should i go back to gp?

[DudeInaTutu]

back in the summer i went to the gp and blubbed all over her, i was very very down, there was an awful lot going on in my life and i was really struggling to cope, DS (who has SEN) had failed his course and uni looked in the balance, i was massively struggling with my workload and qualification, i was ill, DD was just diagnosed with dyslexia, i was having counselling for childhood abuse...too much really, and the gp prescribed sertraline. She wanted to sign me off work but i said no. i knew if she did, i would never ever go back. it took a huge amount of courage to go to the gp as it was my old place of work....i felt a failure. i had left my job as doctors receptionist for a shiny new career in the police, a career not a job, and at my age that felt like a life line, and truth was i was struggling with it all.

however.
i took a couple of doses of the sertaline and it made me feel really really ill. like drunk ill, sick, whoozy, spaced out and i knew i could not function like that.

i stopped taking it. i stopped talking. i shut down, i went into autopilot and carried on. i managed to get my qualification and passed my probation. yay. i should feel proud and happy. but i didnt. ive no real idea how i managed it. i got through my entire 2 year probation with not a single issue, and i still dont know how.

so we are 6 months later and i am flagging, and yet i have no idea if i really need ADs or if its just me....

i feel constantly tired. i cant get up on a morning - if im not at work i see DD off to school and go back to bed, i can easily sleep until 11am or later, and then, if ive no reason to get up, i can lay in bed, or just stay in pjs all day. i dont wash my face or brush my hair, i dont go out. i dont see anyone, and this is the thing, - i dont want to. im happy like that. i dont suppose shift work helps much with that though.

im probably drinking too much. at least 2 glasses of wine a day. (if im not on nights)

i dont go to bed. i stay up until the small hours, but actually, because i work shifts, thats not so bad - it means i can work myself around to nights without too much hassle....my problem really comes when im on day shifts and i need to get up at 5am. on those nights i take zopiclone to knock me out. all above board and prescribed, i was finding i was not sleeping at all on those nights and was making stupid mistakes at work, when driving etc. and on blue lights thats not a good idea, so another gp gave me zopiclone to take only on my day shifts (thats fine - i just take one every 10 days,)

i am currently having some health issues, and have been signed off work, im supposed to be off until a week on monday but i am going to have to go back earlier, the longer i wait to go back, the worse things will be and i have work piling up that i need to deal with.

im awaiting an endoscopy for some problems with my stomach. im on lots of meds for reflux at present (max dose of everything now, on 4 different meds) and am hoping to get the operation to sort it....

i know i am stressed. stressed beyond stressed. my workload is unmanageable and i am on my own with it - no consistant line manager to help me with it and i am told now that i am on my own - i should be able to manage it. its a learning curve and ive got to find a way to manage my workload....

ive got to make this job work for me. and im trying really hard to find outside interests, ive started horse riding which makes me forget the stress, and it doesnt matter what i look like - i can roll out of bed and go. DH says i can get my own horse if im sure i can afford it. that gives me something to go to work for...im working toward that.

i have few friends really in RL but those i do have have all actually said they think im depressed.
i know im not happy.
but is that depression? or am i just not happy? a bit down? is that going to be fixed with medication or should i just work my way through it? ive never had medication before and i actually hated how the sertaline made me feel.

im not sure what to do.

Hello everyone - I'm in the Midlands and the snow is quite thick and the friggin headmonster has been on the rampage like mad - forced myself out of bed (in spite of what I said about needing to withdraw). Spent much of today thinking about suicide and wishing I knew a foolproof way (just in case) I actually felt quite calm about it, but then I pictured my lovely family and friend in the crem and that helped a lot. Once up had long cry on DP which has worn me out, and have been lying on sofa under blanket till about 3, and have finally managed to get on laptop. Oh god he's only slept for 5 days and I was beginning to believe he was going to have a long sleep. I should stop being optimistic!

How is everyone else. Oh yes Vicar I'm going to be bossy, but you do need to cut down your alcohol intake (and I know you know that) and get to bed earlier!!

