should i go back to gp?

[DudeInaTutu]

back in the summer i went to the gp and blubbed all over her, i was very very down, there was an awful lot going on in my life and i was really struggling to cope, DS (who has SEN) had failed his course and uni looked in the balance, i was massively struggling with my workload and qualification, i was ill, DD was just diagnosed with dyslexia, i was having counselling for childhood abuse...too much really, and the gp prescribed sertraline. She wanted to sign me off work but i said no. i knew if she did, i would never ever go back. it took a huge amount of courage to go to the gp as it was my old place of work....i felt a failure. i had left my job as doctors receptionist for a shiny new career in the police, a career not a job, and at my age that felt like a life line, and truth was i was struggling with it all.

however.
i took a couple of doses of the sertaline and it made me feel really really ill. like drunk ill, sick, whoozy, spaced out and i knew i could not function like that.

i stopped taking it. i stopped talking. i shut down, i went into autopilot and carried on. i managed to get my qualification and passed my probation. yay. i should feel proud and happy. but i didnt. ive no real idea how i managed it. i got through my entire 2 year probation with not a single issue, and i still dont know how.

so we are 6 months later and i am flagging, and yet i have no idea if i really need ADs or if its just me....

i feel constantly tired. i cant get up on a morning - if im not at work i see DD off to school and go back to bed, i can easily sleep until 11am or later, and then, if ive no reason to get up, i can lay in bed, or just stay in pjs all day. i dont wash my face or brush my hair, i dont go out. i dont see anyone, and this is the thing, - i dont want to. im happy like that. i dont suppose shift work helps much with that though.

im probably drinking too much. at least 2 glasses of wine a day. (if im not on nights)

i dont go to bed. i stay up until the small hours, but actually, because i work shifts, thats not so bad - it means i can work myself around to nights without too much hassle....my problem really comes when im on day shifts and i need to get up at 5am. on those nights i take zopiclone to knock me out. all above board and prescribed, i was finding i was not sleeping at all on those nights and was making stupid mistakes at work, when driving etc. and on blue lights thats not a good idea, so another gp gave me zopiclone to take only on my day shifts (thats fine - i just take one every 10 days,)

i am currently having some health issues, and have been signed off work, im supposed to be off until a week on monday but i am going to have to go back earlier, the longer i wait to go back, the worse things will be and i have work piling up that i need to deal with.

im awaiting an endoscopy for some problems with my stomach. im on lots of meds for reflux at present (max dose of everything now, on 4 different meds) and am hoping to get the operation to sort it....

i know i am stressed. stressed beyond stressed. my workload is unmanageable and i am on my own with it - no consistant line manager to help me with it and i am told now that i am on my own - i should be able to manage it. its a learning curve and ive got to find a way to manage my workload....

ive got to make this job work for me. and im trying really hard to find outside interests, ive started horse riding which makes me forget the stress, and it doesnt matter what i look like - i can roll out of bed and go. DH says i can get my own horse if im sure i can afford it. that gives me something to go to work for...im working toward that.

i have few friends really in RL but those i do have have all actually said they think im depressed.
i know im not happy.
but is that depression? or am i just not happy? a bit down? is that going to be fixed with medication or should i just work my way through it? ive never had medication before and i actually hated how the sertaline made me feel.

im not sure what to do.

Ed Anxiety can turn to depression if it becomes too overwhelming. That's what happens with me every few years. Key reasons for being anxious are having overly high expectations of oneself (women often are prone to this), the world or others. This is what happened with me. This is what happens with me. Things that help when I remember to or allow myself to do them:

Taking my medication at the same point of my day every day with my first cuppa - no matter what!

Writing down the positive feedback I get from others even if I don't believe it. Years of not living up to expectations makes the good opinions that others have of me very precious.

Keeping a book for to do lists and one book only - not pieces of paper. Dividing lists into MUST (Urgent and important), SHOULD (urgent or important) and COULD (head start tasks). Being strict and relegating tasks that I've ranked too highly Being pleased when I achieve my MUST tasks that really is enough. The book stays open, beside a pen, on my coffee table.

Working out what actually is my responsibility tough one this: I could take the blame for the crises in the Middle East on my bad days because I haven't done anything to fix it! Try and focus on improving what I can improve I carry the serenity prayer to try and remind me of this.

