should i go back to gp?

[DudeInaTutu]

back in the summer i went to the gp and blubbed all over her, i was very very down, there was an awful lot going on in my life and i was really struggling to cope, DS (who has SEN) had failed his course and uni looked in the balance, i was massively struggling with my workload and qualification, i was ill, DD was just diagnosed with dyslexia, i was having counselling for childhood abuse...too much really, and the gp prescribed sertraline. She wanted to sign me off work but i said no. i knew if she did, i would never ever go back. it took a huge amount of courage to go to the gp as it was my old place of work....i felt a failure. i had left my job as doctors receptionist for a shiny new career in the police, a career not a job, and at my age that felt like a life line, and truth was i was struggling with it all.

however.
i took a couple of doses of the sertaline and it made me feel really really ill. like drunk ill, sick, whoozy, spaced out and i knew i could not function like that.

i stopped taking it. i stopped talking. i shut down, i went into autopilot and carried on. i managed to get my qualification and passed my probation. yay. i should feel proud and happy. but i didnt. ive no real idea how i managed it. i got through my entire 2 year probation with not a single issue, and i still dont know how.

so we are 6 months later and i am flagging, and yet i have no idea if i really need ADs or if its just me....

i feel constantly tired. i cant get up on a morning - if im not at work i see DD off to school and go back to bed, i can easily sleep until 11am or later, and then, if ive no reason to get up, i can lay in bed, or just stay in pjs all day. i dont wash my face or brush my hair, i dont go out. i dont see anyone, and this is the thing, - i dont want to. im happy like that. i dont suppose shift work helps much with that though.

im probably drinking too much. at least 2 glasses of wine a day. (if im not on nights)

i dont go to bed. i stay up until the small hours, but actually, because i work shifts, thats not so bad - it means i can work myself around to nights without too much hassle....my problem really comes when im on day shifts and i need to get up at 5am. on those nights i take zopiclone to knock me out. all above board and prescribed, i was finding i was not sleeping at all on those nights and was making stupid mistakes at work, when driving etc. and on blue lights thats not a good idea, so another gp gave me zopiclone to take only on my day shifts (thats fine - i just take one every 10 days,)

i am currently having some health issues, and have been signed off work, im supposed to be off until a week on monday but i am going to have to go back earlier, the longer i wait to go back, the worse things will be and i have work piling up that i need to deal with.

im awaiting an endoscopy for some problems with my stomach. im on lots of meds for reflux at present (max dose of everything now, on 4 different meds) and am hoping to get the operation to sort it....

i know i am stressed. stressed beyond stressed. my workload is unmanageable and i am on my own with it - no consistant line manager to help me with it and i am told now that i am on my own - i should be able to manage it. its a learning curve and ive got to find a way to manage my workload....

ive got to make this job work for me. and im trying really hard to find outside interests, ive started horse riding which makes me forget the stress, and it doesnt matter what i look like - i can roll out of bed and go. DH says i can get my own horse if im sure i can afford it. that gives me something to go to work for...im working toward that.

i have few friends really in RL but those i do have have all actually said they think im depressed.
i know im not happy.
but is that depression? or am i just not happy? a bit down? is that going to be fixed with medication or should i just work my way through it? ive never had medication before and i actually hated how the sertaline made me feel.

im not sure what to do.

I've just realisted that I can't even read. All comments to vicar in my previous post (18.27) should have been directed at nana not vicar.

Sorry

Morning all. Some progress made in restoring sleep pattern. Have been out of bed in dressing gown listening to Desert Island Discs and MNetting for an hour or so :)

Ah the headmonster is asleep - he sort of dozed yesterday afternoon, but think he's out for the count today ........yippee! I said to my DP last night that I cannot believe there was a time when I went to bed and didn't know how I would wake up the next day. We don't appreciate what we have do we until we don't have it.

Sounds like everyone is more or less OK. Are you a single parent Ed and am glad to hear your twin girls are almost 12 - I thought they could be babies and how hard that would be. Do they know about your depression (think that's what you have - am sure you have given me your back story but I can't remember - ageing brain cells) I ask because I have a very dear GD who is 12 - 13 in April and she doesn't know but then it's easier because I only meet her from school once a week, so if I can't go DP goes. She is very mature and sometimes I think of trying to explain but it is something that her parents (son and dil) never talk about to me, and just accept that sometimes I'm OK and sometimes I'm not. Anyway my GD is soon to be a teenager and is busy with her own friends and school and playing all sorts of sports.

