Waiting for the crisis team - support needed.

[Fluffydressinggown]

I have posted on the sertraline thread but wanted to post elsewhere.

I have been feeling increasingly unwell over the past few weeks and my self harm has increased. In the past week I have started to see signs from God that I should kill myself. I know that these are irrational thoughts but I am finding it hard not to believe them.

I saw my psychologist today and I was very upset because I feel so confused. I know what the signs are telling me but I am so scared. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

After I saw him I sat in my car for an hour outside the CMHT office, I couldn't move or do anything I just felt so stuck. The songs on the radio were giving me signs and I know that I have to hurt myself properly but I am so scared.

I went back inside and spoke to him again. He rang the crisis team and said that he had told them that while I am normally very high risk at the most they felt I was at a significant risk of harm that could only be managed in hospital.

They are coming out at 8pm to assess me for an admission.

I am so scared. I have been IP twice in the past six months. I feel like such a failure. I know I am seeing connections that aren't there, and my psychologist said that I am delusional but I can't shake it.

I am scared of an admission, scared of being at home and killing myself tonight. Scared. :(

I am not a bad person but all of these signs are showing me that I am.

I saw my CPN today and had a more positive appointment. I did some shopping as well (for boring stuff) and so quite a normal day.

I am seeing the psychiatrist in two weeks, my CPN said I need to be on an anti-psychotic so the plan is to change me from quietiapine to something else I think.

Finding it hard to sleep and feel quite distracted and distant.

Hi fluffy. I hope the med changes help you, hang on in there.

I am pretty suicidal. The TV and radio are sending me signs.

Anyway.

I was going to SI today and I didn't which is good.

Picked DH up from work and we bought some stuff from Dunelm Mill to jazz up the bathroom (I sound like my mother!) a bit which is nice. I have cooked three nights this week and my house is pretty tidy so that is good.

I am still sleeping poorly and so I am tired. I wake up early and I have started reading in bed and then the cat curls up next to me and falls asleep, a nice peaceful way to start the day. She is just gorgeous, she follows me round all day and just purrs and purrs, very healing.

I am thinking lots (too much) at the moment, feel very detached from things. Very distant.

Well done Fluffy, something to be proud of. Sleep is so important, particularly with MH issues. Cat sounds helpful
Still thinking of you,

You are doing well despite the tiredness. Give DCat some stroking from me - purring is supposed to have a healing effect.

Well done Fluffy. I'm glad DCat is giving you lots of cuddles - cats are aces :)

Big hugs

Well done for not SIing when you wanted to, that is a fantastic achievement.

saw you giving good asdvice on other thread to people :)

when you feel crap remember you are good at calmly helping others.

been so nice to watch the change in you. feel all proud! x

Everyone says how well I am doing and I suppose I am.

I feel like there is no point in being honest about how I am feeling because everyone just tells me how well I am doing.

But then I am dressed and the house is clean and I am doing stuff so I am ok.

Hello lovely

Please be honest with people, otherwise they won't be able to help you.

Huge huge hugs xxx

Do be honest with them - it's really important. And if you think they haven't heard you then keep saying it over and over again. Tell them about the signals from tv because that might help them in choice of right medication change.

People are saying how well you are doing because in so many ways you are - you are achieving an incredible amount each week. But that doesn't mean that you don't still need or deserve help with those things you are still struggling with.
It must be so frustrating for you but just keep on keeping on - you are moving in the right direction :-)
Dcat sounds lovely - I'm hoping to get a new one in next couple of weeks :-)
Hope this week is ok for you.

fluffy it is quite an achievement to be dressed and have a clean house and be doing stuff despite coping with feelings, urges and signs. It's deffo a step along the road to recovery, and one that we are applauding :)

Hopefully, the next steps will be about getting the mental side of things to improve, finding the right meds can take a while, and as kizzie says, the best chance of doing that is to give correct info re your symptoms.

Had a strange visit from the crisis team today, she was telling me that maybe I was in a transitional stage in my life and maybe it was a spiritual awakening and I didn't really have any mental health problems. Not sure tbh. Then she was like you need to get back on your anti-psychotic to help your thinking. Seems a bit conflicting. Sometimes I feel like people are quick to invalidate my feelings or the things that go on for me because I talk about them quite calmly. Oh well.

