not going to call him tonight. DH and DD reminded him about both my birthday and mothers day and he didnt bother with either.

never mind.

snowymouse are things getting any more bearable for you as an inpatient. You will get used to the routine and think you must try to look forward and think that at least they will get your meds sorted to keep you out of hospital in the future.

Hi everyone else !

Hugs vicar....

I did sleep this afternoon but haven't sat down since...just tidying my kitchen from roast...

Well I didn't get to sit down.

I am in bed and I can't sleep.

I have a bit of an active mind...found out a (distant) friends 'd'h has been having an affair with a teenager...so now im churning my xp scenario.

'Friend' called early. Behaved like nothing has happened. Moved some more goalposts. Just causing me to quietly seethe...for no specific reason. Just because.

I have a huge list of things to do tomorrow...
Brownie prep
Shower/bath
Docs (don't think I took my meds today...)
Pay bills (same ones as I didn't do last week)
Email school...Make an appointment to see/speak to them re bullying. I have 3 sheets of A4 detailing incidents from the last week :(
Bake a cake.
Tidy kitchen before I can bake cake.
Tidy lounge as xp will probably pop in whike dtd2 is getting changed.
Print dd3s homework
Order some mothers day flowers for my mum because I'm a shit dd and can't organuse myself to do it sooner.
Post mothers day card that I forgot to post...ditto above

Why have I started churning over everything at 2am???
I've been given a relaxation cd but have nowhere to play cds at this time of night...crikey tomirrow us going to be utter rubbish. Too much to do. No time to sleep. No sleep tonight.

Thing is I feel as though I've been on the go all day today apart from a short nap. I just don't have anything much to show for it. I literally downed tools at 00.15...yesterday I think my anger energy carried me through. Today I was just so disorganised I think...doing half a job...going somewhere to get something else...getting distracted etc...felt like I had a million little jobs on the go...

Ho hum...maybe if I witter on long enough I might even bore myself to sleep.

I can't even look back and send personalised responses to yoh all because we're on a new page...

Hope you all had a good mothers day tho :)

Ed, I read the lines about how you felt today. I have had many months like that and what made a difference was slowing down and focussing on a few items and gradually building up. It made it more achievable for me. I guess in my case, I had developed a paralysis response of sorts as whatever I did in the workplace was always wrong (according to the mangler). This meant at home I would either not start or not complete and would become overwhelmed.

I have been reading about the difficult moments in your friendship. I want to come back and write more. I think it is making you anxious and if you can perhaps work with this, it may give you enough breathing space to work through the rest. From what you write, your friend has maybe not been fully understanding of your difficulties (before and after my PTSD, my manner of relating has changed even though I was a supportive person or so i thought - before). Can you decide how you want the friendship to proceed? What are you seeking from it and could any of that list be moved to another source to alleviate any rough patches in the friendship?

Hugs to all - you have all been little mothers to me and I want to say a big thanks for helping me as I work through this.

XoX

PS Ed - is it a pattern of productive day followed by nonproductive one/s? Could you somehow work this out to balance it more so you don't feel let down on days which are not as seemingly productive? Either trying to achieve a more even spread or by letting yourself understand this is how you operate (don't think you are entirely happy with it ATM though)

Huge thanks for t
Your comments mama. Can't rocess them at the moment.

I feel too ill. I got about 4hrs disturbed sleep. My eyes hurt. I feel sick. Need to prioritise the stuff on my list....can't do it all...need to. Ger more sleep...no choice...can't function...drs can wait...school email might have to wait but thats wrong priorities..

Shut I'm rambling again...

ed - is it at all possible you could just write off today due to lack of sleep, write the list down of things to do and start them tomorrow?

remember to take your meds today, maybe just veg on the sofa, but try not to nap and see if that helps with the sleep tonight?

i went through a very similar phase of waking in the night. I think the thing with your friend is playing on your mind, and she has stirred the unresolved feelings up again with the last conversation you had with her.

if it is her that is making you feel worse could you just tell her that you arent up to much contact at the minute?

helles i would love to just not go back, and the whole case conference scenario is worrying me hugely, but i just cant afford to jack it in. One of the things that is really playing on my mind is what the inspector said about putting new recruits under pressure to see if they can take it.....why the fuck would you do that??? after the probationary period aswell? so they spend all this money on you, get you through 2 years and then just pile the pressure on deliberately until you crack?? WTF methodology is that? its really pissed me off.I think its the sgt covering his arse because he knows he hasnt supported me in any way shape or form. Inspector made me feel stupid, weak. Like if its all a "test" to see if you can cope then i couldnt. You know the more i think about it the more i realise my issues are less around the job and more around the shitty backward culture.

im going to apply for the fixed term position in the council in a minute - if i can concentrate while the bathroom is being ripped out.....

i really need to do it. i hate applying for jobs though. i can do all the mundane questions but the sell yourself bits im finding impossible to write....

I can't just write of the day.

We have a brownie fundraiser tonight and a lot of my tasks relate to that. I will be minimising what I do tho.

Cake is in the oven.

Didn't make drs appointment but have taken meds.

Need to write email next and tidy lounge. I will dump it all in bedrooms vacuum and deal with tomorrow...or weds...

