should i go back to gp?

[DudeInaTutu]

back in the summer i went to the gp and blubbed all over her, i was very very down, there was an awful lot going on in my life and i was really struggling to cope, DS (who has SEN) had failed his course and uni looked in the balance, i was massively struggling with my workload and qualification, i was ill, DD was just diagnosed with dyslexia, i was having counselling for childhood abuse...too much really, and the gp prescribed sertraline. She wanted to sign me off work but i said no. i knew if she did, i would never ever go back. it took a huge amount of courage to go to the gp as it was my old place of work....i felt a failure. i had left my job as doctors receptionist for a shiny new career in the police, a career not a job, and at my age that felt like a life line, and truth was i was struggling with it all.

however.
i took a couple of doses of the sertaline and it made me feel really really ill. like drunk ill, sick, whoozy, spaced out and i knew i could not function like that.

i stopped taking it. i stopped talking. i shut down, i went into autopilot and carried on. i managed to get my qualification and passed my probation. yay. i should feel proud and happy. but i didnt. ive no real idea how i managed it. i got through my entire 2 year probation with not a single issue, and i still dont know how.

so we are 6 months later and i am flagging, and yet i have no idea if i really need ADs or if its just me....

i feel constantly tired. i cant get up on a morning - if im not at work i see DD off to school and go back to bed, i can easily sleep until 11am or later, and then, if ive no reason to get up, i can lay in bed, or just stay in pjs all day. i dont wash my face or brush my hair, i dont go out. i dont see anyone, and this is the thing, - i dont want to. im happy like that. i dont suppose shift work helps much with that though.

im probably drinking too much. at least 2 glasses of wine a day. (if im not on nights)

i dont go to bed. i stay up until the small hours, but actually, because i work shifts, thats not so bad - it means i can work myself around to nights without too much hassle....my problem really comes when im on day shifts and i need to get up at 5am. on those nights i take zopiclone to knock me out. all above board and prescribed, i was finding i was not sleeping at all on those nights and was making stupid mistakes at work, when driving etc. and on blue lights thats not a good idea, so another gp gave me zopiclone to take only on my day shifts (thats fine - i just take one every 10 days,)

i am currently having some health issues, and have been signed off work, im supposed to be off until a week on monday but i am going to have to go back earlier, the longer i wait to go back, the worse things will be and i have work piling up that i need to deal with.

im awaiting an endoscopy for some problems with my stomach. im on lots of meds for reflux at present (max dose of everything now, on 4 different meds) and am hoping to get the operation to sort it....

i know i am stressed. stressed beyond stressed. my workload is unmanageable and i am on my own with it - no consistant line manager to help me with it and i am told now that i am on my own - i should be able to manage it. its a learning curve and ive got to find a way to manage my workload....

ive got to make this job work for me. and im trying really hard to find outside interests, ive started horse riding which makes me forget the stress, and it doesnt matter what i look like - i can roll out of bed and go. DH says i can get my own horse if im sure i can afford it. that gives me something to go to work for...im working toward that.

i have few friends really in RL but those i do have have all actually said they think im depressed.
i know im not happy.
but is that depression? or am i just not happy? a bit down? is that going to be fixed with medication or should i just work my way through it? ive never had medication before and i actually hated how the sertaline made me feel.

im not sure what to do.

oh no helles - hope its gone within 48 hours. take it easy and rest, fluids when you can. its truly horrible, i got it about 2 years ago.

ed thanks -

think we have all a bit of a pants day today then. im not dressed. im still in pjs with greasy hair....yuk.

vicar is he not registered already for student support, given his diagnosis? They really are the people he should go to. He needs to learn how to get help from people other than his mother, OK this time with prompts from you, but I think that's what he needs to learn for the future...Don't sort it all out for him but be right behind him as he does so with appropriate help from those who are paid to provide such support.

he rang me back and says he "just paid it because it was easier"

i know he didnt owe this money and he had emails to prove when he cancelled the account.

im with him. I would rather have tried to phone them than him pay money he didnt even sodding owe!

vicar I've done similar things in my early twenties, stupid things that cost me money. I was just glad my parents never needed to know

