should i go back to gp?

[DudeInaTutu]

back in the summer i went to the gp and blubbed all over her, i was very very down, there was an awful lot going on in my life and i was really struggling to cope, DS (who has SEN) had failed his course and uni looked in the balance, i was massively struggling with my workload and qualification, i was ill, DD was just diagnosed with dyslexia, i was having counselling for childhood abuse...too much really, and the gp prescribed sertraline. She wanted to sign me off work but i said no. i knew if she did, i would never ever go back. it took a huge amount of courage to go to the gp as it was my old place of work....i felt a failure. i had left my job as doctors receptionist for a shiny new career in the police, a career not a job, and at my age that felt like a life line, and truth was i was struggling with it all.

however.
i took a couple of doses of the sertaline and it made me feel really really ill. like drunk ill, sick, whoozy, spaced out and i knew i could not function like that.

i stopped taking it. i stopped talking. i shut down, i went into autopilot and carried on. i managed to get my qualification and passed my probation. yay. i should feel proud and happy. but i didnt. ive no real idea how i managed it. i got through my entire 2 year probation with not a single issue, and i still dont know how.

so we are 6 months later and i am flagging, and yet i have no idea if i really need ADs or if its just me....

i feel constantly tired. i cant get up on a morning - if im not at work i see DD off to school and go back to bed, i can easily sleep until 11am or later, and then, if ive no reason to get up, i can lay in bed, or just stay in pjs all day. i dont wash my face or brush my hair, i dont go out. i dont see anyone, and this is the thing, - i dont want to. im happy like that. i dont suppose shift work helps much with that though.

im probably drinking too much. at least 2 glasses of wine a day. (if im not on nights)

i dont go to bed. i stay up until the small hours, but actually, because i work shifts, thats not so bad - it means i can work myself around to nights without too much hassle....my problem really comes when im on day shifts and i need to get up at 5am. on those nights i take zopiclone to knock me out. all above board and prescribed, i was finding i was not sleeping at all on those nights and was making stupid mistakes at work, when driving etc. and on blue lights thats not a good idea, so another gp gave me zopiclone to take only on my day shifts (thats fine - i just take one every 10 days,)

i am currently having some health issues, and have been signed off work, im supposed to be off until a week on monday but i am going to have to go back earlier, the longer i wait to go back, the worse things will be and i have work piling up that i need to deal with.

im awaiting an endoscopy for some problems with my stomach. im on lots of meds for reflux at present (max dose of everything now, on 4 different meds) and am hoping to get the operation to sort it....

i know i am stressed. stressed beyond stressed. my workload is unmanageable and i am on my own with it - no consistant line manager to help me with it and i am told now that i am on my own - i should be able to manage it. its a learning curve and ive got to find a way to manage my workload....

ive got to make this job work for me. and im trying really hard to find outside interests, ive started horse riding which makes me forget the stress, and it doesnt matter what i look like - i can roll out of bed and go. DH says i can get my own horse if im sure i can afford it. that gives me something to go to work for...im working toward that.

i have few friends really in RL but those i do have have all actually said they think im depressed.
i know im not happy.
but is that depression? or am i just not happy? a bit down? is that going to be fixed with medication or should i just work my way through it? ive never had medication before and i actually hated how the sertaline made me feel.

im not sure what to do.

That's interesting about perfectionism and procrastination.

My friends and tutors that know me have told me that a major factor in my meltdown was that I was pushing myself too hard and that I was overpushing myself because I set too high expectations of myself. I wasn't really conscious of that but can see why they have said it.

Thing is I cope well with exams because there is usually a right and a wrong, and you fetch a percentage at the end which tells you a) how close to perfection you are and b) how you rank against your peers. They also tend to be objective with (in my sciencey and mathematical subjects) a right and wrongoing answer so I come out of an exam with an opinion on how I have performed.

I don't fair as well with essays. They are more subjective. You don't know how you will be judged by the marker.

What I have really struggled with on this pgce is that the pass fail is all observation based. You have nothing to compare to. You don't know how you are fairing against expectations. So I think I'm under achieving. I'm working my socks of achieve...can't gauge if/how I'm achieving so I pushe myself harder. .and Harder until I could push myself no more...and here I am.

mama your story really touched me - thank you for sharing. it seems it's often the cumulation of many traumas that lead to mental health problems and staying so long at your job shows that. what sort of therapy are you having? are you able to wait it out before making a decision about future employment?

ed funnily enough, my exam and essay marks tend to be very close rather than having a higher essay mark like most students and I think it's because I also am more comfortable with exams (objective) than essays (subjective). you should all prepare yourself for some major whinging from me over the next few months as I start my project module next week

silvery mostly re-frozen slush here now not looking forward to driving tomorrow. want to stay in my house and never leave but that's helles belles talking.

feeling

I didn't realise I'd cross posed with mama. That post brought a tear to my eye.