Flylady I am a new convert and my house is tidy for the first time in years AND I'm not running myself ragged doing it AND I'm not putting off going to bed to avoid getting up to a messy house the next morning.

Going to bed Another tough one. To help me sleep, I avoid caffeine (luckily it makes me feel sick anyway), smoking, sugary food after tea (rarely manage that one - had cake and custard at 8pm last night). I try to get about three litres of fluid a day (usually decaf green tea - tetley's do a nice one). Keeping the house slightly cool encourages me to go to bed when I'm tired rather than laze around. Leaving my phone outside my bedroom has done the most to help me sleep and get up. Also, setting radio 4 to stay on for half an hour at bedtime as concentrating on the voices in the dark, somehow, helps me get off to sleep.

My new aim is to get up when I wake up leaving my phone out of the bedroom helps with this as does setting my daylight lamp to come on about twenty minutes before my alarm goes off or, on weekends, about half an hour before the approximate time I would like to wake.

Anyway, an extensive list but hopefully a helpful one. Oh, and keep reaching out to people. That's really important because when you feel rubbish and you're by yourself, there's no-one to tell you you're not. And Ed you're not rubbish. You seem like a very nice person who cares about her family. You seem like you have been overwhelmed by a lot of stressors and that has affected your ability to concentrate and motivate yourself.

When you are feeling depressed, it's like your mind is retreating to the world for some R&R. Let it. Just focus on what you have to do to keep you and your family safe and well. Nothing else matters in the long run.

ps - this is where you can come to rant

Vicar that sounds brilliant - you seem a lot more positive the last few days. Do you feel that way?

helles you sound so sorted...

i feel like im just taking a the occasional peek into the world again - but i need to know i can retreat when i need it, without feeling bad about it. im trying to do more but give myself permission if i cant.

ed i agree with helles - you are doing what you need to do - you are getting the kids to school, you are making sure they are clean and fed, you are putting them first.

helles that list is so good - im not sure i could face lists etc just yet but its something i will look at working up to....

yep helles i feel like the sertraline could be kicking in finally....i obviously needed the 100mg dose.

im realising how bad i had become. i think i just burnt right out.

i know im not well yet, im trying not to count my chickens before they hatch...but after having a crummy day on Saturday i feel like every day since has been better and i am starting to feel a little more motivated. I just dont want to feel crushing disappointment if i lapse or have an off day....

Vicar I think this might be a good time to keep a mood diary as someone suggested up thread (it's not on this page to credit them) so that you can see how you're progressing.

Don't be too impressed: just because I know WHAT I should do, doesn't mean I always manage it . I'm over 20 years into anxiety and depression so I've had plenty of time to work out what does and doesn't work for me - although not to overcome the depression / anxiety / general bloodymindedness to stick with it!

My list always starts with one thing:

Make List

That way, as soon as I'm finished, I have something to tick off already!!

My list usually starts 'have breakfast' for a similar reason.

Am embarrassed to say spent most of day in bed, but as I had a full on 3 days before that, perhaps I needed it. Am not miserable about it, though.

I would say take pills in morning vicar - is that when it says you should take them?

doctor said it doesnt matter when i take them - she had initially suggested taking them in the morning but the side effects meant it was easier to take in the evening.

she said when she doubled the dose i could either take one morning and one night or both together at any time - so im just trying to work out the best time for me.

Oh vicar so glad you are beginning to feel a bit better but don't get downhearted if you do get a down day, because that's the nature of the beast - it is not a straight line to recovery - there are lots of bumps and lumps along the way, but you WILL get there in the end.

Hi to everyone else. I think my headmonster is finally starting to sleep and he needs a bloody long sleep after all the rampaging he has been doing!

that's good news nina

im so glad nina that you seem to be getting a bit of respite too.

im really treading carefully, i dont want to get complacent at all. baby steps i think.

that's the best way vicar

yep i figured...

i will have a look for mood gym but im a bit of a technophobe really.

am going to go to bed in a min....early for me!

another positive step: you're on a roll!

I snoozed after the alarm went off

Morning vicar time to et up and go for a run before you take the suit. The sun's coming up and the sky is clear: it's going to be a beautiful day

Not off to a flying start today but am on way to take suit and am going to really try to get out for that run when I get back.

