Seeing things when you're already taking anti-psychotics.

[MyLeftButt]

Last week I was feeling really upbeat and positive and feeling great about stuff, but I'd stopped being able to get to sleep.

This week I still can't sleep, keep getting mild anxiety attacks, am making myself sick 2-3 times a day, which is something I only ever do when I am close to losing it, and I keep seeing things that aren't there. Sometimes its stuff out of the corner of my eye and other times it will be something like seeing a spider run acrosss the floor, but my DH can't see it.

The thing is that I really don't know how to handle this now. I can't take more time off work. I don't want to end up back under the crisis team as I want to move forward not backwards. I also shouldn't be seeing stuff as I'm on a lot of meds that should stop that. I really don't know if I should tell my care coordinator as I don't see what she can do.

Has anyone else been in this position? What on earth did you do?

I finally saw my care coordinator today and she's referred me to the crisis team again. I have someone coming out tomorrow and Sunday and an appt with the psych on Monday. I had to change my working hours to be able to see them, but my manager was OK with it.

Her referring me so quickly and me getting appointments for three straight days is worrying on one hand as I tend to underestimate how bad things are, but on the other hand its reassuring as it means I'm getting help. I'm trying not to see it as a step back, but a blip that I need help with to get over.

MyLeft, it's not a setback. You have wonderful insight into your own condition and for all you know this could be a side-effect of the meds. It's a bump in the road, that's all. You're doing really well xx

I think this is a lot about me having to return to work before I am fully well, but there may be some tweaking involved with the two meds that I'm on. Maybe reducing one of them to take away some the feeling of being wiped out during the day.

I had my first visit from the Crisis team today - well first of this round. I was advised not to drive, which isn't too much of a pain as the DVLA has already suspended my license and they'll be watching me closely. I ended up in tears as in RL I find people who are needy and attention seeking really tiresome and thats how I feel like I am at the moment. The CPN who saw me said that I wasn't and I'm only how I am at the moment because I'm ill.

I'm just so bloody tired of it all and wish the getting better thing would hurry itself up. I'm really hacked off that its all gone backwards so quickly and hope it gets back to going the right way as sodding quickly.

Don't know if this helps.

I spent 6 months on various wrong meds. 6 months off work and 6 months of hell. Then it all fell into place on current drug.

What I am trying to say is: It seems never ending when it is going on and on, and you get more and more desperate and more and more less inclined to believe that anything will work. And then you have to go back to work unwell because of mortgage tec etc etc

But it will fall into place eventually x

MyLeft, cut yourself some slack. Would you be this hard on yourself if it was an illness like glandular fever or Malaria? There's no-one in the world who enjoys perfect health their whole life. You will get better xxxx

I had five years on the wrong drugs, but eventually found the right ones - I had practically written myself off.

I also found that the best thing was to kind of accept that I was ill. It took a long time to get my head around it, but once I started actually looking for my triggers and warning signs I was able to keep things under control a lot more. Also I stopped skipping meds.

For me, I can feel when I am getting ill, as I feel out of sorts and start jumping at stuff. I get much more tired, but also weirdly energetic. It used to be that I would deal with this by going for a huge night out, drinking loads of red bull and putting myself at risk, which always led to a full on episode of manic psychosis. Now I have learned that I should get a bit of fresh air (but just a bit - not walking for miles and miles) have a nice meal and get a good nights sleep. I also leave any major decisions or purchases for a week or so. Sounds like nothing, but if I am really strict on that I can usually keep it under control.

I had my psych visit this morning and there's no change to my meds as they had been working until I got really stressed again. She has added something to help me get to sleep for the next few days, so hopefully that will have a positive effect on me as I'm sure part of the problem is that I've stopped being able to get to sleep.

There are some concerns with the hallucinations, intrusive thoughts and the problems I'm having stringing a sentence together at the moment and she did offer hospital, even if just for a few days, but I'd really rather not go down that route right now. Mainly as I couldn't put my DH and DCs through that again so soon after the last visit and also because I need to carry on working and its not that easy to get to work when you're on a secure unit. Besides, I've already taken a step back by being back with the crisis team. Hospital is just a step too far.

