should i go back to gp?

[DudeInaTutu]

back in the summer i went to the gp and blubbed all over her, i was very very down, there was an awful lot going on in my life and i was really struggling to cope, DS (who has SEN) had failed his course and uni looked in the balance, i was massively struggling with my workload and qualification, i was ill, DD was just diagnosed with dyslexia, i was having counselling for childhood abuse...too much really, and the gp prescribed sertraline. She wanted to sign me off work but i said no. i knew if she did, i would never ever go back. it took a huge amount of courage to go to the gp as it was my old place of work....i felt a failure. i had left my job as doctors receptionist for a shiny new career in the police, a career not a job, and at my age that felt like a life line, and truth was i was struggling with it all.

however.
i took a couple of doses of the sertaline and it made me feel really really ill. like drunk ill, sick, whoozy, spaced out and i knew i could not function like that.

i stopped taking it. i stopped talking. i shut down, i went into autopilot and carried on. i managed to get my qualification and passed my probation. yay. i should feel proud and happy. but i didnt. ive no real idea how i managed it. i got through my entire 2 year probation with not a single issue, and i still dont know how.

so we are 6 months later and i am flagging, and yet i have no idea if i really need ADs or if its just me....

i feel constantly tired. i cant get up on a morning - if im not at work i see DD off to school and go back to bed, i can easily sleep until 11am or later, and then, if ive no reason to get up, i can lay in bed, or just stay in pjs all day. i dont wash my face or brush my hair, i dont go out. i dont see anyone, and this is the thing, - i dont want to. im happy like that. i dont suppose shift work helps much with that though.

im probably drinking too much. at least 2 glasses of wine a day. (if im not on nights)

i dont go to bed. i stay up until the small hours, but actually, because i work shifts, thats not so bad - it means i can work myself around to nights without too much hassle....my problem really comes when im on day shifts and i need to get up at 5am. on those nights i take zopiclone to knock me out. all above board and prescribed, i was finding i was not sleeping at all on those nights and was making stupid mistakes at work, when driving etc. and on blue lights thats not a good idea, so another gp gave me zopiclone to take only on my day shifts (thats fine - i just take one every 10 days,)

i am currently having some health issues, and have been signed off work, im supposed to be off until a week on monday but i am going to have to go back earlier, the longer i wait to go back, the worse things will be and i have work piling up that i need to deal with.

im awaiting an endoscopy for some problems with my stomach. im on lots of meds for reflux at present (max dose of everything now, on 4 different meds) and am hoping to get the operation to sort it....

i know i am stressed. stressed beyond stressed. my workload is unmanageable and i am on my own with it - no consistant line manager to help me with it and i am told now that i am on my own - i should be able to manage it. its a learning curve and ive got to find a way to manage my workload....

ive got to make this job work for me. and im trying really hard to find outside interests, ive started horse riding which makes me forget the stress, and it doesnt matter what i look like - i can roll out of bed and go. DH says i can get my own horse if im sure i can afford it. that gives me something to go to work for...im working toward that.

i have few friends really in RL but those i do have have all actually said they think im depressed.
i know im not happy.
but is that depression? or am i just not happy? a bit down? is that going to be fixed with medication or should i just work my way through it? ive never had medication before and i actually hated how the sertaline made me feel.

im not sure what to do.

I take 20mg citalopram for the same reason silvery. I need to be more pro-active about asking for a higher dose when I need one though.

Would the dr just let you decide to double up when you need to, belles?

I don't think I've ever asked. By the time I can face talking about it to the receptionist so I can get an appointment without a three week wait, I'm better because I need to get better to muster up the energy to make an appointment. In short, by the time I have an appointment, I no longer need it!

I know what you mean... Maybe at next review or if you have something physical you need to see GP about, or even a phone call while you are well - my GP will do these at end of morning surgery.

Hi guys just to let you know I am still here.

Struggling to catch up with the last couple of days posts and too exhausted to do it now (I've been up since 8:30 :), it took me 30mins to get out after alarm though :( but half an hour is better than several hours :). Been to meadowhall for first time today :) but downer on the day when my credit card got rejected at first shop...probably cos I haven't paid last months bill...because I forgot my pin and locked my account out before Christmas...all because of this stupid illness :( )

Right now I am vegging on the sofa with a strong drink and it won't be long before I go to bed.

