we were all in the bed, this is the 2nd thread....roll over! roll over!

[ThatVikRinA22]

so we all rolled over and hellebelles told us to get our arses out of bed......

ive started a new one because there are only a few posts left on the old thread before it gets full.

nana ive described myself on the old thread just for you!

so.

nana hellesbelles mama ed silvery and basset and any one else who posted on the old thread or who relates to our experiences and wants to post on the new one....welcome to the new thread.

old one here

Procrastinatio....Queen of it at the mo...need to start this diary...appointment is at 11...

So so sleepy. Think I got to sleep better last night which surprised me as I thought the pms would leave me tossing and turming more in the short term....that said I didn't settle down untill 1am.

Hyperventilating at mnhq going offline.

You cant do that to me...I need this thread to fabricate this diary...

Diary done.

It's an interesting profile of restless nights and sleep thru the day...

Must get dressed to level 3 (am currently level 1.5 (pjs under my tracky) and in bed...in the sense that im cold and keeping warm under my duvet.

May see friend briefly this morning as she has a nurse appointment as I come out of therapists appointment. ..could be interesting...

ED Don't make up a diary tell your therapist about how hard it's been to complete it. If they are any good at all they will be happier for you to do this as they can then help you address your difficulties more effectively which is the point of doing the diary in the first place.

They won't be cross at all. If they are they are not very good and are just following a process with no thought and you should seek another therapist. The reason for doing it is not to have it published in a book!

Please try not to stress and remember they should be there to help you and should be very used to people finding this hard. Water off a duck's back!

When I say fabricated it isn't actually.

I just haven't filled it in as I go along. This thread is however a very very accurate resume of my last few months so I have used this to fill it in. There are gaps. There are question marks. But on the whole ot is done

Kind of think the biggest problem is that if I filled it in as I went along I would get more out of it as I go along if that makes sense.

To be fair in the last 4 weeks I have had a week at centre parcs...so not normal routine at all. And a week very ill. Once again not normal routine so it hasn't been very representative. This week I have also had a huge crash (emotionally not in my car) so not representative of normal routine but is representative of a crash.

Hopefully your therapist will completely understand that.

Im back.

Feel bit bullied by therapist. Keep getting told that I was doing the wrong things. Maybe I'm just feeling paranoid.

She could see very high levels of stress, anxiety and 'hypermania'. She was very guarded when writing in her diary for next session...keep asking myself why?

Need to process some thoughts...

Didnt bump into friend which is probablu a good thing...

How are you snowymouse - hope you can go out with your family on Sunday. Not sure what the chances of that will be though..........hope you are part of the new care plan they are workin on.

My HM is asleep thank god, hope he's worn himself out for a long time. I n spite of that I am still having trouble remembering what everyone is saying on the thread. I am ashamed to say ua I cannot remember your back story so will re-run thread to find it" SPC I love your posts and think "oh I must answer that" then others come on and I've forgotten - bit the same with you HB - no offence at all - it's just that when HM is very bad I don't tend to come on, or briefly and then by the time he's gone I've lost track!

For some reason Vicar and Ed are people I seem to remember and SPC and HB but not too well for anyone - think the memory cells are slowly dying - oh god that would be dementia wouldn't it..........aaaaargh.

I know with you Vicar the job business hangs over you and I don't think you can hope to get any better until that is sorted one way or the other, though the one thing we can't do when dep/anx strikes is make decisions. I think as well it is very easy to replay connversations and re-frame a lot of remarks as negative.......I do this quite a lot. It's the nature of the boody beast.

Sorry about your DD. being bullied - hang on have to be careful I don't get mixed up with Ed's DT1 being bullied. Are the stables going to help this weekend. Don't know where yu are - I'm in West Midlands and it is slowly steadily drizzling with a grey leaden sky, but we had 1 day of spring on Tuesday!

Ed One of your recent posts really worried me, when you were driving inthe middle of the road and thinking you had lost the way to your DDs schools etc. Think the general consensus was that it was lack of sleep . The argument with the friend hasn't helped either has it. Re DT1 it's difficult to know because girls of that age do fall in and fall out and group and re-group as part of the adolescent process. I have a DGD of 12 and this happens at her school. There is one girl who gathers a group of girls around her (she is Queen B type) and they all stick together, then Queen B drops one of them and so the others turn on Queen B and she cries and finds her older sister in the school who has a go at the girls who have turned away from her sister. Some of them return to Queen B and the whole cycle begins again. My DGD is not one of the chosen ones, nor does she want to be.