Yours in empathy......................NNx

Just got few bits of shopping in, few flakes of snow, forecast is for it to arrive this evening in NE. But it is so cold! WIBU to hide under duvet for warmth for a bit?

ds school closed at 1.30 - my school didn't even say we could go til the lids had gone so we were there til 4

still a bit grumpy and negative. expecting worst, etc. better than I have been though.

well done tor the efforts to get up and get on everyone (i want to say ladies because we all seem to be).

just popping in for a self indulgent

the day started really really well and went so far down hill i dont think i can even begin to explain.

its a bloody good job im on happy pills because today, i think would have driven me over the edge big time.

it started with a phone call from DS university and went down hill from there.
its so bad i cant tell you. im embarrassed and upset, and angry and humiliated and im left with another huge financial catastrophe, and this time i cant sort it.

ive just spent 45 mins on the phone to his bank.

i am so bloody stupid.
i need to go now, a good cry is on the agenda.

and i had to go and collect him in a blizzard - 106 miles, because uni rang and said he needed to go home, he had a breakdown there today.

.

We're here if and when you want to vent or hide from the world.

Oh no vicar just what you didn't need - and after his saving that bloke's life by alerting people to the fall.

Vicar We are with you . Hand hold or whatever you need right now .

what a nightmare for you vicar. there'll be a way through - somehow. feel free to vent away.

i cant vent.
but thank you for being there. im trying to stay on an even keel, im trying not to make things worse by showing him how i feel - uni are really worried about his mental health....they said he needs a weekend of complete relaxation. im torn between hugging him and slapping him.

the only remotely good thing to come of this is that uni are alerted to the fact he needs help. He is going to be seeing a counsellor for his anxiety problems and the disability team are all over him now after months of nothingness. He isnt coping. i thought he was. he thought he was. The only person ive been able to talk to about this is my friend whose son also has AS.....she was lovely to me. no one else would understand. i cant even begin to explain it to you guys. i feel so crap tonight.

so sorry Vicar - I'm glad you have a friend to turn to who can understand. Can understand why you don't want to put something on this open forum. Is there anyone who you could PM.

ok im going to try and explain. it might be cathartic. DH is lovely but cant see why im upset.

Please dont flame me when i explain this - its very very hard to explain.
When DS was little, and as is common of some people with Aspergers, he used to have very vivid dreams and couldnt distinguish fantasy from reality.

When he is very stressed his dreams scare him. Its not happend for years and years.
the bloke falling was a dream that he thought had actually happened - in the dream he sat back in his computer chair - when he woke up in his computer chair he thought it had all happened - he rang me because he needed to talk it through thinking it had actually happened.

I rang uni to tell them what had happened and to ask why security had had a go.

the disability team rang back - they know that DS has had this happen in the past (albeit only once or twice at times of extreme stress) and talked to him.
he phoned me in absolute floods of tears - he was confused, stressed, embarrassed, he had just found out it hadnt happened. it scared him.

The disability team are now on the case and working with him on his stress levels and anxiety. great.
so they rang and said please come and get him and dont let him do any work at the weekend - they are going to get him an extension on his project which wwas really stressing him out.

Then he came home and told his dad that he is also £ 1500 into an unauthorised overdraft. they are charging him £10 a day. He had no idea what to do. His student account is also in unauthorised due to bank charges - he hasnt spent a penny since August - but charges are crippling him. He had paid his credit card off because they were threatening him with court.

i cant cope with these ups and downs.
yesterday i was proud as punch thinking he had saved a life and sorted his money.
today i find its all gone to shit. its all fantasy. and i believed him. he believed it. he has no concept of reality right now and im massively worried about him.
he is devastated. truly devastated. he is not a liar - he is confused and worried and stressed and i am worried now for his mental health and wellbeing - but at least the disability team have woken up to how much he is not coping.
i had no idea.
i feel like ive failed him. i took my eye of the ball. He has gone into free fall mental anguish, stress and anxiety to the point where he can no longer tell whats real and whats not.

