we were all in the bed, this is the 2nd thread....roll over! roll over!

[ThatVikRinA22]

so we all rolled over and hellebelles told us to get our arses out of bed......

ive started a new one because there are only a few posts left on the old thread before it gets full.

nana ive described myself on the old thread just for you!

so.

nana hellesbelles mama ed silvery and basset and any one else who posted on the old thread or who relates to our experiences and wants to post on the new one....welcome to the new thread.

old one here

At least you've identified what would suit you best. vicar.

Ed, girls or cakes?

Night all.

Quckie.

Good morning...woke up several times feeling positive between 8 and 10.

Got up not long after I woke...which was really good. Put the tumble drier on. Tidied some rubbish. Picked a few things up off the lounge floor. Did my tax disc (online). Did part one of brownie (girls) prep. Had lunch. Did part 2 of brownie prep making a huge mess of my lounge in the process.

So all pretty good. All pretty positive. Except I am slowly getting more anxious about the brownie meeting. Every girl is bringing an adult. I'm leading. So although I struggle enough with the 24 brownies atm I also have to stand up in front of 24mothers. So I'm getting nervous. I'm getting shaky.

Then I have an argument with my friend. A big one. And it's my brownie leader. And its about tonights brownie meeting. I'm already so stressed about it that I'm at boiling point. Now I'm sobbing my heart out. I'm shaking so much with so much emotion I can't even hold my phone. But I'm not actually crying. Since being on meds I can't seem to physically cry. So I'm crying inside because I can't let it out. I can't talk to anyone about it because its an argument with friend. And its all too close in time to deal with.

Meeting went ok in the end. But it was very tense. I might quite brownies. I obviously can't even cope with that at the mo.

So tonight im not flat. I'm feeling strangely inspired. I'm boiling with rage. But I'm not flat.

Rant over.

snowy thats shit. Truely shit (told you I'm boiling with rage). They come across as being acutely worried about you but they can't be bothered to communicate that to the other people that matter.

vicar you are sounding more focussed which is good. A bit scared of the execution but focussed.

Sorry I can't remember what everyone else is doing and we're on a new page so can't flick back.

It's bedtime tho so I'm sure a group hugmust be in order :)

Sorry that wasn't a quickie was it???

why why why do i do it? why??? why do i get drawn into police bashing threads? ive just posted that its a timely reminder of why im not ready to get back to work....i care too much and take it all personally.
im not cut out for it.
i would need to develop a way thicker skin and a much more devil may care attitude.

its 1am and what the chuff am i doing? i should be in bed. im annoyed with myself now.

Huge hugs vicar.

I've just turned my phone back on because I'm too tense to sleep.

Dunno what else to say cos finding it really difficult to see outside my zone of anger.

if you want to get it off your chest then im here....just making my way to bed but my PM is always open....sounds like this thing with your pal is eating you up a bit tonight.

sleep on it. it may look different in the morning and if it doesnt, and if you still really really angry, then maybe, your anger is justified?

i sometimes think that we just get told to swallow our anger down and in reality i dont think its healthy.

i had best get to bed or i will never get up in morning....DD gets up at 6.30 and im awake from then.
gp appt at 9.30 so i cant go back to bed....

Night.

Im just tense.

Im just running tgru the scenario in my head...am I in the right...that kind of thing. I know I am in the sense that I have tonights texts to look back on and justify my argument.

But in some senses she is using my mental health against me. Claiming that she did/didn't say stuff and "I think its a bit of a joke when you can remember that but not your daughters birthday". "You should have known i was joking". Its pretty shitty. Its too much pressure. It makes me question myself and my capabilities.

But I am churning over in my mind did she say that a week ago or not? Yes she did. I forget complete conversations but generally things I can recall, I recall accurately.

Thing is I'm stubborn. I'm not going to back down. I stand up and admit when I'm wrong. But I don't back down if I believe im in the right.

