should i go back to gp?

[DudeInaTutu]

back in the summer i went to the gp and blubbed all over her, i was very very down, there was an awful lot going on in my life and i was really struggling to cope, DS (who has SEN) had failed his course and uni looked in the balance, i was massively struggling with my workload and qualification, i was ill, DD was just diagnosed with dyslexia, i was having counselling for childhood abuse...too much really, and the gp prescribed sertraline. She wanted to sign me off work but i said no. i knew if she did, i would never ever go back. it took a huge amount of courage to go to the gp as it was my old place of work....i felt a failure. i had left my job as doctors receptionist for a shiny new career in the police, a career not a job, and at my age that felt like a life line, and truth was i was struggling with it all.

however.
i took a couple of doses of the sertaline and it made me feel really really ill. like drunk ill, sick, whoozy, spaced out and i knew i could not function like that.

i stopped taking it. i stopped talking. i shut down, i went into autopilot and carried on. i managed to get my qualification and passed my probation. yay. i should feel proud and happy. but i didnt. ive no real idea how i managed it. i got through my entire 2 year probation with not a single issue, and i still dont know how.

so we are 6 months later and i am flagging, and yet i have no idea if i really need ADs or if its just me....

i feel constantly tired. i cant get up on a morning - if im not at work i see DD off to school and go back to bed, i can easily sleep until 11am or later, and then, if ive no reason to get up, i can lay in bed, or just stay in pjs all day. i dont wash my face or brush my hair, i dont go out. i dont see anyone, and this is the thing, - i dont want to. im happy like that. i dont suppose shift work helps much with that though.

im probably drinking too much. at least 2 glasses of wine a day. (if im not on nights)

i dont go to bed. i stay up until the small hours, but actually, because i work shifts, thats not so bad - it means i can work myself around to nights without too much hassle....my problem really comes when im on day shifts and i need to get up at 5am. on those nights i take zopiclone to knock me out. all above board and prescribed, i was finding i was not sleeping at all on those nights and was making stupid mistakes at work, when driving etc. and on blue lights thats not a good idea, so another gp gave me zopiclone to take only on my day shifts (thats fine - i just take one every 10 days,)

i am currently having some health issues, and have been signed off work, im supposed to be off until a week on monday but i am going to have to go back earlier, the longer i wait to go back, the worse things will be and i have work piling up that i need to deal with.

im awaiting an endoscopy for some problems with my stomach. im on lots of meds for reflux at present (max dose of everything now, on 4 different meds) and am hoping to get the operation to sort it....

i know i am stressed. stressed beyond stressed. my workload is unmanageable and i am on my own with it - no consistant line manager to help me with it and i am told now that i am on my own - i should be able to manage it. its a learning curve and ive got to find a way to manage my workload....

ive got to make this job work for me. and im trying really hard to find outside interests, ive started horse riding which makes me forget the stress, and it doesnt matter what i look like - i can roll out of bed and go. DH says i can get my own horse if im sure i can afford it. that gives me something to go to work for...im working toward that.

i have few friends really in RL but those i do have have all actually said they think im depressed.
i know im not happy.
but is that depression? or am i just not happy? a bit down? is that going to be fixed with medication or should i just work my way through it? ive never had medication before and i actually hated how the sertaline made me feel.

im not sure what to do.

The more frequently it's done, the quicker it is. Washing up a couple of times a day now (I know!!) and it takes five minutes instead of over an hour then just a quick swipe round with a cloth.

Why didn't I think I deserved a clean home? Don't get me wrong -it's not immaculate like my mum's is (and my aunt's and my great-aunt's and my cousin's but better than my brother's ) - but it's so much better than it was and everything takes less time. It's like I have time to lie on the dinner table and update on MN now because everything's done.

Not long. When I posted saying I had just eaten I was sat at the table. I probably sat there for a good 15mins avoiding moving too the sofa.

I have to get up tomorrow. I have to be in my car by 10 for swimming lessons. I will then go to Tesco on my way home.

