Waiting for the crisis team - support needed.

[Fluffydressinggown]

I have posted on the sertraline thread but wanted to post elsewhere.

I have been feeling increasingly unwell over the past few weeks and my self harm has increased. In the past week I have started to see signs from God that I should kill myself. I know that these are irrational thoughts but I am finding it hard not to believe them.

I saw my psychologist today and I was very upset because I feel so confused. I know what the signs are telling me but I am so scared. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

After I saw him I sat in my car for an hour outside the CMHT office, I couldn't move or do anything I just felt so stuck. The songs on the radio were giving me signs and I know that I have to hurt myself properly but I am so scared.

I went back inside and spoke to him again. He rang the crisis team and said that he had told them that while I am normally very high risk at the most they felt I was at a significant risk of harm that could only be managed in hospital.

They are coming out at 8pm to assess me for an admission.

I am so scared. I have been IP twice in the past six months. I feel like such a failure. I know I am seeing connections that aren't there, and my psychologist said that I am delusional but I can't shake it.

I am scared of an admission, scared of being at home and killing myself tonight. Scared. :(

I am not a bad person but all of these signs are showing me that I am.

Going at the end of August so quite soon really :) Nice to have a short term goal.

Seeing my MIL and PIL tonight and a bit stressed about it, it is always so awkward and I feel like I have to be super cheery and positive and I don't always feel like that. Bleurgh.

Oh I know that feeling that you have to put on a front. Aim for slightly cheery and slightly positive [hug]

Greece is lovely

I know what you mean about having to put on a front - like having to wear a mask. I agree with what Silvery said about 'slightly' cheery and positive. And more hugs

Just rabbiting on.

I feel like things are bubbling over, hard to explain. Trying to keep is under wraps, it is more at night when I am in bed and things are calm and still that my brain starts ticking over and over and over. I am ok and I am safe but I have this feeling of hopelessness and that there really is nothing in the long term for me, that nothing will really go right again. All sorts of negative shit.

Sorry you're feeling rough again fluffy Do you think your meds need to be adjusted?

I was reading the other day that stilling the tongue, by pressing it against the roof of your mouth. stills your internal dialogue too. Perhaps you could try that and see if it stops your brain?

It is my birthday tomorrow which feels like a huge milestone, I didn't think that I would be here for it, I used to say things like 'I would have been 29 this year' and now here I am :)

I have been enjoying sitting out in the sunshine with the cat and I find that when I am outside things seem to calm down, I can just sit and be in the moment.

My DH said today that he thinks I am quite unwell, that the way I am talking is how I talked when I was unwell. I don't think that is true though. My CPN said she wants me on a higher dose of risperdone so I think next week I will go to 1.5mg and then on to 2mg. I don't feel so tired on it now which is positive.

I am aware that my thinking is a bit confused and a bit fast but I feel pretty safe and in control. I have been hearing things say my name which DH says is me hearing things but I am not sure really.

Have you made a wellness recovery action plan? Ask cpn to do
one with you along with the wellness toolbox. An informal admission for 3-4 weeks would be good. You are referencing, having delusional thoughts, psychoses, are you coming up into elevated mood phase? Sertraline is not a good antiX for psychosis - venlafaxine XL or fluoxetine, alongside lamotrigine and quetiapine. Rispiridone stops the thoughts but not the referencing or the psychosis xxx get a meds review.

Actually - Olanzipine stops the referencing and the thoughts, depixol stops the referencing x

fluffydressingdown: Happy birthday. I've been following for a while and thought this might be moment to offer support

And more support to your dp.

I am on fluoxetine. I won't take quetiapine or olanzapine, risperdone is the only one I have managed to be compliant with so I am going with it.

I def def don't need an admission! I don't have elevated moods, I am not bipolar, my diagnosis is OCD and BPD and the unusual thinking is part of it. I am doing pretty well really which is why I am frustrated my DH thought I was unwell.

I have sat in the sun and read my book every day this week, I had my hair cut today and I went shopping on Tuesday so I am keeping busy and doing stuff. I have made dinner most nights for weeks as well, all really normal and functional.

I can see why DH says I am not hearing the things I am but I def hear my name though. If you hear voices you hear sentences and commands I think, not just your name randomly. I have not had any signs from God for a while now which is a relief, nice to have a break :)

I guess I am trying to be mindful of my thinking and I recognise that it is not what it should be but it is better. I think DH is worried about me and being a bit dramatic. Today I was talking about how I like seeing planes in the sky because it makes me think of people going on holiday and all of the potential joy and happiness up there. DH said that made me a bit mental but I think it is normal (if a bit romanticised) thinking.

