should i go back to gp?

[DudeInaTutu]

back in the summer i went to the gp and blubbed all over her, i was very very down, there was an awful lot going on in my life and i was really struggling to cope, DS (who has SEN) had failed his course and uni looked in the balance, i was massively struggling with my workload and qualification, i was ill, DD was just diagnosed with dyslexia, i was having counselling for childhood abuse...too much really, and the gp prescribed sertraline. She wanted to sign me off work but i said no. i knew if she did, i would never ever go back. it took a huge amount of courage to go to the gp as it was my old place of work....i felt a failure. i had left my job as doctors receptionist for a shiny new career in the police, a career not a job, and at my age that felt like a life line, and truth was i was struggling with it all.

however.
i took a couple of doses of the sertaline and it made me feel really really ill. like drunk ill, sick, whoozy, spaced out and i knew i could not function like that.

i stopped taking it. i stopped talking. i shut down, i went into autopilot and carried on. i managed to get my qualification and passed my probation. yay. i should feel proud and happy. but i didnt. ive no real idea how i managed it. i got through my entire 2 year probation with not a single issue, and i still dont know how.

so we are 6 months later and i am flagging, and yet i have no idea if i really need ADs or if its just me....

i feel constantly tired. i cant get up on a morning - if im not at work i see DD off to school and go back to bed, i can easily sleep until 11am or later, and then, if ive no reason to get up, i can lay in bed, or just stay in pjs all day. i dont wash my face or brush my hair, i dont go out. i dont see anyone, and this is the thing, - i dont want to. im happy like that. i dont suppose shift work helps much with that though.

im probably drinking too much. at least 2 glasses of wine a day. (if im not on nights)

i dont go to bed. i stay up until the small hours, but actually, because i work shifts, thats not so bad - it means i can work myself around to nights without too much hassle....my problem really comes when im on day shifts and i need to get up at 5am. on those nights i take zopiclone to knock me out. all above board and prescribed, i was finding i was not sleeping at all on those nights and was making stupid mistakes at work, when driving etc. and on blue lights thats not a good idea, so another gp gave me zopiclone to take only on my day shifts (thats fine - i just take one every 10 days,)

i am currently having some health issues, and have been signed off work, im supposed to be off until a week on monday but i am going to have to go back earlier, the longer i wait to go back, the worse things will be and i have work piling up that i need to deal with.

im awaiting an endoscopy for some problems with my stomach. im on lots of meds for reflux at present (max dose of everything now, on 4 different meds) and am hoping to get the operation to sort it....

i know i am stressed. stressed beyond stressed. my workload is unmanageable and i am on my own with it - no consistant line manager to help me with it and i am told now that i am on my own - i should be able to manage it. its a learning curve and ive got to find a way to manage my workload....

ive got to make this job work for me. and im trying really hard to find outside interests, ive started horse riding which makes me forget the stress, and it doesnt matter what i look like - i can roll out of bed and go. DH says i can get my own horse if im sure i can afford it. that gives me something to go to work for...im working toward that.

i have few friends really in RL but those i do have have all actually said they think im depressed.
i know im not happy.
but is that depression? or am i just not happy? a bit down? is that going to be fixed with medication or should i just work my way through it? ive never had medication before and i actually hated how the sertaline made me feel.

im not sure what to do.

Waves back at Silvery.

Nananina - often in the public sector workers can self refer to occ health. Self referring often has advantages over waiting for your employers to do it because it does allow for more "confidentiality" that way.

I agree about anxiety and agitation being symptoms of depression that can reduce once an antidepressant is at "full" dose...
However Sertraline has been known to produce feelings of anxiety or agitation in the first couple of weeks , more so than for instance other types of antidepressant .

It's just worth Vic and others being aware of this - because if the anxiety / agitation does become intolerable , there are other drugs that are less likely to cause those unwanted side effects .

Vic have you thought about asking occ health to put you on light duties 9-5 so that you can a) give the antidepressant time to kick in and b)let your sleep pattern get restored.

I know somebody close to home in the same job as you that did this.
It allowed him/her to take time to recover under far less stress and pressure.