She's even more stubborn. She won't admit when she's in the wrong. She will have to have the last word....

I'm just ranting. I'm just churning. I'm just mulling. I'm just articulating.

Think I eventually went to sleep some time between 2.30 and 3.00

I realised I left the heating on last night and think that was making me uncomfortable too.

I'm still fuming tho. Looks like I might just have lost my only friend that had any idea where I'm at. At least temporarily.

I'm back in bed. Need sleep. Thanks for letting me rant last night tho...not that you had much choice :o

Ed I've done the same re-running of things from all angles, as you say churning away. Things always looked better in the morning, I called these nights 'dark nights of the soul'.

vicar I was up late and read the thread you posted on, clearly something went badly wrong for that poor woman, but your posts spelt out clearly the problems that the police have regarding mentally unwell people, and the safeguards of individual freedom that, rightly, you have to work within.

I'm sorry Ed, I hope it works itself out positively. Hugs.

I hope your Gp appointment was useful vicar

Good morning afternoon all, level 2 here.

Stillon edge.

Have napped for an hour. Still exhausted byt can't sleep.

Can you rest at all (rather than necessarily sleep)? Have you tried a hot milky drink? (or chamomile tea), or a piece of toast (carbs also can make you a little sleepy).

I'm in bed but im unsettled. I'm fidgety.

I don't do milk. I don't do hot drinks. I might get something to eat tho.

Does music help you unwind? (Just throwing random ideas out)

Hmm...

Not really. Have had another hours sleep now...best drag myself out of bed.

I hope the sleep helped a little.

getting close to unbearable urges. I will try to ring crisis team if it gets worse.

snowy, would it be worth ringing now before it gets worse?

Thanks HB, the crisis team turned up this evening, I didn't know they were coming, so I talked with them.

So glad, snowy, did you see my PM btw?

Oh sorry, I didn't. Thank you very much for the offer, I find the phone difficult at the moment.

Posting works though

You had a difficult day snowy but you got through it, and posted to help Ed too. Hope your brain has stopped churning Ed [hugs]

evening everyone. snowy im glad you feel able to post, again im sorry you are having a hard time of it right now. At least the crisis team seem to be around for you, which is good.

im having a very anxious day indeed - my stomach is churning and i keep having to run to the loo....i can feel the acid in my stomach aswell and feel quite ill.

work phoned today within minutes of me getting back from gp. I do feel a whole heap better than i did, so its time now to start to really get to grips with going back to work.
GP did me another sick note for 3 weeks with a view to getting something sorted within that time frame.
inspector is coming to see me but i dont know when, and occy health suggested a conference which would see me, senior management and possibly someone from HR attending to discuss my options.

it all feels like incredibly hard work this does - i thought OH would act as a bit of a go between but its seems not really, they can recommend things but management and HR have to ok it. so now im really nervous.

OH advisor suggested she would talk to HR and tell them that a week ago i was thinking of a career break...(read handing in notice)
GP thinks i need to go back to actually see how i feel about the job - and then leave with my head held high if i feel its not for me but she thinks the only way to test the water is to get back in there now.

im dreading it. im already worrying about what everyone else is thinking and saying.

im torn between going to friendlier station further away or sticking with closer station with a generally nice (apart from 2) bunch of people but who i just dont slot in with.

DH says go back with a view that its temporary until i get something else.
i so wish i didnt worry all the bloody time about everything, counselling services are going to call me this week with a view to getting me on the waiting list for that through OH too - should be faster than NHS waiting lists.

i was ok this morning. but now, given a day to think about it, im a nervous wreck again. But im going to have to face going back at some point.

im going to stables again tomorrow to play ponies. should take my mind of it unless management decides that tomorrow is the day they are coming out...

Are there any other pros/cons apart from friendliness and distance? Are you someone who feels better once you know more about the options, it's easy to imagine things when you don't know what the options are?

I hope the stables help

I don't blame you for being nervous, I would too