should i go back to gp?

[DudeInaTutu]

back in the summer i went to the gp and blubbed all over her, i was very very down, there was an awful lot going on in my life and i was really struggling to cope, DS (who has SEN) had failed his course and uni looked in the balance, i was massively struggling with my workload and qualification, i was ill, DD was just diagnosed with dyslexia, i was having counselling for childhood abuse...too much really, and the gp prescribed sertraline. She wanted to sign me off work but i said no. i knew if she did, i would never ever go back. it took a huge amount of courage to go to the gp as it was my old place of work....i felt a failure. i had left my job as doctors receptionist for a shiny new career in the police, a career not a job, and at my age that felt like a life line, and truth was i was struggling with it all.

however.
i took a couple of doses of the sertaline and it made me feel really really ill. like drunk ill, sick, whoozy, spaced out and i knew i could not function like that.

i stopped taking it. i stopped talking. i shut down, i went into autopilot and carried on. i managed to get my qualification and passed my probation. yay. i should feel proud and happy. but i didnt. ive no real idea how i managed it. i got through my entire 2 year probation with not a single issue, and i still dont know how.

so we are 6 months later and i am flagging, and yet i have no idea if i really need ADs or if its just me....

i feel constantly tired. i cant get up on a morning - if im not at work i see DD off to school and go back to bed, i can easily sleep until 11am or later, and then, if ive no reason to get up, i can lay in bed, or just stay in pjs all day. i dont wash my face or brush my hair, i dont go out. i dont see anyone, and this is the thing, - i dont want to. im happy like that. i dont suppose shift work helps much with that though.

im probably drinking too much. at least 2 glasses of wine a day. (if im not on nights)

i dont go to bed. i stay up until the small hours, but actually, because i work shifts, thats not so bad - it means i can work myself around to nights without too much hassle....my problem really comes when im on day shifts and i need to get up at 5am. on those nights i take zopiclone to knock me out. all above board and prescribed, i was finding i was not sleeping at all on those nights and was making stupid mistakes at work, when driving etc. and on blue lights thats not a good idea, so another gp gave me zopiclone to take only on my day shifts (thats fine - i just take one every 10 days,)

i am currently having some health issues, and have been signed off work, im supposed to be off until a week on monday but i am going to have to go back earlier, the longer i wait to go back, the worse things will be and i have work piling up that i need to deal with.

im awaiting an endoscopy for some problems with my stomach. im on lots of meds for reflux at present (max dose of everything now, on 4 different meds) and am hoping to get the operation to sort it....

i know i am stressed. stressed beyond stressed. my workload is unmanageable and i am on my own with it - no consistant line manager to help me with it and i am told now that i am on my own - i should be able to manage it. its a learning curve and ive got to find a way to manage my workload....

ive got to make this job work for me. and im trying really hard to find outside interests, ive started horse riding which makes me forget the stress, and it doesnt matter what i look like - i can roll out of bed and go. DH says i can get my own horse if im sure i can afford it. that gives me something to go to work for...im working toward that.

i have few friends really in RL but those i do have have all actually said they think im depressed.
i know im not happy.
but is that depression? or am i just not happy? a bit down? is that going to be fixed with medication or should i just work my way through it? ive never had medication before and i actually hated how the sertaline made me feel.

im not sure what to do.

Can I summarise the last hour?

Lots of us feel Shit cos lots of us may have upset others.

Depression and anxiety take things out of perspective and probably hasn't helped here on lots of fronts.

Everyone wants everyone stay I think.

Everyone has found this thread and all contributors helpful at some time.

We all need to kiss and make up and have a group hug.

I'm crap with words...and living in a state of confusion at the best of times so appologies to anyone I've offended or upset with this post.

I dunno about the ad's thread....what I really need is a 'i can't get out of bed thread'....

GROUP HUG

Edwina have you tried putting an alarm clock far from the bed so that you are forced to get up to stop it? or would you then just stagger back to the bed and snuggle back in?

