we were all in the bed, this is the 2nd thread....roll over! roll over!

[ThatVikRinA22]

so we all rolled over and hellebelles told us to get our arses out of bed......

ive started a new one because there are only a few posts left on the old thread before it gets full.

nana ive described myself on the old thread just for you!

so.

nana hellesbelles mama ed silvery and basset and any one else who posted on the old thread or who relates to our experiences and wants to post on the new one....welcome to the new thread.

old one here

building is going well and forcing me up on a morning so i guess thats a good thing - plus the dog cant go out in the garden so im having to get out and walk her loads - probably also doing me good.

i think the sertraline must be having some effect as when things began to go wrong with the building (as they always do) i didnt lose it - i coped - i almost shrugged it off so to me, this is progress. normally i would have completely gone apeshit and turned a drama into a crisis...not so this time so i feel quite balanced.

my only problem is facing the prospect of going back to work - though i fully intend to explore the possibility of going part time and also starting later on earlies - i never sleep properly knowing im up at 5 but bizarrely just an hour more and i am able to sleep, so my plan is to ask to drop one night shift and to ask to go in 1 hour later on earlies and see how that goes. That would mean that although i would still be working shifts and on the same job, i would work 5 on and then get 5 off, and i would maybe sleep better before earlies.

its a plan.
if it doesnt work or doesnt make me feel any better then i know i need to find something else. im still looking and still applying because having a plan B makes me feel better.

i think i have another month off anyway. i feel unprepared for going back. i feel like an imposter in a job i shouldnt be doing. hopefully going back on my terms will help me decide once and for all what i feel about it.

I have new false lower teeth :) - :) because I'll be able to eat properly again soon, because they are hurting atm and I seem to have throat infection. Tbh I have been doing a great deal of sleeping over the last 2 days, but I have really needed it.

Ed at least you went on the holiday, can you not explaing a bit to your friend?

Thanks for saying hi! Just to introduce myself as Nananina suggested.

This is a huge precis btw, but have a long history of depression with occasional psychosis when really unwell (really REALLY unwell) last in hospital 6 years ago, have been without support/meds for some time. Have also had anorexia, but that was years ago.

I can go for years and be fine, then end up having ECT in hospital after a quick downwards spiral.

6 years ago, I left hospital with support from Mh team - MH team very supportive and went out of their way to help me - then 2 years later ex-dh met someone else and left.

I didn't go under miraculously -I managed Ok - then came off my anti-depressants about 2 and a half years ago - although I really had to gradually reduce them (venlafaxine). I left MH team. I gradually got back to work, and I am generally a happy camper.

Before Christmas I was noticing low scrubby patches, but hey - am a working single parent with two kids and the stress of Christmas - put it one one side.

After Christmas, I noticed the low patches were extending - the absolute feeling of dread in the morning when the alarm went off, feeling like I have a brick sitting on me, wanting to disappear, loss of appetite, the thoughts of worthlessness etc - this triggered alarm bells and echoes from previous depression. I though it might be work - but hey! I had two weeks of annual leave coming up.

Nope - the feeling of dread was worse - I am so so tired! Not sleeping well, appetite going, but wanting to sleep all the time, everything is such hard work, stuff I wouldn't even think about normally, a variation in how low I feel in the morning, to feeling slightly better in the evening - and don't get me started on the self destructive thoughts - am trying not to give em house-room. I know I am depressed, but not at rock-bottom yet - but I know it can escalate very quickly.

About a week ago, I finally copped on, gave in and phoned the SPA (single point of access) for mental health - I won't go into it, cos that is a whole different experience and thread - I've always had positive experiences of mental health services generally, but in the end , I gave up, and have an appointment tomorrow with my GP to discuss things, talk about my prev. mental health, and prescribe me meds - all in 10 mins. I know I need meds - have been here before several times.

I've spoken to my manager, and let her know what's happening, and she is v. supportive - she asked me if I wanted time off. Work is always stressful, but I still have concentration, am doing a good job, and it brings me out of myself and gives me structure - at the moment, although we decided we would see how it went - she's a really good manager, and will go out of her way to support me...

So tomorrow, I have to see my doctor for meds- am struggling with thoughts of failure, which I'm working on - but there comes a point where you struggle struggle struggle, and it's like trying to run up an escalator that's going down - the more effort you expend in trying to get to the top/sort yourself, the more exhausted you get, and less able to carry on. And than you end up unceremoniously being carted to the bottom of the escalator, knackered, and trying to stop being chewed up by it. And erm well thats me really...