On a related point, DS(24) not AS, has never had his post forwarded, nor changed his address with his bank and various other people, since he moved out 2 years ago. He does collect it from time to time. I got fed up and opened an important looking one the other day - turned out to be from his car insurers, he had not dealt with paperwork and thus they had settled and he'd lost no claims discount. I thought he might have been burying his head in the sand, it took some effort not to open it before! But at his age he has got to learn from consequences, though I do offer him the benefit of my sage advice, sometimes without him even asking for it

i know. im just feeling down and that didnt help. And this is ridiculous but im just going to write it down....please humour me and i know rationally that its stupid - but
i have 2 cats. One cat has always been grumpy and aloof. Suddenly, these last few days, she is coming and laying on my knee, purring, being cute, settling down and going to sleep.

now the last cat i had with a complete personality change had cancer, she could sense it and got friendly with everyone - but this is a young(ish) cat and its just me she has suddenly taken a shine to, the most horrible thought entered my head - what if there is something wrong with me and she can sense it?

and now i need to put my sensible and rational head on again - i said it to DH and he got a bit cross with me - he just said im being silly and a hypochondriac. but i have got all those veruccas that wont budge, and the acid reflux problem that debilitates me and now the mental health issues and the fatigue....

i keep telling myself the cat is just being friendly. but she is 7 and it seems she has had a personality transplant with me only.

i sound really wappy now. i realise that.

vicar you are generalising from the behaviour of one cat. I will generalise from my experience of lots of cats. They do notice if you seem to need a bit of a cuddle or a therapeutic purring session. Also you have gone from being around odd hours to being there a lot more, so part of the female cat den more than you were. Also you are pretty run down. Tis only your feline family rallying round you :)

I agree with silvery you get more of these niggly problems when you are depressed and so not taking proper care of yourself. cats have an unerring instinct for the warmest spot: their human as a rule!

i know im being irrational. its just the change in her is astounding - even DH started commenting on it. She isnt around me all the time - but will suddenly come up on the sofa arm, then pick her way onto my knee, throw her self full length and go to sleep purring. She is even tolerating me stroking her while there... She is the grumpiest animal ever, so this is really odd behaviour from her.
The other one often cuddles up to me and is a big baby, no change in her behaviour at all.
its quite bizarre.

Cats and horses often have an affinity. Perhaps you suddenly smell nice to D'grumpy'Cat!!

Oh I give up.

I've booted up the laptop so I don't lose another post and I've just lost my third blinking post of the day.

Chin up vicar. Small problems are so much harder to deal with this illness. I remember how it was the end of the world when I broke my finger a week after my meltdown, then I had a giunea pig die, then another, its just one insult after another when you can't cope eaily with what you already have on your plate and then another comes along.

Helles sorry about the Noro...dare I say it an excuse to stay in bed?

oh well...I'm feeling rubbish. Head seems to be working better but body isn't keeping up. I am having some physical symptoms of depressionn and anxiety (nausea, faitgue, forgetfulness). Motivation is improving tho. Did quite a lot of small house work jobs, and admin. Didn'yt spend loads of time doing them but acheived quite a lot...but I was still in bed 9:30am-4pm. Slept less overall though.

Just confused as to where I am at the moment...not sure if I am going forwards or backwards. And now I am going to hit post and go to bed before I lose this one....fingers crossed...

i hear you ed - im also feeling a bit like today ive gone backwards. i stayed in bed (albeit chatting to dsis on phone) until well after lunch time.

i didnt get dressed.

i have bathed and hair washed but couldnt be arsed to dry it properly. im feeling a bit "slumpy" again. a bit drained.

I am delurking (this thread has been helping me a lot; you are all incredible and strong in many ways).

Vicar, my cat would realize when people were sad or down and come fuss over them. When I went to uni, the cat started to fuss over mum in a major way (mum was quite unwell at the time). The cat did this especially when mum was sad or upset. I think they do care for their pet humans.

well played mama love the line about pet humans - that's exactly right.

I'm glad our ramblings help but it's Brill that you posted. what's your situation?

re health: no more sickness but tummy hurts. thought I might try for a phone appointment with doctor to try and increase my ad's. I'm better than I was over Christmas but a lot of things are still a struggle.

ed try to spend even fifteen minutes less in bed today - give yourself a target to work towards. I always feel worse on days I've stayed in bed. I think it makes me wonder what the point of me is. as though I don't exist when I'm in bed.

Morning all.