Can't decide what to do today (it's like I am holding this wonderful day in the palm of my hand and want to make the best of it..........)

Vicar I think the horsey thing is good but don't wear yourself out.

I'm back!!

Couldn't wait til tomorrow to check on you all and it all sounds very positive (despite a few lows). Well done ladies!

Not long back - had tea from takeaway and need to unpack car and shower but that is ALL I am doing tonight.

Had a great time but a couple of mini-weeps while on camp. Very tired by the time I got to sleep on Friday night after a full day at work, acclimitizing to sub-zero, cooking for 15 and putting up tent etc . Went to bed just after 12 when most scouts (and the other three leaders were going strong).

Up at 7, yesterday, to cook breakfasts. First cry just after scouts went off to activities. Explained to other leaders about chronic depression and how, just because I'm crying, it doesn't mean anything's wrong. Had walk, had a barn owl and a harris hawk fly to my gauntlet, met some other leaders and generally felt better so headed to back to cook again and again! Got a shout out on camp radio for my brill breakfast (porridge + fry-up) from two of the scouts .

After tea, it was leader's activity night and hardly any of the activities were still on but I did do abseiling which was something I hadn't tried since I was a guide and had a panic attack and had to be pulled back up. I did it!! Felt a bit flattened though when the reduced mobility in my arthritic hip made me give up only a couple of feet up the climbing wall . Actually I shouldn't have because I would have done it and it's not my fault I have arthritis. Pub quiz (we came third) then bed at half ten with a gutful of painkillers as my joints were not too happy at the amount of walking and other exercise I'd been getting .

I had to be woken up at 9 this morning -as did the scouts who were up past midnight and we rushed breakfast so there was a little bit of burning to the porridge . I made it up to them at lunchtime by letting them have all the cake they could eat. Had a cry this afternoon after a man with an articulate lorry was very unco-operative when I asked him how long he would be loading it (he was blocking me in) so I could go away and have a cuppa rather than hang around glaring at him and then one of the other leaders (a very good friend) snapped at me when I made a joke but we sorted that out later. One of the scouts said he'd had the best camp food ever (I did all the cooking) !

Home now and desperately need a shower. Sorry it's such a long post just about me (with so many emoticons) but my emotions were all over the place so I thought I should give some details!

nananina glad HM is giving you a bit of a break, hope you had a good day what ever you decided on.

helles your weekend sounds busy, and very successful! well done you

i ended up at the stables again today - should have only been there for riding lesson but ended up staying again to help out all day. (wish id known - i didnt take any food with me!)

i feel absolutely worn out but in a good way - like fresh air, hard graft and being around the animals have been a tonic, and i was asked to stay, so i must be doing something right and being useful!

im back to GP tomorrow and feeling a bit anxious about that - but im hoping i sleep - thought i would sleep like a log last night but i woke up early again - its not happening every single day anymore but its still an issue and i believe early morning waking is a symptom of depression. I know ive had a lovely, busy, graft filled weekend but i realise im not out of the woods yet. Hope i can convey this to GP.

OMG HB I need a long lie down just reading all that you have done this weekend. I'm pretty sure you gave me your "back story" and I've had a look back but can't find anything, though I did see a long list of the things that help you to cope. You need a long rest to get over your mammoth weekend.

Vicar I'm guessing you're going to be anxious about GP visit tomorrow. You must say that you are not fit for work and explain what's happening, and you should get another sick note. I know there comes a time when even thinking about going back to work is stressful and sometimes it has to be a phased return, but I don't think you are anywhere near that stage. Don't feel badly because you sargeant was very empathetic and I think it is reasonably well known that recovery from depression is a long haul.

[Vicar], what [Nina] said! The GP knows that improvement is not cure so will probably advise you to stay off. Follow that advice. I refused to be off after diagnosis 4 years ago and that's when I had a breakdown - about a month later - and ended being off for three months and moving ds and I back to my parents as I was catatonic and couldn't look after ds or myself. I also stopped eating and lost 3 dress sizes in a few weeks (it doesn't sound that bad to me at the moment (back to size 18)).