So I am not sure what happens next as I don't have any further appts booked in with the CT, so I suppose its carry on as best I can for now and wait for my next appt with my care coordinator to see how the sleeping tablets have helped.

Do you not have a number for the Care Co-ordinator, don't be afraid to get in touch if things do not improve. You owe it to yourself, your family and your work. I am v impressed with the insight and self monitoring you are showing.

I do hope the pills help you sleep, my last v short episode was in part caused by v poor sleep and stress over the last year (divorce, with him under same roof), they added quetiapine to my AD and it so helped with sleep. What have they given you, may I ask?

Zopiclone. I'm already on quetiapine and lamotrigine.

Don't know that one, sounds like it turns you into a clone of a Zopi

Lamotragine didn't suit me, it made my moods v unstable, one reason why I think my diagnosis of bi-polar may be wrong.

I'm on Lamotrigine and I love it :-). The dictr was trying to put me back on antipsychotics and I persuaded him to just try increasing my Lamotrigine. Worked a treat.

But obviously not if it doesn't suit you.

Yes, be sure that you get back in touch with them if things don't improve.

The lamotrigine and quetiapine had been working quite well. I'm on 200mg of the former and 600mg of the latter so technically I should be stable, but the lack of sleep and general stress is mucking it about a bit. I'm OK with my bipolar diagnosis as when I was diagnosed I looked back at my life and went; "ooh that explains a lot".

I will get in touch with them if it starts going down hill. I was close to doing so this afternoon, but managed to handle it with some prn and some down time. It does worry me that the psych suggested hospital again as it makes me wonder how I'm presenting to the outside world. I've told work that the stuttering is a side effect of the medication, so am covering for myself that way.

the psych won't be making decisions on how you're presenting to the outside world though, she'll be basing that on what you're telling her. And fatigue on it's own can be awful. I don't have MH issues but lack of sleep makes me very morose!

I've been having a good think about things and am seriously considering taking them up on the offer of having a few days back in hospital while I get over this blip. I just wonder if I'll get over it quicker if I can put all of my energy into it, rather than trying to deal with it alongside my job and looking after 2 small children.
I don't know whats for the best though. I did speak to DH about it last night and his attitude was that if thats what was needed then thats what was needed. Its good to have his support, but I am not sure I can see this as a positive thing to do, rather than a massive set back.

MyLeft, do whatever you need to to get better. At the very least you'd be getting some rest. Very hard to recover from anything if you're working and looking after dc's.

Lack of sleep really messes with my head. Cant talk properly , cant think and i have been known to have hallucinations too.

I also have MH problems but it is not related to the sleep thing. Hope the new meds let you get some sleep , it always makes me feel so much better when ive had a decent sleep.

I saw my care coordinator again today, but didn't get much out of it as I was feeling rather despondent. I really don't know what anyone can do to help at the moment as I've just lost sight a bit of what the actual problem is. Is it that I'm unable to do my job that is causing the anxiety and dark mood, or is it the illness thats making me feel anxious and like I can't do my job.

While she was here, I rejected more appointments with the crisis team, but within an hour or so of her leaving I was mid anxiety attack, taking PRN and back on the phone to change my mind and feeling like an arse of the highest order for doing it.

I've just got off the phone from my first call to the crisis team in months because as soon as the prn I took late this afternoon wore off, I was back at anxiety central again. I've now taken my evening meds and the zopiclone and will see what a decent night's sleep does for me.

I'm trying my best to keep a lid on this and just get through each day as it comes. I'm bloody grateful that I have a day off tomorrow where I don't have to do anything that I don't want to. I will have a easy morning and go and visit my friend for tea and biscuits. Hopefully that will help me get back to something more like myself, rather than the rather pathetic me with a stupid bloody illness.