I'm in 2 minds as to whether it helps me get up. On the one hand means I don't go to bed to avoid the mess....on the other means I don't have to get up to do housework so might as well be in bed

Oooh and now I'm knitting :o

You know all about my day. How was everyone else's?

Had a good one, one day I'll get this paperwork sorted, made good progress and started on decentish clean of house as visitor arriving Weds for a couple of days :) But Sky box is refusing to take notice of remote, and it's not the battery cos I changed it t'other day.

Never mind though, tis annoying but that's all.

max poss time now = 52 minutes.

Lol! what touch are trying to say that I worked hard for a short amount of time and it made me feel good.

im not in a great place tonight, feeling anxious. i dreamt about going back to work. i have dozed on and off all day. feel flat and tired and fed up, im going to text riding instructor in the morning but i have a feeling she wont want me there tomorrow either if the weather is the same. im so pissed off with everything right now- yesterday morning started so well, i was up early, dressed, got stuff done and then it went so spectacularly down hill its hard to comprehend - it feels like life is just a constant uphill struggle and i cant cope with it. I stayed in bed today because it was easy. avoid the real stuff that needs sorting. avoid talking to anyone. avoid everything and hide. I had been looking forward to going to the stables and even that got pulled from under me this week. It feels like im never meant to feel better, because just as i had a good day, the rug was pulled from under me.
im tired of it all now.

You've had quite a shock vicar.

I imagine it is dangerous for the horses to be ridden in this weather, but perhaps you could groom or muck out?

:(

If if you are not needed at the stables could you still go down and see the horses?

How is ds? Whats the plan going forward? Will he go back to uni Monday or does he need more time?

Stay strong. Just keep your head above water and things will start to look up again.

You have suffered another major stressful event. Of course it's going to set you back. But you WILL move forward again. When you are ready. When your head and body are ready. In the meantime be kind to yourself. Go with the flow for the time being. No-one will judge you from take time out from the path forward

thats all i was supposed to be doing but because the water pipes have all frozen the toilet isnt working, she asked for no one to go in today.

i imagine it will be the same tomorrow. im going to text anyway - i should have been riding but im not bothered about that - just going gives me a reason to get up.

im fed up of everything. and im fed up of trying to sort it all out on my own. im tired of it all now. nothing gets sorted and i just go around in circles with DS all the time. Im angry with him and i cant express it because his own mental health is obviously quite fragile right now.

the plan - somehow i have to get DS back to uni on monday and he is going to see the disability team again when he gets back.

Tomorrow i need to write out what he needs to say to the bank on Weds when he phones them, i wont be with him Weds.

i need to go and put some money into his student account so only one account is in unauthorised overdraft.

i need to take the car for its MOT before taking him back.

We have an appointment with the bank in 2 weeks and we are going to get guardianship of his account. But then i have to manage his account too.

i have my endoscopy in a week.

im just not up to all this anymore. im done in.

Make a list of the thingsm you NEED to do tomorrow.

Get them out of the way as early as possible (hopefully after the stables).

Once you have done those you can go to bed. You will have done everything you NEED to do. The rest can wait.

One day a time. One foot in front of the other.

ed that's good advice for all of us!

I got myself quite despondent yesterday with all three things I was doing cancelled but I got all but one thing from my to do list done. It really has made a difference prioritising tasks and just focussing on must tasks but I still have the other things written down as a prompt so I don't forget them.

vicar I hate to sound harsh but you need to put your feelings to one side today. It is a very tough thing to do, particularly when you feel so affected by ds's crisis and the stables being closed but it sounds like you have a lot to do to help ds and that won't get done if you stay in bed. Taking some control will be as beneficial to how you feel as it will be to your son. And dh can work on this with you helping you feel more supported.