I was wondering if DT2 could support her sister - don't imagine they are in the same class but def in same year. However given DT1 has had some psychological problems

I do NOT like the notion that you felt bullied by your therapist. Ok you might be hypersensitive (as we are when mentally ill) but your feelings are real and if that's how yoy experienced her - as a bully, then that must come out in the open. To get anything out of therapy you need to feel safe and comfortable with the therapist, and a good one will know how to discuss things with you that are slightly challenging but leaving you still feeling supported. Who is this therapist anyway - are you seeing her on the NHS, and what does she mean by "hypermania" - were you not able to ask, and can you say what made you think she was guarded when booking the next
appt. Glad you and Vicar are Pming as this will be helpful for you both I think. Can you find another therapist?

The CPN is coming at 3 this afternoon - I got in touch with her recently because my bad days were going on for so long and were much greater in intensity. She is a lovely person so I am not anxious, but just want her views on change of meds or referral to psych etc.

Love to everybody.

Hi. Just going to answer nanasquestions because I think thats important...you always have a lot of questions for me .

Dtds bullying...dtd2 is letting her hang around but her friendship circle is completely seperate. Its working in the short term but don't think its a long term plan. There is also an issue where another queen bee type character in this group has in yhe past been very vocal about not liking dtd1 and her friends (and I was worried at one point a few weeks ago about a clash of the queen bees). Its the weekend so we get a break from it. And dtd1 isn't in class beginning of next week as she has dress rehearsal and matinee performance of a signigicant production. So at the mo I'm going to watch and wait. There are however bus problems. Once again she is supported by dtd2 here.

Therapist.

She is nhs. Don't know what her formal title is but I call her my therapist. Think that was what she was. Called in my booking letter. I just know she isn't a counsellor. It isn't talk therapy. I apparently only entitled to 6 sessions with her.

Anyway. BulBullied is a strong description. I just feel I am being constantly told what not to do. What I am doing wrong. I guess thats in some senses kind of the point.
We were talking about the friend situation a lot and how thats set mr me back etc. Talking about thoughts...actions...behaviours. I was talking quicker and quicker and fidgeting. And waving my arms. And getting louder. Thats when she described me as hypermanic. I'm sure that's the word she used. It was definitely hyper something. I just assumed that she was giving the technical term for that type of behaviour. Having googled it to respond to you I think my assumption was correct...but comes up linked with bipolar a lot...which has now scared the s $/t out of me.

The diary...at the end of her appointment she always writes the next one in her diary along with s few shorthand notes. I've seen her put things like 'rev BA' which I assumed was review behavioural activation diary. Today when she was writing in my diary she was holding it such that I couldn't see a thing that she was writing. She wrote quite s lot tho.

I guess that today being session 5 of 6 (I think) and being described as hypermanic. And now finding out that is linked to bipolar. And her being secretive with the diary and as you say being hyper sensitive. And snowy being sectioned this week...I dunno...just a bit uncomfortsble...and uncertain...and scared.

Hello all you lovely ladies so many of us are struggling at the moment .
But with such dignity and humour and selflessness . The help here is immense and communication [whatever form it takes ] is the stuff that stops us feeling so damn isolated with this illness . Good old mumsnet and all that support here .

Dont want to waddle off and say nothing so ......best for me now to hide mental health threads. Not feeling too good and unable to say helpful things .

Vicar ... you started this thread and have helped so many people already .
I do believe that if the force can find you part time shifts in a more local station that you will feel better and more valued . You are needed in the police lovely lady. But understand so much if you have reached your limit .

ive hardly time to post this as need to take DD somewhere and then go shopping....but i have to say basset i will miss you and your contributions so so much if you dont feel you can speak on here. You dont have to say helpful things! no one does! sometimes is just good to read. sometimes good to post. sometimes we can help others - sometimes we cant. and thats fine

i wish you wouldnt go if you ever do find this thread of any help. If its not helpful or even detrimental then i understand totally - but please dont feel that you ever dont have a voice or that what you say isnt helpful - it so so is.

I could say the same as vicar but she says it so much better. ..so I'm just going to copy and paste...

but i have to say basset i will miss you and your contributions so so much if you dont feel you can speak on here. You dont have to say helpful things! no one does! sometimes is just good to read. sometimes good to post. sometimes we can help others - sometimes we cant. and thatsfinei wish you wouldnt go if you ever do find this thread of any help. If its not helpful or even detrimental then i understand totally - but please dont feel that you ever dont have a voice or that what you say isnt helpful - it so so is.

I just wanted to say, big group hugs to all, can't manage much more

I have been told in the past that hypermania is sometimes seen in depression ed and I've certainly had it pointed out to me a few times.

I know some people, of late, who have had their clinical depression recategorised as bipolar 2 which is mostly depression and some mania.

one cpn said he thought I was bipolar but, when I raised it with doctor, he said not because I'm not euphoric while it's happening and it's more extreme agitation. with that in mind, did you enjoy the feeling or were you super-agitated?

thanks for lovely words and comfort .
think maybe you have seen this ...but tis lovely to see again .

