Pregnant with horrific negative thoughts-am I evil or is it the illness?

[LosingItBigTime]

I've not been overly ecstatic throughout this pregnancy. It was a shock-my second-I'd vowed I'd never do it again but it didn't work out that way. I have had PND and have now been diagnosed with AND

I am an overly anxious if not OCD type mother and get ridiculously stressed and worked up over my child's routine and sleep. I simply cannot function when sleep deprived. As I get so anxious about my child's sleeping patterns (or lack thereof) my own sleep is completely out of whack. I think I hear crying when there is none. I've resorted to sleeping in spare room with ear plugs in while DH keeps monitor with him in our bedroom (next to our child's room) because I get far too agitated at every sound. But even with these measures I'm not sleeping well at all. 2-4 hours per night.

I have been panicked beyond belief about how I'm going to cope with this and the further sleep deprivation that comes with a newborn. My irrational and negative thoughts often seem to be linked to the days when I feel particularly sleep deprived,

Anyway, I finally admitted some horrific negative thoughts to the midwife on the MH team today. I am scared to death of the thoughts I'm having and I had to be honest with her in case I end up like one of those mothers on the news.

I hate the child growing in me. Every movement makes me mad. I want to punch my belly and wish it would just go away. I am scared of it and feel like I don't want it anywhere near me when it is born. I don't want it and I just cry and cry when I have to go through all the motions of having to prepare for its arrival.

I am sickened by myself. I know these feelings are utterly disgusting but they are there. I am evil because I know there are so many people desperate for children and I've been 'blessed' but I really don't feel 'blessed'. I just want to run away from it all but I can't. My DH and mum know how I feel-I've told them I have fears I could harm this child. I have told them I should give it up to someone who wants it. I told this to the MH midwife too. But they all seem to think that once the baby is here, I will magically feel different.

Please someone, anyone, have you experienced these kind of thoughts and then they went away? Or am I just pure evil? I think I could be. I hate everything about my life. I don't enjoy being a mum-and I don't feel like I can do it a second time round. Oh God, I sound so bloody awful and pathetic. If someone offered to cut me open with a rusty knife with no pain relief to take this baby away I'd happily agree. I am truly evil. God help me.

[Mylittlepuds]

Oh God I have had a day full of wibbly woo moments! You absolutely will get back to you I promise you that. You will look back on this time and it will make you a better, more understanding, more empathetic person. Not that you weren't but you will look on this as a life lesson.

[thunksheadontable]

YY to feeling like you but with more empathy etc. I couldn't believe this could happen to me, but it has and I've survived and I have so much more feeling for others I know are suffering like this. My cousin is quite severely mentally ill and now I understand so much more (while not being at his level) and feel so much compassion.

It is absolutely your illness and not you. We're not really an "I" at the best of times, like good old Walt Whitman said "I am large, I contain multitudes". There is enough space in you to be angry and irritated and who you are. It's easy to fall into black and white thinking but you can be irritated/angry and a great parent and person all at one time, there is a lot going on at once for every one of us ALL the time. Wibbly woo moments seems a great way to describe it mylittlepuds, helps keep it in perspective as "just one of those things" without putting too much meaning into it.

[LosingItBigTime]

Thanks ladies. I can't wait to get back to being 'me' again although the Walt Whitman quote is indeed very apt. I guess one never really is a single I/me type entity. We are constantly trying to fulfil roles and responsibilities. As parents, as children, as siblings, as partners, as work colleagues, friends etc etc.

I already feel so much empathy/sympathy and compassion for anyone even remotely suffering from MH issues. I just want to reach out and hug all of them to say everything is gonna be ok...I really hope that is what happens for us all

[LosingItBigTime]

That is, that everything does turn out ok in the end

[achillea]

Hi, bigtime, I am so glad and relieved that you are feeling a little bit better now. Thanks for updating us, it is good to know that I have helped, even though I know very little about all this. You were clearly in a very dark place and have come back into the light.

[LosingItBigTime]

It's pretty shitty when 'D'H can't even try to be sensitive to or try to understand your pain.

I just can't stop crying now. Like the floodgates have been opened.

[LosingItBigTime]

p.s. thanks achillea...I'm working on it as best I can.

[Neednewjeans]

Oh no what's happened Losing?

[LosingItBigTime]

Hi newjeans. I don't know really. I think I am overreacting as usual. I'm very pregnant now and struggling to cope with a boisterous 18 month old all day. Whenever I ask DH for help he takes DS out in the garden for half hour or so and then leaves him back with me while he completes odd jobs in house and garden which aren't urgent or is constantly in and out of the house saying he needs to sort his other property which he has new tenants. The property is empty and he has an agent so I don't understand. I guess I expect too much. It's really hard for me to make meals for and entertain my LO all day as I'm so tired and so pregnant. I don't think DH quite understands the severity of my illness either because I just try so hard to plod on as best as I can.

Self pity is the lowest form of shit and reading what I've just written I think I'm bloody wallowing in it.

So sorry.

Thanks for asking. I can't believe how much help and support I've had through MN. Thank you.