Don't think about work - it's at least 4 weeks away and you have other options to check out. If thoughts of work come up just say " I will deal with you later " and get on with what you need to be doing. The more you say, the more it sounds like work is a major factor in your current situation so it does need to be addressed but it isn't your current priority.

ps vicar I would want hide in bed too so was just saying what I would want someone to say to me.

vicar just a suggestion, but in hiding your own depression from DS aren't you self-stigmatising and reinforcing the idea that mental issues are something to be hidden - thus making it less likely that DS will ask for help if he needs it? You might find that he feels less alone, if he realises that you too are dealing with similar but different issues, and you could tacking everything together as a family?

*try tackling

Afternoon all.

How is everyone?

Reasonable day here. Up and dressed by 9.30. I've been to swimming lesson with dd3, done a big Tesco shop. Put it all away STRAIGHT AWAY :).

Now I am absolutely shattered. Half a days activity really takes it out of me at the mo. Dd3 is at a party. The hems of my jeans are soaked so whilst they are drying on the radiator my legs are staying warm under the duvet . Can't sleep tho cos got to collect dd3 in an hour.

Hope everyone is having a reasonable day. Hope vicar has managed to get to the stables for a few hours break.

Thinking of you all.

that all sounds good ed - natural to be tired when you've been busy

Finding it hard to stay awake....alarm set just in case...

hi all

as i thought riding instructor didnt want anyone there today either - she sent me a explanation by text which makes sense, but still disappointed not to have gone.

i stayed in bed again.

There is nothing i can do about DS situation until tomorrow anyway - and i made all the phone calls i could on Friday.

i just need to write out for him what he has to day on Weds when he phones the bank again as i wont be with him and they wont deal with me alone until i have guardianship of his account.

in the morning i need to go and put some money into one of his accounts to get that one back within its limits, the other account is beyond my help - and im going to have to cancel the MOT - hope they can fit me in on Tuesday....

but there has been nothing i can do today other than write out what he needs to say on Weds - they have frozen his account and pushed it through to the collections dept, but it takes so many days to get there.

i know he wont want to stay here until Weds as he has work he needs to be doing and we have all made him take the weekend off.

DS does know that i am depressed - i told him weeks ago. I just dont want him to feel responsible with all this new crap heading my way.

Are they still taking bank charges on either of the accounts? My other thought is you could have a go at getting them to write off some debt on account of his problems - I would have tried this in the long-ago days of being a CAB adviser. Might be worth a shot?

Any horses in walking distance who would appreciate some apples or carrots?

And how is ds reacting when you provide emotional support?

im back in bed.
argument with DH.
im sat here sobbing and feeling hopeless. i just want to stay in bed and be left alone.

what do you want to happen now? if you stay in bed for the rest of the day, will you achieve that? what would you be doing now if you'd been to the stables this morning?

im not even thinking about that helles
i just want to stay here until DH goes to bed at 7pm then ill get up.

argument was because i tried to talk to DS about this money problem - we have been here time and time and time before.

its always me that sorts it out. always without fail, me that makes the calls, smooths things over, get him advice.
and its me again.
and DS doesnt think there is any problem at all - he just said "its only money" - he has no concept of managing finances and today started to say he didnt want me to have guardianship of his account - i put my foot down. I said its no longer negotiable.

DS cant grasp any of this.
DH said to leave him alone as the point of him coming home was to relax - but that was before anyone knew about this dept he has - im so sick of this - we do the same dance every few months - i sort it, he does it again, i sort it, he does it again.
DH cant understand at all why im so fed up of it all.
but he is happy to leave it all to me to sort out - so i said that, and he basically said i can take him back alone tomorrow then.

so i have 106 miles to travel in the ice and snow, in a car that needs an MOT alone, after i have sorted everything else out in the morning. DS has no money at all - his account is frozen. I will have to take him back, do his shopping, and give him money which i dont have.

so im just going to stay here, out of the way, until tomorrow when i will have to pull myself together and start again. I just dont feel strong enough for any of this now. im reserving energy, yes im in bed, but right now i couldnt move if i tried.