Pregnant with horrific negative thoughts-am I evil or is it the illness?

[LosingItBigTime]

I've not been overly ecstatic throughout this pregnancy. It was a shock-my second-I'd vowed I'd never do it again but it didn't work out that way. I have had PND and have now been diagnosed with AND

I am an overly anxious if not OCD type mother and get ridiculously stressed and worked up over my child's routine and sleep. I simply cannot function when sleep deprived. As I get so anxious about my child's sleeping patterns (or lack thereof) my own sleep is completely out of whack. I think I hear crying when there is none. I've resorted to sleeping in spare room with ear plugs in while DH keeps monitor with him in our bedroom (next to our child's room) because I get far too agitated at every sound. But even with these measures I'm not sleeping well at all. 2-4 hours per night.

I have been panicked beyond belief about how I'm going to cope with this and the further sleep deprivation that comes with a newborn. My irrational and negative thoughts often seem to be linked to the days when I feel particularly sleep deprived,

Anyway, I finally admitted some horrific negative thoughts to the midwife on the MH team today. I am scared to death of the thoughts I'm having and I had to be honest with her in case I end up like one of those mothers on the news.

I hate the child growing in me. Every movement makes me mad. I want to punch my belly and wish it would just go away. I am scared of it and feel like I don't want it anywhere near me when it is born. I don't want it and I just cry and cry when I have to go through all the motions of having to prepare for its arrival.

I am sickened by myself. I know these feelings are utterly disgusting but they are there. I am evil because I know there are so many people desperate for children and I've been 'blessed' but I really don't feel 'blessed'. I just want to run away from it all but I can't. My DH and mum know how I feel-I've told them I have fears I could harm this child. I have told them I should give it up to someone who wants it. I told this to the MH midwife too. But they all seem to think that once the baby is here, I will magically feel different.

Please someone, anyone, have you experienced these kind of thoughts and then they went away? Or am I just pure evil? I think I could be. I hate everything about my life. I don't enjoy being a mum-and I don't feel like I can do it a second time round. Oh God, I sound so bloody awful and pathetic. If someone offered to cut me open with a rusty knife with no pain relief to take this baby away I'd happily agree. I am truly evil. God help me.

[Mylittlepuds]

Oh Losing. My heart goes out to you and I'm thinking of you. Can DH bring in DS1?

[wheresmyheartat]

Hi Losingit - I have read what you have been through and your feelings, but you say you want to see your son yet feel distress when you do see him. The two don't go together. What's happening? If you are afraid of him and what you might do to him it is fear that you need to overcome, and you can only overcome that fear by exposing yourself to it, gradually, but carefully. Perhaps more, but very gradual supervised exposure to him would help you with these feelings?

Separating the two of you will make it easier and safer for the services, but will not help you get through this together with your son and DH. I'm terrified of other peoples babies in case I drop them or hurt them by mistake - I think that's a fairly normal emotion. Perhaps yours have been taken to the extreme and you need help to reign it all in.

My heart really goes out to you, I can't imagine what it must be like for you. As Littlepuds suggests, can DH bring DS1 in? This is the time to bond, not separate.

[LosingItBigTime]

Hi wheresmyheartat. I meant I wanted to see my 18 month old son. I was distressed by the presence of my new son but I have been down to see him (with supervision) today. I held him as well for a good half hour while he slept. He was calm so I was calm. I get very upset/panicked when he cries. But I know I will get better...

[Mylittlepuds]

You will get better :-) I'm so glad you've seen him today, you calm and him calm. What's been helping me today is saying 'I'm not going to let this panic ruin another moment of my life' every time I feel it rising (which is a lot). I suppose it's like a mini mantra. It helps distract me and I find it becomes a bit boring saying it and then my mind wanders to more 'normal' stuff. Give it a little try. Xxx

[wheresmyheartat]

Try to remember that when a baby cries it's not because they are unhappy, just because they are hungry or cold, or need a cuddle. It's the only way they can tell you.

[wheresmyheartat]

Sorry if that sounds really obvious, but it's easy to forget that it doesn't matter an awful lot when they cry, it's just normal behaviour, and we can make it better.

[thunksheadontable]

It's a pretty debilitating illness and you need to have specialist support asap. Tbh I don't think mat ward is much good for you.. It sounds that your illness is v severe right now. Can dh push for mbu placement out of area or just generally shout and fight on your behalf? You need an advocate to get intensive appropriate support now. Are you having daily visits from perinatal team?

[achillea]

Agree with thunk - you are entitled to get the appropriate help.

[Mylittlepuds]

I agree with Thunk too

[LosingItBigTime]

Perinatal MH team seeing me every day. Thanks for the support. Wheresyourheart, I understand what you're saying but I'm not feeling normal. My feelings are irrational and I understand that but I have to work on overcoming my fear with the right support. Thank you all for your support. I hope and pray that a bed is available tomorrow at mother and baby unit. The hosp has made a safeguarding referral to SS so they are wanting to meet me and DH. It's all very worrying.

[bansku]

I just read the postings.

I was depressed throughout my pregnancy and had same thoughts as you. I got help from mental health team as well. My depression disappeared after labour.

