should i go back to gp?

[DudeInaTutu]

back in the summer i went to the gp and blubbed all over her, i was very very down, there was an awful lot going on in my life and i was really struggling to cope, DS (who has SEN) had failed his course and uni looked in the balance, i was massively struggling with my workload and qualification, i was ill, DD was just diagnosed with dyslexia, i was having counselling for childhood abuse...too much really, and the gp prescribed sertraline. She wanted to sign me off work but i said no. i knew if she did, i would never ever go back. it took a huge amount of courage to go to the gp as it was my old place of work....i felt a failure. i had left my job as doctors receptionist for a shiny new career in the police, a career not a job, and at my age that felt like a life line, and truth was i was struggling with it all.

however.
i took a couple of doses of the sertaline and it made me feel really really ill. like drunk ill, sick, whoozy, spaced out and i knew i could not function like that.

i stopped taking it. i stopped talking. i shut down, i went into autopilot and carried on. i managed to get my qualification and passed my probation. yay. i should feel proud and happy. but i didnt. ive no real idea how i managed it. i got through my entire 2 year probation with not a single issue, and i still dont know how.

so we are 6 months later and i am flagging, and yet i have no idea if i really need ADs or if its just me....

i feel constantly tired. i cant get up on a morning - if im not at work i see DD off to school and go back to bed, i can easily sleep until 11am or later, and then, if ive no reason to get up, i can lay in bed, or just stay in pjs all day. i dont wash my face or brush my hair, i dont go out. i dont see anyone, and this is the thing, - i dont want to. im happy like that. i dont suppose shift work helps much with that though.

im probably drinking too much. at least 2 glasses of wine a day. (if im not on nights)

i dont go to bed. i stay up until the small hours, but actually, because i work shifts, thats not so bad - it means i can work myself around to nights without too much hassle....my problem really comes when im on day shifts and i need to get up at 5am. on those nights i take zopiclone to knock me out. all above board and prescribed, i was finding i was not sleeping at all on those nights and was making stupid mistakes at work, when driving etc. and on blue lights thats not a good idea, so another gp gave me zopiclone to take only on my day shifts (thats fine - i just take one every 10 days,)

i am currently having some health issues, and have been signed off work, im supposed to be off until a week on monday but i am going to have to go back earlier, the longer i wait to go back, the worse things will be and i have work piling up that i need to deal with.

im awaiting an endoscopy for some problems with my stomach. im on lots of meds for reflux at present (max dose of everything now, on 4 different meds) and am hoping to get the operation to sort it....

i know i am stressed. stressed beyond stressed. my workload is unmanageable and i am on my own with it - no consistant line manager to help me with it and i am told now that i am on my own - i should be able to manage it. its a learning curve and ive got to find a way to manage my workload....

ive got to make this job work for me. and im trying really hard to find outside interests, ive started horse riding which makes me forget the stress, and it doesnt matter what i look like - i can roll out of bed and go. DH says i can get my own horse if im sure i can afford it. that gives me something to go to work for...im working toward that.

i have few friends really in RL but those i do have have all actually said they think im depressed.
i know im not happy.
but is that depression? or am i just not happy? a bit down? is that going to be fixed with medication or should i just work my way through it? ive never had medication before and i actually hated how the sertaline made me feel.

im not sure what to do.

Huge hugs.

Sorry I don't have anything more useful to say.

Hi Vicar got to make tea now so back later . I do understand the retreating to the bedroom where no one can harrass you .
Good advice given already so just sending you a distraction for now while you lick your wounds lass . It will get sorted .it will . Hold on .

horses are so comforting ,clever and love their humans dont they ?

never a fan of dressage until I sat spellbound here . Get thee to the yard as soon as you can x

I ask this because I tend to generalise when I'm depressed: does dh not help at all when ds struggles?

given the weather, it would safer (or at least less scary) to have dh with you tomorrow: will he definitely not go with you now?

I don't know what to suggest re ds attitude to money. silvery might know if there is some sort of service specialising in helping young adults with additional needs.

in Leeds, there is an advocacy service that my uncle uses (he has down's syndrome). I don't know if there is anything like that near you? sometimes dc's need to hear things off a stranger to believe it.

This probably sounds mad but, given this has happened several times before, have you considered not paying it off for him so that he learns how much is required to get that sort of money together? When, as a student, I ran up an overdraft, I had to pay it off myself. My parents sat me down and worked out a budget and got me to get a patt-time job. they matched whatever I paid.

I agree with silvery about speaking to the bank about the interest/charges. I seem to think they sort of closes my account so I couldn't take money out and turned ir to an authorised overdraft on the condition that o stuck to the payment schedule.

thanks bassett just watched taht twice.

helles
where DS is concerned DH has never been any help. Anything that involves actually talking to people is my domain.

Im going to get in touch with MIND. (for DS)

i cant pay this off - he now owes £2500. i dont have that sort of money.
The bank have pushed it to the collecttion dpt so that on Weds he can talk to them about a repayment plan. i rang the bank on Friday night and got his charges stopped., but they can only talk to me when he is with me and gives permission - this is why i need guardianship of his account.

right now, all i want to do is wait until the early hours, when the kids are in bed, and go and lie down in the garden. That must be a fairly easy way to go in this weather. i dont think i want to be here anymore.