I am starting to wonder if God is speaking through people to me. I told her that and she said she wasn't telling me to kill myself, but she was.

She said I need to challenge my thoughts, and I pointed out that as I am not dead I am challenging them! I am wondering if I should be challening them. Complicated.

On a positive note I saw my friend today and had a coffee. She is pregnant and sometimes I find it hard not to be jealous, I would like a baby, but the time is wrong. Still hard. Nice to look at lovely baby clothes though :)

fluffy did she say that in so many words, or were you reading between the lines? Although there is now an awareness among HCPs that spirituality can play a role in recovery, I do rather doubt that a crisis team member would think you had no mental health problems.

Your post implies you are off the anti-psychotics, is that right? Are you taking any meds?

No I am not taking them. My CPN/CRS have said I am a bit unstable with my thinking.

She said I have issues but not mental health ones. I am so tired of it being a battle for people to think I have them. I did challenge her on that idea. I pointed out that I have been sectioned, been an IP three times in the past year, see the CMHT, have a MH diagnosis, am on anti-depressants and anti-psychotics and have been told I am delusional. She sort of backed down a bit. I will talk to my CPN about it I think. I think she is right in that I am not bipolar or schizophrenic, my problems are emotional and not chemical, but surely MH is about your emotional and spiritual health.

I don't know if God telling me to kill myself is a spiritual crisis. There is no confusion about the fact that it is God, and that God is real for me. None at all. The confusion is about why it is happening and what do I do with it.

Well, I think many mental health issues are people manifesting their past in their current behaviour and thinking. This is certainly true for me. Until recently, I had a diagnosis of bipolar, but have persuaded my psych that I may have AS, and am being assessed for it. I have overcome my lack of social skills and low self esteem which from an early age led to my depression. The depression itself led to many difficulties in my life which further worsened the depression . I still have difficulty getting started on things, and finishing things, but it doesn't bring me down like it used to.

I have had four psychotic episodes, linked to stress and overindulgence , and have been very thankful for anti-psychotics (halaperadol for acute phase, 2 days?) then olanzapine or quetiapine while I recovered. It does sound that anti-psychotics might help in stabilising your thoughts atm?

Sounds tricky fluffy, professionals should be singing from the same hymn sheet(!)

It must be very difficult.

I am worried about you since you have been out hospital. I do hope they are looking out for you. Your old ways of thnking seem to be creeping back in. Do be honest about how you are feelings. We are always here for you on here too. xx

(I have posted quite a bit on here but name change often)

Yes my thinking is a bit funny isn't it? Hmm. I am sort of 50/50 on everything. Half of me knows God is sending me messages but half of me knows he isn't.

I have had my hair done today and had my toenails done yesterday so I look a bit nicer. Very awkward moment having toes done. It was a place I had not been to before and I was not expecting a pedicure, just my toenails painting (I got lovely glittery shellac!) so assumed only my feet would be on show. I got in the room and she sat me down, said it included a proper pedicure and put my feet into a basin of warm water and as she did she helpfully pushed my leggings up a bit to stop them getting wet. Only my ankle is badly scarred and swollen so I think she was a bit surprised, it was a bit strange but she was very nice. I just said I was embarrassed and apologised.

Saw crisis today for the last time (was only planned for three weeks after discharge), had a bit of a cry. Feel very detached and upset and muddley. I have been thinking about suicide a lot, but I don't think I will, not this week anyway. I am thinking a lot about an overdose but only as SI, but my liver is a bit fucked so it is all a bit dodgy. I will talk about this with my CPN on Monday.

Hello lovely

I'm glad you're going to talk with your CPN on Monday. It sounds like a confusing and sometimes difficult time for you at the moment.

Huge squishy hugs, I hope you've had a good day today and are resting well xxx

Super nervous about seeing the psychiatrist tomorrow. Hmm.

Do you think you'll be able to be honest with the psych about how you're feeling fluffy?

Sending you massive hugs xxx

I was honest yes, he seemed nice and listened to me.

I have been prescribed risperdone and I have said I will try to take it.

They said my thinking is not right and I am paranoid and agitated :( Hmm.

Well done for being honest xxx