Go Vicar go .

I am sending hugs to all and apologise for being away this week. I will come back later to reply to some of the posts.

It has been a - I am lost for words - tough, challenging, draining week but I have made it here and I know that compared with a few months back there is a difference. Extra hugs to you all for keeping me company and being lovely.

NN I am sooooo glad with your positive note about HM.
BF take care and if it helps you to post, please do. I have never managed to find the right way to say this but you have when you wrote about the support and communication.
SM many thanks! I hope the days start to brighten up a bit as spring approaches.
Ed I want to right more but since you posted about the argument, it reminds me of how I feel when my anxiety has been tripped overboard as a result of PTSD. I like HB's distinction.
HB LucyE Blizzard and anybody that's slipped through the gaps in my brain - little wave to you!
Vicar and Ed I am sorry to hear about the bullying. Quite sad.

evening everyone - just a really quick post but my brain is a bit addled and i apologise now and in advance if i miss anyone out....

NN im so glad HM has gone to sleep - may it be a long one. fingers crossed.

ed re the bullying - i would talk to school. I wanted to talk to DDs school but she wouldnt let me but in the end she did it herself, school are now on board and while they are not doing anything that DD didnt want them to do to alert the bullies to the fact school now know, they have moved her in lessons, and are supporting her.

the bullies are now finding themselves isolated anyway - dd is well liked and people are tending to support her and remain friends with her over the bullies.

in other news i spoke to occy health today and the counselling service also got in touch.

im still feeling really odd about the whole meeting with inspector. I do feel very much that i am being seen as 'dead wood'. I was told that i would have be remain operational (which is fine - wasnt angling for anything else) and was told there was "no way" for me to "avoid work" which implies that someone thinks im lazy....which im not. i dont shy away from work at all. I was also told that putting people without much service under pressure is the norm, and inspector seemed to think it normal and acceptable that i had 4 times as many cases as my colleagues.

HR have brought up my sickness record with occy health.
i did not feel reassured in any way by the meeting yesterday. im not sure what i expected tbh. i know that its not made me feel any better about returning.

i havent done the application for the 2yr fixed term job either - closing date not until 17th march so am going to have weekend "off" and do that on Monday when i have a quiet house.

am not going to stables tomorrow. feel the need to have a day off though i am going to have to get up early for electrician, also having bathroom fitted next week so will be a nightmare....again will be forced out of bed which is fine, but i really feel the need for pj day which i wont get for a week and all the while i know things coming to a head re work.

at least while these meetings have been conducted in my own home ive had the support of DH. Its all starting to feel overwhelming again and ive not even gone back yet.

the temptation to run away from it all is overwhelming. it feels like punishment rather than support.

That wasn't very quick vicar .

This will be quick tho...huge thanks to vicar and silvery for listening to me rant. Although I'm nit going to put full details of the argument on here due to the nature of it it id worth me saying that the 'conclusions' offered by vicary and silvery are that 'friend' is being emotionally abusive. It does look like she is taking advantage of my vulnerabilities. I am letting her control the friendship. She is moving the goalposts on me. Possibly manipulating me to get things her way. So I need to address that. But that is likely to cause stress..which may spill onto thread so worth me outlining the scenario without giving the specific examples.

I am feeling overwhelmed at the mo. Bullying still an issue today. Bully is turning on dtd2 now too so I will be discussing with school on Monday.

Therapy session today as freaked me a little. But ive talked about that.

Friend situation needs sorting...going to actively take a step back and see how it goes...without cutting friendship. The thought of that is making me feel energised actually...so watch this space.

I haven't sorted anything for mothers day...was too late...so thats shit.

I did toast marshmallows on the hob. That was fun. We all enjoyed that but they tasted disgusting.

We had a quiet evening of board games so that was nice.

Issues over step fathers ashes have arisen again...I don't need to do anything about it per se...but I do need to show some empathy and 'say the right thing' if that makes sense.

In bed...gonna read for s sort while then sleep.

Huge hugs for everyone. Sorry I'm not following everyone too well at the mo...my brain is very mushy (I think I might have missed some meds this week...but I'm not sure when...)...huge hugs to you all and I am thinking of you and I do appreciate the comments particularly about bullying...bipolar etc. I need to read through them properly tomorrow.

Lied about it being a quickie again...

Hi all, been thinking of everyone.

Hi snowymouse glad you are keeping touch - do you have family or friends to visit? Sorry about all the Qs Ed - day from hell here, the HM after 5 days of sleep is making up for lost time and someraulting around my head and I've been in bed most of day and had terrible dreams- so scary. DP is away for weekend which makes matters worse.

