should i go back to gp?

[DudeInaTutu]

back in the summer i went to the gp and blubbed all over her, i was very very down, there was an awful lot going on in my life and i was really struggling to cope, DS (who has SEN) had failed his course and uni looked in the balance, i was massively struggling with my workload and qualification, i was ill, DD was just diagnosed with dyslexia, i was having counselling for childhood abuse...too much really, and the gp prescribed sertraline. She wanted to sign me off work but i said no. i knew if she did, i would never ever go back. it took a huge amount of courage to go to the gp as it was my old place of work....i felt a failure. i had left my job as doctors receptionist for a shiny new career in the police, a career not a job, and at my age that felt like a life line, and truth was i was struggling with it all.

however.
i took a couple of doses of the sertaline and it made me feel really really ill. like drunk ill, sick, whoozy, spaced out and i knew i could not function like that.

i stopped taking it. i stopped talking. i shut down, i went into autopilot and carried on. i managed to get my qualification and passed my probation. yay. i should feel proud and happy. but i didnt. ive no real idea how i managed it. i got through my entire 2 year probation with not a single issue, and i still dont know how.

so we are 6 months later and i am flagging, and yet i have no idea if i really need ADs or if its just me....

i feel constantly tired. i cant get up on a morning - if im not at work i see DD off to school and go back to bed, i can easily sleep until 11am or later, and then, if ive no reason to get up, i can lay in bed, or just stay in pjs all day. i dont wash my face or brush my hair, i dont go out. i dont see anyone, and this is the thing, - i dont want to. im happy like that. i dont suppose shift work helps much with that though.

im probably drinking too much. at least 2 glasses of wine a day. (if im not on nights)

i dont go to bed. i stay up until the small hours, but actually, because i work shifts, thats not so bad - it means i can work myself around to nights without too much hassle....my problem really comes when im on day shifts and i need to get up at 5am. on those nights i take zopiclone to knock me out. all above board and prescribed, i was finding i was not sleeping at all on those nights and was making stupid mistakes at work, when driving etc. and on blue lights thats not a good idea, so another gp gave me zopiclone to take only on my day shifts (thats fine - i just take one every 10 days,)

i am currently having some health issues, and have been signed off work, im supposed to be off until a week on monday but i am going to have to go back earlier, the longer i wait to go back, the worse things will be and i have work piling up that i need to deal with.

im awaiting an endoscopy for some problems with my stomach. im on lots of meds for reflux at present (max dose of everything now, on 4 different meds) and am hoping to get the operation to sort it....

i know i am stressed. stressed beyond stressed. my workload is unmanageable and i am on my own with it - no consistant line manager to help me with it and i am told now that i am on my own - i should be able to manage it. its a learning curve and ive got to find a way to manage my workload....

ive got to make this job work for me. and im trying really hard to find outside interests, ive started horse riding which makes me forget the stress, and it doesnt matter what i look like - i can roll out of bed and go. DH says i can get my own horse if im sure i can afford it. that gives me something to go to work for...im working toward that.

i have few friends really in RL but those i do have have all actually said they think im depressed.
i know im not happy.
but is that depression? or am i just not happy? a bit down? is that going to be fixed with medication or should i just work my way through it? ive never had medication before and i actually hated how the sertaline made me feel.

im not sure what to do.

S'ok, found it

I'm out of bed. I've been out of bed 15mins

But I'm not happy about it.

It's snowy. Dd3 playing out. I've got to rush around sorting snow suitable clothes and stuff.

Back later

Bad start here...well some positives..butility still a bad start.

No sleep yesterday.
Reasonably early night.
I still woke several times in the night .WWasn't hideous as got back to sleep but still disturbed.
went to the loo at 6.30 saw snow and then couldn't get back to sleep as my head was motoring trying to mentally find snow gloves and boots etc. Dd3 then got up.
Dd3 got dressed and went to play with neighbours in the snow for 20mins hence me being out of bed so early.
Took dcs to xp for school. Come home. I'm sooo sleepy it's unreal. I did force myself to empty and reload the dishwasher. I did force myself to take dry washing off airer and wet washing on. I did force myself to put yesterdays swimming kit to dry.
I forced myself to pick up a handful of rubbish. And then an armful stuff to bring upstairs. I displeased I did it but I cannot believe how much mental and physical effort it took. So hard work.

Now I am in bed and struggling to keep my eyes open. I will try and post the other stuff later. Night all.

Just read that back. It's full of typos. Sorry. New phone plus bad head equals disaster.