Hope everyone else is ok.

Day from hell here.....after a couple of good days when the HM snoozed he woke with a bloody vengeance this morning and has been on the rampage all day. On my own today so just stayed in bed and cried on an off through the day. DP home now so feel safer. Does anyone else have long crying bouts I wonder. Hope everyone else is better than me!

sorry to see that you are struggling at the minute nana

i couldnt get up this morning - but once i did i was ok. not had time to stop and think really, nipped off see DS at uni to take his suit, his place was a state so tidied and cleaned there, then home, then i did force myself out for a run again today. Just had something to eat (whoops....first meal of the day which isnt good i suppose)

im going to reward myself with a bubble bath in a bit for the run.

one thing i really need to get under control is my alcohol consumption.

nana in the past i have had bouts of crying, usually when im at the end of my tether. This happened more for me when DS was younger and accessing support for him was a battle, and often how other people treated him made me very sad. One night i cried for the entire evening - DH kept saying "it cant just be because of xxxx" i think its a really good thing to cry - its a pressure release safety valve.....i think tears are healing. At the moment i feel quite numb and i seem to be just going day to day. I finished counselling last October, and the counsellor said she felt i was numb and not allowing myself to feel much. I dont think thats healthy really.
Do you feel better after a good cry?

his place was a state so tidied and cleaned there - ahem, vicar he may have AS, but that doesn't mean you get to go to his place at uni and tidy it!

Nevertheless it sounds like you got an awful lot done. My day quite good, though exercise still not a feature. Sorry to hear things not so good for you nana

i dont normally but he asked....it wasnt messy -but it was mucky! he had tidied up but it looked like a weeks worth of food was smeared around the kitchen....it was either clean it or get a bio hazard suit.

i actually wasnt going to do it, but DH started the kitchen so i went and did the bathroom, then hoovered and washed the floors....

i dont go through every week anymore - what i dont know i can live with! but he does appreciate a bit of help now and then. He is managing really well actually. I left him to do his washing and ironing.....

vicar you really should be focussing on yourself BUT you achieves loads today

nina I'm so disappointed for you that HM is back on the rampage so soon. when I was having my breakdown, before becoming catatonic, I used to have panic attacks (not so many now - phew!) and crying fits where I would cry for hours. I always felt very embarrassed about it til my boss (who this happened in front of once) said that maybe it's like pus coming out of a wound. it has to happen to heal. it struck a chord with me at the time so thought I'd mention it. I don't know if I've mentioned it but I just got overcoming depression by Paul Gilbert and he says that depression is quite a standard mammalian response to trauma - whether acute (something big) or chronic (months or years of small traumas) and that animals, like us, withdraw to heal. the difference is, we don't let ourselves. allow yourself to cry. allow the headmonster to rampage (do try making thought records to evaluate what it's telling you), allow your mind time to heal from the years of strain. after all, if you broke your leg, you'd stop walking round on it. lecture over!

Evening all.

Sounds like you had a positive day vicar did you go back to bed -NO bloody big tick in my book. You also acheived something tangiable you cleaned your sons flat/house/whatever. Well done on the run too. You were hopeful but pessimistic about that but you did acheive it. Huge pat on the back.

helles in general you sound more positive, upbeat and functional at the mo. Do you think being back at work after Xmas has helped by forcing you out of bed and into a routine of some description?

nana sorry you are suffering again. In general I am really sensitive and emotional but actually I have barely shed a tear over the last couple of months. I found that last time I was.on ads. The lows weren't as low and the highs weren't as high. I kind of thought about them smoothing out the crests and troughs of the wave. I'm quite thankful I am not as teary.

My day has in.general been a positive one.

It was my intention to get up and shower at 7 (i know set myself up for failure before I start). I woke at 4:45 looked at the alarm clock, convinced myself alarm would be going off in 10 mins, started to realise I was wrong and struggled to get back to sleep.

I then woke up at 5:55, convinced myself alarm would be going off soon, started to rouse myself, realised I was wrong, struggled to get back to sleep.

Woke up at 6:50. Had given up with having a clue what the time might or might not be. Switched my phone on...erm...rolled out of bed at 7:35 . No shower.

