back in the summer i went to the gp and blubbed all over her, i was very very down, there was an awful lot going on in my life and i was really struggling to cope, DS (who has SEN) had failed his course and uni looked in the balance, i was massively struggling with my workload and qualification, i was ill, DD was just diagnosed with dyslexia, i was having counselling for childhood abuse...too much really, and the gp prescribed sertraline. She wanted to sign me off work but i said no. i knew if she did, i would never ever go back. it took a huge amount of courage to go to the gp as it was my old place of work....i felt a failure. i had left my job as doctors receptionist for a shiny new career in the police, a career not a job, and at my age that felt like a life line, and truth was i was struggling with it all.
however.
i took a couple of doses of the sertaline and it made me feel really really ill. like drunk ill, sick, whoozy, spaced out and i knew i could not function like that.
i stopped taking it. i stopped talking. i shut down, i went into autopilot and carried on. i managed to get my qualification and passed my probation. yay. i should feel proud and happy. but i didnt. ive no real idea how i managed it. i got through my entire 2 year probation with not a single issue, and i still dont know how.
so we are 6 months later and i am flagging, and yet i have no idea if i really need ADs or if its just me....
i feel constantly tired. i cant get up on a morning - if im not at work i see DD off to school and go back to bed, i can easily sleep until 11am or later, and then, if ive no reason to get up, i can lay in bed, or just stay in pjs all day. i dont wash my face or brush my hair, i dont go out. i dont see anyone, and this is the thing, - i dont want to. im happy like that. i dont suppose shift work helps much with that though.
im probably drinking too much. at least 2 glasses of wine a day. (if im not on nights)
i dont go to bed. i stay up until the small hours, but actually, because i work shifts, thats not so bad - it means i can work myself around to nights without too much hassle....my problem really comes when im on day shifts and i need to get up at 5am. on those nights i take zopiclone to knock me out. all above board and prescribed, i was finding i was not sleeping at all on those nights and was making stupid mistakes at work, when driving etc. and on blue lights thats not a good idea, so another gp gave me zopiclone to take only on my day shifts (thats fine - i just take one every 10 days,)
i am currently having some health issues, and have been signed off work, im supposed to be off until a week on monday but i am going to have to go back earlier, the longer i wait to go back, the worse things will be and i have work piling up that i need to deal with.
im awaiting an endoscopy for some problems with my stomach. im on lots of meds for reflux at present (max dose of everything now, on 4 different meds) and am hoping to get the operation to sort it....
i know i am stressed. stressed beyond stressed. my workload is unmanageable and i am on my own with it - no consistant line manager to help me with it and i am told now that i am on my own - i should be able to manage it. its a learning curve and ive got to find a way to manage my workload....
ive got to make this job work for me. and im trying really hard to find outside interests, ive started horse riding which makes me forget the stress, and it doesnt matter what i look like - i can roll out of bed and go. DH says i can get my own horse if im sure i can afford it. that gives me something to go to work for...im working toward that.
i have few friends really in RL but those i do have have all actually said they think im depressed.
i know im not happy.
but is that depression? or am i just not happy? a bit down? is that going to be fixed with medication or should i just work my way through it? ive never had medication before and i actually hated how the sertaline made me feel.
im not sure what to do.
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Mental health
should i go back to gp?
DudeInaTutu · 01/12/2012 00:37
ed at least you are planning things which is really positive.
i could not get up this morning - didnt got to bed until 1.30am, i woke up at 6.30 - garage was coming at 7am, but DH dealt with it so i stayed in bed. Oddly i could have got up at 6.30, but after i napped again i couldnt get up. 
anyway when i did finally drag myself off the bed i got a shower (had to as covered in fake tan that needed washing off) and then dressed.
Ive got to take DS for an eye test later and then take DD to look for a flipping prom dress....and i cant be bothered. I think hair will go in a bun or under a hat...also need to phone bank for him as he will get charges today.
I am a scruffy old hippy aged 60 with long silvery dishwater grey hair. (Blimey, I sound appealing 
) Am an academic by inclination and training, but cannot hack having a job - because I can only work if I feel like it 
or have an urgent deadline, and also because all jobs tend to take over my head. I know this because I've had quite a few jobs of different types but have always ended up depressed
I am going to have to look smartish for this dinner tonight - it is the Making a Difference awards for our local MH Trust, which I helped judge.
So good to see you back Nina and read that you had lovely time with the family 
. Thank goodness the head monster stayed dormant for you but sad to hear that you were distressed today . Why oh why !! Hope it goes away and leaves you to enjoy the memories of a week spent with your grandchildren .
Have to confess twas me who said you were "scary". In jest and warm regard for you ....sadly my fingers engage before my brain . Please dont think it was anything other than a real liking for your posting style .