I don't know if you've ever tried suicide but it messes everyone else up. it's the ultimate rejection of those who love and support you. given the current circumstances, ds would think it his fault which could tip him over the edge.

when I tried to kill myself, it was because I was worn out by my pain but also because I thought my family would be better off without me. the depression was making me very selfish, withdrawing me from my son - from everyone really. but, there are several children of suicides at my school and they are scarred, horribly scarred in some cases.

the number for the Samaritans: 08457 90 90 90
phone them. please.

i dont know what to do
one minute i feel calm and ive decided whats going to happen and the next i cant stop crying.

i dont want to phone samaritans.
ive got a splitting head ache and the only way i can stop dealing with all this shit is to stop dealing with it.
if im not here someone else will have to do it. and now the idea is in my head it wont go away. i cant even tell anyone or theyll think im nuts. i might text my friend.

do text your friend.

what you're considering would benefit no-one.

getting a friends help to make it through this urge would benefit everyone.

she just replied - going to phone her now.

good stuff. hope you feel more positive after you've spoken to her.
night.

Sending hugs.

Crap evening here too...not to the scale that you are having a crap evening but I am flat and edgy for unknown reason. Really taking it out on DTDs.

I expect will be here until late if you need to talk tho.

my friend is a life saver - she has just got off phone. We are going to get together Tuesday.
No answers, but at least she empathised and understood how i was feeling. Thats more than i have got from my DH or family who expect me just to carry on regardless, I told her i had reached the end of my tether and told her what i was thinking, she said that we have all had those fleeting thoughts but that they are temporary and that nothing is not able to be sorted. I feel better for a chat and a vent about everything. i think ive got it out of my system. i feel stupid, but sometimes the thought of just not waking up to this bollocks is attractive. Ive never felt like this before and no one i live with is acknowledging that im struggling to cope - they keep piling the misery on me despite knowing im ill right now anyway. its like they just dont care.
i feel so broken. everything feels too hard. tomorrow i have things to do and i dont want to deal with any of it. i want to stay in bed where its warm and easy and no one sees me.

vicar what a lovely friend, a friend in need is a friend indeed as they say.

Have to admit that after yesterday's day getting things done, I have done v little today except MN, telly and eating Not down as such, just the usually difficulty getting started.

Tomorrow you will drive your ds back to uni. What else do you need to do? Write it down now. Make your plan now. Spend 15 mins doing that...working out what order you will do things in. Find any telephone numbers or documents you need to sort mot. Have that plan written down. Then you can focus on resting as much as possible tonight ready. FFor the drive.

Remember it was a GOOD thing that he was home this weekend resting, but now you need to take him back.

It wasn't anyone else's fault. He is ill. You are ill. You are allowed to be ill. Ime even the people that know you are ill don't really understand the impact and will keep adding to your load until you either say enough is enough or break. It sounds as tho you tried to say enough to dh today. Hopefully he just needs time to process that information and will come back as supportive as ever.

Anyway. Make that plan. Write it down. Endure tomorrow. One foot in front of the other. Look forward to Tuesday. Another new day. Less shit to deal with hopefully and some time out with what sounds like a supportive friend.

I doubt I will be up much longer. I haveas DTD1 in my bed (long story) so I can't mn or read in bed and my battery is nearly dead so can't mn for much longer from my sofa.

Sending you hugs and strength vibes for tomorrow.

what i need to do tomorrow

get up
take dd to bus stop
phone and rebook MOT
wake ds up
take ds to bank and sort one account (i can sort one, but not the other)
take ds for a hair cut.
write out what DS needs to say to bank collection dept on Weds
take ds back to uni

worry worry and worry more probably about what is happening with DS.
go to bed and hibernate.

oh i forgot DD has an ECG at 4.30. again down to me to take her - DH is incapable apparently.

then hibernate.

Right. You have a plan. You know what you are doing. You can put it out of your mind for the rest of this evening. Let your mind rest so your body can rest.

Night.

That wasn't meant to sound that abrupt....I get panicky then my battery is less than 10%...I try to say heat I want to say in minimal words.

thanks ed
im off to bed soon. massive head ache still.

Can I ask why DH does not seem to be pulling his weight? Don't answer if you don't want to, of course.

silvery he never has where the kids are concerned. He is great around the house and rubbish with dealing with anything. always been down to me. any phone calls, and bills, money, parents evenings, meeting for DS SEN, from primary to uni, all down to me, gp appointments, down to me. phone calls - down to me. child care - down to me. problems - down to me.

im never going to change him. ive been with him 23 years.

Hmm. Carrying that load I'm not surprised you are depressed. My Ex was like that I'm afraid. Is he lovely apart from that (and does he have AS traits perhaps?) - I have to be careful not to project from my own marriage here.

oops I see you are going to bed - ignore my mitherings. [hugs]

he has no AS traits at all - i do. AS comes from my side. He is laid back personified. nothing worries him at all. must be nice considering he leaves everything to me....he just says he cant deal with people like i can. So he doesnt, it became my job and thats that. He now just wont do it.

They waited for me to come back from shops on Friday night so i could phone the bank....

dealing with DS is a full time job in itself. i thought i was entitled to a life but i cant deal with all of this, plus a demanding job, plus DD, plus day to day problems, plus DD being ill. No one seems to get that i cant do 2 full time jobs day in day out. and no one seems to get that im ill now. nothing will change.

Neither me nor Ex liked phoning - but Ex was better at leaving it and leaving it without it appearing to bother him - but I would eventually steel myself to do it. Strangely, when I worked at the CAB I had no problem phoning on behalf of clients.

And actually now I'm on my own I don't mind either.

Anyway after my non-day I must go to bed and gird loins tomorrow. Take care.