Problem for me is that I'm a 90%+ girl in exams. I typically achieve that easily with limited revision. I got 94 and 96% in a couple of undergraduate modules that I took as a mature student in a non specialist subject (I had been to the lectures tho). I came top of the class. I beat the specialist undergraduates. I still achieve well in essays (65-75%) but it takes a LOT more effort and I find it much more stressful. And with no benchmark and even no % score I find this observation based marking really pushing my comfort zone.

Ed I presume it is your teaching being observed? Then you have a ready made feedback system to tell you whether you are achieving your own objectives for the class - ie the class themselves. Do you know all their names? Can you keep them in order, can you get them to listen, do they understand what you have taught?

Yep...and I'm not convinced the answer is yes to all those. I'm off sick at the mo, but I am/was in one of the toughest schools in the county.

Been away from the thread for a day or two, as have been taking advantage of the fact that the headmonster is fast asleep, so all is well just now, and I've been catching up with friends etc. Of course I know it will end and the monster will wake and I will be crap again, but I am trying to keep that to the back of my mind. I have grandchrn in Ireland and we go over every 6 weeks and have a trip coming up end Jan and am hoping and praying the HM will stay snoozing..........

Phew - lots of back stories Ed I was just staggered to hear about your life and wonder how on earth you are still standing.....it does demonstrate how much the human spirit can endure, though with a big cost to you of course. Did you say one one of your DTDs was having emotional difficulties (can't remember exactly what it was and will lose this if I go back) The main thing that stuck out to me after reading your post was that you need to STOP. I can't imagine how you took on a PGCE with all the difficulties that you have had. I realise you are very intelligent and could have coped with this easily had you not had all the difficulties in life that you have had and still do have.

I don't know what your financial situation is Ed but it seems to me that the last thing you need right now is any more pressure. I can't possibly see how you can do a placement in Feb. Is it that you have to keep pushing yourself to prove that you can take on more and more pressure. If so, you are in a way setting yourself up to fail because you are trying to be super human (or that's how it seems to me) Can you give yourself "permission" to realise that you are struggling with an illness at the moment and need to take life more slowly......it's called being human!

Vicar I can't honestly say that I read all of your previous thread because it was very long, but I obviously got the main points, and like Ed you too suffered great trauma in your childhood and adulthood. You too set very high standards for yourself and worry like hell when you can't do your job because of illness.

Oh sorry I have to go - a friend has just arrived and so will have to turn off - back later.

love that nina is having a social life! long may hm snooze.

ed I agree with nina don't even think of going back next month. you have had so much to deal with and need to get over that. having said that, I think you do need a reason to get up. my cousins used to drag me to the gym (when I was off sick) straight after I'd dropped off ds. my parents paid the membership fee. it was hell at first but I started to look forward to it and feel better for it. of course, being me, I got slightly obsessed but that's another story. the other thong that helped was gardening. not something I ordinarily make time for but it made me feel better at the time. both gave measurable achievements. vicar has her riding as a reason to get up. what do you enjoy ed?

Being in bed lol!

Seriously I'm a crafty person. My therapist wants me to restart cross stitch. Problem is my tremor precludes me from doing this because at best I am self conscious of it and at worst I can't thread a needle. I have been doing a bit of knitting which is more doable as less delicate.

My target needs to give me reason to stay out of bed when I get back from school run. If I need a nap due to fatigue I need a nap but I need to try mad stay up and do something first and then make it an afternoon nap which might make my day a bit more balanced.

I tried that on Monday but I was so exhausted after a busy and nap free weekend that I was falling asleep emptying the dishwasher.

I am considering changing into accountancy so I have some bookstore self studybwhich I should and could work through. This would give me a head start and more clarity on whether to invest in it properly.

The thing about teaching is that it is like being an actor all day. I used to do a bit of lecturing, but that is nothing in comparisob.

I have been doing my marital accounts - for fun! Can you use Excel, Ed?

There you go then ed - devote a set time every day to doing that. it doesn't matter how long - even fifteen minutes - as long as you stick to it and get the sense of achievement from doing so. All the better if it helps you choose your future

hi again mama - keep posting if it helps. I have to say when i started the thread i felt quite isolated - just knowing im not alone (although i dont mean that in a selfish way!) is a comfort.
i too can feel my confidence drained away - not that i had much to start with.

