Planning - Recovery

[funnymum71]

I've been seriously depressed since December but have turned the corner and am finally recovering. Its been so helpful to have somewhere to write down how things are going, but where I am is so much further on from my old thread Planning WWYD that I don't feel its right to post on there any more. Read and comment if you want. Even if you don't I'll probably post anyway.

For those of you with a more cynical mind, funnymum71 is not my usual posting name. I chose it to try and stop most of my MN friends from working out who I was. It didn't work, but I'm keeping it anyway for now.

[FeeFiFoMum]

Hello,

Sorry to hear that. Employers have duties to make (forget the terminology but something like:) reasonable accommodations to your mental health condition when supporting your return to work. For example, work from home/ do not undertake highly stressful meetings etc. Could you ask to meet with Occ Health later this week to see if they can help you to identify what would be useful - to help you if you go back next week.

[funnymum71]

I'm really not good at all today. I think the stress over the last few days has really got to me and I'm just trying to hold it together today. Lots of negative thoughts, thoughts of self harm and all of the rest. No intentions of doing anything, but last night I just wanted to get on a bus and not come back. I know its all to do with stress, but I'm not so good at dealing with stress at the moment.

FeeFi - My work have been really good in doing all of that kind of thing, including the chance to work from home on specific tasks and the rest. I am getting worried now though as out of the last 12 months I've only been in work for 2 months and that time was duing my phased return so I wasn't even full time then. Its getting to the stage where if I don't return, they can have me on competency and I could lose my job - either that or the stress of going through that procedure would push me back over the edge again.

I know that when well I can do it. I've just not been well for such a long time its hard to remember what its like to be there. When I think about it, I don't think I've been fully well since I was pg with DS, so thats 7 years of instability. During the short periods of reasonable stability in that time I've performed well, but it has to be longer term if I am going to keep my job.

I don't trust my judgement any more as its been impaired for so long. I can't handle stress and I am struggling just with daily life at the moment. I can't see how this is going to end well, I just can't.

I need a plan B.

[funnymum71]

I'm having a really difficult time with anxiety again. All this stuff with DH's job is stressing me out. Went to my support group today and it really helped, but as soon as I'm back home and DH is here and he's v stressed and the children are here and I'm faced with the reality of our situation, the stress mounts up again.

I'm not well enough to go back to work. What am I going to do? I'm having horrible, horrible thoughts. I've not lost my self awareness which almost makes them worse, but I'm scared of losing my awareness again as I've only just got it back. I feel sick to my stomach. Argh. I don't want to lose it again, but I can't guarantee that I won't as I can't trust my own head.

[springpotatoe]

It sound very difficult situation, but can't your dh find a job? It sounds that you take the whole responsibility. He must be entitled to somekind of unemployment money? You know you can't return to work just yet, so just relax. You will be ready in sometime and the you can start to fix the situation. Just tell your dh get on his bike and look for a new job.

[funnymum71]

As the company is being liquidated he'll get statutory redundancy money from the government. He's been looking for a new job for a while but there's not much around here. He'll do his best to find one, but I doubt it will be in the next week.

Normally this wouldn't matter. His salary was low but my income made it all manageable. With me not earning its a big problem. Mortgage companies don't care why they can't be paid.

[FeeFiFoMum]

If you don't feel ready to go back to work, you need a bit of leeway so that DP can find a new job, or you can find alternative work which you could do whilst not in good health, or both. Perhaps you could borrow some money from a friend for the mortgage payments for two or three months to help you to sort out your options.

It doesn't seem like a good idea to go back to work next week if you don't feel up to it as if you then relapse, not only will you suffer a lot, but your employer will also be questioning your judgement and unable to trust you so much in future (if you go back early and let them down).

I had to go back to work before I was really ready for financial reasons too. Employer wasn't too happy about this due to their duty of care but OH signed me off as fit to return, saying that I was managing my illness adequately to participate in phased return. It's a few years on now and I set up a small business working from home which allows me to work more when I am well and less when I am not, and I also receive quite a lot of help from Disability Living Allowance due to the way my illness (PTSD not bipolar) affects me.

[Fluffydressinggown]

I am sorry things are so stressful funnymum, thinking of you x

[FeeFiFoMum]

Hope you are feeling OK.

[funnymum71]

I'm not so good really. The money and job stress is really hard work. I'm going to see my GP tomorrow morning and I'm going to have to ask for more time off, but that means I'll have been of work for almost a year and I can't see them supporting me for much longer. I'm terrified of losing my job, but since DH was made redundant I've been an anxious wreck.

I'm borrowing next month's mortgage payment off my parents so I take extra of weeks, but need to get back to work after that so I can pay them back and be able to pay it in March.

I keep thinking how much better it would be for everyone if I just disappeared, but I know that's the illness speaking and not the right thing. It's hard going fighting off thoughts of sodding trains, but I need to keep going.

I'm finding it hard to see any positives at the moment. No money, stressed DH, anxiety overload. It's been better I can tell you that.

[FeeFiFoMum]

I'm sorry it's still so hard for you.

[LolloRosso]

It's me, FeeFiFo, felt like another name change. Just checking in to see how you are feeling, if you want to post and it helps do keep on doing so.

Hope you are OK.

[dontrunwithscissors]

Funny mum, just sending my good thoughts.