Did you want to have another child? We wanted second child but when I got pregnant everything changed. I wished for miscarriage and wanted to push a knive through my belly and also kill myself. I did not tell these thoughts to anyone as I was afraid of hospitals and SS. But I knew I wanted another child before I got pregnant so I blamed hormons. I guess the situation would have been different if I would have been pregnant but not wanting it in the first hand.

Hopefully you will get better. I guess now after birth you can take stronger meds.

[thunksheadontable]

Don't worry about the SS stuff Losing (though you will, you know I know that!). It is very much just to assess it/you and what support you might need. Remember SS are involved with all sorts of people e.g. children with special needs, parents with special needs (including mh needs) etc. It's not all about taking kids away and to be honest, back in the real world I work with kids and there are kids who are being treated shockingly and neglected/abused etc who are not removed.

The perinatal mh team will assure them that the physical risk with your type of difficulty is actually probably less than with the average person. You are engaging with services and that is what they will want to know, also what support your husband might need too I think? The meds for OCD/anxiety type thing are much higher than with depression on its own, my psych always told me this. I am on 100mg sertraline but will be increased shortly to 150 (max is 200 and I am betting I will get there even though I am actually doing okay these days).

Wheresmyheartat, wanting to see your child but feeling distress at being with them is a hallmark of the type of illness that Losing has, basically there is tremendous fear that you will cause harm to your baby and so it is almost unbearable to be around them because you are so afraid you will be responsible for causing harm even though as a person that is the last thing you would ever want to do to your baby. That's the very essence of the illness in some ways. Very few people outside of specialist services understand this. You are right about exposure but it does need to be very carefully managed with highly specialist support and a combination of medication and CBT/Exposure and Response Prevention.

Losing, what's your official diagnosis at this point? Have they said OCD or are they still saying mainly depression or something else? Hoping and praying you get MBU placement asap x

[LosingItBigTime]

I have depression along with anxiety and a bonding disorder. Still no news about the MBU yet. Thanks for the explanation too. I really do appreciate it. I'm on 100 at mo, will go up to 150 and then prob 200 as well. X

[bansku]

An interesting explanation thunksheadontable, but I have other ideas.

If person in the first hand do not want a baby and relizes she/he is putting both of his/her hands in the bucket of shit, which means a realisation that there is going to be sleepless nights/loads of work/and this lasts for years and years.
The distress the baby being near comes from the fact that there it is and is not going anywhere anytime soon. Also the thoughts of hurting etc derives from this. I don't think any meds therapy will help on this. The only way is to accept it and get on with it.

I am just writing my thoughts with some experience. I might be wrong but heihou.

[LosingItBigTime]

Actually, I desperately want to get better. I WANT to bond with my new son. I'd give him up otherwise. It's the reason I've accepted going into an MBU so I can work on getting on with it and coping. I was just being honest with services so I could get right support. The last thing I want to do is hurt any child, my own or anyone else's. yes, I am in shit right now, but I want to fix it and part if 'the getting on with it' is going to MBU so I can learn to cope without constantly having anxiety attacks. I wanted my first baby and I was terribly ill after his birth too. I know my son didnt ask to be born. That's why I'm gonna work my heart out to fix this situation.

[bansku]

well then i was wrong.

But I want to congratulate you! If you can say that thoughts of future sleepless nights/loads of work/and this lasts for years and years do not have anything to do with your condition you are very lucky! As those are usually things which makes people think they are depressed as in real life they are just exhausted and fed up.

[LosingItBigTime]

It is daunting I'm not going to lie but believe me there is more to it. I know it's going to be very hard. It's hard for everyone. But it's hard enough when you've bonded. I haven't and I want to. I was depressed years ago before I had children. I got better about 7 months in after having my first son and I just don't want it to take as long for me to get well again this time. Motherhood is hard. It's harder with MH difficulties but I am determined to fix this.

[bansku]

Well, I have so called healthy friends who say they did not bond with the baby until she/he was almost one...

But do not believe or take seriously what I say. I am just ranting for the sake of it (ugh did I really admit it!?). Just feeding my ilness as I have done many times in past.

Sorry and get well.

[LosingItBigTime]

Thank you. Appreciate it. I hope you get well soon.

[Hoophopes]

hi - I am sorry you are struggling, hope you get the MBU bed and the PMHT can continue supporting you. It is hard to be honest, but it is the only way to get the support. I had horrible anxiety before my son was born this year, something I couldn't explain, but didn't get the Peri Natal Mental Health team support for many reasons, partly due to already having a CPN and I know it would have been easier with specialist support. Also I struggled being so honest as I feared SS so much, in hindsight I realise a CAF and SS involvement would have accessed the support I needed. They can do things like get funding for chidlcare for 2yr olds, actually mean you get therapy (rather than a cpn once a fortnight!), help with bonding etc.

Wishing you all the best.

[Jollyb]

Losing it - you've recognised that this is an illness which is positive in itself. I so hope that you get the help you need ASAP.

[thunksheadontable]

How are you doing LosingIt? I am hoping they have got you an MBU placement by now!

[purplepenguin86]

Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and that I hope you're on the MBU now.

[LosingItBigTime]

Hi there. Thanks. I'm here at MBU. Hopefully it'll be a short stay.

[achillea]

Thank god for that! Such a relief, thanks for letting us know.