I will catch up with gossip, appologies that I haven't addressed anyone personally but I am absolutely shattered and haven't read last couple of days posts.

hi ed good to see you - i go to meadowhall a couple of times a year when DD drags me there....i live a 45 min drive away from there. I do however work very nearby (when im there.....)

its good that you got up - i was dreadful today but have asked DH to get me up at 9am tomorrow (as opposed to almost 2pm which is what it was today )

Oo...apparently I live just over an hours drive away...

silvery that's a good idea. I will definitely ask next time I go for my meds reviewed.

ed half an hour is fantastic - much better, as you say, than several hours.

vicar brill that you've asked for help to get up earlier. that's hard to do when you're depressed. something to do with having inappropriately high expectations of oneself I imagine.

BTW I'm awake because I just got in, I'm sure I'll sleep fine. I just want a couple of big drinks to flush the alcohol hrough before bed. I know, if I don't that I'll struggle with low moods and no energy over the next few days why, would they make something so particularly bad for depresaives that is simultaneously so appealing to people with the condition?!

well i am off to bed now, i am riding tomorrow so must get up. dh has his orders to drag me out of bed at 9.

i have also fired up the ipod and intend to get out for a run on monday. im going to not think about it and just do it.

know what you mean about the booze.....i need to stop altogether but fail miserably.

night vicar enjoy your ride

well, i slept terribly (not surprisingly considering i laid in bed for most of the day yesterday) but i awoke at 7.30, dozed until alarm went off at 9.00, but i did drag myself up.

went riding and ive been asked to go and help out at the stables on saturdays which is brilliant - well until i start shifts again it is anyway....

also walked the dog.
ive charged my ipod and im going attempt a run tomorrow. im going to call Occy health back tomorrow too. (thought they would be chasing me by now but they havent)

that all sounds positive, vicar. When you're too tired to get up, the black dog/head monster does like to tell you that you'll suffer for it later. Making it even harder to get up because you're stressing.

The school holidays are over so it's back to work for me tomorrow &

Another crap day here -the headmonster is on the rampage. For once I decided not to stay in bed and went to Aldi for cat food and was more or less ok so decided to carry on to do Sainsbury shop - which was a big mistake. I felt panicky most of the time I was in there and had to hold the tears back. Thnk god I didn't meet anyone I knew. Then at the checkout I lost my car keys and that did it - the anxiety was coming out at full speed - the poor check out woman looked a bit startled, then some man found them on the floor - phew.......

Got home - took diaz and lay on bed with blanket (my safe place) and had a long cry (DP not in - gone on walk with Ramblers) and someone knocked the door. I looked out the window and couldn't see a car so thought it was my friend Angela who lives about 10 min walk away, so went downstairs, but then saw it was my neighbour. I opened the door cus I thought she had heard me crying and was coming to see if I was ok. She was just returning a book, but she was very sweet and said she knew I had bouts of bad depression from time to time. She said I had been really kind to her last summer when she had been very stressed because of work, and felt she was on the edge of depression. She said "you must have known I was crying in my bedroom a lot of the time" but I didn't know although I had noticed the curtains drawn. She stayed about 20 mins and I calmed down.

Then had long phone call with my dear friend Lucy who lives in Bristol and I'm in the West Midlands so we don't see each other that much but talk a lot on the phone. She is an art therapist and works with people who are mentally ill so she is very understanding.

HB does alcohol leave you low for a few days after. I am alcohol intolerant so don't drink at all, but haven't heard this before. Hope all goes well for yu at school, and why not train as a teacher. Do you have a first degree because if so yu can do a PGCE (1 year) and get qualified that way, or you can ask the school to refer you for the GTP (graduate teacher's programme) that you could do in the school where you are. This is really good becasue you get paid. Otherwise I think it's a 3 year degree course, but you can do the OU and get your degree that way. Takes a long time of course but worth it in the end.

Vicar you sound like you are "coming up for air" which is really good to hear.

Nina I know you felt panicky but that sounds quite positive:

you got up earlier than normal
you left the house
you were fine in also
though you were panicky in the supermarket, you coped and managed to complete your shopping
you've established links with your neighbour (and you know your neighbour can't hear you crying because she didn't hear you)
you reached out to a friend for help instead of internalising

re alcohol - it often does leave me low, yes. making sure I'm well hydrated before I have a drink and rehydrating before bed reduces the effects. even so I have to avoid most alcohol. small amounts of spirit (4 or fewer) are ok with the precautions. it's fine though. I didn't even notice until I'd given up drinking entirely after my breakdown and then felt so depressed when I next had a couple of glasses of wine a few months later. trial and error got me where I am now. I probably felt so bad between Christmas and new year because I had 2 drinks christmas eve and 4 Christmas day and 3 boxing day.