Happy birthday Fluffy, glad you're enjoying the sunshine.

Do you have any birthday plans?

fluffy wishing you a v happy birthday :) Your thoughts re planes seem perfectly normal to me, for what that's worth!

fluffy, people with bordeline personality disorder have periods of elevated mood... its not unusual thinking it is called "referencing" when a person sees signs or believes that the radio or tv are giving them messages. of the personality disorders it is the most common - many of the symptoms are attention seeking behaviours, losing touch with reality, manipulating people and a dislike of being told they cant do something. It is a difficult diagnosis, it causes a lot of controversy for health professionals when treating because the patients can be untruthful at times and do seek attention from others by saying statements they know will provoke a reaction. Have you been referred for DBT? it is an extrememly affective therapy and has a very high success rate for bordeline PD. There are many books about it on for self therapy which are great.
I am a mental health nurse and my speciality is personality disorders, I have been working with PD's for many years, am fully qualified. It is hard to see yourself the way others see you fluffy. I am sure they will have explained to you about mindfulness as I see you try to be mindful.
Ask for a WRAP.... its really affective.

fluffy our brains are set to listen for our name being spoken at any time. If you are on higher-than-usual alert, this may be why you are hearing it. A bit like, when I drive home v late at night, I set my vision to 'detect cat' - I get some false positives when I think I see a cat and then it turns out to be a bag in the road or something, but that is better than accidentally harming a cat I failed to recognise.

I know what the symptoms of BPD are. I don't think I have it but I know what they are. Attention seeking isn't one of the symptoms though, self harm and dramatic behaviour is but attention seeking isn't. Either way.

I am kind of saddened that as a MH nurse you are making assumptions about me - attention seeking, manipulative behaviour, lying - they are not things I do. I have suffered in the past because people have not believed me when I have asked for help because they see the label and assume I am lying about my feelings of risk. Thankfully people made the effort to get to know me and they know I don't lie about things, why would I? It is hard enough as it is. I do get told to be more open about how difficult I am finding things though! I am trying but it is hard, my instinct is to minimise and try and cope or ignore it and hope it will go away.

I have a risk and relapse plan, and a care plan, and a management plan and I am under CPA and I have been seen by specialist PD services. I am all set. My CPN has referred to ideas of reference but I prefer unusual thinking, I guess it helps me to understand it more. That I am having unusual thoughts for me but they can be tackled and managed.

DBT has been considered and as a team we have decided it is not right for me, I have been referred to psychology services again so waiting for that.

Have you read the whole thread BTW? I did end up in hospital on a Section 3 after my initial post. Generally since I was discharged in May things have been pretty stable.

What an epic post!

I am going shopping with my Mum today and having lunch out with her and DH and then DH is taking me somewhere as a surprise tonight :)

That sounds really defensive and of course now you will think, oh of course she is BPD because she is so defensive (I do over think). I guess I am just trying to clarify my position and background but I do appreciate your replies and see what you are saying. You are right it is hard to think that DH sees me differently that I see myself, I try to take his POV on board and I will feed back his thoughts to my CPN when I see her and have a chat about it.

fluffy, i remember reading how difficult and painful life was for you as you wrote from hospital, earlier in this thread. i am glad you are having some relief/ recovery, if only tentatively, but enough to go shopping with your mum etc. kind wishes c/p.

PM'd you fluffy

Hot much??

I am saddened too, fwiw

I specialised in personality disorders as sadly a lot of professionals cant deal with them. PD is very complex, there is no sensitive way to say the elements of diagnosis, it is text book stuff. This is the reason why it is so difficult for the OP, her family and secondary care service providers, BPD is multi faceted. I work where I do as I care; one of the hardest battles we have is getting PD sufferers to accept the symptoms and behaviours and to understand they are not bad people they have an illness just like diabetes or cardiac issues. It is not their fault, they deserve care and respect. Im not making assumptions - if I listed the symptoms of diabetes you would not think it was insensitive. An illness is an illness, the OP cannot help her diagnosis but alongside BPD is the controversy of its symptoms, behaviours and broken thinking.

Also the OP does not need you to feel sorry for her; she sounds as if she is coping better than she thinks and is getting back on track.Just having a blip. OP you are doing all the right things, I believe you can get back up again. It takes time x