Did school run. Xp and his married ow were stood on the corner having their daily tete a tete...shocked to see me...but never mind.

Thought I was going to get caught up in a post office raid when the postmaster was dealing with an abusive customer and culminating in him hitting the panic button.

Went to town with my friend who acted as an escort...but...she left me alone for 10mins and I might have bought a new phone...oops...

Easy tea. Played games with dtds. No knitting tho.

So on the whole...good because I didn't go back to bed, despite disrupted sleep and I played with dcs. Should have had a shower tho and I have come to bed with my house looking a tip.

Tomorrow, must have shower...got first secondary parents evening. Must also tidy a bit cos.I have a babysitter coming to my house. On.the plus...should find easy to stay out of bed cos I.am expecting my new phone case to be delivered.

Onwards and upwards to one and all...

ed you did fab!!!

im ashamed to say i did go back to bed....but once i was up i dressed before going down, did my hair, put my face on.....

i am still struggling massively with getting up on a morning and going to be at night....

but i am focusing on the positives and they balance the going back to bed thing today....

im going to try and get up tomorrow a bit earlier. no run tomorrow (legs will need a rest) but i should walk the hound....depends on how i sleep when i go to bed....

Thanks everyone for your comments
HB I do allow myself to cry - I couldn't even if I wanted to because I get that tight knot in my throat. Up until fairly recently, the crying was definitely therapeutic and I almost always felt better after, but lately that has not been the case. The headmonster is in control so I can't stop him rampaging. Can you explain what you mean about making thought records to evaluate what he is telling you. I am obsessed with writing down everything that is going on for me on bad days, so do you mean that the headmonster "telling" me things, is what I am thinking about myself, as in being worthless, hopeless and no good to anyone, which is what I feel on bad days

I've read a fair bit about depression - maybe rather too much. Do you recommend this Paul Gilbert one?

Yes Ed you did do fab and so did you Vicar - as you can see I am up late and that's because the HM had a snooze about 8.00 pm and so have felt bit better - watched TV - did some knitting. DP been so kind and loving, but that makes me cry more because i feel I am not worth loving. Also dreading tomorrow so staying up late sort of puts it off, although it is Thursday. I usually meet my gr-dghtr from school on Thursdays but unlikely I will be able to, but DP will go instead. I hope against hope though that I can go.

Ah well off to bed and see what is in store for me later today.

Do any of you wish you had a physical illness instead of a mental one - I certainly do. Would like a nice heart attack in the night to put an end to this torment. Wed was another day from hell and can't bare to think of another one later................oh sorry I'm rambling and being self pitying.

nana i certainly relate to you feeling like you wish you had a phsycial illness - i have thought many a time over this last month that if i had something physical then it would be better understood.....im probably being gossiped about at work right now.

depression would be seen as weakness.
physical illness would illicit sympathy and understanding.

thats why im telling no one but my supervisors what is wrong. im up late again too - i should get to bed. i know this means i wont get up early again tomorrow.....i seem to have a couple of good days then.....this. ive set myself up for failure tomorrow by staying up tonight.

Ed talk about people sounding positive! you sound much better, your message structure was coherent (first thing to go for me when I'm struggling!). Not sure it's being back at work, i think it was getting on top of the housework. Taking a bit of control back! Love flylady

Nina thought records are a way to objectively determine the truth of what you're thinking. Got them from CBT. The best book I've found for this is Mind Over Modd (Can't remember who it's by but it has a green cover). It has all the sheets in their and takes you through using them step by step. The idea is, you write down what's bothering you and what scares you about it. Then you write down (objectively) all the evidence for this being true and for it being not true. You then come to a conclusion about whether it is true. Hard to explain really. But yes, I do think HM is telling you you're rubbish when you clearly aren't. I've found you to be intelligent and caring based on your posts.

Vicar I kept my illness secret at my last work and I think it made me worse (though, yes, a physical illness would be easier in that way!). At my current work, I am very open about it: I have asthma, arthritis (early onset) and depression. Been fine so far - it's surprising how many people know someone - or have themselves - been through an episode of it. Sometimes, that's the problem, they expect me to get better but, as a chronic, I never will. Just up and down forever...