Oh, sorry nina, I forgot to answer your questions.

I left uni with an ordinary degree. I'm found my honours year at the moment trough the OU. once that's done (june 2014) I will, if I've secured a placement, do teacher training - preferably through gtp.

thank you for all information, that was very thoughtful of you

evening ladies.

nananina - sorry your HM is still rampant....sounds like your neighbour had a sixth sense though - she obviously turned up at the right time.

i am having the odd good day - when i can get going i seem ok and being at the stables really boosts me. i look dreadful at the minute though.

im really going to attempt to call occy health tomorrow. i dont want to but i feel like i owe it to myself before i throw in the towel.

helles your posts are really giving me hope at the minute - you are sounding so positive. im feeling pretty aimless at the minute and hoping i wont always be this way.

still taking the increased dose of sertraline....not feeling too bad side effects wise but i still seem to have more bad days than good days.

Hi Vic. I couldn't read your post without answering. I haven't read the entire thread so please forgive me.

You have said your sleep is disturbed, that you feel flat - have you found yourself being teary ?

What is your appetite and concentration like ?

If these symptoms have been on going for more than 2 weeks it is very possible that you are depressed - I'm hoping that your GP has done a depression rating scale with you.

If he or she hasn't , ask them to do one.

The first 2 weeks with the Sertraline will be the worst and don't expect to feel any improvement for at least 6-8 weeks.

However - Sertraline doesn't suit everybody - and it can make some people feel agitated. If this becomes unbearable go back to your GP.

There are plenty of other options antidepressant wise. ( PM me if you would like to talk through the options).

I understand from previous posts just what a difficult time you have - and I think that taking antidepressants is a wise move for you.

Although it won't remove the stressors for you - an effective antidepressant will certainly help to bolster your coping resources, and it will also help to restore your sleep pattern which does wonders in itself.

Go to see Occ Health - let them arrange some counselling for you - it's really important that you off load.

Don't rush back to work - take some time out for YOU.
To get YOU better.

Getting better won't be a quick thing Vic - take one day at a time and in each day do something that benefits your wellbeing .
Keep talking to people, keep getting fresh air , eat well and keep some routine to your day whilst youre off work.
If you can try to get up at the same time , shower at the same time , stay in a routine for your meals.
Staying in a routine and keeping a structure to the day is very helpful for anybody suffering with depression.

You are a caring person and you spend a lot of time doing for others - you deserve to take some to find ways that will help you feel more at peace .
Don't give up hope and keep fighting for yourself .

Vicar it's brill that the side-effects are reducing - it makes life so much easier to cope with. Soon, you'll have more good days than bad days - after all, it wasn't that long ago (I'm sure) that it felt like you never had good days!

I noticed, though, that it was quite late when you posted (very late to me!!) Had you tried to sleep but couldn't or were you (and this is a bad habit of mine) putting off tomorrow (aka today)? When I'm very stressed, I tend to stay up later without going to bed because I don't feel I can cope with another bloody day!

I'm up now for work. Just finished a healthy breakfast or porridge and wholemeal toast. Slow cooker is on for tonight's tea - just need to wake up ds now as his school is on teacher training today

Have a good day all and, if you're reading this in/on bed: try and get up just for a cuppa. It's that first step out of bed that's the hardest but I know you can do because you've done it a million times before .

Morning all, I have to post for some motivation.

Have had a reasonable couple of days. Anxiety levels a bit high which I can tell from my trembling. Probably due to me messing up my finances and forgetting meds. I have restricted my time in bed tho. Yesterday I didn't get up to until lunchtime but it felt as if I could if I wanted to, I was just hooked into the book I was reading.

This morning my aim was to be out of bed by 9 (dcs back to school tomorrow and they need to get back to morning routine and I could expect them to be up if I'm not). I was awake at 8, got out of bed at 9:13 so could have been better, but not bad...

Cleared my draining board (of christmas day tins ).
Now have to wash up from middle of last week.
Have piles and piles of washing to put away (been on my bedroom floor from Xmas eve). Gonna try and get dcs to help with this....
Got to iron school shirts.
Got to bath dd3 and nitty gritty. She's had headlice since she finished school and I don't have enough motivation to comb regularly enough to clear properly :( she's not crawling with them but I'm not on top of it enough to rid completely.
Got to motivate dtds to have showers.
Got to motivate dtds to pack new school bags.

