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Original poster

Planning - Recovery

37 replies

funnymum71 · 31/01/2013 10:29

I've been seriously depressed since December but have turned the corner and am finally recovering. Its been so helpful to have somewhere to write down how things are going, but where I am is so much further on from my old thread Planning WWYD that I don't feel its right to post on there any more. Read and comment if you want. Even if you don't I'll probably post anyway.

For those of you with a more cynical mind, funnymum71 is not my usual posting name. I chose it to try and stop most of my MN friends from working out who I was. It didn't work, but I'm keeping it anyway for now. Grin

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Original poster
funnymum71 · 31/01/2013 10:47

Bit of background: I had a hospital stay in 2012 and was diagnosed with Bipolar 2. Suddenly the last 20 years of my life made sense and I was prescribed drugs to stabilise my mood and fix the severe depression I had. In November 2012 I was feeling so good I decided I didn't need all of my meds any more. By Dec 2012 I was sliding down the slope very quickly and was severely depressed and suicidal by mid Dec.

I've spent the last month miserable as hell. I've treated my family and friends badly, have done some 'crazy' things and have had to be signed off work again. The emotional and financial impact of this on my family has been huge and will take a bit to fix.

I won't be mucking around with my meds again. Lesson learnt.

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ForTheLoveOfSocks · 31/01/2013 12:48

Hi Funny

Its good to see your still on here. I havent got much time but I will pop back on later this afternoon.

lizba · 31/01/2013 13:11

So pleased you're doing better - Im sure you'll be a great help to many others on here. Keep well

Fluffydressinggown · 31/01/2013 13:42

So pleased you are feeling better :)

Original poster
funnymum71 · 31/01/2013 15:14

Thanks all, it's very good to be getting back to being myself. I've spent the day doing all the things I was being told to do when ill, but couldn't face. Namely getting out of the house and doing stuff.

Went up to the hospital to hang out with the volunteers. It's like low impact going out IYSWIM. I walked there, it's about 3 miles and up a complete bitch of a hill. I'm now sat in Starbucks eyeing up the rather fit barista who works here.

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funnymum71 · 31/01/2013 15:15

Fluffy, I really hope you're on the mend soon as well. I've been thinking about you.

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funnymum71 · 31/01/2013 21:55

One of the more surprising side effects of getting better, it seems is the ability to feel bored. I've not been bored for the last month. Its hard to feel bored when your head is full of obsessive thought as there's no room for anything else.

This is the second evening in a row where I have bored as hell. I'm going to have to go and rediscover hobbies as I don't think that eating jaffa cakes and channel surfing is a good use of my time.

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ForTheLoveOfSocks · 01/02/2013 09:14

I love channel surfing loser Grin

It's good to see you're turning a corner.

What have you

ForTheLoveOfSocks · 01/02/2013 09:14

Stupid phone Angry

I meant to ask have you got any plans for today?

springbanana · 01/02/2013 09:23

To me feeling bored is not a good sign. I tend to go and do some dangerous things.

SushiPaws · 01/02/2013 09:41

Hi Funny

I lurked on your last thread, it's good to see you're doing well. Being bored is a good sign, my dsis is bi-polar. I love her so much and have forgiven all the stuff she has done over the years because I know it wasn't her true self. She keeps busy every night and has started 3 small businesses on top of her job to keep herself going. She doesn't make much money but it keeps her mind active. She says if she gets bored, it gives her time to think about all the stuff that's happened and until her mind is at peace about that, then she needs to be busy. She goes to psychotherapy and group therapy.

Will you be walking the 3 miles home?

SushiPaws · 01/02/2013 09:42

Oh that was yesterday Confused I hope you did get home and didn't spend the night in the coffee shop Wink

FeeFiFoMum · 01/02/2013 14:24

Hello

Just dropping in to your new thread to see if you are doing OK?

It is brilliant that you no longer feel suicidal, but I am sure you might feel pretty shaky in the next while given all you have been through so recently. I hope you don't feel overwhelmed, thinking back. I don't know if boredom's a good thing or not? Rest must be positive, though!

Not trying to start an argument with sushipaws but I think your very depressed/manic self is part of your true self, all parts of ourselves need accepting as they are, I know that's not easy...

Have a good day!

Original poster
funnymum71 · 01/02/2013 18:44

I'm doing remarkably ok considering where I was just a week ago. I'd even go as far as saying I enjoyed today and didn't even freak out too much when done utter fucker nicked my bike lights. Grrrrrr.

I spent the afternoon with DD and actually enjoyed being with her rather than resenting every moment as I couldn't connect with her. Play Doh is an utter PITA no matter how you're feeling and there's more on her jeans than went back into the pot.

I've also managed to get through the day with significantly less PRN than I have done before.

Only slight worry is after getting my hair cut this am (can't really afford it this month) I caught myself trying on pink dresses in Monsoon. This is not a good thing and I need to hand my credit card over to DH now while I'm still aware that it's not a good thing. Monsoon is fucking expensive and bright pink is not a good idea either.

