should i go back to gp?

[DudeInaTutu]

back in the summer i went to the gp and blubbed all over her, i was very very down, there was an awful lot going on in my life and i was really struggling to cope, DS (who has SEN) had failed his course and uni looked in the balance, i was massively struggling with my workload and qualification, i was ill, DD was just diagnosed with dyslexia, i was having counselling for childhood abuse...too much really, and the gp prescribed sertraline. She wanted to sign me off work but i said no. i knew if she did, i would never ever go back. it took a huge amount of courage to go to the gp as it was my old place of work....i felt a failure. i had left my job as doctors receptionist for a shiny new career in the police, a career not a job, and at my age that felt like a life line, and truth was i was struggling with it all.

however.
i took a couple of doses of the sertaline and it made me feel really really ill. like drunk ill, sick, whoozy, spaced out and i knew i could not function like that.

i stopped taking it. i stopped talking. i shut down, i went into autopilot and carried on. i managed to get my qualification and passed my probation. yay. i should feel proud and happy. but i didnt. ive no real idea how i managed it. i got through my entire 2 year probation with not a single issue, and i still dont know how.

so we are 6 months later and i am flagging, and yet i have no idea if i really need ADs or if its just me....

i feel constantly tired. i cant get up on a morning - if im not at work i see DD off to school and go back to bed, i can easily sleep until 11am or later, and then, if ive no reason to get up, i can lay in bed, or just stay in pjs all day. i dont wash my face or brush my hair, i dont go out. i dont see anyone, and this is the thing, - i dont want to. im happy like that. i dont suppose shift work helps much with that though.

im probably drinking too much. at least 2 glasses of wine a day. (if im not on nights)

i dont go to bed. i stay up until the small hours, but actually, because i work shifts, thats not so bad - it means i can work myself around to nights without too much hassle....my problem really comes when im on day shifts and i need to get up at 5am. on those nights i take zopiclone to knock me out. all above board and prescribed, i was finding i was not sleeping at all on those nights and was making stupid mistakes at work, when driving etc. and on blue lights thats not a good idea, so another gp gave me zopiclone to take only on my day shifts (thats fine - i just take one every 10 days,)

i am currently having some health issues, and have been signed off work, im supposed to be off until a week on monday but i am going to have to go back earlier, the longer i wait to go back, the worse things will be and i have work piling up that i need to deal with.

im awaiting an endoscopy for some problems with my stomach. im on lots of meds for reflux at present (max dose of everything now, on 4 different meds) and am hoping to get the operation to sort it....

i know i am stressed. stressed beyond stressed. my workload is unmanageable and i am on my own with it - no consistant line manager to help me with it and i am told now that i am on my own - i should be able to manage it. its a learning curve and ive got to find a way to manage my workload....

ive got to make this job work for me. and im trying really hard to find outside interests, ive started horse riding which makes me forget the stress, and it doesnt matter what i look like - i can roll out of bed and go. DH says i can get my own horse if im sure i can afford it. that gives me something to go to work for...im working toward that.

i have few friends really in RL but those i do have have all actually said they think im depressed.
i know im not happy.
but is that depression? or am i just not happy? a bit down? is that going to be fixed with medication or should i just work my way through it? ive never had medication before and i actually hated how the sertaline made me feel.

im not sure what to do.

nana I for one have been wondering where you were. Did you get my PM about service user involvement? My post previous to yours says much the same thing as yours did - having suicidal ideation is Not Repeat Not necessarily being in a suicidal state.

[hug]

Sorry if the thread appears to be cliquey. I don't think it is supposed to be this way. I can see that it is a few of us that are dominating but that wasn't intended to be at the exclusion of others.

I guess I personally have latched onto it a bit because the op resonates souvh with me in terms of symptoms (which would be in common with many many others with mental health worries). But also I feel there are similarities in cause/background...maybe I'm overthinking it.

I agreed with the concerns regarding seeing a Dr regarding suicidal thoughts, particularly if they are new thoughts. I know that some ads are associated with increased suicide rates and attempts in some age groups. As a result I believe that many ads have the warning to consult Dr if you start to think about suicide or self harm. Obviously it can be an ongoing symptom but this sounded new - does that make sense?

