Pregnant with horrific negative thoughts-am I evil or is it the illness?

[LosingItBigTime]

I've not been overly ecstatic throughout this pregnancy. It was a shock-my second-I'd vowed I'd never do it again but it didn't work out that way. I have had PND and have now been diagnosed with AND

I am an overly anxious if not OCD type mother and get ridiculously stressed and worked up over my child's routine and sleep. I simply cannot function when sleep deprived. As I get so anxious about my child's sleeping patterns (or lack thereof) my own sleep is completely out of whack. I think I hear crying when there is none. I've resorted to sleeping in spare room with ear plugs in while DH keeps monitor with him in our bedroom (next to our child's room) because I get far too agitated at every sound. But even with these measures I'm not sleeping well at all. 2-4 hours per night.

I have been panicked beyond belief about how I'm going to cope with this and the further sleep deprivation that comes with a newborn. My irrational and negative thoughts often seem to be linked to the days when I feel particularly sleep deprived,

Anyway, I finally admitted some horrific negative thoughts to the midwife on the MH team today. I am scared to death of the thoughts I'm having and I had to be honest with her in case I end up like one of those mothers on the news.

I hate the child growing in me. Every movement makes me mad. I want to punch my belly and wish it would just go away. I am scared of it and feel like I don't want it anywhere near me when it is born. I don't want it and I just cry and cry when I have to go through all the motions of having to prepare for its arrival.

I am sickened by myself. I know these feelings are utterly disgusting but they are there. I am evil because I know there are so many people desperate for children and I've been 'blessed' but I really don't feel 'blessed'. I just want to run away from it all but I can't. My DH and mum know how I feel-I've told them I have fears I could harm this child. I have told them I should give it up to someone who wants it. I told this to the MH midwife too. But they all seem to think that once the baby is here, I will magically feel different.

Please someone, anyone, have you experienced these kind of thoughts and then they went away? Or am I just pure evil? I think I could be. I hate everything about my life. I don't enjoy being a mum-and I don't feel like I can do it a second time round. Oh God, I sound so bloody awful and pathetic. If someone offered to cut me open with a rusty knife with no pain relief to take this baby away I'd happily agree. I am truly evil. God help me.

[LosingItBigTime]

Thanks littlepuds. Ill try my best to rationalise this.

[Mylittlepuds]

It's okay. I used to look at DS when he was little and think he was like an alien! Ha! I think you'll find a lot of people have similar feelings - I know I do. Try and think of a few positives. Have you got a name sorted? And they are cute when they're so little :)

[LosingItBigTime]

How are you doing anyway? I hope things getting better for you?

[Mylittlepuds]

Aw thanks for asking. I'm okay but spend my whole days with DS with a constant anxiety which is wearing :( I really hope it doesn't get worse still when the baby arrives as I will definitely not cope!

[thunksheadontable]

An ACT exercise is to try and visualise your fear... you take some breaths and get in touch with yourself and then try and work out what your fear feels like inside you. Where are its edges? If it were an object, what would it look like? Can you see it outside your body? If it were a creature, what would it appear like? For me, the fear is always in my centre and I can feel its edges right down into my middle and it's icy and cold and black, often shaped like a hand. When you draw it outside of yourself in your mind, you ask it what it needs from you. Then you imagine yourself doing it some small kindness like feeding it or stroking it, before inviting it back inside you. Sounds mad, right? Took me a while to get into it but I have found it very useful to realise that fear is always going to be there but it doesn't have to take over, also that it's not all of me and that I can be accepting of it.


Another useful thing I do a lot is this two breath mindfulness exercise:
Breathing in, I calm my body.
Breathing out, I smile.
Breathing in, I dwell in this moment.
Breathing out, this is the only moment.

Sometimes, smiling is HARD and my face feels like a frozen mask but remembering there is only now and that if right now you are not experiencing the real event you fear can be very helpful.

[thunksheadontable]

Half my message went missing - grrr! No time to repost now, hope I will be back later

[LosingItBigTime]

No worries. What's there is pretty helpful but I'm so demotivated I have zero energy to focus on anything. The fear and panic are taking over now. It has become a phobia. I can't stand the sound of babies crying now either, even my 18 month olds crying has become almost impossible for me to tolerate. He is crying again at nap and bedtimes and I can't cope any more. My sister bought her 6 week old over yesterday and his crying sent me over the edge. Been very emotional again and unable to relax or sleep and the suicidal thoughts are back at the front of my mi d again. Feel trapped, can't run, can't hide. I wish I could just die.

[thunksheadontable]

Talk to your crisis team about the suicidal thoughts, go to A and E if you have to. It is a horrible way to feel and it needs treatment ASAP. I really hope you can go to the MBU soon, it sounds like you really need it. I remember that feeling so, so well. All you have to do right now is get through. Nothing more than that, even though that's a big ask. You can do it, even if not one shred of you feels you can. Just hang on in there... that's all you have to do, one moment at a time. There will be moments other than this but right now, you just need to get through the hard ones, one at a time. Please just keep breathing... if you can keep breathing, there will always be hope even if you can't find it right now x

[Mylittlepuds]

Thinking of you losing. I really do know how you feel. I honestly believe it's your hormones massively exasperating the problem. Excellent advice from thunks. Please keep us updated.

[LosingItBigTime]

Had a baby boy this morning. Im ok at moment. Held him for about 30 secs. Not sure how I feel.

[Mylittlepuds]

Congratulations Losing! So happy that you and he are both healthy :-) try not to analyse too much how you feel (I know easier said than done). Please keep posting here to let us all know how it's going. Does your DH know how you've been feeling most recently?

[LosingItBigTime]

Yes he knows. They're letting him stay with me as I'm so afraid of being alone with the baby. Will let u know how it's going. Thank u xx

[Mylittlepuds]

I'm glad they're letting him stay with you. I was like that with DS. Not nice. Thinking of you. Xx

[LosingItBigTime]

Thanks mylittlepuds. xxx

[Scheherezade]

Congratulations little puds! Are the perinatal mental health team involved?

[Scheherezade]

Argh sorry my brain froze there. I meant congratulations losing !

[Jollyb]

Losing it - glad to hear about the arrival . Remember you're one day closer to feeling back to 'normal' and maybe now he's here some of the fear of the unknown will pass. As someone has said don't over analyse your thoughts and don't compare. Just take one day at a time xx

[thunksheadontable]

Hey there, glad to hear your baby arrived safely. Hope you are getting lots of support, love and help. One minute at a time, one breath if that's what it takes x

[LosingItBigTime]

Thanks all. Looks like I'm being transferred to an MBU as soon as a bed is available.

[Scheherezade]

That's good news losing I went into an MBU last year when DS was 2 weeks, and again for 4months when he was 6mo. They are great places for helping mums.

[Mylittlepuds]

How are you losing? Thinking of you :-)

[LosingItBigTime]

They made DH go home yesterday. I've been very upset by that. They've taken the baby away as his presence was causing me such distress. Hosp staff seem fed up of me. I want to go home but I'm not allowed. I just wanna go home to my ds1. I miss him and my family.

[LosingItBigTime]

I've been told that if I discharge myself the decision to go into a psych hosp will be taken out of my hands. No beds at MBU. I'm stuck in a maternity ward and am hearing babies crying everywhere. God help me

[LosingItBigTime]

I think it means I may be sectioned if I don't comply. I'm really not at that stage. If they allowed me to go home for the weekend I'd see my son and happily go wherever they want me to on Monday.

[Jollyb]

Oh Losing it -sorry you're having such a shit time. I find it quite shocking that they've sent your DH home. I hope the MBU bed comes up soon xx