Just the evening to get through now. Evenings are hardest for me at the mo

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SushiPaws · 01/02/2013 18:51

You are right FeeFiFo, her manic side is part of her, I was just trying to find a way to word it. I should have perhaps said her stable self Smile

Glad you had a good day Funny, what happened with your bike?

Original poster
funnymum71 · 01/02/2013 19:29

Oh some fucker nicked my lights while it was parked up. I've never bothered taking them of before as they're screwed on, but they got nicked while I was having my hair done.

Two weeks ago I would have seen it as a sign that life wasn't worth living. This week I got pissed off and bought some new ones. Big improvement eh?

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Original poster
funnymum71 · 02/02/2013 14:14

I really need to do something about my sleep. I'm on enough drugs to knock out a rhino but while it makes me feel a bit fuzzy, it doesn't help me sleep and the next morning I feel wiped out. I've also has some serious anxiety today which has been really unpleasant. I have worked through it to a point Nat has to take some PRN when I felt myself going downhill very fast.

DH went out to play football and I had both children alone for the first time in weeks. I took them both to the park, but it's right next to the railway line and it made we feel wobbly each time a train went past. I still have a few things to work through in my head when it comes to trains and tracks. That's going to take a bit of time I think.

On a more positive note, everyone I've seen over the last few days has commented on how much better I'm looking and sounding. It's good to know that what is on the inside is reflected on the outside as well. Slowly, slowly, I'm getting back to myself.

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funnymum71 · 02/02/2013 14:16

Nat has to take PRN? Stupid bloody kindle auto correct.

Should have read to the point where I had to take PRN, ffs.

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Fluffydressinggown · 02/02/2013 15:12

I am so so pleased things are improving for you :)

Original poster
funnymum71 · 02/02/2013 17:23

Hi fluffy :) hope things get better for you soon as well.

I'm struggling a bit with anxiety at the mo and for no good reason. We have friends coming over later so I hope it's eased off by then as it's not nice. DH has said I don't seem to be doing as well today, but I guess I just have to ride it out.

I'm counting down till the kids go to bed as well, but that's nowt to do with anxiety, they're just both being a bit mardyGrin

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funnymum71 · 03/02/2013 19:41

I'm on the world worst rollercoaster at the moment. I'm swinging between planning to redecorate the whole house and feeling absolutely fantastic, or anxious, miserable and depressed, not knowing what to do with myself. It's really unsettling not knowing how I'm going to feel from one hour to the next. Today has been awful in terms of mood swings and I could really do with some help in knowing how to manage them.

I've still made the effort to do things with the children and have entertained them most of the day, but with this awful sense of doom lurking in the background.

I've been having thoughts of self harm and all the rest, and while I'm in control and won't act on them, it's horrid having them back in my head.

I'm struggling today. I don't think it helps that my sleep is getting worse and worse, and while sleep had always been an issue for me, I could do with some help to manage that as well.

Tough day. Very very tough day.

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Fluffydressinggown · 03/02/2013 21:25

Thinking of you xx

FeeFiFoMum · 03/02/2013 21:49

Sorry to hear, Funnymum. Haven't had a great day here either, two vomiting children...

I haven't got bipolar but I do identify with the urge to have "new starts" e.g. bright new clothes/ new house décor etc and for me it is a defence against unbearable feelings of unworthiness/shame/ugliness in myself etc. (often around flashbacks for me to a self that was treated as unworthy, shameful, ugly...)

At least now when I have that "urge" to rush out and buy a whole new wardrobe, or drastically change something else, I know that I need to be EXTRA GENTLE to the part of me that is expressing hurt (which I'd rather run away from, who wouldn't) rather than burn myself out trying to create a new me.

For me, and do just ignore me if I am rambling on unsolicited, the breakthrough came when I had a dream of my childhood room, where I was sexually abused, and it had all been redecorated into shiny pink with chandeliers and silvery ornaments. Far from feeling relieved that it had changed, I felt a sense of INJUSTICE that this was not how it was, it was a "cover-up job" - I woke up and realized I had to honour my feelings of shabbiness, emotional poverty etc as they were real and from deep in myself - but I could learn to change bits I didn't like little by little without a whole makeover.

Or maybe, less change them, more just accept them.

Hope you can get some sleep as dreams can give us clues as to the way ahead...

FeeFiFoMum · 03/02/2013 21:52

PS - And what it is about the colour pink? Like you, when buying new things, I always went for pink. I currently have pink hair as a concession to this urge to have something pink when I am feeling down.

Original poster
funnymum71 · 05/02/2013 20:11

This has been a tough couple of days. DH's work has gone bust. We've been expecting possible redundancy for a while now, but not that the whole company would go under. So he's jobless and there's no redundancy from them so he has to go through the government for any redundancy pay.

All of this puts a much different slant on what I do now. I was going to go and see my GP and ask to be signed off for a while longer as I don't feel well enough to go back yet. My moods are still up and down and I don't react well to stress - I've been crying on and off since he got the news. Unfortunately, while we could just about survive on my half pay and his salary, my half pay doesn't even cover the fixed outgoings, so its back to work next week whether I'm well or not.

I am feeling pretty stressed out.

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