Try not to think too much about where you are going in terms of changing jobs until you are feeling more yourself .

Great stuff that you did some running - all that fresh air and exercise will keep your cortisol levels down and help you feel calmer .

Lastly have you tried Moodscope? It's a great app that helps you track your mood every day. It's very easy to do and helps you to recognise and pin point exactly what little things enhance your mood as well as the things that really don't help it. I would really recommend it to everybody x

nina funny you should say that about not planning to clean the shower, and it just coming over you. That happens to me :) (not the shower, but strangely it is usually some sort of bathroom cleaning)

evening ladies

helles its late again.....im no good at going to bed. (even though i can yawn for england)

ed i would just do the essentials - sod the rest unless you really feel up to it. DD is back to school tomorrow but luckily she is self sufficient - though she has asked for a lift to the bus stop - that means one of 2 things - i either go in my pj.s and go back to bed and feel crap all day

or i get up, get dressed and then walk the dog when i get home. DH says i should try option 2.

nananina - thats how all my cleaning gets done - i just get the urge - usually on an evening. im hopeless all day and then i get a surge of energy.

nannyplum thank you - im monitoring how i feel and i think im over the worst of the side effects - work rang me tonight. When i said i had just had the dose increased sgt said he expects me to stay off a bit longer - which im quite happy to do now. im trying not to make any decisions until i feel more like myself. i would worry if i did light duties 9 - 5 that i would A) be away from my group and comfort zone and B) neither use nor ornament...i was put on light duties with my foot and felt guilty the whole time which was completely counter productive! i will tell the gp this when i go on monday....i either need to be back in the game 100% or not there is what i feel - i would be happy to go back part time when i feel better....but not sure that is even an option.

anyway - good night all -

Ooo, I'll keep you company late at night. .and probably most of the day vicar :o

Well I thought I'd sorted all the laundry...when I came to bed I actually realised I the DTDs actually only did the DCs laundry...mone was piled on my bed cos I couldn't get into my wardrobe...it is now adding to the pile in front of the wardrobe.

Hopefully everything is sorted for first day at school...I think. Bags are packed. Uniforms (and shoes!) Are all laid out. I've ironed enough shirts for about 2 weeks (polishes halo).

I haven't done much else though of any significance...ooh I did a few rows of knitting. The knitting is because I need to have something I focus on for pleasure. A constructive hobby. I'm very needle crafty, airfixy person but I find that hard with the tremor. She wants me to try ans do just 5 mins a day of the cross stitch I used to love doing but I can't physically manage that at the moment. My dm bought me and the DCs some can can lace wool for christmas to knit a frilly scarf. DTDs

...hit post too soon.

DTDs will knit their own. I'm doing my own and DD3s.

Tomorrows big challenge is not to go straight back to bed after early school run. I have dentist at 10:15 anyway so hardly worth it. I should shower instead....

Oh and I nit combed. Was actually more under control than I thought. Should have been gone by now but it is under control.

Right night all...sorry I can't remember what everyone is up to. My short term memory is literally non-existent at the mo and there are only 3 posts on this page for me to refer to .

My main tasks are to ring school and ring credit card company and unblock my card.

Oh and I think this phone has screwed.up and completely confuddled the order of paragraphs on this message...so good luck trying to decipher them.

Night all. And here's to the first day back at school tomorrow...and the aim of staying out of bed.

i will be in good company then ed!

sounds like you did rather a lot today so i would defo be polishing that halo. im congratulating myself on remembering DDs bus money!

i also love cross stitch but havent done any since i was last pregnant - so thats at least 15 years ago...im not sure my eyes would go the distance these days never mind anything else.

i wish i could knit - i cant. i tried to knit a scarf the other year and it ended up with a lot of holes in it!

im throwing myself into the horsey pursuits....(costly but rewarding) im thrilled that my riding instructor has asked me to go and help out at weekends, that will give me a reason to get up and will occupy me for a few hours. I can look forward to the weekends for a while and if i fail miserably at getting up weekdays at least i know i will be doing something constructive come the weekend.

im going to try and get up tomorrow and stay up after ive taken DD to the bus stop - well - thats the plan. i may be setting myself up for a fall.

