Pregnant with horrific negative thoughts-am I evil or is it the illness?

[LosingItBigTime]

I've not been overly ecstatic throughout this pregnancy. It was a shock-my second-I'd vowed I'd never do it again but it didn't work out that way. I have had PND and have now been diagnosed with AND

I am an overly anxious if not OCD type mother and get ridiculously stressed and worked up over my child's routine and sleep. I simply cannot function when sleep deprived. As I get so anxious about my child's sleeping patterns (or lack thereof) my own sleep is completely out of whack. I think I hear crying when there is none. I've resorted to sleeping in spare room with ear plugs in while DH keeps monitor with him in our bedroom (next to our child's room) because I get far too agitated at every sound. But even with these measures I'm not sleeping well at all. 2-4 hours per night.

I have been panicked beyond belief about how I'm going to cope with this and the further sleep deprivation that comes with a newborn. My irrational and negative thoughts often seem to be linked to the days when I feel particularly sleep deprived,

Anyway, I finally admitted some horrific negative thoughts to the midwife on the MH team today. I am scared to death of the thoughts I'm having and I had to be honest with her in case I end up like one of those mothers on the news.

I hate the child growing in me. Every movement makes me mad. I want to punch my belly and wish it would just go away. I am scared of it and feel like I don't want it anywhere near me when it is born. I don't want it and I just cry and cry when I have to go through all the motions of having to prepare for its arrival.

I am sickened by myself. I know these feelings are utterly disgusting but they are there. I am evil because I know there are so many people desperate for children and I've been 'blessed' but I really don't feel 'blessed'. I just want to run away from it all but I can't. My DH and mum know how I feel-I've told them I have fears I could harm this child. I have told them I should give it up to someone who wants it. I told this to the MH midwife too. But they all seem to think that once the baby is here, I will magically feel different.

Please someone, anyone, have you experienced these kind of thoughts and then they went away? Or am I just pure evil? I think I could be. I hate everything about my life. I don't enjoy being a mum-and I don't feel like I can do it a second time round. Oh God, I sound so bloody awful and pathetic. If someone offered to cut me open with a rusty knife with no pain relief to take this baby away I'd happily agree. I am truly evil. God help me.

[Nonymous1]

Hi I know this is an old post but OP do you have an update. I ask because I feel the same. I've been sat here all day crying wishing for my baby to come out and not to be alive. I'm disgusted with myself and I can't stop crying because of how intense these thoughts are. Did it get better?

[Emmjo]

Hi,

I am so glad I have found this, I suffered with post partum ocd after my first little girl was born in 2006 but I had no idea what it was - my doctor diagnosed the baby blues and I visited her weekly for a few months for 'talking therapy'. The thoughts were horrendous and I thought I'd always feel that way, but after a few months I felt much better and within a year the thoughts were totally gone - just through talking. I was able to watch most things on tv again, as I'd only been able to watch 'nice' programmes. I was terrified that I'd have the same thing when my second little girl was born but amazingly I was fine.

I can still get stressed and anxious at times but a lot of the advice on here has been great, I'm going to try yoga and mindfulness to focus my mind on the here and now and enjoy my family time. Sleep helps enormously, when I don't get 8 hours I can feel worse.

I know how horrible intrusive thoughts can be. In the book Postpartum Depression for Dummies, the author, Shoshana Bennett says,
"The irony of PP OCD is that a mom who had it is the most careful, protective mother of all. Her protective instincts are constantly working overtime."

"The theory regarding why a mom with postpartum OCD has thoughts about harming her baby is this: She obsesses on the most horrible thoughts possible and the absolute worst thought is that she herself may be the cause of that harm. Her obsessive, anxious mind lands on these self-incriminating thoughts, often in a barrage of nonstop horror."

"Moms who are suffering from OCD aren't a danger to their babies. they're simply overprotective. There isn't one report to date (book published in 2007) of any mother with postpartum OCD, ever following through on any of her scary thoughts. She's just afraid she will, which is a huge difference from actually going through with the thoughts."

This helped me a lot.

[Celestia]

That's wonderful, congratulations :). Enjoy a lovely Christmas with your family x

[MmmnoodlesoupIsDueXmasEve]

Wow you are amazing, so glad things are looking up x

[feeno]

I just came back on here to let everyone know that the recovery process has been going amazingly well. MBU in my city wasn't that great for me tbh but since coming home to DS1 and DH, with lots of love and support from my amazing mum and one of her friends, I've been saved from being completely overwhelmed by PND and PNA and have been able to bond with DS2! He is absolutely beautiful, although DS1 is very unsure about him. DS2 has reflux which is pretty nasty but with the right meds, he seems to have settled down loads. I'm getting lots of help and support so I am now able to spend some quality time with each of my boys. Sadly I don't get much time to spend with DH but he has been fantastic and has really come through for me and our family.

