Waiting for the crisis team - support needed.

[Fluffydressinggown]

I have posted on the sertraline thread but wanted to post elsewhere.

I have been feeling increasingly unwell over the past few weeks and my self harm has increased. In the past week I have started to see signs from God that I should kill myself. I know that these are irrational thoughts but I am finding it hard not to believe them.

I saw my psychologist today and I was very upset because I feel so confused. I know what the signs are telling me but I am so scared. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

After I saw him I sat in my car for an hour outside the CMHT office, I couldn't move or do anything I just felt so stuck. The songs on the radio were giving me signs and I know that I have to hurt myself properly but I am so scared.

I went back inside and spoke to him again. He rang the crisis team and said that he had told them that while I am normally very high risk at the most they felt I was at a significant risk of harm that could only be managed in hospital.

They are coming out at 8pm to assess me for an admission.

I am so scared. I have been IP twice in the past six months. I feel like such a failure. I know I am seeing connections that aren't there, and my psychologist said that I am delusional but I can't shake it.

I am scared of an admission, scared of being at home and killing myself tonight. Scared. :(

I am not a bad person but all of these signs are showing me that I am.

Two posts in a row, sorry but I forgot about this.

I am finding it really really hard to be compliant with my meds. Psychologically I hate hate hate being on quietapine, I know it is working, I know it helps me sleep and be less agitated, but ughhh. It was my first sign really and it is hard to let go of. I really really hate being on it and I have to be on it for at least a year from discharge :( And if I stop taking it and deteriorate they have planned for a MHA at home and a CTO has been mentioned so I know I have to. But I HATE it :(

Three posts! I just read that back and it sounds so dramatic. My risk and relapse plan basically says none-compliance with meds or appointments will lead to crisis visiting and assessing me asap to see if I need a MHA. Not miss one tablet and get sectioned, just that it can be an indictor that I am unwell. Which is it. But I am still not entirely convinced I need it. Like 50/50.

Big hugs fluffy It's such a difficult position to be in. I got off my s. 3 a few weeks after I left hospital, but I know they can just go back on it if they deem it necessary. I don't want to be taking clozapine all the time, makes me very sleepy, but at the end of the day there's not much real choice.

Do take care of yourself.

I was on quetiapine for a while. Looking at my notes, when I went in last July in a v short-lived hypomanic state, I was put on haliperidol and olanazapine to get me down and stabilised . Then after 4 days or so, changed to quetiapine (and back on my paroxatine, small maintenance dose). I must say the quetiapine was v v good at giving me a decent night's sleep, and getting me into a proper sleep routine. But the muzziness got pretty bad, and eventually I asked to come off and they agreed.

I am not saying my case is same as yours, just sharing, hopefully if your psych is aware then if some better mood stabiliser appears over the horizon, you might be able to change onto it eventually. Or might olanzapine be better - I had weight gain when was on that a few years ago tho.

I actually don't have any real side effects from the quietiapine. I was on olazapine and they changed me over because I really didn't want to be on that either! There is no winning! It is just the thought of being on that specific medication that bugs me, hard to explain.

It hard feeling like it is not my choice to make, I am informal and being discharged but you can't change what has happened and it will have an impact on my future card.

Snowy - I am so pleased you are off your section 3 :)

Thanks fluffy. Sounds like you have a lot of insight you do sound better than you were,

I see you mis-spelled it as quietiapine - in hosp I could not remember the name so called quetiapine 'that quiet stuff.' If it was assoc with a sign, perhaps your brain has noticed the same stuff as me, unconsciously. Or perhaps, as many think my brain's way of thinking is unique...

I think I am worried I will overdose on it because it just feels so, so, symbolic. Hard to explain!

Slept terribly last night. I have been on sleeping tablets which have been stopped and I am not managing to get to sleep until 4am. I am very twitchy at night and I am having very strange dreams.