Have you sat Vicar and worked out whether financially you can go part time ?
I have reduced my hours 3 times over the years and because you end up paying less tax it always seems better than you think it will be .

If you do think that part time work is best for you ( it certainly is for my health) then work will need to consider it whether they like it or not.

Actually , thinking about it , anybody that suffers with depression is covered by the Equality Act - so your employers are duty bound to look at making "reasonable adjustments" for you.
It sounds as though you have been struggling with your mood for months - I only say that ,because if the depression has existed for over 3 months it can be classed as a disability.
You then enter the realms of being able to ask for "reasonable adjustments" to be made to your working conditions .
One of those "reasonable adjustments" could be allowing you to go part time , or it could be seconding you somewhere in a less stressful environment .
Or you might have an idea of what "reasonable adjustments" might be helpful for you - it could be something really simple like allowing you to start at 9am on an early for example.

This is where you now need to get the federation involved in advocating for you ... You have rung occ health, next on the list is to ring the federation for some support.

I'm glad sgt was supportive on the phone.

How about a graded return when you go back ?

well nanny i havent - but i would save on petrol money if i could drop a day or a night....or one of each.

working 6 days just feels relentless. the shifts really dont help - i never get into any pattern - i feel permanently tired. that said - im not sure it would help my stress levels as regards my crime list and the amount of time i would have to do enquiries , i just know that when i worked part time i did not ever feel so completely dogged down and i felt i had a better home life, DS takes up such a lot of my energy - being at home often feels like a full time job in itself. DD also needs me - and DH cant accommodate my nights shifts which makes me really really anxious for DD being alone....

Hmm wonders if disability act applies to students....

I was about to congratulate myself on turning phone off before midnight then looked at the clock...oops...night all :)

gnite ed

i must go too. dd will be up at 6.30. i would dearly love to stay up in the morning.
unless i can sleep soon its not likely.

Goodnight all.
Yes Vic have a think about what would help your wellbeing and your family shift wise .

Then when it's the appropriate time and your feeling stronger - present them with your proposal ,and tell them that they need to take it seriously because you are covered by the equality act and are therefore entitled to reasonable adjustments.

Ed yes it does apply to students :-)

Thanks nanyplum
I will do that.
I'm just debating whether to get up, I got to sleep at 1am but woke up at 4am, and I've been awake since. I took both doses of sertraline at same time yesterday evening instead of spreading them out, so wonder if that has disturbed my sleep - when I did sleep it was fitful. Won't try that today. I've got to get up to take DD to bus stop soon, i feel surprisingly awake for3 hours sleep but I think it might catch up with me later.

Hi Vic < with my work hat on >take both your Sertraline tablets in the morning it will reduce the likelihood of sleep disturbance . It's perfectly safe to do so x

I too had crappy sleep and am debating whether to get up.

Ps Vic - if you do want to get in the routine of taking it in the morning (that's when it's normally prescribed for) - don't take any today - then take your full dose tomorrow morning.

If you take doses this morning you will have a lot in your system - the Sertraline lasts for 24hours in your body - so you will be fine to go through to the morning x

Urgggghhh.

Crap nights sleep. I always do the first night the alarm is set after a break.

I'm sleepy. I wanna go back to bed :(

I'm sleepy. I wanna go back to bed :(

I'm sleepy. I wanna go back to bed :(

But I'm not going to. There would be no point. I need to leave the house at 9:45

So I'm gonna veg on the sofa...play on my phone, then when I'm waiting for new lives on my game I might get up and put my ironing board away...or pick up some rubbish or...veg.

Then I'm going back to bed after dentist.

