we were all in the bed, this is the 2nd thread....roll over! roll over!

[ThatVikRinA22]

so we all rolled over and hellebelles told us to get our arses out of bed......

ive started a new one because there are only a few posts left on the old thread before it gets full.

nana ive described myself on the old thread just for you!

so.

nana hellesbelles mama ed silvery and basset and any one else who posted on the old thread or who relates to our experiences and wants to post on the new one....welcome to the new thread.

old one here

Thanks mama, much needed and appreciated. Hugs.

Hoping you're ok snowy

I'll update once they've been, not sure what they think they can do tonight. :(

They came and talked and removed items from my home to make things safer. They are going to liaise with cmht tomorrow. I'm apprehensive/fearful about what cmht may say, not really sure what people can do to help.

I also wish they didn't use welfare checks as a sort of threat, thankfully I've never had that happen, they threatened to if I didn't let them in tonight.

oh snowy - im so sorry you are still finding it tough going - do talk to the crisis team honestly - whatever you feel they are there to help you - i know it doesnt always feel like it but you need to talk to them.

mama thank you for your thoughts - im chewing your post over....you are right on just about every level really - but i need to have a think about what it is i want. Im loathed to hand notice in but only because its all so final - it may be that i come to the conclusion that this job just isnt for me, but i want to be sure before i do it.

im pretty certain i cant cope with full time, at least not in this job - full time is full on, long shifts, - i tried so hard but its too demanding along side the demands of home....so it depends on whether my needs can be accommodated, or not.

im going to stables again tomorrow, and most of weekend. will try to push things to back of my mind for a few days - constantly mulling it over gives me the heebie jeebies....its better when clarity just comes to me.

love to all....hope everyone is still reading, post when you all can and hope you are all ok. I am out Fri and Sat....woo hoo! DS is home this weekend - and we are going out as a family (with DDs boyfriend included! we are honoured !) for a meal....seeing some old work mates on Fri night....if i can be chewed. DH has offered to go get DS from uni on Sat morning, i still feel quite anxious though about that - i hate him doing that run alone - its a horrible drive. Ill see how i feel....

x

Hi Snowy hope that you sleep peacefully tonight and tomorrow brings you peace and the right help for you . I dont know enough about the struggle you are going through to say right words. Sending a hug and hope tomorrow will be kinder and you feel supported by the care team .[gift]

Vicar Occ Health have given some food for thought. What are the realities of getting part time work in the main station ? They sound a good team there
Part time could just make that difference you know ? The balance you need .
I did it and it served me well for a long time until other stuff came along in my 50s . I hope that the force can find you a part time position which will use your skills and common sense and duty. To me always you sounded overloaded ..not incompetent or other daft stuff .........just plain exhausted and being drowned by the crap todays world expects of the police force. You can only do what is humanly possible in one day . Then leave it . Takes time to get that mentality when you have given your all though I know.

Loving your words and joy in the horses . I sense you are getting better every day by your posts and so pleased . We have a farm nearby that trains racing horses .Watch them on the gallops and the carousel . The young ones who have to be coaxed by the grass in the jockeys pocket . Ah such joy and no matter how low and hopeless I feel ........that sight uplifts me .

hugs to everyone else and hope you ok .

Goid evening all.

I forgot to post last night . I forgot to take my phone to bed yesterday .

Anyways...yesterday nap in the morning (id only had 4-5 hrs at night), went out in the afternoon with friend. Very tense. Wierd atmosphere. Think I know why and is a stupid, childish reason. But she is my rock atm so don't think I can afford to drop frirndship.

Today was a crash day. Well and truly.
Got up...level 3...school run. So so sleepy when I got back I went straight to bed. Read for a bit. Slept from 10ish till 1ish. Then read til 3 finushing my book. Had lunch. Got dressed again. Level 3 + makeup for parents evening. But feeling very very down in tge dumps. Don't think I ever did my resume from my centre parcs break so here is is with my (negative) lightbulb moments from today.