and it was genuine. he is so so upset. I feel like the worlds biggest idiot.
We are going for guardian ship of his bank account now. An appt has been made with the bank.

i always believe him.
DH doesnt. He is being very matter of fact about it - DS dreamt something once before and i went into school shouting the odds - i thought i had learnt from that. He genuinely thought something had happened and it turned out to be a dream. It must be very confusing for him but its just shit for me. DH is telling me to remember why we brought him home this weekend....this shouldnt be about me. He is obviously very very stressed.

and all i have done tonight is cry.

I can't even begin to appreciate how you and dh - and ds - must be feeling now. It sounds horrendous.
Will ds see a gp about his anxiety?
Focussing on ds's peace of mind - and yours - for a few days sounds like a good plan. Lots of coddling to help him feel safe again. The poor lad must be terrified.
Don't let this drag you back down - this isn't your fault. It's pretty much no-one's fault. In a way, maybe dh is right because if all you do is concentrate on how ds is feeling at any given moment rather than what has happened or will happen. Maybe you'll be able to get through this.

It seemed real to him, so of course you believed what he told you. You were going by whether he seemed sincere. So please don't feel like an idiot.

Of course it's shit about the money situation - but at least you know now, and at last his problems are being properly addressed by the professionals.

I have never heard of this symptom, although have read a lot about AS. In what is perhaps a very much milder form, I sometimes think I have done something when I have only thought about and imagined doing something.

im just so

ive just had a pm from a lovely and very knowledgable lady on these type of issues, to her
i think he does need way more support than he is getting. he is clearly not coping.
im going to speak to disability team again next week, and ask about SS involvement. Also been signposted to MIND for help with the financial issues he is having....going to google them tomorrow.
he is clearly very stressed

Disability team have arranged a counsellor to work with him for his anxiety, but i think he should see a gp given this latest episode. They want to see him again on Monday. He must feel like he is losing his mind. This has only ever happened a handful of times and only in times of extreme stress. I feel a fool - i started a thread on how proud i was of him.... i cant expect anyone not in the know to understand any of this. thatll teach me.
i have had far too much again. im going to get up early and brave the stables in the snow - i need some time to just switch off.

You were proud of him based on the information you had at the time - that's entirely reasonable - and appropriate.

The main thing is helping him calm down so he can start (with support) sorting everything out. If going to the stables helps you do that, go for it.
He defo needs to see some sort of financial adviser. they should be able to reduce contact from creditors and put some sort of payment schedule in place. Maybe one of these IVA's (hope that's the right letters for the payment arrangement thing).

I'm glad you're getting support. Try to get some sleep so that you enjoy the stables and return to your ds feeling refreshed and able to Gove him some r&r.

silvery - its mentioned in his diagnostic report and it says common of many people with AS there can be an inability to distiguish fact from fantasy.

though i am obviously worried about his mental health right now.

he was diagnosed by (the famous) Elizabeth Newson.

she writes generally about AS as follows
Difficulty in distinguishing his own actions from those of others, which may extend to a confusion of reality with observed fiction.
and
Occasionally, a very vivid account of events is held consistently but is plainly false; these perceptions do not seem to trouble the individual or to be associated with any functional change. There is the sense that the individual is living in a ?video world?, only detectable and comprehensible if the interviewer has also seen the video.

He truly believed what he had dreamed was reality. It is mentioned by Newson in his own personal diagnositic report....i cant lay hands on it right now but i recall the bit vividly in the 33 pages....it shed light on the incident in which i made a complete fool of myself when he was 7.....he convinced me something had happened to him in school wihich turned out to be a dream. At that time he was also very stressed with school.

hey ho. i should get to bed. ive had it today.

Vicar this is not your fault, it is not your ds' s fault, this is not anyone's fault. It sounds as though it is the fault of another poxy mental health problem.