Good luck all...

morning all. vic it's really positive that you're thinking about how to manage your return to work. if you think part time will be better for your long term mental health and your family then it's definitely worth checking into.

everyone's sounding really positive last night/this morning

I got quite tired halfway through yesterday and last night. at 7pm I was so weary but persevered and fly-lady'd before I went to bed.

ds back at school this morning but has lost his bus pass! frantic and fruitless search ensued. because house clean and today, didn't take long to not find it and still had time to do everything I needed to do

ed well done for getting up but step away from the phone! if you're like me, you'll get sucked in and not do any of the other stuff! I've started saving phone time as a reward for doing tasks.

thanks nannyplum

i have always taken it at tea time because at first it made me really sleepy - but not last night it seems.

i have taken one this morning and was going to take one at tea time but i think tomorrow i will try to take both in the morning and see if i can cope with that - the side effects sometimes hit me unless i take it with food and ive only been on the increased dose for a few days.

anyway - i decided to get up and get dressed, i could have gone back to bed but i thought then i would probably not get up until dinner and then wouldnt sleep tonight, vicious circle then isnt it..... im just having a cuppa and im going to have a tidy up and hoover, then walk the dog.

after that i may be zzzzzzzzzzzz but im just going to try and stay up and have an earlier night.

oops x posted - morning ed and helles

good luck today everyone. right. off to tidy up or i will sit here mumsnetting and before i know it it will be dinner time....

Hope everyone's having a better day than me :(

I stayed out of bed after school run :)
I did a bit of tidying and emptied dishwasher :)
I popped to Tesco to replace a bag of shopping I paid for then left in my trolley :( I shouldn't have done it all in one go cos it made me realise I had lost £25 worth of stuff. It was all non food - batteries, toiletries, lighybulbs...

This bloody illness is costing me so much. My credit rating. Things I've lost or broken. No income. Lots of shopping trips to keep me out of bed. Lots of food thrown away cos I don't get round to cooking/eating it. Lots of takeaways cos I am too lazy to cook.

I have eaten lunch. I have taken yesterdays meds and now I am going to bed where I can't damage anything and I can't spend any money....

(sorry for self.obsessed rant)

vicar that all sounds very positive

ed it is really hard to stay organised and it's one area it's worth asking for help with because the effects stick around once the depression has gone. if you can't think of anyone, the citizen's advice might be able to help. also, check for local mental health advocacy or support services.

have been tired and, therefore, a bot low yesterday and today but I'm soldiering through because I'm pretty certain I'll be fine once I'm back in a routine of getting up at 6.

ed i am avoiding shops alone - i either take DH with me or i do an online shop....could you do a tesco online shop? you can get delivery really cheaply mid week - i wouldnt survive without internet shopping i swear!

you did really well to stay up after the school run, and the tidying and dishwasher all sounds very postive, and eating lunch and taking meds....

i lose track of whether i have taken mine or not so im making a note on a chalk board when i take it.

im still up....i will be in bed early i feel. (well - early for me probably)

Thanks. Sorry for rant earlier. I'm awake now.

I'm signed of sick because my anxiety scores are.high. depression middling. I feel anxious and stressed but I don't feel depressed and sad.

But today I feel depressed and low. I'm making a real mess of this. I was thinking earlier that I shouldn't be allowed to go out on my own.

On the plus side though I'm saving money on my water bill when I don't shower and I'm saving money on petrol cos I'm not going to work daily...

Right. Dcs are home. I'm still in bed. Gonna get up,whip around my kitchen then I've promised pancakes for pudding...which means I'm commited because I've told dcs and I'm committed to cleaning my pots cos I need the frying pan and I need the space on hob.

im finding it useful to commit to stuff that pushes me into doing other stuff, i realised yesterday when i did a run.
it made me shower.
showering made me dry my hair
showering made me get dressed
getting dressed made me feel less 'lazy'

and i think that made me feel better generally.

tomorrow i have to go to take DS suit to uni (which he forgot to take) which means a long drive there and back (2 1/2 hours round trip)

but i am going to try to do a run - not sure if i will do it before i go (would be preferable but not sure i will have time)
or after i get home (more likely to fail if its pitch black and cold by then though)

but i will give myself a get out clause and if i dont get it done tomorrow i will go on thursday, that gives me friday off before putting some hard graft in on saturday at the stables.

so im going to let myself off if i dont go. it feels slightly too much tomorrow with the long drive if im honest....but ill see how i feel. im going to play that one by ear tomorrow i think. i might just go when i get home, 20 mins pounding the pavement then i could relax in a radox bath....