• I am not consistent with my dcs. Stress means I dont treat them equally perdon to prrson; time to time; event to event.

• I don't say no enough. I think of everyone else before myself. Which is probably fine. But not yo tge exclusion of myself.

• although my best friend is my rock. Does supposedly know how 'ill' I am thats not the same as understanding how hard everyday life is. Sure she knows I'm forgetful. She knows I muddle my words. But she doesn't understand how hard it is inside to constantly be sociable. How hard it is to just stand up from the sofa/bed to do an everyday task.

• my dd3 is not progressing at school (from tonight's parents evening). Is that because I'm lazy with her? We arent reading daily. I do no times tables practice etc. With her. I have little interest in encouraging her to do her best at her homework.

• being sociable is hard. Really hard. Governors (effectively strangers) tried to hold a conversation with me today. It was hard. So so hard.

• delivery of a parcel mid afternoon. I was in pjs. Delivery driver wasn't sure what to say to me. I was, disgusted at mymyself.

• my children are lazy. Who can blame them with a mother like me. With a role model tgat is lazy.

Life feels so crap atm :( and I don't kniw how to change it.

Hugs to everyone, especially those that are struggling. Waves at snowy helles vucar silvery bassett and anyone else that ive missed....wheres nana? And anyone that's lurking.

Sorry for the rant....I shoukd pist more when im positive so you can see I'm not slways like this.
Life is just

whoa there ed....this thread is for posting when we need to.....dont be sorry for ranting or not being positive.....its here as a sounding board.

so. you had a bad day - a blip - thoughts are spinning around your head and you are reading far far too much into things - which i am also guilty of.....

so here are my 2 penneths....

Don't think I ever did my resume from my centre parcs break so here is is with my (negative) lightbulb moments from today.

• I am not consistent with my dcs. Stress means I dont treat them equally perdon to prrson; time to time; event to event.

brilliant. you have identified a perceived problem - the key thing being you have identified a possible problem....insight is a gift! you are aware of it - which means you can alter it.

• I don't say no enough. I think of everyone else before myself. Which is probably fine. But not yo tge exclusion of myself.

guilty as charged your honor....i reckon this is a curse of most of us on here....again - you have identified it - so you need to work on how to recognise it as it happens and pause, say no, i also need to do this.

• although my best friend is my rock. Does supposedly know how 'ill' I am thats not the same as understanding how hard everyday life is. Sure she knows I'm forgetful. She knows I muddle my words. But she doesn't understand how hard it is inside to constantly be sociable. How hard it is to just stand up from the sofa/bed to do an everyday task.

have you told her? if so and she is still insensitive to it you maybe need to point it out more often - or just have a little evaluation of what you are getting from the friendship.

• my dd3 is not progressing at school (from tonight's parents evening). Is that because I'm lazy with her? We arent reading daily. I do no times tables practice etc. With her. I have little interest in encouraging her to do her best at her homework.

doubtful its you - but cover your bases - draw up a little 20 min timetable to do every school day....read school book after tea each day? maybe on times table at bedtime?

• being sociable is hard. Really hard. Governors (effectively strangers) tried to hold a conversation with me today. It was hard. So so hard.

yep. its really really hard. if you cant manage it then smile, be polite,and excuse yourself - you re not obligated to make small talk if you cant do it.....as long as you are polite it will be fine.

• delivery of a parcel mid afternoon. I was in pjs. Delivery driver wasn't sure what to say to me. I was, disgusted at mymyself.

this is just because you are feeling guilty about being in PJs mid afternoon - the delivery driver really truly couldnt give a rats arse what you are wearing....he is just thinking about delivering his parcels and getting home.....he will have seen way way worse than a woman in pjs....do not dwell - its nothing. truly.when im on nights im in pjs until 6pm....i answer the door! it matters not!