Re lists/getting things done, I found it helpful to make lists and set goals, but in order not to "fail" or get overwhelmed and go back to bed I would break tasks down into tiny chunks. E.g. instead of "do laundry" I would have "sort dirty clothes" then "put 1 load in machine" then "add detergent, program and turn on", then "unload and hang up" then "fold" then "put away". Obviously things take longer that way, but it's better than not getting the washing done at all and it also makes you feel like you've done 6 things instead of 1

Masterful summary ed

GROUP HUG multiplied

silvery I'm chronic too. Almost 18 years since first depressive episode/ serious suicide plans. Worst episode about 4 years ago. Changed jobs, returned to parents for two years. Finally accepted medication and CBT. Frustrates me though that, once I got help, it didn't just disappear. I worry that refusing help for so long is the reason I'm stuck with it now. Seem to be in a down at the moment

holla doubt it. I get up, get dressed, do the school run, go home, put pjs on and get back in bed...so I don't think moving my alarm clock is going to solve things...

holla I agree about chunking tasks in that way. It's something we do at work with adhd students (they also have concentration problems.

ed leaving my phone on the landing overnight instead of in beside my bed really worked for me this morning. I'm trying it again tonight and will let you know tomorrow whether it works again.

The other thing that I use on workdays but (for some obscure reason) not during the holidays is an SAD lamp attached to a timer so it comes on half an hour before I get up. I'll set that for morning and see if that helps.

Ooh, another thing that worked well this morning is having everything I need ready by the shower so all I have to do is switch it on and get in. Again, I need to try it for more than one day to tell if it really works do I'll let you know.

Just wanted to say, hope everyone is o.k. I didn't mean to cause any upset or mean that anyone should leave this thread.
I just though some of you might have not seen me around so thought I would let you know I had been posting on the AD support thread.

Please all stick around and support each other

{{{Hugs}}}

THANK YOU all for your comments and apologies and I think Eds post sums it all up. I am having a truly awful day and would never have posted the way I did if I was ok or even feeling bad but not too bad IFYSWIM. That's still not an excuse but I can't undo what I've done and as I've said it says far more about me than any of you.

I had an argument with one of my sons recently (well it wasn't really an argument because he won't argue and just walks away) and then won't talk to me on the phone, other than to say he doesn't "need this" and says goodbye. Then I see smiling pics of him on FB with his wife's family (I get on well with my DIL and her family) and more of him out with his mates. We all went to Center Parcs in the Lake District for Christmas (14 of us in all) me and DP and son & dil & grand-dghtr and some of DIL's extended family. We've been about 4 times before and had a good time.

However on Boxing day my Headmonster awoke (he's a snake like thing) and for a lot of the time he's asleep at the top of my head and then he wakes and starts waving his head about and I feel anxious and then he settles himself round the inside of my head and clings on with suction pads and that's the depression setting in. Mostly he starts to move slowly back to his sleeping position as the day goes by on bad days, but he's still clinging like mad. Haven't spoke to my son since Boxing day and he hasn't contacted me, so I think that's making things worse for me.

Don't know if anyone else has a metaphor - doesn't help to bear it any better but at least I know it's something inside me rather than something coming from out of the atmosphere!!

PLEASE let's all stay on the thread...................and sorry again.

Hello BF how are things going for you?