I'd like to thank you all for your care and support. Wouldn't have got through it without you-in my darkest moments I was saved from suicide by posting here. I realise now how my mind along with hormones was playing horrid tricks on me-I'm actually feeling like I may end up being quite a loving and happy mum after all!

Thank you xxx

[thunksheadontable]

Hope you are doing okay Losing and that the MBU is working out for you. Thinking of you. Hope each day is just a little bit better than the one before.

[purplepenguin86]

I'm glad you're able to spend time with your son, and that he is growing on you, and really pleased you're not feeling suicidal any more. Are they letting you go home on leave or anything yet? It might be worth asking if you can start spending some time at home, or do they not think you are ready? It's good to hear from you, and really great that things seem to be improving for you.

[Jollyb]

Losing it - for what it's worth I think wanting to go home is really positive. It doesn't necessarily mean you are ready to go home but at least it means that you care about your environment rather than being completely apathetic and disconnected.

Glad to hear you're finding it easier to be with your son- It's still very early days. I'm not sure I connected with my daughter until she was around 6 months.

[achillea]

I can't imagine what it must feel like being watched all the time. Try to focus on little one, try to gain confidence in yourself.

But you are absolutely right that having a new baby makes you feel anxious. They are so bloody delicate, you don't dare breathe in case you do something wrong. The only way to get past that is to just hang in there - you will just get used to it in time and get to know what feels right for you and that will also be what is right for him.

Look into his eyes and try to feel what it must be like being him - a cosy, warm, comfy life with no worries or stresses.

[Mylittlepuds]

You sound like you're feeling a lot better :-) so glad the little guy is growing on you, that's fantastic. Just take it as it comes. I can totally understand you miss home :-( Have you seen any other mums?

[LosingItBigTime]

I'm feeling like I want to go home. I miss my family. I've been spending lots of time with my new little one and he is definitely growing on me. I just feel too closed in here and watched. I'm no longer suicidal which is good. Still suffering anxiety though but I'm starting to think that's quite normal with a new baby. I just can't get any sleep here or relax because of the whole big brother feeling.

[Mylittlepuds]

Ignore typo please!

[Mylittlepuds]

How are you a Losing?

[thunksheadontable]

Saw this last night and was delighted but it wouldn't post for me. I am so glad to hear this, you've no idea. I was worried for you in that mat ward. Here's to a speedy and thorough recovery - hoping this will very, very soon feel like a bad dream in your past x

[Ilovecake1]

Congratulations. Just been reading the thread for start to finish and think you are so amazing. Being open, asking for help and just being so honest. I do hope you will be able to bond soon and take your little baby home...does he have a name yet?

[Jollyb]

Great news. Hope you get the support you and your baby need

[Mylittlepuds]

Still thinking of you Losing. x

[achillea]

Thank god for that! Such a relief, thanks for letting us know.

[LosingItBigTime]

Hi there. Thanks. I'm here at MBU. Hopefully it'll be a short stay.

[purplepenguin86]

Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and that I hope you're on the MBU now.

[thunksheadontable]

How are you doing LosingIt? I am hoping they have got you an MBU placement by now!

[Jollyb]

Losing it - you've recognised that this is an illness which is positive in itself. I so hope that you get the help you need ASAP.

[Hoophopes]

hi - I am sorry you are struggling, hope you get the MBU bed and the PMHT can continue supporting you. It is hard to be honest, but it is the only way to get the support. I had horrible anxiety before my son was born this year, something I couldn't explain, but didn't get the Peri Natal Mental Health team support for many reasons, partly due to already having a CPN and I know it would have been easier with specialist support. Also I struggled being so honest as I feared SS so much, in hindsight I realise a CAF and SS involvement would have accessed the support I needed. They can do things like get funding for chidlcare for 2yr olds, actually mean you get therapy (rather than a cpn once a fortnight!), help with bonding etc.

Wishing you all the best.

[LosingItBigTime]

Thank you. Appreciate it. I hope you get well soon.

[bansku]

Well, I have so called healthy friends who say they did not bond with the baby until she/he was almost one...

But do not believe or take seriously what I say. I am just ranting for the sake of it (ugh did I really admit it!?). Just feeding my ilness as I have done many times in past.

Sorry and get well.