Oh - and did I say? Am so so tired! when am on a day off, and the kids are at school - I just sleep? It feels like there's nowt to get up for - am not sleeping well at night, but could sleep for England in the day. I struggle to get owt done - Go figure!

blimey pix - you have an amazing insight and i can relate to so much of your post there - i have no history but what you describe is exactly how i felt.

i phone the single point of access team last week to be told they dont have my referral yet.

so i wait. and wait. and wait.
i know i need CBT.
so far the sertaline is making me feel better i think - until i think about work and then i panic slightly and my heart starts going faster and i get palpitations.....but i need to deal with going back even if its to confirm i dont want to go back.

hang on in there and good luck with yoru doctor - mine has been brilliant. let us know how you get on.
x

re the sleep - have you read the thread before this one?

thats why i called it "we were all in the bed" - we all have that in common! you are not alone.

You seem very clued up pix Thanks for introducing yourself. Level 2 here, hope the builders come soon, they're working on my kitchen so that's out of use at the moment.

Well. I got 5 hours sleep - I had taken DD to bus stop, seen builders in and sneaked back to bed with a cuppa, but now there is a digger going outside my front door so I may as well get up and sorted. I'm so tired though. I need to get an early night - I can function on very little sleep for a few days but not for long and I'm missing being able to have a duvet morning when I need it. so in a min I will be level 3. So tired though...

Snap vicar, I'm averaging 4-5 hours at the moment. Too noisy for me to get a nap, they're knocking a wall out today. I hope you're not too exhausted.

I'm struggling having the builder in my home, not good.

Is it the noise snowy - when I'm not well I can't stand noise - or just having other people in the house?

Just having other people in the house :(

I thought it might be that from your other thread. Can you retreat to bed, or do they keep asking stuff? Or play music in another room? Or grit your teeth and think how proud of you your health care professionals will be for getting through this?

It's a small 2 bed flat, and they do keep commenting on things, including each time they want to 'spend a penny' (very odd).

I need to tell them I wont be in tomorrow...GP appointment and psych appointment.

Oh pix how horrendous for you with your psychiatric history. At least you recognised the signs eventually as the dreaded D word, although you tried to ignore them for a while. I had my first severe episode of depression in 1995 following the death of my closest friend - in hospital for 3 months - made complete recovery. However suffered 2nd major episode in 2010 and not made full rcovery this time - intermittent depression with no triggers or warning signs - just descends -I call it my Headmonster!

Let us know how you get on with GP and yes feeling a failure I believe is a symptom of depression, as is feeling worthless, ashamed and all the other crap that it makes us feel. We don't have these feelings when we are physicall il.

Snowymouse you are very brave to let the workmen in - how long will they be staying. Has CT been today?
Thank god my HM is asleep today.

Ed how are you????

They're coming back tomorrow, but I'll need to leave them my key as I'll be out seeing GP and psychatrist ,hoping for a reasonable outcome.
I'm glad your HM is dormant

How's everyone doing?

PS no sign of CT today :)

I'm dreading tomorrow a bit, hope it goes ok. How's everyone else doing?

Hope things go well for you tomorrow snowymouse - thread has gone a bit quiet hasn't it. Oh we have a new member don't we pixwic who has been through some very bad times (like most of us I suppose.

Am still wondering about Ed who has gone very quiet..........don't know whether this is a good sign or not.

Love to everyone!

My new dentures are ripping my gums to bits, which is a downer. Ibroprofen and sleep have been the order of the day.

snowy you got through the day, well done. Hope it all goes well tomorrow.

Creeps in.

Says night night.

Home tomorrow. Really pleased about that as I feel run ragged and overexerted.

I feel pleased with myself that I have now gone...erm...can't even be bothered to count...lots of days with out a daytime nap; but kind of feel that it hasn't been the break I wanted, expected or needed.

I have, possibly learnt quite a lot about myself, the way I am perceived, my faults, and how this illness is perceived/mis perceived by others.

Waves to everyone. Group hug to everyone. Night all.

Thanks for all the good wishes :) Sorry to hear your dentures are causing problems silvery Well done for getting yourself through it, ed

I think I've mentioned to you before Ed that you set yourself high goals and then crash..........would be very interested in your thoughts about yourself, the way you are perceived, fault and how this illness is perceived/misperceived by others, if you are willing to share. I am particularly interested in the last bit about how others perceive/misperceive depression.

Glad you are coming home today - am sure you will feel safer and more able to carry on your usual routine (as much as those of us suffering can have a routine)

Just re-read my post - and noticed I said "glad you are coming home rather than glad you are going home - think it says something about the closeness that exists on this thread where people can post exactly how they feel, knowing others will understand.

Not the most positive psychiatrist meeting ever. On the plus side, I wasn't sectioned. On the negative side, any more attempts and I will have to go in to hospital...this doesn't help with being open and honest about what's going on for me, as I can't cope with the idea of day hospital, let alone inpatient.

She's increased my antipsychotics, I didn't want to try a new antidepressant until I'm sure this one isn't working.

How's everyone else doing today? ed, hope you're not over exhausted.