More hugs offered all round :)

(((group hug))) im in.

nana im sorry your son is hurting you - i can relate there.

im taking DS back to uni tomorrow and im afraid its not a moment too soon - we have argued tonight too - ive asked him to start to sort his room as i want to redecorate it for him for when he next comes home. its a tip. its always a tip.

so last summer (i think??) we had some major problems with him - he has special needs but opened my bank statements, memorised my card numbers and stole from my bank, and then used pay day loan companies getting himself into debt. While he knows this was very wrong, he has said sorry and moved on, where i find it very hard to do the same.

so tonight he brings me down £27 of tesco clubcard vouchers that he 'found' in his room - he says he has no idea where they came from but i have a horrible feeling he has taken them from my hiding place and tried to use them at some point in the past....not knowing he would need my club card to do so.

ive got annoyed and questioned him, he has got defensive and ive ended up telling him to take some responsibility at least in part for my current condition which he (probably rightly) refused to do.

i think my job has just tipped me over the edge of a precipice i was teetering on for a long long long time.

Doesn't it seem like being forced together and out of our normal routines male family harder to bear (is that the right spelling?)
Sm/f have fallen out with db/sil and I've been stuck in the middle all Christmas. Got lovely gifts off both then had to watch them open each other's less lovely gifts. Whichade le feel guilty. Like the difference between what they got me and ds and what they got each other was making a point. Families, eh?!

It's the CBT thing - none of us can take responsibility for what anyone else does, only for what we ourselves do.

What do each of you want to do about your ds? What are you afraid will happen?

I've lost track of who's doing what today, so appologies.

But a miracle is a about to happen here. I am about to get out of bed AND get in the shower AND its not even 9:30!

(of course I have a day.out planned...extrinsic motivation is my only motivation ATM but better than nothing :)

Well done Ed It doesn't matter why at all.

Do you find that, every time you do something positive it makes it easier next time? Or, even, that every time you don't do something positive, it makes it harder next time?

Because I was up and dressed and had got the empty boxes out yesterday just from behind the sofa because I couldn't be bothered hiding them away after I had put up the tree my tree is already denuded and packed away.

Going onto iplayer now to watch Africa.

BlackCat

^Just wanted to say, hope everyone is o.k. I didn't mean to cause any upset or mean that anyone should leave this thread.
I just though some of you might have not seen me around so thought I would let you know I had been posting on the AD support thread.^

I don't think you caused any upset. Maybe some of us had become overreliant on this thread and that contributed to a "cliquey" air - I don't know. Hopefully, it's all sorted now.

Yes blackCat I think all is well now. I did go over to the Babysteps thread but it wasn't for me I'm afraid. It sounded a bit American and I certainly don't want to have my shoes on "laced up" by 9.30. I don't wear laced up shoes anyway and pad around in barefeet (in summer) and socks or slippers in winter!! Mind I did "shine my sink" this morning - well more like afternoon as I wasn't up till 12.30. I like the idea of forcing myself to do one or two things but only because it makes me feel a bit better about myself

Not a very good day for me today though slightly better than yesterday - have managed to clear my bedroom and DP has hoovered everywhere. Need to go food shopping but not sure i am up to that.

SO sorry Vicar about your son. You mention that he has special needs, yet manages a degree course. My step grandson is rather an odd, but nice, loner sort of chap and he has done 2 yrs on a degree course specifically on computers, but has been withdrawn by the uni as he can't keep up with the work.

That's worrying about the money Vicar - am wondering if he got your pin number as I thought that was the only way you could get money from someone else's account. Is this a new problem or has it been around when he was younger. I totally understand why you expected him to take some responsibility (in part) for your condition. What do you make of his refusal to do so - I think men in general are often emotionally illeterate, and just don't have the capacity to empathise in the way women do, or most women anyway. That is a sweeping statement I know and I have no evidence other than my own observation. Yes it's all too easy to say "move on" isn't it when the hurt still remains.