Anyway appologies if anyone is feeling excluded. Don't think it was intended that way. Don't think this thread was even intended for ongoing support it has just turned out that way and I for one am thankful.

I'm sorry if, in anyway, I've contributed to your feeling that way nana. I'm glad you felt able to mention it. I just come on everyday because I don't really have anyone to talk to about how I'm feeling. I know people often drift away from threads so, though I noticed you hadn't posted for a few days, I didn't think anything of it.

The advice sheet on my AD's says to see doc if having suicidal or death fixation. My GP and CPN said the same. It was on this I based my advice. I don't know what they would then do about it but they must say it for a reason.

I would certainly report the thoughts at next GP review, and whether they have since gone away or whatever. It is valuable feedback if you would be better on another AD, or even seeing a psychiatrist if you both felt that might be needed.

decaf just noticed what you said earlier about switching to decaf. I did that about 6 months ago because I was starting to feel sick whenever I had a cuppa and it has reduced mood fluctuations durig the day.

Eating sugary foods in only small amounts helps too. So if I have half a dozen chocolates, I aim to spread them out over a few hours. Doesn't work out that way as a rule but sometimes it does.

nananina

im so sorry if you felt excluded. I just thought that this thread had become a source of support for anyone and people would check in and check out as they felt the need - certainly im very sad that you feel that way as i have found your posts really really helpful and im very grateful that you have been here.

There is another thread in a similar vein on MH but with a different "crowd" on but again i think its just an open invitation for anyone who feels the need. I have been posting on both threads, but i suppose this one, because it was 'mine' has been a bit more self indulgent. I also tend to "barge in" and post on anything without ever really having an invitation...so it never occurred to me that anyone may feel excluded, i just thought we were, or have been in the past, in the same boat so found it comforting to get perspective and advice from those who had suffered or were suffering the effects of depression at some point - all this is very new to me and ive never ever before realised what i was suffering with - talking to others was really helpful, and that means you nana

Ive not encountered anyone from this thread on any other thread, so didnt even realise it had come to feel cliquey. i have drawn a great deal of comfort from talking to you all and i thank you all very much for that. im genuinely very sad that this thread has upset anyone. It was never, ever my intention.

oh dear, this is really bothering me and i dont know how to put it right.

I've just come back on because I was getting more and more worked up about this.

To think that anyone - especially someone who has been as integral to this thread as nananina is feeling on this way is really upsetting me.

I don't want to stop giving and getting support through this thread but, at the same time, how many other people are looking at it and thinking "oh, it's just the same few people, I won't bother". At the same time, i don't think any post has been ignored so, if people posted, it wouldn't just be the same few people.

I know how you feel vicar

I know I've become one of the main posters and just as guilty as anyone else :(

I didnt realise we.were excluding others. I was aware that it had become just a few of us posting regularly but I didnt think it was to the exclusion of others. I guess there is a big thing in that it is down to both those not posting to come forward and join in...and that can be hard if you are feeling down, if you are feeling that being sociable is is a challenge (which is partly why I haven't joined the generic ad's thread).

It is equally important for us to make others feel welcome...which is difficult to do if they are watching from the sidelines and we don't specifically know we are there.

I think I'm saying that it isn't your sole responsibility...it is joint with the others of us on the thread and those wanting to be included. You can only control one of those 3, but we can all, and should all facilitate all 3.

It didn't look that way to me.

ie it did not seem exclusive...

i know, but its made me feel like i should stop posting.
and im feeling stupid for feeling like that but its actually really upset me, im not sure that anyone has done anything wrong tbh, but its made me feell like i have, my eyes are stinging with tears (pathetic) and i just feel that i should now shut up.
am i guilty of dominating the thread?
probably.
but,i am the OP, and im glad others talked to me, it really helped me. i valued every single person who took the time to talk to me. every single one.

so thank you again but i think i should bow out because im finding it counterproductive now its making me feel worse for knowing im upsetting people.

I have PMed you STPC and sorry for delay. Yes ER the thread does seem cliquey and you say you are thankful that it has turned out this way for ongoing support and I can understand that, but it doesn't stop me feeling excluded.