I have had a nice Saturday, I had a coffee with my friend, then we went to the supermarket and stocked up on all of the things DH has run low on while I am in hospital (which was, apparently, everything, not sure what he has been eating!) and bought some bits for lunch for me next week.

Having a very lazy night watching Eurovision.

What time do you take the q? I took mine at night, it made me think about when to go to bed, cos 2 hours after taking it, I'd be dropping off.

Sorry about your night, however, sounds like you had a v nice day. Me, I have just watched Dr Who (am ancient geek gimmer)

Some people use quetiapine for calmness (relative) during the day, I took it split dose when I took it.

Enjoy the Eurovision, I couldn't keep up with Dr Who tonight.

when I remember and if I feel like it I take it at around 10-11pm so a sensible time. I just can't get off to sleep, once I am asleep I am fine.

what time do you go to bed? and how long does it take you to get to sleep? With this knowledge, you can estimate how long it takes to work, and what would be best time to take it.

As an aside, when I was prescribed olanzapine in 2003 I had issues with being muzzy next day. I'd been continuing to take it last thing at night, as I had in hosp, but eventually my out-pt psychiatrist said I should be taking it at tea-time, as the muzziness was it working. I was supposed to be asleep while it was working but because of taking it late, this effect was happening too late, when I was awake next day.

Hope that's clearish, the point is that timing of taking meds can make a difference.

Intresting idea about med timing, I will talk to my CPN about it.

I am back in hospital now, feels very weird starting to say goodbye to some of the staff, it has been such a huge part of my life that it is sad to go even though I am ready.

I am feeling ok really. Worried about stuff. I think a lot about suicide still and I am not sure how I will manage in any real long term sense. I still have strange thoughts and it is hard sometimes to manage them, but I do. I look back on how I was and it feels a world away which is lovely because it was such a low and difficult time.

Looking forward to driving, having peace and quiet, bonding with the cat, making my own lunch. Lots of things really. I am trying to focus on that!

You sound like you're doing really well fluffy. Understand what you mean about driving, it's such a lovely feeling to get behind the wheel again.

Hope you have lots of quality cat-bonding time over the next few days!

My dose kicked in about 2 hours after taking it, so if I were going to go to bed at 11, say, I'd take one at 9pm. Am naturally a night owl, going to bed at unpredictable times, so twas weird knowing that, because I'd taken a pill at a certain time, 2 hours later I would have to have gone to bed, or I'd have fallen asleep where I was.

Well I am home and discharged :)

Crisis visiting tomorrow.

Oh this is hard. Hard hard hard. I know first night is the hardest but, hmm.

Hi fluffy and good morning. That's the first night out of the way.

Boy could it do with being warmer. Would improve my mood anyway :)

Had a bad night, couldn't sleep, I think I fell asleep at about 5 and woke up at 7. Was very upset last night, hard to explain. I need to go out but don't feel like it, not sure what I feel like really. Crisis coming later.

Well, you'd better do it then even though you don't feel like it. (Advice I really need to take myself - have a to-do list the length of your arm). So hospital and park then?

Hi Fluffy
Try not to make last night too important in your mind.
So it was just a crap nights sleep rather than 'it was my first night home, it was really terrible, im going to really struggle from now on...'

Im really terrible for 'catastrophizing' so its something i have to really remind myself of.

Hope your meeting with crisis team goes ok today.

Its a really big step going home - you're doing really well (she said trying not to sound completely patronizing !!!!!

Well I have been out and bought milk and cigarettes

The cat is being very friendly, she keeps looking sadly at her food bowl and at the door. She has been fed and she is not allowed out so it is tough luck!

I have also dusted the living room and tided a little bit. Just waiting for crisis now (very apt given the title of this thread!)

Oh yes, Feline Emotional Blackmail - Midnight is a past master (mistress?) of that. And food must be fresh from tin - apparently it's just not the same if it's been in the bowl for more than 15 min