Well you've done well to force yourself in spite of broen sleep.

morning all

ed you have done quite a bit there this morning. Dont be too hard on yourself.

i was shattered last night - but still bloody woke up at 4.15!! Night before it was 3.55am.....ggrrrrrrrrrr!

i did get back off but then was up at 6.30 with DD, drove her to bus stop as a light covering of snow here and she has GCSE today so i took pity on her....came home and thought i would get another hours lay down before the doctors.....
then next door started banging - i think they are having a new kitchen. So im very tired but not a chance of a snooze for me....DH says they were banging all day saturday and sunday too. (i was at stables so escaped - its bloody annoying!)

anyway - im back from GP. She is super lovely, very understanding and wrote me another sick note without me even asking - she has given me another 4 week note. She says i look brighter - i have to say i dont feel very bright but i am making superhuman efforts, ive to see her again in 3 weeks and she has done a prescription for more sertraline.

She has also advised a phased return to work when i do go back. I said about the early morning waking still despite being shattered through fresh air and hard work - she says its still the underlying illness.

anyway - i need to call my sgt and let him know. he will want to come out and visit this week so id better have a tidy up

im going to get off here now and go and do some tidying. its not too bad and is doable without being daunting. so while it stays that way im going to tackle it....

speak later all. hope you have a good day.

Oh Edyou do have a heavy load with 3 children and being a single parent. I'm really sorry I either don't know or have forgotten, are you on ADs and how long have you been ill?

Yes you deserve a nice snooze under the duvet........presumably you have to collect your 6 yr old from school.

Vicar so so glad you have "super lovely GP" and have a sick note for another 4 weeks, so you can put work out of your mind for the time being. Early waking as you know is a symptom of depression, and maybe it will take more time for this to cease........are you actually feeling any better Vicar as I know you thought the sertraline was not doing any good, but you must have been on it for 6 weeks or more now. Just wondered.

My headmonster is fast asleep............so relieved after so many crap days.

glad your HM is asleep nina

i think the higher dose is starting to have an impact - the lower dose didnt. im more motivated than i was (still not great but better than it was) and definitely feeling better, but only for the last week or so - been on it about 6 weeks. Now i look back, i realise how bad i had become. I think that must be a sign of improvement.

doctor has said there is scope to up the dose again, if i need to.

she has also referred me to the mental health team because i asked about CBT. There is a long wait for it but they will assess me.

I'm awake.

I was frustrated this morning. My head had some motivation but my body was just too exhausted. I was so exhausted I was falling asleep typing that post, and then slept 3hrs.

I feel like vicars twin. I could have written the main paragraph from the last post about motivation.

I feel like helles twin, I'm a brownie leader traditionally the cook on sleepovers.

Unfortunately I don't feel that I can twin nina or silvery, but that's nothing personal!

Glad your head monster is sleeping again nina. I know you've said it was unpredictable but how many days is he typically awake each month. He does sound so hard to deal with.

Right. I must get out of bed, eat and tidy. Girl guiding night tonight (dd3 at rainbows, me at brownies then dtds at guides) so hectic night...and I need to do some planning for Brownies. I want to boot up laptop to give backstory. Will try and do it later...

But for now will someone please boot my size 16 Arse out of bed?

Am v v impressed at the scouts and brownie cooks/leaders. I could do that I suppose, but only if I was really really at the top of my game with nothing else going on like housework and life...

Girlguiding is the only 'optional' part of my life I have continued with through this.

It is hard but my gp is a guide leader and was keen for me to continue even if I don't actually 'do' anything other than turn up weekly continuing it is important so I don't completely shut off from the outside world.

My Brown owl is also my best friend and the only person to know how bad I am (as much as anyone on the outside can know) and so is pretty good at giving me just the right amount of responsibility (or not) for my present state of mind.

You have reminded me of a kind friend who, a few years ago now, very gently insisted I helped out in the tea tent in his annual allotment open day, despite my deep depression. I was so so doubtful of doing it (despite it featuring tea and cake, that's how bad I was as that's not me at all!)

But so glad I did and so thankful to that thoughtful and understanding friend. That day marked the start of the long process of recovery...

I reckon the AD is working for you Vicar - just took a long time to kick in, and you can take a higher dose. Have the side effects gone away?

Ed I don't know how you manage to cope with 3 children, depression and
all the Brownies, guides etc. Mind it is helpful that the guide leader and brown owl is your best friend, and they know what you are going through. You ask how long the HM is typically awake each month - afraid that there is nothing typical or predictable about it at all. Last year he slept the whole way through Jan, Feb and March and I really believed he'd gone for good, only to have a crap April and May. I keep a record of it all - it somehow gives me some control. Overall it works out that he is asleep for approx 80% of the time and awake for 20% although this last bout has been longer and more intense than I can remember. He can change from day to day and he has a lovely little trick up his sleeve - I can wake up feeling fine and have a coffee in bed and read the paper, and then I get up and once in the shower or shortly after I start to feel flat and miserable.............usually lasts till early/mid afternoon.