DH is encouraging me to start to just survey the jobs sites to see what else is about - im going to start to do that because it will make me feel like i have options. Im not going to rush into anything but the thought of going back to work is really really scaring me. Not one of my colleagues have text or msg me to see how i am, it really just brings home how no one has my back at work. Only the supervisor has been out because he is obliged to do so on a monthly basis.

nana im so pleased to read you are having some better days - i dont blame you for not posting! enjoy it while it lasts.

to everyone else on the thread.

you sound positive again vicar - fab

im not managing to do much these last few days but im ok, i have some calls to make and some stuff to sort out, which i am getting really good at putting off.

like ed i need to attempt to stay up tomorrow. im going to really really try. ive got to get up to get DD to bus stop so if i get dressed i might just manage to not go back to bed.
or i should just set my alarm - and get up after a snooze (but i find that really hard to do)

anyway. best laid plans and all that....

Hello all This is a very kind and supportive thread indeed and helpful for us all who read and get comfort from it .
Vicar .......just an idea but have you ever thought of being in the Probation Service? Just a thought if the police is not good for your well being [and I truly understand that ] .
Use all the skills you have learned re the law and add the personal touch that makes a huge difference one to one . Your strength to help and advise given what you have been through in life and through work .
take care all .

basset thanks - i would love to try something that utilized the skills that got me into the police but i just have no idea how to go about finding related jobs.....

the sort of jobs ive been looking at have been low paid admin posts and the like - im really not relishing the thought of going backward but i dont know what else to do really.

ive got an appt with occupational health next week but i dont know how honest to be with them - do i tell them i am on the verge of leaving?

Thanks.

I've been puttingboff the accountancy reading because I don't have the cognitive function to usefully process the material at the moment....but I could treat it like a novel rather than study...just as background reading....I could even take a few past papers of the accountancy exams....saddo alert....

I glad others a're finding this thread useful.

I'm glad the headmmonsters sleeping. Feel free to stay away from the thread if you don't need us. I often wonder if you haven't posted for a while if it is because the hm is sleeping and you are getting on with rl or if the hm is rampaging and you are hiding under the duvet. I'm glad it is the former.

For look for other option vicar. Before I started posting on this thread I looked into the mechanics of studying accountancy. At the time it gave me a bit of optimism. I had/have a strategy which would allow me to persue it and makes me feel a little more in control of my future because I do have an alternative plan although I haven't committed either way yet.

Xpost

Do you have access to a careers counsellor? I'm fortunate as I am still technically a university student I can use the uni facilities. Could you investigate if you have any access to the local careers service?

Adds booking appointment to the list of useful jobs to do.

no ed nothing so useful, and our local services have all gone i think - i can check but i think all thats left is a teens service. i just need a back up plan if going back doesnt work out.

i must chase up the mortgage paperwork tomorrow and cancel a direct debit for the old one....must must must.

i did remember to book car in for MOT today though. one thing off the mental list.

right - i have run out of wine, ive had a and i think im going to attempt to sleep.

in the immortal words of Arnie - ill be back.
goodnight all.

Lol! I ran out of wine about 2hrs ago.

I'm in bed (in the words of cilla. ..surprise surprise).

DTDs are still awake and sighing...sigh...

Xp is away for over a week which means I am doing proper school runs (as opposed to dropping them round the corner in my PJ! ). Also means that all 3 of them are being PITA s because I think subconsciously they are stressed. Also means i have them for 10 days solid, which isn't a problem when i am wel...I think my liver is ggoing to suffer...

DTDs are awake and fighting...nit sighing.

Checking out your options without making a decision seems like a good plan.

I think occ health are there to help you back into your current job - not to help you generally.

ed does alcohol not counteract your ad's?

ps bed at five to eleven is good

Yeah helles I know that, I just didn't know whether to tell them that I'm finding it too much. I had a terrible night, woke up at 3 and didn't get back off until 7. DD is full of cold so I've let her stay off as tomorrow she had another GCSE. So I'm still in bed and I may go back to sleep for a bit - I feel dizzy I'm so tired.

Staying in bed after that much sleep sounds like a god idea or you are going to end up messing up what sleep pattern you have.

I'll hold the fort on the thread. I'll stay out of bed for a bit and distract helles. :o

next door are banging again....how long does it take to fit a little kitchen!?! It's gone on since Saturday .... I need some sleep.