The important thing is not what has happened but how you all come out of this. How you work with. Your Dh, your ds and the relevant professionals and uni staff to help your ds through it. First of all you now know there is a problem. You are coming to grips with the nature of the problem which will help you tackle the problem.

It looks to me that there are two main arms of this...a longer standing problem whereby ds isn't ready to handle the day to day finances. It isn't financially easy being a student. You have a high expenditure, no income and no experience budgeting and managing money. You have given him the independence he needed as a young adult. Any caring parents would have done the same. And I'm sure there are many students without SEN which have found themselves in similar and worse situations. What matters is what ds learns from this and what you help him learn. You have already started to deal with this issue by contacting the bank and taking the necessary steps to give him appropriate guidance. He and you can come back from this if you all (and I include Dhabi as part of your team) stay strong.

The fantasy v reality is a harder issue to deal with and I admit I am talking way out of my depth so forgive me if I talk out of turn.

As I see it no-one could foresee this. You said yourself it has been many years since his last affected by this so it couldn't have been predicted. From everything you have said your ds believed it was reality so of course you are going to believe it was reality. As I have no experience I am not sure what the path forward is although I know there is one. Again it is down to you, your Dh, your ds mad whatever professionals necessary to come out fighting.

Today you don't sound as though you have enough. Strength to deal will this. But in the coming hours you will have. But please don't do it at the expense of your own mental health. Let everyone that can help you.

Stay strong. Think of yourself as well as your ds. Allow yourself some duvet time if that is what you need. You will all come through this I'm sure.

Sending you a massive virtual hug and massive virtual bottle of wine.

What shines from your posts vicar is the love and care you have for your family . So sorry to hear that your much loved son is struggling . The umbilical cord is always there isnt it ? Just invisible . They hurt and we feel that hurt with them . No wonder you are in bits tonight . So sorry.
Yup get him to the Gp ,sort the bank and get the support from uni offered next week . But not now .
A weekend at home ,peace and quiet ,good food and rest will help ease your sons distress .....his family around him . The burden shared [although I know you are carrying so much already ].
And if you can get to the stables for your own peace do it . nuzzle that warm horse neck and get its comfort for you . they are amazing creatures .
Am very concerned about horses on common wasteland in this weather who are not being looked after ......but that is another thread .

Thinking of you both .

Xposts with several there.

Chin up. Look after yourself and your family. Work on moving forward not dwelling on the past.

all

basset i said the same to DH about common land horses today as i passed a huge common in Lincoln with loads of horses - not all of them were rugged. i shivered looking at the unrugged ones....im desperate for my own - could have horsenapped one.

and all, truly thank you all for such compassion and understanding. its the ebb and flow of dealing with his disability but i feel mentally drained with my own issues - ive never failed him at a time of need, but its so bloody hard and its so constant. sure as night follows day i know another crisis waits in the wings. no wonder i have my own anxiety issues. DH is fab but he has always let me sort anything to do with DS. im tired.
today started really well.

dh will have his opportunity to focus on ds while you're at the stables.
just keep believing you can all come through this.
sleep well and wake with more peace.

is It possible that the sleep Nazi is the only one awake on this thread?

Nope. I'm just switching off phone tho ready forma chapter of my book....

Night all. Hope tomorrow brings a better day for all.

Morning all.

Hope you Got more sleep than me. I had another awful night. I'm so cross (dunno who or what with).SSleeping at hight has never really been a problem. I've typically woken once but gone right back off. i didnt read more than a page before i fell asleep but then i was awake at 2 and voukdnt get back off for ages...then again at 5...tgen my weekday alarm went off at 7 cos i forgot to turn it off....and now DD3 is having a karoke contest with herself. The last couple of nights have been a nightmare. My eyes hurt trying to keep them open. Its the weekend so I have to get up and do stuff :(.

Hope you had s restful night all. Hope you have a good day at the stables vicar, and try to put your ds problems out of your mind for a couple of hours. Hope everyone else has a restful day too.