I just thank god I have no small children and no money worries as am retired with a decent pension and a supportive DP. I am definitely going to contact MIND to see if I can volunteer in some way, because I can't imagine how it must be to be alone with this awful illness without any support.

i really hope so nana

i had told the GP that i was going to start looking for another job but she counselled me not to do anything rash while im ill.

the problem is that i really think its the job thats making me ill. Cant be 100% sure but im pretty certain....

i dont know whether to try the phased return and see if anything feels different, or whether to just look for something while im off and not go back.

at the moment i dont want to go back. If my riding instructor offered me a job id take it in a flash, min wage. (obviously she wont - she cant afford paid staff!) but i wonder if that tells me something.

Another set of positive days all round

I was quite spaced today after putting off going to sleep last night and only having five hours. I hate when I get like this. I think, maybe, i was feeling out of control after I just dumped everything then sat on MN all night! I was too tired to sort out laundry etc so should have gone to sleep. Hey Ho! Done now.

Have any of you heard this story:

Two friends were walking in the desert. One friend slapped the other and the friend who had been slapped wrote in the sand, "today, my friend hit me". Later, he/she fell into a river and was pulled out by his/her friend. He carved into the rock, "today, my friend saved my life." The friend was curious he/she said, "when I hit you, you wrote it in the sand but when I saved you, you carved it in rock. Why was that?"
The reply came, "when someone hurts us we should write it in sand where
winds of forgiveness can erase it away. When someone does something good
for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it."
Learn to write your hurts in sand and carve your benefits in stone.

I've been trying to do this with friends as it is easy, when depressed/anxious to become convinced that they don't really like you and to blow the slightest things out of all proportion. I realise, now, that I should do it with life as well: learn to write my hurts in sand and carve my benefits in stone.

Will try to do it anyway.

I've been determined to come on and post my back story so that you have got some kind of context to who I am and where I've been. I fear this may be long so please bare with more or skip if you are not interested. I will kind of do it as a kind of timeline so you can see. I did have a traumatic childhood and have included that. Although I don't feel that affects me day to day I can see that I have some minor anxieties that probably originate from there that affect me day to day but not to the extent anyone would notice. Its the events from the last 18m or so which I believe have contributed to my current illness but they are all part of me if that makes sense.

Aged 3/4?-8 subjected to abuse at home
Aged 15/16 reawakened abusive memories. SS involvement with negative memories of this. Mother extremely ill. Primary carer for myself and my younger brother in practice although not on paper. ? borderline eating disorder (1 apple every 2 days at one point). Retrospectively can see the symptoms of stress, reduced appetite, trembling,
Aged 19ish father tried to murder mother

Nov 2009 - Relationship troubles. Query emotional affair between XP and neighbour. ADs cos I was struggling. Ongoing over next couple of years.
Jan 2010 - found out would be made redundant
Jan 2011 - redundant. Started to persue a new career in teaching. Full time student
Feb 2011 - confirmation of XP and OW. Relationship breaks down (but XP continues to see married OW and I have too face this daily as they both live so close)
Sept 2011 - Start PGCE (teacher training)
Nov ish 2011 - DTD1 is struggling with relationship breakdown and is self harmining.
Feb 2012 - Step father diagnosed with cancer. In a hospital close to me. DM lives with me 5 days a week (I don't have a strong relationship with DM which adds to the strain of her staying).
April 2012 - Step father put on end of life pathway. Transferred home for final days (70mins from where I live). I suspend PGCE to support family. 3hr round trip daily 5 days/week.
May 2012 - Step father passes away. 'Too late' to complete PGCE this academic year.
Oct 2012 - resume PGCE. Do 2 weeks of my placement. Survive on 3hrs sleep per night before crashing. Lots of people say I had too high expectations of myself.

So since Oct 2012...Started off I thought sleep would cure me and I would be straight back to my placement after the weekend. Quickly realised I was wrong. Signed off sick. Started Fluoxetine. Main symptoms of stress/anxiety/depression were nausea, tremours, inability to concentrate, inability to hold a coherent conversation, very very poor memory, fatigue, poor motivation.
After 3 weeks I was still nauseous trembling etc. I thought they were side effects. GP doubled dose and signed me off for a month without me asking. Turns out she was right they were just symptoms of the stress.

Started to see an NHS 'therapist'. Not sure what the technical term for her type of therapy is but apparently I am entitled to 6 30min sessions and have already had 2. She is not a counsellor but works in mental health services. she is looking at getting me to restore my sleep pattern at the moment. Initial assessment shows high levels of general anxiety (GAD score of 21/27 I think) and moderate depression (score 15/21?). I know I have symptoms of anxiety and depression but I don't feel anxious or depressed in my head. I just feel as though I can't function properly. My therapist describes it as a "multifunctional breakdown with multiple stressors" or something like that. I am concerned about my ability to care for my DCs. I am maintaining food and clotheing for them and little else.