Ed feeling so shaky is awful. I do wonder if there is a physical reason behind this [not parkinsons ] and the exhaustion you are enduring . People told me about something called adrenal fatigue that is common in those who have had a lot of stress . A battery of blood tests will hopefully show anything off kilter .
I often ponder on the chicken or the egg situation . The physical symptoms that no doc seems to be able to name /the constant worry/the trying daily to keep work and family going feeling like crap ....no wonder this can make us depressed and anxious . Worth discounting and glad your doc is working with you to get you back to feeling good .
I know from experience this post is going to go Pfft soon so waves to all reading .
Back later no doubt .
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Hang on! I was on this morning - you obviously just missed me 
Sorry ed but your picture was wrong:
5'4
size 18 (pear shaped)
dark brown hair in layered bob
grey at temples (since I was 24)
34
strange accent from living in Leeds, Northumberland then Scotland
ds aged 12
like: radio 4, trying to be crafty, cuppa
dislike: feeling alone, scratchy friction noises, being grumpy (shame I am so often)
when I'm slim (during serious depressions) I mostly wear skirts and dresses. once I hit size 16 I switch to trousers and similarly anonymous clothes!
hope that helps!
i see mama as having quite short, curly, dark hair. about my height. maybe 40?
hello all.
ed well done on the bed front - being in it early, and sounds like youve done quite a bit today as well.
nana - i m so pleased you had a good time in Ireland and that HM stayed in snooze mode....
and love and hugs to silvery, basset and mama too - my brain is also very puddled so apologies now if i have forgotten to namecheck anyone!
Well. My day - Garage looks fab and im looking forward to getting the rest of the garden done.
I walked dog to park.
i took DS to opticians (where i used to work and had a lovely catch up and cuddle with everyone)
i am also suffering terribly with tremors and its obviously very noticeable as an ex colleague at the opticians commented on it.
i couldnt hold a cup of coffee without shaking.
they kept trying to feed me - which to be fair i realised while there that i had not eaten again. im rubbish at remembering anything right now.
Anyway it was really nice to see everyone and i got DS fixed up with specs.
Then i took DD prom dress hunting - we found one, she looked absolutely stunning but she threw a strop when we got home because i had paid a deposit and she changed her mind about the colour 
however - and this is the interesting bit....i kept perfectly calm. Yes i was cross but DH said i handled it really well and he thinks the pills are definitely working. This can only be a good thing.
Then i had forgotten i said i would see a pal for a cuppa tonight, she texted so i nipped over for a couple of hours and ive really only just got in.
nana - you want to know a bit about me? well. here goes.
im 40. (nearly 41) but am lucky in that i still look a fair bit younger due to my hamster cheeks....
i am 5ft 4 tall and am a size 12/14.
im actually very girly - my hair is quite long (just above boob length) and highlighted with lots of shades of blonde. Its poker straight. Im growing my fringe out and have a sidey fringe thing happening at the min which i quite like....I have green eyes and pale skin. I normally wear make up when i can be arsed....but i keep it natural.
Im the epitome of calm and i am impossible to wind up so says my sgt....heh heh...ask DH and he may differ in opinion! I am very liberal and i have a very live and let live attitude - im also not very judgey and quite soft i suppose, im quite a huggy type and sometimes that works for me in the job. Im very softly spoken and i suppose im quite a gentle soul. Im mentally (normally) very tough, ive endured a lot of hardship through the years with a rubbish upbringing during which i was in and out of care, and have no contact with any of my relatives except one Dsis, i lost my other Dsis in a car crash in 2004 and we were very close. This is the first time ive ever been mentally unwell. GP says i have depression and anxiety and im on 100mg sertraline and have been taking that since Dec.
I have 2 children - DS who as most of you know now is 21 and has autism. DD who is 15. Both lovely but DS is hard work. DS is very academic and a whizz with computers and is doing a computer science degree. DD not so naturally academic but strives very hard and gets good results for the effort.
DS is very much like me. DD very much like her dad. DH is uber uber laid back so balances me and my mania out a bit. Im a born worrier.
Work wise before i got in the police i worked as a medical receptionist for a year and before that did 10 years in eyes and optics....before that did admin and clerical work. i can touch type which i learnt at school. I dont look like your typical cop.
Recently i found solace in my absolute love of all things horsey, and im learning to ride (badly) and spend every weekend at the stables helping out with lessons and all things horsey, which i love. im like a pig in muck. (literally!) At weekends now i wear scruffy clothes and wellies, stick hair in a pony tail, and cripple myself mucking out stables! I love the hard work and fresh air and horsey kisses. All i want out of life now is my own horse and i will be a happy bunny. DH is lovely and lets me do pretty much anything!
So thats me. I might feel brave enough to link a pic tomorrow....
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