Believe it or not, there was a lot of sitting around this weekend. Just short periods of extreme busyness! And lots of wading through mud.

Defo going to unpack car now and have shower and sleep.

i am anxious and not quite sure how to convey that im not ready for going back. i think i need to have a good long think about what im going to do because when i do go back nothing will have changed.
unless the meds means i have, but the job will be as stressful as ever.

i have to say DH has been amazing through this - never any pressure, he would be fine with me leaving as long as i get something else - he just wants me to be happy. Ive not seen him at all this weekend - today i said i would be home early and he just said "i will put your dinner in the oven if your not back" - he did a roast and he did put my dinner in the oven....but he realises that helping at the yard is doing me good. He is being amazingly understanding about everything which helps. He spent the day revising with DD because she has GCSEs this month. He is a rock.

anyway - should get to bed soon. im shattered. my body is aching all over and my mind is happily tired.

You're looking on the bright-side Vicar another positive post despite your anxiety

Just say to the GP what you've just said in your post.

Have you had CBT? One of the things my therapist drummed into me was that you often can't control what's happening externally but you can control what's happening internally. The question is: despite the fact that little or nothing may have changed enough at work, can you see a time when you will be able to cope with that without becoming anxious and/or depressed? If not, go for it: start thinking about what you would/could do instead. That's what I did. I dropped quite a lot pay-wise but have benefited so much health-wise. I am certain that, had I stayed in my previous role as a sales team-leader/sales rep (the job I was moved into after my breakdown), I would have had to be hospitalized. Not through anyone's fault - it just wasn't the right environment for me. After all, as an asthmatic, I wouldn't work in a coal mine. As an anxious depressive, I shouldn't work in sales role...

i have no idea what made me think as a life long "worrier" that police work would suit me. its stressful. its the unknown. its dangerous. sometimes i just think i must have needed my head read.....other times i think i am suited to it because i am very calm and no one has ever not responsed to me positively - even when they are drunk, angry or whatever.

i had a few months of therapy through work - but we only touched on CBT....i found it incredibly hard to try and change my thought processes. i think i would need a lot of CBT to get anywhere and a very supportive therapist who was willing to put the time in - work dont have that luxury (she was wonderful but under constraints of time and concentrated on the Rewind therapy, which worked a treat i have to say)

anyway. i will ponder this more tomorrow. bed time now i think....or soon anyway.

thank you to all of you for being here for me to ramble to....

Anxious people, I'm generalising based purely on self-knowledge, often have an enhanced sense of responsibility. I often feel bad for things I haven't done or things i couldn't do as much as for things I have done. So the public services are obvious choices for us.

CBT worked really well for me. I came to think of it as evidence-based thinking more than changing my thought processes. I had about six months (I think people normally need about ten sessions - I'm just special) of regular sessions through the NHS. Many mental health trusts allow self-referral or, like me, your GP could refer you. They keep going til the job's done. I gather CBT is the preferred talking therapy now. Mind over Mood is a book you could work through at home (most of the exercises my therapist gave me were from it).

Of course, you have us for talking therapy too .

I haven't had Rewind - what is it, please?

Sorry to repost but I just posted this onto flylady thread:

^Oh My Word!!

Just off phone with DM and DF had said to her that I need to sort out my tip of a house! Based on the cup and bowl in the sink and several items of DS's clothes on floor after late-night packing session.

And this is after having cub and scout meetings on Wednesday night (and prepping Thursday's tea after I got in after ten) AND tutoring for two hours then packing on Thursday night AND going straight to scout camp from work on Friday night.