I know it;s ok to come on here and moan and I'm sorry I can't reach out to anyone today.

Hi all.

Sorry nana and snowy are struggling.

There is hope. Despite my hideously low few days...and slightly sluggish morning I have been on fire for the rest of the day. Hope my twin has mirrored me. Will post more later. I am absolutely shattered but positively glowing with inner energy.

hi everyone

i was hoping HM would sleep soundly for a while NN. sorry you are struggling again.
snowy hope you are as ok as can be while in hospital - i do hope your family treat you to a lovely mothers day.

i love to see people back posting - so more waves to mama and basset and everyone else.

DH worried me a little earlier and yesterday - he says im being hyper and a bit manic....i am swinging around the moodomitor a bit i have to say....

lord knows whats going on with me. i dont.
i am trying so so hard not to think about work.

my skin is rubbish and i need a facial so will treat myself after pay day. im regretting being so open with work, feeling quite scared about this case conference, suddenly it feels much less about support and much more about how to tighten the screws....

DS appears to have forgotten its mothers day tomorrow - no card from him.
not that bothered but enforces how clueless he is regards anyone elses feelings.

ill be at stables all day tomorrow anyway.

had a nice day today with DH, went to a garden centre!!! but had a lovely evening. feeling tired now so off to bed soon....

i hope everyone has a lovely day tomorrow.

Evening all.

Well I was hoping you wouldn't follow me with the mania vicar :(

Glad you've had a nice day though.

Now...I have to write a positivity diary...only positives allowed in it. I haven't got my notebook for it yet so I guess it is going to go on this thread...so here goes...the resume of my day.

Awake 7 with dd3.
Dozed until 9ish.
Up 10ish. Level 2 dress.
Walk to butchers for tomorrows lunch.
Move easter eggs to garage from boot of car (belonging to the brownies and easter bunny...they've been in my car for a week)
Emptied diahwasher.
Cleared rubbish.
Did some tidying in dd3s room (her Christmas presents still haven't been put 'away'
Prepped lunch. .easy...croissants and pain au chocolat...should have been breakfast...
Loaded dishwasher.
Put a load of washing on
More tidying in dd3s room
Made lasagne for tea...homemade but from frozen bolognese leftovers...but homemade.
Half heartedly tidied kitchen (I'm flaggig by now...). Everythings tidy rubbish is out, but still got some trays to wash up tomorrow.
Measured my boobs for the bra thread.
Put another load of washing on.
Read with dd3
Finished crocheting dtd1s toadstool called trever.
Drank half a bottle of wine.

In amongst that I have also motivated dtds to tidy their room too :)

Negatives...
Still got some tidying to do from tea
Had another minor ruckus with 'friend'. I'm currently not reaponding to a 10pm text...she can wait.

Think that is all tho...I have to say I am on a huge high and have my sticker chart ready and waiting for helles.
I am absolutely shattered tho (6hours proper sleep lst night...and a huge list of proper jobs).

Off to bed...no lay in tomorrow for me as we have swimming lessons followed by tesco. I have agreed we can have a pajama day tho so will be back in level 1 when I get home :)

ed that sounds very busy but very positive and you are putting me to shame....!

tomorrow i am leaving the washing and cleaning to dh...off to stables for the day so wont be around....DH is being so good.

it is really weird isnt it how our moods are very in sync....ive never felt manic before but wondered if my meds had kicked in a bit too hard....dont think im manic exactly, but i was very "up" to the point DH had to tell me to shut up and calm down.... twice. both today and yesterday.

its short lived though.

i think im just putting energies into other things to avoid thoughts of work. its really scaring me now. its starting to feel like ive done something 'wrong'...talk of case conferences and sick record. i wish i could just leave.

anyway - i shoulld be asleep now (clearly arent) but im going to try and get to bed. dh is snoring....ive also had 1/2 bottle of wine....might grab a quick cuppa and get to bed.

goodnight everyone.
will be back tomorrow evening - i do hope you all have a good day tomorrow.
DS has not send a card for mothers day - im not overly bothered but it does demonstrate his absolute lack of regard for me. even a call to say he hadnt sent a card would have been good. we spoke last night but argued - he is so bloody rigid in his thinking which of course i know is his aspergers but its so frustrating! he was moaning about something uni related so i suggested he speak to the disability team - he was immediately dismissive and negative and refused to even try so i gave up and got of phone pronto.....i cant deal with him at min.

he will never ever learn. he is so set in his ways he wont deviate from his rigid thinking and all it would take is a question to someone in the know! he drives me insane.....

anyway. have a good day all. sorry im rambling again.....
goodnight! x