And I have to do all that before 4:30 when I have a brownie planning meeting...where I am supposed to have come up with planning ideas...

Oh Shit this was supposed to motivate me but that long list has had the opposite effect :(

On a plus though my therapist wants me to restart cross stitch. I don't feel I can at the moment because the trembling frustrates me, but I did some knitting last night...

Waves to all. Helles
good luck with teacher training. I would recommend gtp if you are already a htla. I am half way through PGCE. I guess I need to decide whether to start a new placement in Feb. I don't feel as though I will be ready.

Sounds like good progress vicar. I have to say that when I was on low dose Prozac I thought I was suffering side effects. I complained to gp who felt they were more likely to be symptoms of anxiety and depression...the higher dose has kicked them all away except for trembling.

nana don't look at the negatives from yesterday. Look at the positives you acheived. You did your shopping...it was hard but you did it. Neighbours can be great. Mine is aware I'm suffering. She only moved in recently, and was amazed out how strong a person I was (she has just seperated and become a single parent so is a year behind me...and I've had loads of other stresses)...now look at me. But even tho I don't know her well she is really supportive and great at checking up on me. She's just invited me to aqua-aerobics tomorrow but I can't go cos clashes with dentist.

vicar I'm also surprised my tutor isn't on my back. He tried ringing several times one day in Nov and I haven't heard from him since.

Anyway...I must go...I have children that want to start knitting a scarf...here comes the bribary to have a bath :o

Wishing you all a good day :)

Knitting is great

afternoon all.

im just popping on to say bumpy start but i did actually manage to get out for a 25 min run today.

and i phoned occy health.

and ive posted my overtime form (4 months too late but better late than never)

so now off for a shower as im a sweaty lump.

That might have been a bumpy start but you've actually done loads :)

I've put all the washing away. Dtds have packed school bags. I'm about to get dressed. A friend is on her way to see me...

Hello all. Wonky start and couldn't force myself out of bed till 12, but then cleaned the shower - I had no idea I was going to do it - just came over me! Thank you HB for your positive post yesterday about all that I had done. Trouble is it is so easy to focus on the negatives (like I panicked in Sainsburys) rather than "at least I did the weekly shop" Oh and YES I do what you do too, and stay up late because I can't face the next day (although it IS of course the next day...) You are right too that it's that first step out of bed which is the hardest. I've always hated getting up but this is something different altogether.

Vicar glad the side effects are wearing off but now you just need to feel the benefits - what is the ratio of good days to bad days in a week? I keep a journal and am obsessed with it. I talk to it see and can say anything and I score each day. It helps enormously becase I when I am feeling pretty crap (like now) I always think "it's never been this bad before" but then I look back and I see it has, and this helps me. Over 2012 I averaged approx 80% good days and 20% bad or partially bad and that helps me too, to see that there are so many more good days than bad. Not easy to believe when you feel so crap though.

Incidentally why do you have to phone Occy Health - isn't this something your employer sets up for you. Have no experience of this, but it has certainly been weighing heavily on your mind, though I see you have done it now.

OMG ed I feel like a lie down just reading your post!! Are you a single parent and yes I remember now you are doing a PGCE too. I've probably said my son and dil both did PGCEs for primary school and found it unbelievably hard as it isn't even an academic year is it. MY son got very stressed on his 2nd placement and was on the verge of dep/anx but managed to pull himself through it. He got a job but it was a baptism of fire for him and he ended up going off sick with depression/anxiety after the first term. It's a long story so won't bore you unless yu want the details - he has now been teaching for about 8 years but I never thought he'd get there.

You have an awful lot on yur plate Ed and the therapist wants you to do cross-stitch!!!!!!! I had a fad of cross stitching (before I was depressed) and did it for months, but then it went by the wayside. My cousin (who has also had depression) said that a friend advised her to do it and she hated it and can't bear to look at the fabric and threads now! I have also started knitting as I used to do a lot but thought I'd give it another go, and found it quite calming. Will probably never get finished though. JUst noticed your last post and you sound good.....

SPC Hi - I have several pieces of knitting lying about from the past. I have knitted cardigans for grandchildrn but by the time I've finished they are way to small, so my older gr;dgtr used to have them for her dolls! She's 12 now certainly won't want them......that new wool that knits in different colours is really nice.

Well 2.20 now so have to try to motivate myself to wash the floors.....

ed urgent is uniforms and lunches for this week and sorting out the nits. everything else can wait. just focus on getting those done and then do whatever else you feel up to.