Planning - Recovery

[funnymum71]

I've been seriously depressed since December but have turned the corner and am finally recovering. Its been so helpful to have somewhere to write down how things are going, but where I am is so much further on from my old thread Planning WWYD that I don't feel its right to post on there any more. Read and comment if you want. Even if you don't I'll probably post anyway.

For those of you with a more cynical mind, funnymum71 is not my usual posting name. I chose it to try and stop most of my MN friends from working out who I was. It didn't work, but I'm keeping it anyway for now.

[dontrunwithscissors]

Funny mum, just sending my good thoughts.

[LolloRosso]

It's me, FeeFiFo, felt like another name change. Just checking in to see how you are feeling, if you want to post and it helps do keep on doing so.

Hope you are OK.

[FeeFiFoMum]

I'm sorry it's still so hard for you.

[funnymum71]

I'm not so good really. The money and job stress is really hard work. I'm going to see my GP tomorrow morning and I'm going to have to ask for more time off, but that means I'll have been of work for almost a year and I can't see them supporting me for much longer. I'm terrified of losing my job, but since DH was made redundant I've been an anxious wreck.

I'm borrowing next month's mortgage payment off my parents so I take extra of weeks, but need to get back to work after that so I can pay them back and be able to pay it in March.

I keep thinking how much better it would be for everyone if I just disappeared, but I know that's the illness speaking and not the right thing. It's hard going fighting off thoughts of sodding trains, but I need to keep going.

I'm finding it hard to see any positives at the moment. No money, stressed DH, anxiety overload. It's been better I can tell you that.

[FeeFiFoMum]

Hope you are feeling OK.

[Fluffydressinggown]

I am sorry things are so stressful funnymum, thinking of you x

[FeeFiFoMum]

If you don't feel ready to go back to work, you need a bit of leeway so that DP can find a new job, or you can find alternative work which you could do whilst not in good health, or both. Perhaps you could borrow some money from a friend for the mortgage payments for two or three months to help you to sort out your options.

It doesn't seem like a good idea to go back to work next week if you don't feel up to it as if you then relapse, not only will you suffer a lot, but your employer will also be questioning your judgement and unable to trust you so much in future (if you go back early and let them down).

I had to go back to work before I was really ready for financial reasons too. Employer wasn't too happy about this due to their duty of care but OH signed me off as fit to return, saying that I was managing my illness adequately to participate in phased return. It's a few years on now and I set up a small business working from home which allows me to work more when I am well and less when I am not, and I also receive quite a lot of help from Disability Living Allowance due to the way my illness (PTSD not bipolar) affects me.

[funnymum71]

As the company is being liquidated he'll get statutory redundancy money from the government. He's been looking for a new job for a while but there's not much around here. He'll do his best to find one, but I doubt it will be in the next week.

Normally this wouldn't matter. His salary was low but my income made it all manageable. With me not earning its a big problem. Mortgage companies don't care why they can't be paid.

[springpotatoe]

It sound very difficult situation, but can't your dh find a job? It sounds that you take the whole responsibility. He must be entitled to somekind of unemployment money? You know you can't return to work just yet, so just relax. You will be ready in sometime and the you can start to fix the situation. Just tell your dh get on his bike and look for a new job.

[funnymum71]

I'm having a really difficult time with anxiety again. All this stuff with DH's job is stressing me out. Went to my support group today and it really helped, but as soon as I'm back home and DH is here and he's v stressed and the children are here and I'm faced with the reality of our situation, the stress mounts up again.

I'm not well enough to go back to work. What am I going to do? I'm having horrible, horrible thoughts. I've not lost my self awareness which almost makes them worse, but I'm scared of losing my awareness again as I've only just got it back. I feel sick to my stomach. Argh. I don't want to lose it again, but I can't guarantee that I won't as I can't trust my own head.

[funnymum71]

I'm really not good at all today. I think the stress over the last few days has really got to me and I'm just trying to hold it together today. Lots of negative thoughts, thoughts of self harm and all of the rest. No intentions of doing anything, but last night I just wanted to get on a bus and not come back. I know its all to do with stress, but I'm not so good at dealing with stress at the moment.

FeeFi - My work have been really good in doing all of that kind of thing, including the chance to work from home on specific tasks and the rest. I am getting worried now though as out of the last 12 months I've only been in work for 2 months and that time was duing my phased return so I wasn't even full time then. Its getting to the stage where if I don't return, they can have me on competency and I could lose my job - either that or the stress of going through that procedure would push me back over the edge again.

I know that when well I can do it. I've just not been well for such a long time its hard to remember what its like to be there. When I think about it, I don't think I've been fully well since I was pg with DS, so thats 7 years of instability. During the short periods of reasonable stability in that time I've performed well, but it has to be longer term if I am going to keep my job.

I don't trust my judgement any more as its been impaired for so long. I can't handle stress and I am struggling just with daily life at the moment. I can't see how this is going to end well, I just can't.

I need a plan B.

[FeeFiFoMum]

Hello,

Sorry to hear that. Employers have duties to make (forget the terminology but something like:) reasonable accommodations to your mental health condition when supporting your return to work. For example, work from home/ do not undertake highly stressful meetings etc. Could you ask to meet with Occ Health later this week to see if they can help you to identify what would be useful - to help you if you go back next week.

[funnymum71]

This has been a tough couple of days. DH's work has gone bust. We've been expecting possible redundancy for a while now, but not that the whole company would go under. So he's jobless and there's no redundancy from them so he has to go through the government for any redundancy pay.

