Ok, I'm going to be completely honest. None of what I'm about to say is designed to make you feel better, I'm just going to give you my honest opinion.
I don't think you're being pathetic and whiny. I wouldn't be here if you were, I hate pathetic and whiny. There's a difference between that, and someone actually suffering and sharing that. And even if you were being pathetic and whiny then so what? I am pathetic and whiny every month with PMT!
Yes, you probably are a bit of an emotional drain. I know I was when I wasn't well, especially with my dp at the time. So? Plenty of people are emotionally draining, even without mental health problems. My best friend can be totally emotionally draining and drives me nuts sometimes but I still love her to bits. It doesn't make sense that MH professionals would drop you for that reason, it's their JOB to handle emotionally draining people!
I've been on ADs for years and in no way do I feel fake. I feel like myself. I felt abnormal when I wasn't taking them. It's an illness and I have a responsibility to myself to take medication for it. I forget about it most of the time tbh. People do all sorts of things because they want to be happier. Some people drink every night, some people take recreational drugs, some weight lift until their muscles are huge, some people eat all the time, some clean obsessively. You're on meds anyway, what would be the difference, may as well take some that work. However, I know this is a delicate subject and we do need to be very careful with ADs as it can be difficult to monitor how you are going to react. I just think that, because you said you were happy with the meds you were on, I should point out that if you're feeling the way you do, to the point where suicide seems to be the only option, then I would doubt they are actually working for you?
I'm never going to have a decent job because no-one is going to hire someone who's been out of work for so long without a good reason. Not true at all! There are plenty of people who have been out of work for years for so many reasons! You only need to get one job, any job, to start working again to become employable again. I don't mean get a job now, I'm just trying to show you that at the moment, you have a warped view of the world, that just isn't accurate. It's better than how you see it.
Anyway, you need to take one step at a time, and getting a job is too many steps away. Don't worry so much about the future. Everything you do now can build towards a brighter future. Even if it's walking through the park the next time you go to the docs and sitting on the bench for a while. Or coming on MN to offload. Or writing a message on mn without checking it and pressing send (like many of us do)! Then cringe at what you've written and realise it's not the end of the world. Every little step you take, you will be rewarded, I don't know how but the universe just works like that.