HB I come on the threads becasue I have no one to talk to either who understands the torments of depression, and give crap advice, like having a hot bath, buying new clothes etc., and I imagne that's why most of us post on here. I think the advice sheet on meds has to cover all eventualities by law so that they are covered should someone commit suicide. I think maybe the GP and CPN say it for the same reason, though when I have told both of them (and they are both excellent) MY GP put her head on one side and made a concerned face and said "Oh no X that's not the road to take" and my CPN said something similar. Again I think they have to tell you this to cover themselves.

I often hear MNs giving advice to others to go to A & E and see the "duty psychiatrist" and I don't know if this is different in different hospital trusts but I was referred to A & E by an out of hours GP when severely depressed and very suicidal. My DP and best friend were with me and the receptionist looked at me with contempt and said in a weary voice to my friend "how long has she been like this?" and then I was triaged by an A&E dr to see if I was in need of the crisis team. My anxiety was sky high and he then sent me to wait for the "crisis team" We waited for 3 hours from 8.00 to 11.00 until the crisis tean arrived who were a CPN and a Dr By this time my anxiety had subsided a fair bit and they asked me if I had made a plan fir suicide and I said yes, and asked me what it was and I told them it was drowning and I knew the place i was going to. They went off for a talk and came back and sent me home with 2 diazepam and my friend had to go back to the hospital to get 4 more because it was Easter weekend! When the G surgery opened on Tuesday a GP came out to me and gave me more diazepam (he was very kind and said a CPN would come out to assess me later that day) but he called back to say that wasn't happening, and the conslt pyschiatrist would come out the the nexy day and he did and I was admitted, with a diagnosis of severe depression.

Sorry I don't suppose al this is of any interest to anyone.

I think if medics could do something about suicidal thoughts they would. I think if there is a real concern then the patient may be offered inpatient care but that's no good. I remember one day when sitting outside in the small garden on a sunny day (different time to the one I mentioned in my PM to you STPC) and all the nurses were talking about BBQs and things and I felt that I was not of the human race (it's called depersonalisation) and can lead to a pyschotic episode though it didn't in my case than god. A staff nurse came up and asked the usual question "YOu OK X?" "NO" I answered and he then said "what's your forward plan" and I said do you really want to know" and he said "yes" and I said "to get rid of myself" and he just walked off without further comment.

I told my CPN about this and she said he should have recorded this and then I would have be "specialed" which means a member of staff following you everywhere and sitting in your doorway all night, just to make sure. I had seen this done with quite a few patients and it seemed so humiliating, but I suppose if there was a real risk it would be necessary especially if you were a voluntary patient, but one day when a nursing asst had really upset me I asked to go off the ward and they wouldn't let me and said "it wasn't advisable because I was upset" and they needed a Dr to give permission, but I did calm down and went out with my DP when he arrived at visiting time.

Anyway sorry if I am being byper sensitive and and I wish you all well.

I don't know what else to say.

But I didn't mean I was glad it was a clique. I meant that I was glad it was available as a support thread (ironically because I assumed the ad thread would be cliquey).

Anyway sorry to all.

And thanks to all for the support and listen to me sound off.

Good luck all.

Now it's my turn to feel bad.........my comments say far more about me than anyone else on the thread. I am just feeling very very crap today and I know that I could have joined in if I'd wanted............VICAR please please don't stop posting (hot tears are stinging my eyes too) no-one has done anything wrong and you haven't dominated the thread. I am hyper sensitive about any remote feeling of being "left out" because of something that happened in my childhood and because of how bad I felt today I let it all out without giving a thought to how it may affect others. So very sorry. Please carry on and if you will stay on the thread Vicar I will post again - promise.

Please forgive me, all of you.

Hugs nana

You sound so down. You sound as tho you have been in far worse places than many of us, certainly me. You would be a great source of comfort and guidance, and looking back you have been.

I'm sorry that the thread became cliquey. It seemed to do so over Christmas when there were only 3 or 4 of us around. Others were away or busy and I guess have found it hard to reintegrate.