• my children are lazy. Who can blame them with a mother like me. With a role model tgat is lazy.

wrong. your are projecting because you feel lazy...guilty. just because you feel it doesnt make it true! its the depression. if you were that bad then your kids wouldnt have made it to 12 without problems! im super lazy. really i am. it bears no reflection on my kids. my DD is so different to me....DS is similar to me.....i doubt very much that my pjs make any difference to that! its their make up... and mine.

Life feels so crap atm and I don't kniw how to change it.

not while you feel crap is the answer. just go with the flow until you feel a bit more positive - and i know you have positive days ed....today just wasnt one.

Hugs to everyone, especially those that are struggling. Waves at snowy helles vucar silvery bassett and anyone else that ive missed....wheres nana? And anyone that's lurking.

waves back....

Sorry for the rant....I shoukd pist more when im positive so you can see I'm not slways like this.
Life is just

life is just hard when you are depressed.....and we know you are not always feeling crappy....you have kept me going for a long long time now and im grateful for that. dont be so hard on yourself.

lastly.
which we arent meant to do on here so keep it under your hat....

x

Ed you're simultaniously overwheming yourself and beating yourself up about it. Imho chanting the times tables or some of them each evening would be my number 1 priority:)

Daytime sleep yesterday was useful last night

Meant to say, the chanting would be calming and mind stilling for you, and knowing one's tables makes so many things much easier and quicker.

Good morning all. Thanks for all the kind words, CMHT person is coming soon

Well, CMHT person has just gone (she was assessing suicide risk I thnk). My psychiatrist is ringing later to say what options she feels are feasible, ranging from crisis team to being admitted.

I am finding this difficult.

Yes, I expect that's what she was doing. Have you got a preferred compromise, cos it looks like they deffo think you need more help?

My preferred compromise is to stay at home with the crisis team, hope psych feels likewise.

Hello everyone - in a dark place at the moment with the HM on the rampage for about 12 days I think - never been this bad before. Worse cus DP isn't here but he needs to go walking sometimes. Had 3 long cries this mornng and am scared. He's away for 2 weekends in March with the ramblers and am dreading that.

Snowy I feel so selfish winging on when you are on your own all the time and have the threat of admission hanging over you. Wish I could help you.

Ed I skimmed your post about the CP break cus can't concentrate at the mo but all the same found it really interesting. Will go back when I feel a bit better - usually get a bit of respite in the late afternoon, evening.

Want to reach out to others but no go at the moment xxxx

Wanted to

Oh NanaNina, I'm so sorry to hear that your HM is still bad, and for so long. Is there anything you can do which helps with it at all?

You shouldn't feel selfish!

The psych wants to admit me. I really can't handle the thought/idea. In the meantime I've got the crisis team. I'm not sure that she understands just how much I couldn't deal with it., though I tried to say. :(

Thanks UA, that's kind of you (and glad to know it's not just me that doesn't like inpatient treatment, some people go on about the rest they get(?!?)).

I'm sorry that you're having a rough time too, what are you questioning?

snowy for me it was a rest - or at least time away from having to cope, having to think what to cook, the endless washing, the overwhelm, and above all the lack of support from my now Ex. And I was far from down when I went in - just the opposite in fact. So I know my experience doesn't relate to yours.

But I did also find some peace, some good people to talk to, and some reasonable food. Also some very irritating people, considerable boredom, and the continual worry of how to get my next packet of cigs .

The Crisis Team is not designed for long or even medium term support, and it seems you are not well enough to cope with just a CPN? What about the day hospital?

Sorry, I should have just said some people do find hospital useful/restful, my psych was insisting today that I have found it helpful before. I think it's easy for me to be negative at the moment.

Although the CMHT person did talk about prn, crisis team and/or day hospital, the only 'option' the psych wants is to admit me, which is a shame. I'll just have to see what happens/how I can get my wishes across.

no need to apologise snowy, I think we may have already mentioned our differing experiences on a different thread :)

:) I think it does help some people, I'm not completely anti.

How's everyone today?