[thunksheadontable]

Oh Losing, sorry to hear that you are not having support. I have had a lot of ups and downs with my husband on this journey. I had to really work hard to get him to understand and he really didn't take it seriously for a long time. I still have to remind him quite a bit that I am getting well and there are some things that are hard. One thing that helped here was bringing him to an appointment with the psychiatrist, that helped him see how seriously they were treating it and made a big difference. What's going on with you?

[LosingItBigTime]

The new tenants are about to move in, sorry, didn't make that clear above.

[thunksheadontable]

Cross posted with you! I totally understand. I had a major argument with dh when he wanted to leave me to go to a wedding when ds2 was two weeks old when I was just adjusting to meds etc.. he thought that as the birth was over I would be fine! Men! They do need it spelled out in CAPITALS at time.

As for the self pity comment? Nah. Compassion is the highest of all human values and you need it for yourself if you can extend it to others. It's hard being so pregnant at the best of times, you are doing it in difficult circumstances. Have you made a decision about the MBU, do you know where you are on the waiting list? Hugs.

[LosingItBigTime]

Hi Thunks. It's so hard getting OH to understand really. I have to keep reminding him that the depression isn't just about the situation I'm in. It's organic in that my brain chemistry isn't quite right. I can say this with confidence because I know from years of experience with this crappy illness, I've always responded well to medication and recover even quicker when the medical treatment is teamed with talking therapy. I've given him stuff to read and he's been to a couple of psych appointments with me but he just doesn't get it. But I do know he loves me. Bless him.

[LosingItBigTime]

Yes indeed, men! That's the exact kind of thing my DH would think is completely ok. No news about MBU yet. I've pushed for further info and a look around but nothing yet. I know they've put everything in my notes but I just don't know how it's all going to work out.

Thanks for the hugs. Right back atcha.

[Scheherezade]

You need to take your DH to your appointments with the perinatal MH team.

[LosingItBigTime]

I did. He's been with me to a few appointments. He can't seem to process it.

[Scheherezade]

Can you ask.your CPN to talk to him?

[AndFanjoWasHisNameO]

Just read the thread - I just wanted to tell you that I think you are bloody amazing! You sound like an excellent mum to me, the fact that you've been so open and honest over your feelings is the thing that will get you through.
I had (mild to moderate) PND with last DC and 18 months later am pregnant again and terrified I will have some of those feelings again, but I also know that it is possible to come out on the other side.
I wanted to mention the feelings you are having about the dynamic changing between you and DS. For me this was an incredible hurdle to get past, I hated my 2nd bump towards the end and my heart ached for how I'd 'destroyed' my relationship with the boy-even down to the fact that he would suffer when I was in having my section. Obviously this all turned out to be a load of bollocks DS was spoilt rotten by everyone, didn't miss me nearly as much as I'd worried and was so so thrilled with his new baby that nothing else mattered. Yes it is hard with 2 (and another bump) but you will manage. This will pass.
Sorry for rambling- just don't want you thinking that all the 'normal' fears are jumbled up with how you're feeling and that most people get them.
God I don't half go on.......

[MrsNPattz]

I just wanted to say how very, very brave you are and in time I hope you will be so proud of yourself!

[achillea]

I'm feeling a bit angry on your behalf about your not so dear H. I wonder if it might help to put it to him that it is a privilege to look after children, not a chore. It is something that his child will cherish him for and appreciate. Taking him out in the garden for half an hour is great, but it doesn't sound like he's got his heart in it.

When I went through a bad time with my first, and heavily pregnant with my second, my dp was up first thing in the morning with her cooking her porridge, playing and watching TV with her - before work. And he's really not the best dp in the world by a long chalk. The thing he does realise is that the time he spends looking after his children is something unique and special. And although he's not the best Dad or partner in the world in a lot of other ways, he understands that as a fundamental principle.

[LosingItBigTime]

AndFanjo, thanks for the words of reassurance. It helps when you hear from people who have experienced the same feelings and come out the other side. I have no doubt it's gonna be a hard slog-I think that's why I've been so damn terrified of the entire situation.

MrsNPattz, bless you, thank you. I just hope and pray I'll be able to look back and think of it as a really bad dream that's all over.

Achillea-thanks for the lil pep talk. I think you're right. He hasn't always been too helpful with DS but last night he kinda made up for it. DS has a nasty cold and he took the night shift happily. I ended up having a rough night myself and didn't sleep well anyway. He sent me back to bed and sorted DS out for his lunch and nap. He is now outside with him again. I feel a little guilty and sheepish now for all the moaning.

[LosingItBigTime]

Scheherezade. I'll talk to the CPN tomorrow and see if that could help. Thank you

[LosingItBigTime]

2 days till due date. I'm utterly terrified. Can't bear to pack my hospital bag. The newborn clothes disturb me too much. I saw a newish born at drs yesterday and had a terrible panic attack. I just don't know how I am going to cope with this.

[Mylittlepuds]

Losing - just think of them as 'normal' feelings as they are. Because of how you've felt you've just put more importance on them. Honestly my DS is 18 months, I'm pregnant again and because of what I went through last time the thought of newborns strikes fear into my heart! You have coped through this awful time and you'll cope through this. The worst possible outcome is that you will just 'get by' hour by hour but the best is that it won't be nearly as bad.

[LosingItBigTime]

It's like a developed a phobia of small babies.