It seems to have been around the time I joined the thread so I am wholeheartedly sorry for my part in.any bad feeling by anyone. I too just thought I was sounding off about my own stresses and strains and congratulating all whole posted positive acheivements and offered suggestions to those that were struggling. I guess the latter is my weakness, I don't always know what to say or suggest. This is a whole new experience for me.

But I feel upset that I've contributed to peoples upset.

I feel like I'm going round in circles with all of you appologising and justifying.

I am genuinely sorry, but it is probably now time to bow out. Once again thanks for all the support and encouragment. I've valued every word of it.

Maybe i'll find the courage to fi.d the ad thread.

As someone who has lurked out of concern and esteem for Vicar (she won't know me, I NC a fair bit), I never thought the thread was cliquey. And having been horribly depressed myself in the past, I know that it can sometimes cause you to feel paranoid/anxious and see exclusion and dismissal when really what you're looking at is other people doing their own thing. Not a criticism of anyone, just my 2p.

And just so that I haven't come here only to highlight current awkwardness, I would like to recommend a book to Vicar and everyone else, particular the "survivor" sort of depressive who have gone through bad things and only become depressed when they are out the other side:

Depressive Illness: The curse of the strong

Holla :)

Hi fellow sufferers
I want to say to all on this thread what a helpful supportive place it is . No sign of clique at all in my eyes . I am sure lots of us reading and drawing strength from it feel the same .
NanaNina .......you sound so very low . Why not start your own thread if you feel up to it ? Then we can spread the support and that is good . you were very kind on my thread a few weeks ago .
I hate to read that you lovely people are so upset .........keep posting folks please . I dont post much but empathise so much and would if I have something useful to say.

i wonder can we all just forget this blip and all stick around, and continue to draw support from one another as we have been....?

im so sorry nana that you are having a bad day.

I would really love us all to carry on as we were if everyone thinks thats possible?

holla thank you for the recommendation - ive put it in my basket having read the reviews.

this is all so alien to me and so very confusing.

and i never did phone occupational health back either.
nor did i get the car booked in for its MOT.

i pray for the day i feel like these things dont feel huge anymore - you know its still only just dawning on me that this is depression. i have been taking the meds with the sneaking suspicion that my doctor had got it wrong.
only speaking to her again on monday - when she again said the early morning waking, the fatigue, are all symptoms. There is a small part of me that still cant quite believe it, so that book will be read.

right. i m going to watch this attenborough thing on the beeb and try to switch my head off for a bit.

please all stay though. i will if you will.
x

So please do stay everyone, and especially vicar, tis your thread tho' we all pitch in, nina sounds like she is/was having one of those truly awful days, and we all understand that...

Holla thank you. I think we all needed to get another perspective.

nana shit days come out in shit ways. We need you here with your experience - your post about what happens when you present with suicide plans shows that. Your posts show you've had a horrendous time lately so please still post. I've been helped so much by the people (all the people) using this thread over the past few weeks since I joined MN and, selfishly, don't want it to break down. I had assumed everyone on here was finding it equally supportive.

The AD threads scare me a bit. I don't have a problem with my AD's - just with acting like a normal human being!

ed, vicar, I know you're both upset but please don't disappear. I've been reminded that depression causes us to take everything personally so let's put all this down to the depression and move on. We all need to get back to supporting each other.

Gosh! That all sounded a bit bossy but I'm on my phone and can only read one line of text at a time so proofing it is a massive hassle - if I've said anything out of line, I'm sorry.

Programme re CBT now on radio 4.

silvery how grounded are you? whatever you say is full of sense. Looking back at my posts I realise I've been very self-indulgent.

x-post w vicar :)

I don't understand silvery was I meant to?

oops, no with belles, sorry.

To answer your question belles, although I was depressed as a child, over the past couple of decades I was mainly depressed because of my marriage. Got divorced this year, and although still on small dose of ADs, am fine, except for a great difficulty getting started which come and goes and comes and goes, and I've especially found the bits we've shared about this to be useful.

I remember how it was to be depressed quite vividly but am no longer being followed round by a black cloud, and just have 'normal' ups and downs now.