All of this puts a much different slant on what I do now. I was going to go and see my GP and ask to be signed off for a while longer as I don't feel well enough to go back yet. My moods are still up and down and I don't react well to stress - I've been crying on and off since he got the news. Unfortunately, while we could just about survive on my half pay and his salary, my half pay doesn't even cover the fixed outgoings, so its back to work next week whether I'm well or not.

I am feeling pretty stressed out.

[FeeFiFoMum]

PS - And what it is about the colour pink? Like you, when buying new things, I always went for pink. I currently have pink hair as a concession to this urge to have something pink when I am feeling down.

[FeeFiFoMum]

Sorry to hear, Funnymum. Haven't had a great day here either, two vomiting children...

I haven't got bipolar but I do identify with the urge to have "new starts" e.g. bright new clothes/ new house décor etc and for me it is a defence against unbearable feelings of unworthiness/shame/ugliness in myself etc. (often around flashbacks for me to a self that was treated as unworthy, shameful, ugly...)

At least now when I have that "urge" to rush out and buy a whole new wardrobe, or drastically change something else, I know that I need to be EXTRA GENTLE to the part of me that is expressing hurt (which I'd rather run away from, who wouldn't) rather than burn myself out trying to create a new me.

For me, and do just ignore me if I am rambling on unsolicited, the breakthrough came when I had a dream of my childhood room, where I was sexually abused, and it had all been redecorated into shiny pink with chandeliers and silvery ornaments. Far from feeling relieved that it had changed, I felt a sense of INJUSTICE that this was not how it was, it was a "cover-up job" - I woke up and realized I had to honour my feelings of shabbiness, emotional poverty etc as they were real and from deep in myself - but I could learn to change bits I didn't like little by little without a whole makeover.

Or maybe, less change them, more just accept them.

Hope you can get some sleep as dreams can give us clues as to the way ahead...

[Fluffydressinggown]

Thinking of you xx

[funnymum71]

I'm on the world worst rollercoaster at the moment. I'm swinging between planning to redecorate the whole house and feeling absolutely fantastic, or anxious, miserable and depressed, not knowing what to do with myself. It's really unsettling not knowing how I'm going to feel from one hour to the next. Today has been awful in terms of mood swings and I could really do with some help in knowing how to manage them.

I've still made the effort to do things with the children and have entertained them most of the day, but with this awful sense of doom lurking in the background.

I've been having thoughts of self harm and all the rest, and while I'm in control and won't act on them, it's horrid having them back in my head.

I'm struggling today. I don't think it helps that my sleep is getting worse and worse, and while sleep had always been an issue for me, I could do with some help to manage that as well.

Tough day. Very very tough day.

[funnymum71]

Hi fluffy :) hope things get better for you soon as well.

I'm struggling a bit with anxiety at the mo and for no good reason. We have friends coming over later so I hope it's eased off by then as it's not nice. DH has said I don't seem to be doing as well today, but I guess I just have to ride it out.

I'm counting down till the kids go to bed as well, but that's nowt to do with anxiety, they're just both being a bit mardy

[Fluffydressinggown]

I am so so pleased things are improving for you :)

[funnymum71]

Nat has to take PRN? Stupid bloody kindle auto correct.

Should have read to the point where I had to take PRN, ffs.

[funnymum71]

I really need to do something about my sleep. I'm on enough drugs to knock out a rhino but while it makes me feel a bit fuzzy, it doesn't help me sleep and the next morning I feel wiped out. I've also has some serious anxiety today which has been really unpleasant. I have worked through it to a point Nat has to take some PRN when I felt myself going downhill very fast.

DH went out to play football and I had both children alone for the first time in weeks. I took them both to the park, but it's right next to the railway line and it made we feel wobbly each time a train went past. I still have a few things to work through in my head when it comes to trains and tracks. That's going to take a bit of time I think.

On a more positive note, everyone I've seen over the last few days has commented on how much better I'm looking and sounding. It's good to know that what is on the inside is reflected on the outside as well. Slowly, slowly, I'm getting back to myself.

[funnymum71]

Oh some fucker nicked my lights while it was parked up. I've never bothered taking them of before as they're screwed on, but they got nicked while I was having my hair done.

Two weeks ago I would have seen it as a sign that life wasn't worth living. This week I got pissed off and bought some new ones. Big improvement eh?

[SushiPaws]

You are right FeeFiFo, her manic side is part of her, I was just trying to find a way to word it. I should have perhaps said her stable self

Glad you had a good day Funny, what happened with your bike?

[funnymum71]

I'm doing remarkably ok considering where I was just a week ago. I'd even go as far as saying I enjoyed today and didn't even freak out too much when done utter fucker nicked my bike lights. Grrrrrr.

I spent the afternoon with DD and actually enjoyed being with her rather than resenting every moment as I couldn't connect with her. Play Doh is an utter PITA no matter how you're feeling and there's more on her jeans than went back into the pot.

I've also managed to get through the day with significantly less PRN than I have done before.

Only slight worry is after getting my hair cut this am (can't really afford it this month) I caught myself trying on pink dresses in Monsoon. This is not a good thing and I need to hand my credit card over to DH now while I'm still aware that it's not a good thing. Monsoon is fucking expensive and bright pink is not a good idea either.

Just the evening to get through now. Evenings are hardest for me at the mo

[FeeFiFoMum]

Hello

Just dropping in to your new thread to see if you are doing OK?

It is brilliant that you no longer feel suicidal, but I am sure you might feel pretty shaky in the next while given all you have been through so recently. I hope you don't feel overwhelmed, thinking back. I don't know if boredom's a good thing or not? Rest must be positive, though!

Not trying to start an argument with sushipaws but I think your very depressed/manic self is part of your true self, all parts of ourselves need accepting as they are, I know that's not easy...

Have a good day!