Sorry as you can probably tell I am in a bit of a panickef ramble...just dumping thoughts. Will (hopefully) feel better tonight after brownies is over. ..unless I am wound up by 'friend'.

I am thinking of taking a terms break from brownies but cant until April for various reasons relating to dd3.

i think taking a break is a good idea. Lots of the stresses are around brownies, so not a bad idea to just have a little sabbatical imo.

i must do this job application. now.

stomach is churning.

Right if you do application I will tidy my lounge...deal???

deal. ish.

ive done the fiddly bits but im stuck on the essay evidence based bits....need a break while brain rests.
will go back to it later, DH is in now and distracting me with tv.....

it will be completed by tomorrow though.

only one tiny problem i can forsee - they will check my sickness record and due to this pile of pants depressive episode its not gonna be good,.....i think thats going to do for me getting another job.

Hugs.

Snap on illness thing.

I think it would be much worse for me trying to go into teaching...seeing as I don't even have my first job.

Hey ho. I know I'm not capable of working atm so trying to ignore it.

I feel back in control of my day.
Baking done.
Brownie prep done.

I now have 2 hrs to prepare myself and kids for brownies (find pjs have a shower and cash for fundraiser...).

Another leader is going mid afternoon to set up and I would like to try and go help because that will take pressure off me at start of event and means I can have a bit of a vent chat...

I should say I kept my end of the deal...lounge is presentable. Kitchen looks used but presentable. Just need to take a couple of bags of stuff and hide in bedrooms...

i havent.

im sat with pen and paper and the job description and person spec.

havent a bloody clue what to put.

hope everyone else is ok.

snowy did you have a nice day for mothers day yesterday? hope you got sprung for a few hours...

love to everyone else. x

well. ive written something. ill sleep on it before i send it.

im a bit sad tonight anyway, DS keeps trying to call and i just cant answer the phone to him.
he ignored my birthday and he ignored mothers day. despite dh and dd reminding him. i shouldnt be sad, but i am.

i spent hours on phone this morning with dsis who is having a terrible time with ex husband, so feel emotionally washed up tonight. cant deal with ds and i know if i answer phone i will be arsey.
best not to answer.

im so sorry for the selfish ramblings folks - i am thinking of you all, im just not good at remembering whats on previous posts unless i scroll back....but i just want everyone on this thread ot know that i think the world of you all and appreciate the help and support you all give.

i do hope snowy is ok.

x to all.

Evening.

I think mama (?) Said it all a few posts back. Happy mothers day because you all feel like mothers on this thread.

My dds bought me a cushion fotlr mothers day with the definition of mother on. And every single person on this thread and the previous tick every box on this definition:

caring. Yup you all care about others on this thread. Offering advice and words of wisdom despite your own challenges.
loving every single one of you shows love in your posts. Love for others. Love for your family. Love for your friends. Love for your pets/animals. Love for strangers.
reassuring thats whar this thread is all about. I can say no more.
devoted you have all devoted time, energy, empathy, virtual hugs, company to others on this thread.
teaching some of us are relatively new to the world of poor mental health. We are teaching each other the 'normalities' of this illness. Some of you are unfortunately much more aware and offer advice based on prior experience. Some just use common sense and a bit of positivity to teach us that staying in bed all day is bad :o.
comforting. That one word speaks for itself.

Well if that is the definition of a mother than I would have been proud to call each and every one of you my mother over the last few months. THANKYOU.

right now I need to sleep but would like to do a quick resume of todays positives and negatives.

Positives
Empty dishwasher
Reliad diswasher
Bake lemon drizzke cake (which recieved many compliments :) )
Blitzed lounge.
Blitzed the dumping ground aka the bottom of my stairs.
Vacuumed lounge and kitchen
Prepare signs for brownie stalls
Put cash on dtds lunch account
Shower
Make up
Set up hall for fundraiser
Run brownies
Semi sorted tumble dryer contents.
Emailed school about bullying.

Negatives
Dirty mixing bowls still in sink
Chopping board and crusty bread crumbs still on work surface. Kitchen generally a tip.
Lounge now a tip.
Bedroom now a tip (lots of stuff got dumped during tidy)

Right niw I'm knackered. In bed...wonder what time I'll sleep???

Don't be too harsh on ds vicar. Does his mental health problems contribute to his lack of 'sensitivity' and awareness of otgers emotions? If so don't gice him a hard time. Just accept its not all his fault.

Well done on application. Defo good to reflect and sleep on it.

Hugs and waves where needed...worried that a couple of you are awol...

Night all.

Oh..and on tge positives. ..had a catharcic rant with a different friend about tge challenging friend...released some tension. .

ed thats lovely. thank you.

also noticed some are awol....

im feeling a bit odd - tired but not sleepy. i can however have a day off tomorrow - a pj day even. no bathroom fitter in as plaster is drying.

so i may have a lay in. and not feel bad about it. ive not had a proper lounge about in pjs day for ages.

then ill tackle application again.

ive ordered myself some perfume - a gift set i wanted was on sale in house of fraser, so ive ordered it. i shouldnt have until after pay day but sod it.