What's annoyed me is that they have come into my house and helped me clean it so many times when, after a spell of depression, I have had dirty dishes everywhere, no clean clothes, piles of stuff on every step, unopened mail on every surface. Which I'm very grateful for but there has been a real difference in how I run the house - and what it looks like and then he says that and I just feel so demotivated now. ^

And then they wonder why I grew up to be so anxious that every few years I melt into a depression

Rewind is for trauma. I come from a very abusive background and carried a load of pretty awful memories around with me - the way it works is very simple and very fast.
it took around 20 minutes.

you find a safe starting memory and a safe finishing memory - then the therapist has to hook the first horrible memory and the emotion that it illicits - but you dont have to say it out loud - i did and ended up sobbing.
she then put me on a table and i had to envisage my childhood from that first safe memory to the last safe memory as if i were watching it on a tv screen - she used some hypnotherapy to make that easy.
you then rewind and fast forward several times.
then you take the colour out.
then you move the tv screen further and further away

and then it disappoears into the distance.

and then - miraculously - the emotion is stripped from the memory - you still have all the memories in tact but they dont illicit an emotional response.

its fabulous and very good for PTSD.

i really works. i can now think about and talk about the shit that happened to me without breaking down into floods of tears or being a shaking anxiety ridden wreck.
in one 20 min session. i would recommend it for trauma.

it moves memories from one part of the brain to another - thats the technical bit....

but it works.

Vicar that sounds amazing!

I haven't had any traumas (and I wish you hadn't either) but I have practiced visualization and I have had hypnotherapy to improve my confidence in the past and they worked well for me. I'm really pleased it helped you to deal with such painful experiences so that, by the sound of it, they no longer define who you are.

Just popping in briefly before bed cos I am exhausted again. I really need my daytime naps :o

Looks like everyone has had a generally positive weekend (although helles parents seem a bit Ermm...words fail me). But you did STUNNINGLY over this weekend. I have brownie camp to look forward to at Easter...I'm always the cook...and my current state don't feel competent....I'm hoping I'm better by then (not cured, just better will do).

Will remind my back story tomorrow. But yes I'm a single parent to 3. Multiple stressful events over last 18m which came to a head with a 'multifunctional breakdown'Oct/Nov time. Right now I'm focussing on one day at a time. I don't even try to plan the following day because I find myself more functional when I wake up with a clean slate and no expectations.

I need to think about what therapy I should look for and how ...but I will post tomorrow and ask more specific advice from you guys that have more experience.

Right now I'm off up the wooden hill...good night one and all....

thanks helles

clearly i still have work to do around anxiety but the rewind therapy "freed" me from some very painful things and im grateful for that. i think its quite similar to EDMR but slightly different.

i think my experiences as a child have shaped my own 'head monster'.....i try very hard to not show it. on the face of it i am sorted, normal and no one would ever guess what sort of abuse i came from - physical abuse, mental abuse, and neglect, for years and years and years. This is why i have no contact with family. they are "toxic" i believe the term is on here. But it lurks underneath. the self doubt, the anxiety, all learned from an abusive hate filled man (who happened to be my step father) and who dropped dead at a young age - clearly the stress of being so hateful used him up. not before i left home mind you....i endured him from the age of 8 to the age of 15 when i finally moved in with my older sister, whom i loved dearly but who died in a car crash. And them mother wanted contact.....not on your nelly!

i do ok on my lonesome. better than ok.

i just need to tame my own head monster. (i like nananinas analogy)

hey ho. i think i mostly do ok. just this one thing to sort out.

Huge hugs to vicar didn't deliberately miss you out. Crossed posts

no probs ed i think i cross posted with you!

i hear you. post tomorrow.

sleep well. im up early for doctors....
x

vicar you ARE taming your head monster.

ed I sometimes think they should have the "one day at a time motto for depressives as well as for addicts!

dm & df mean well. they probably think they were being encouraging or something. just needed to rant because I was getting myself wound up.

ps - hope HM has continued dozing nina

Rewind is v v similar to NLP phobia cure, which aims to do a similar kind of changing of the way you code your memories :) I cured a friend of a phobia of damp tea-bags with it, I kid you not!

Quiet but productive day here, made flapjack and am working on the marital accounts (to see how much Ex sponged off me over the years )

ooh silvery that sounds like an interesting day! hope it didn't make you too !

what was it about the wet tea-bags he/she objected to?

Some really interesting posts on here that I will read properly tomorrow. I do wonder how many of us know the origins of our depression, and how it manifests itself, which is why I started the other thread. Trouble is my ageing brain cells can't remember people's back stories, so have to keep checking back. Some interesting points about therapies too. Too tired to take things in just now as it is well past midnight.

Also just checking that you are in bed Vicar or at least getting ready for sleep.........let us know how you get on tomorrow.

sorry, nina what other thread?