Motivation forecast for the day: non existent
Destination for the day: bed
Eta: already there

ed I'm not saying to stay out of bed - just to try and wean yourself off a little day by day. it really does help.

got an appointment with gp for this afternoon re ad's.

afternoon all

mama thank you for posting - i feel more rational about it today. Glad our ramblings are helping someone!

i should have stayed up this morning - i was half dressed and quite awake after the school run - i took a cuppa back to bed which was a mistake. The cats both climbed on, i got comfortable and my morning has gone. i didnt even sleep - next door still banging as they are having a new kitchen.

i should have stayed up - i feel a bit rubbish now and i should have been tidying up. I wasted my morning.

hey ho.

Afternoon. Welcome to the fold mama.

Wasted morning here too.

I know what you meant helles. It was just ironic that as I was coming to post that I was having a bad day and heading to bed you were posting to get me to spend less time in bed. I felt that I had to acknowledge what you were saying but I was still committed to going to bed.

I'm getting up now though. Gonna pop to Tesco for some fresh bread and bits.

Back later

just about to head to HP's but had to say: I'm reading overcoming perfectionism and it massively chimes. u procrastinate because I fear failure and fail because I procrastinated then I fear failure even more.

gp says putting up dose 10mg every 4 weeks til my mood levels to avoid side effects.

Up quite early for me, then off to the dentist. Then I knew I needed a nap, with a nice hot water bottle, so I've had one :)

I know that procrastination one all too well belles. Also the one that goes - this will take hours to do, when in reality it is much less than that when you finally get down to it. (I saw you on the snow thread btw, am in the NE)

I have been surprised by how much I can get done in the time it takes the kettle to boil!

Are you northumbrian?

Am from Sarf London, but for over 40 years have lived in or near Durham :)

Yes, I just did a load of pans while making a milky coffee...

Probably snowy there then silvery. it always seems snowier in Durham than anywhere else.

Sure is. Haven't you got any?

I have PTSD and am dealing with major confidence loss.

There's a long back story. In a nutshell, I remained in a workplace with an abusive boss. I didn't want to leave for a number of reasons. Very niche market and quite unique work and I had been there since its inception. I was instrumental to setting it up and developing it, and it was something very tied to my heart. In my small field I was known internationally which given my junior position was a little achievement that I admit I was proud of. I loved my work but not what the workplace had become; bad politics was rife.

This behaviour persisted for over a year and a half. As a non-UK contract worker my legal rights were very limited. Reporting would likely just agitate and at some later point culminate in job loss. So now I have no job and have been diagnosed with PTSD. I cannot imagine returning to a similar workplace. I cannot remember what a normal working relationship is and it terrifies me. Imagining aspects of my work day just makes me scared, triggers another round of flashbacks and leaves me feeling horrible.

On the plus side - reading through the mental health, relationships and employment issues sections has reminded me what else of life. Each person makes peace with life in their own way. I cried when I read through the "...packing my bags and leaving" thread and when EMIN's thread on caring for babies born with drug dependencies resurfaced, again I was greatly touched by the depth of humanity.

This thread has been helping me process what I am going through and also been teaching me to be gentle with myself. DH came in from work the other day "So, what have you done today? Spent it in bed?" (he was joking and grinning). The next day I decided to do just that and since I have given myself some slow mornings like some of you do. (I then let my husband know; he shook his head in bemusement). It's helped keep me more on an even keel some days.

Reading about how tough some days are and how important it is to achieve small things (I tidied up the paper pile; it is back though so round two is due). Seeing you acknowledge the tricky balance, how you support and care for one another; the camaraderie. I am trying to get the house back to its normal standards. I was known notorious for being clean and tidy, even when working and with a family (no cleaner or family close by to help out). I am having to almost relearn my organizational skills.

I am seeing a counsellor who has been a massive help in helping me sort my head out. I knew what I was going through but chose to ignore it so that I could permit myself to work there. No sane person would have tolerated so much for so long. In doing so I normalised the behaviour and it just went downhill from there. I am also trying to make myself do things to rebuild some of my confidence - I go to a language class, struggle greatly with trying to learn a musical instrument, and do a few hours each week volunteering. I have slow days and good days. I have bad days but I try to remind myself that they are not all bad even if when I am back in the middle of it it feels that way. Okay, bad days are downright horrific but the sun is out today.

Okay, I should go tidy up the kitchen and living area and make the public face of the house look good.

Thank you