Over the last few days I am beginning to see the light. I am beginning to see how ill and non functional I was/am. I am begining to see the old me, and I am acheiving more on a daily basis in terms of basic everyday tasks....or at least to a better and more detailed standard.

So here I am. 40mg fluoxetine daily. I still have a significant tremor. My motivation is low but improving. My memory and conversational function is slowly getting better. I'm supposed to be out of bed and dressed by 9. I'm supposed to be in bed by 10pm. I am only supposed to sleep in my bed. I am due back at the GP last week I think but still have a couple of weeks meds. I have to decide what to do about PGCE but GP and therapist won't let me make a decision while I am still ill. In theory I could start a new placement in Feb but I don't think I will be ready. And if I do finish it who would take on an NQT with all the history above? One thing I am looking at is retraining in accountancy....but even then I will have a huge black mark on my CV. In that respsect I am in a lose lose situation.

Anyway I am going to shut up rambling now. Sorry its been a bit me me me but I have got that off my chest and by doind so feel as though I have acheived one of my goals for the day.

Sorry I haven't acknowledged everyone personally I will try and catch up tomorrow.

i bet that was therapeutic ed

look how far you have come. you should be proud of yourself.

i am going to link to another thread for my back story. feel free not to wade through the entire diatribe! but it just kinds of gives some explanation i suppose as to what has built up - though i do still blame the job for the straw that broke the camels back....plus since i left home there were other experiences that have probably contributed - DS diagnosis and ensuing battle with LEA, dsis death followed my my nan dying 4 weeks later - and that was it - i was an orphan. took a while to come back from that. then i thought id got it all - lovely DH, tick, 2 wonderful kids, tick then the "dream" career!!.
now the dream job is a nightmare.

a boring back story of sorts here if anyone can be remotely arsed and i wouldnt blame you for one second if you couldnt!

hey ho. onward and upward. trying not to be self indulgent and have a pity party.
but hope this explains my nuttiness a bit. on the whole im actually fairly normal. honest.

Of course you are normal. Of course you are not nutty...you are my MN twin...

But on the other hand

I'm logging off now but will look through tomorrow. I didn'y post for pity but Nina asked for back story and yes it was therapeutic. It was "interesting" thinking through the childhood stuff and perhaps bringning it into context with the now. I think I need to give that some more thought....but thats for another day....

Good luck with the sleep tonight.....i'm switching off now and hope to sleep until the alarm goes off...

goodnight ed

i have just re read my own thread. blimey.....

ive had far too much wine whilst doing so and i should go to sleep....i would like not to wake up at 4....got to get up and take DD to bus stop but then i could be forgiven for going back to bed if i really need to.....

Another crap day coming here. I will be joining you in bed.

Another one of those frustrating head will work but body won't.

Another frustrating night where I woke several times but didn't stay awake. I think it's a side effect of the meds for me.

Back later...school run time then back to bed.

i did the same ed - did school run and went back to bed - though next door are having a kitchen fitted (been going on since last Saturday) and the drilling and hammering is now starting to drive me insane....i got an hour then it woke me up.
I languished in bed though - saved putting the heating on. Then Dsis rang so i stayed in bed chatting to her.

im up and about now but have done sod all - i have taken my meds but im still lounging about in pjs....DH has gone to the shop.

i need a bath and my motivation seems to have left me - though i couldnt run in the snow anyway so im letting myself off with no exercise....(i suppose i could stick a dvd on later and try a work out before a bath.....i will see how i feel later in the day - i tend to feel more energetic later in the day)

hope you are ok ed. its hibernation weather anyway....

hope the rest of you ladies are ok too - (helles, nana et al)

aaaarrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

DS is driving me INSANE!!!

i will explain later.....need to calm down first.

ok.

no wonder im bloody stressed. Had a call from a debt collection agency looking for DS.
Turns out he used an internet company to host his website - he tried to cancel it but they kept taking his money, so he stopped the card and again tried to terminate his account. They are notoriously bad for this (i have googled them) but have sold the "debt" to this collection company who are not chasing him HERE - on my EX DIRECTORY number.

phoned DS who has AS and thinks that my simply changing his phone number they would go away.

i have told him to get his arse down to citizens advice. He went - they will only see him at 8.45 tomorrow. he has lectures then. he has rung me 3 times....Cit advice have told him to go to student support.
i know he wont be able to sort this out for himself.
im going to end up doing it - or he is going to end up paying £56 pound that he doesnt even really owe.

just as i start to feel calmer i have that horrible tight feeling in my chest again.

Arrggghhhh I've just lost my message twice now cos my phone rang. Hugs to vicar. I'm sure it will sort out. Got to go. I've got 6mins to get up and get dressed before DTDs get in.

Catch you later

bad day all round: I have the norovirus