As far as my son is concerned he can't/won't cope with conflict and would I think walk over broken glass rather than get into conflict. I blame me and DP really because we used to argue a lot when the boys were growing up. The younger one has a wife who dominates him, and I suppose this avoids conflict too, probably for the same reason. Re the eldest (D) I don't know what to do. I suspect he will just want to carry on like nothing has happened - he actually texted me saying "can we just pretend this hasn't happened and move on......" Strangely Vicar it all started when he phoned on boxing day (we were in separate accdt) and I told him the headmonster was on the rampage - think he said "OH" and then he had to come to collect food from us and he ignored me and started putting the food in his bag and I said something like "Oh not a kind word for me then" and he raised his voice and said in an agitated way "I don't know what to say" and then said "I'm off I don't need this." Haven't been in contact and will stay away till next week as son and dil are both primary school teachers and will be on holiday. I meet my drfghtr on Thursdays so will see him then, and hope my negative feelings will be diluted. SORRY - this may not be of interest to anyone else.

HB you ask what we are afraid will happen re our sons - in my case I think things wil just go on as before as he won't enter into a post mortem. His favourite phrase is "keep it light" but life can't always be light/lite can it as many of us known.

ER are you on a good day to be up and about so early? You say extrinsic motivation is the only way for you, but I think it may be opposite for me because Ihave intrinsic motivation (I will do this and this today) and then when it comes to it, I have no motivation at all.

nina I don't know what to say about your ds. Raising children is so hard and, judging by my parents, maintaining appropriate relationships with them as adults is just as hard.

It sounds like your soon doesn't understand your headmonster. You've said before you shut yourself away when it's raging - is it possible that, having rarely seen you on a bad day, he assumed you were now well and got a shock that you weren't?

When we have kids we don't think of them growing up and having their own families (at least I didn't) and yes it is hard maintaining appropriate adult r/ships with them.

No neither of my sons understand my HM..........and I think they are embarrassed by it. My younger son does say "look I don't understand it but I know it makes you feel awful and not like yourself at all" (in an e mail) D the elder one has actually had depression/anxiety when he started uni and had to come home, and I supported him every inch of the way back to recovery. I would have thought he would understand more. I think he doesn't want to think about it (some of my friends say it's because he doesn't want to be reminded of the past) but I'm not sure.

To be honest I wish I had a daughter because I think women are much more likely to be able to understand and show some concern and support. Bit late now as I'm 69 next month!!!

TBH, i'm thankful I don't have a daughter - especially if she might turn out like me! 2 women under 1 roof etc.

A friend of mine had 5 children and said that he would rather have 5 sons than 1 daughter because the girls were such hard work

Maybe your friends have a point nina. I find the depression of others difficult because I know I can't really do anything to help which makes me feel guilty and ashamed.

Or maybe it scares him because it reminds him that his own depression could come back.

I guess the only way to find out is to talk to him about it. Something that would probably be difficult for either of you - particularly while you're struggling the headmonster. Has your husband talked to him about your depression at all?

evening ladies.

DS is back at uni - we were fine by today - he is emotionally not great anyway as he has aspergers, he tries, but unless something affects him its hard for him to 'get it'. its not his fault - the condition is selfish though and i find it hard work. We start to bicker after a few weeks of living together again - he is nocturnal and wakes me all hours of the night, he goes out into the garden for cigarettes then forgets to lock doors, leaves lights on, and wouldnt know how to be quiet if his life depended on it. So last night i was thinking roll on tomorrow and now he has gone i miss him.

Have also just had a bit of a 'set to' with my DD also but we are fine now - she has had a boyfriend for a year tomorrow and she asked to stay over at his house with his family, i thought i was being most reasonable when i said yes if she let me speak to his mum (she has held me firmly at arms length from his family for fear i embarrass her) she refused so i said fine but she wasnt staying over in that case.

she caved in and gave me his mums number 10 mns ago and we had a lovely chat....DD is 15 and boyfriend 16....both incredibly sensible and lovely kids but there was no way she was staying over without some sort of contact between me and his mum first....

anyway. all sorted now.

after a very slow start this morning i decided to get dressed before i went down stairs today. i think i will try that tack again tomorrow and aim to be up a bit earlier.
i posted sick note, took DS back to uni, did his shopping and havent been home long so going to have a glass of wine and watch some tv.

Hi HB the likelihood of my talking to my son about my depression is about as likely as waking up to warm sun tomorrow!! He just won't engage I know and will just reiterate that we should "move on." The thing about my DP (we've been together over 40 years just never got around to getting married!) he is my eldest son's stepfather and has been a brilliant SD and treats D exactly the same as our younger son. In fact he has D on a pedestal and won't hear a word against him usually. He has however seen how uncaring he was when I was in such a bad state that he says D needs to accept his part in the argument, so he may well say something to him. No he doesn't talk to him about my depression, not for any reason, just the way he is.

Thank god the headmonster is getting dozey and I am hopeful he will be asleep tomorrow..........

Think our posts crossed Vicar - glad things are sorted with your son. I think yu were quite right to want to speak to your DD's bf as 15 is very young but kids seem to grow up quicker these days. I don't think I realised you had teenagers. How are yu feeling now?

im ok thanks, - yes i have a son of 21 and a daughter of 15. ive pretty much kept from them both how rotten ive been feeling but told DS last night though probably not in the right way.

ive met dds boyfriend lots and he is here at least twice a week - a lovely lad and i really like him but i wanted to speak to his family before i let her stay over - she thought i was fussing and being silly but his mum knew exactly why i was calling her....thank god i didnt have to spell it out.

they will be in separate rooms. im not daft, and im going to be the last to know when they start sleeping together im sure, (she finds me horribly embarrassing if i even dare mention sex) but i didnt want her feeling under any pressure because she was staying there.

luckily his mum was like minded.

Sound like you are doing just fine on the teen parenting front, vicar.

I believe I've got AS but that DS hasn't. We were both incredibly selfish at age 21, it is a painful part of becoming independant.

i hope so pussycat

DD and i kissed and made up so feel better. she is actually a really good kid, just going through the throes of teendom and of course she thinks im just an old gimmer who cant possibly understand.

so i just need to get my anxiety under control now about her going out tomorrow, she is going ice skating and she doesnt want a lift - so that involves a train and bus journey and im trying not to even think about fingers getting cut off with skates....ive said nothing obviously....

i wish this bloody sertraline would hurry up and work if its going to. i awoke this morning feeling sick as a dog. took 100mg yesterday. stuck to 50mg today. will go up to 100 again tomorrow.

vicar sounds like a really positive day yesterday . Absolutely agre you were right to speak to df's bd's dm. Has your daughter got a c-card? My mum thought I was a virgin at 18 when, in reality, I'd had 2 pregnancy scares by then!

Nina your situation sounds horrendous. I'm in the opposite situation, as the daughter of depressives, I'm scared of setting them off (both worrying and over-reacting) so never talk to them about anything important. They just can't seem to let anything go. If they would just say, "it hurt me when you..." and I could apologise, make a mental note and carry on but everything gets raked over and over til I'm beyond myself AND the remainder odour lives have been used against each other. Even the most innocent remark gets picked up (at times) and used as an example of how rubbish a daughter/person/mother I am. But "it's for your own good".

Sorry, rant over. Maybe your husband would talk to him this time then. Just to say what hurt you. Because he's a third party, it would be less emotional than for you? Sorry, I'm prone to advice.

Up and about to shower.

morning ladies.

i look and feel a bit rubbish today, spotty and greasy and just yuk - DH wants me to get dressed and go shopping and i really dont think i can face it today.

my house is a tip and the tree needs to come down.

i still cant motivate myself at all. laid in bed late again and im meant to be back at work in a week....going to attempt a tidy up and then a bath and hair wash. On a positive note (i think?) we got our remortage so means we can sort out the leaky bathroom (cant use shower at moment - whole lot needs ripping out and starting again) but then again that probably means more stress...

nananina hope your day is a better one and HM is fast asleep today.

right. off to tidy up in my pjs. hope no one rings my door bell today or they will get a shock....i look flipping terrible today!