to want to die without making anyone sad?

[Emerging]

(namechange) I wanted to post in the thread about supernatural experiences that was here a while ago, but it seems it is now quite old (things move fast in mumsnet!), and also maybe I should post this as it stands because I find myself in an massive dilemna and wanted to kind of reach out to others... both to ground myself, and to share an experience.

This is to do with the inner voice. Not inner ?voices? as in schizophrenia, but that one clear, pure, true voice at the core of your soul that you can only hear when everything else in your mind is silent.

I had a major life event recently (weeks ago) and something switched in my brain that had been building for a long time? to start just listening to that voice and following it. Keeping my mind quiet of all doubts and fears and just communicating quietly and honestly with that one small voice.

I quite quickly reached a point of what I can only describe as absolute stillness and contentment inside, with just my own ?outer? voice, and that small ?inner? voice quietly conversing like two old friends. I felt like I finally understood everything that life was about.

And then I received (days ago) what I can only describe as a gentle ?invitation?, to cross over. It wasn?t said in those words, but I knew the message in my heart, almost telepathically. It was an invitation to die, to step into ?the light?, to leave this world behind and be born into the world of the ?inner voice?, whatever that is. I don?t mean it was asking me to kill myself? I just knew that if I accepted I would die naturally right there and then.

It was the most REAL thing I have ever experienced, and the fear that welled up in me was too great. I wanted to accept so badly, but my life right now feels perfect and I found it so hard to imagine my loved ones coming home to find me dead and all the grief they would have to go through.

I couldn't say yes to the invitation, but I did say I would like to look in the outer world to see if many others are having this kind of experience, and to share my own if not (I also want to ground myself to make sure I'm not crazy), and my inner voice seemed happy with that? so here I am.

This is my experience. Are there others out there? If death really is a transition, then raising awareness of it would make the process (both for the dying and the left behind) so much easier.

I can't describe how torn I felt between really, really wanting to 'step into the light' and see what might be waiting there, and the pain of leaving everyone I loved behind. Not even just my own pain, but imagining their pain at finding me gone... at a time when everyone is so happy. Is it selfish to want to go? Should I talk to my family about it (or will it throw them into confusion?) Am I crazy?

Wishing you a good night's sleep. X

Well done, you did the right thing. Rest up and get some sleep now, and let him take care of you.

Big hugs. x

Thinking of you. Take care x

I am so glad you had that conversation with DH and how it sounds like he is there for you.
Have a good night, all 3 of you xx.

Emerging, you're doing incredibly well. Well done for talking to your dh sbout it.

Also, Please do show your OP to the doctor.

Really pleased you've been able to open up to your dh. Your plan sounds spot on. thinking of you and keep us posted x

Thinking of you, hope you get a good nights sleep now.

So glad your dh knows about things now and is so supportive. You come across as very brave and strong, great stuff for talking about it with your family. I hope you had a really restful sleep and can feel up to seeing your GP soon. Wishing you all the best and a speedy recovery!

Morning Emerging. I hope you managed to get some sleep last night. Well done for talking to your husband. I know how hard that can be so you have done really well.

Sounds like you have a good plan. A restful weekend (and it will be much more restful for you now you have shared your thoughts with your husband) and a trip to your gp sounds very wise. I'm glad to read that your DH will take you to A&E if needs be, although I really hope it doesn't come to that.

Try to get some fresh air and remember to rest and eat well.

We are all here for you whenever you need to talk.

Sending you lots of love.

Dearest emerging
I have been lurking in this thread and thinking about you since your first post. I had never heard of PP before this.
I am so glad you are going to seek the help you need.:you are doing the right thing pet.
Take care

Thinking of you emerging. I had PND and it was such a dark, black time. How I wish I had sought help I would look back with happiness for those early months.
It will be ok it truly will. You sound like such a lovely lady.

Thinking of you today Emerging and hoping you get all the help you need

Another one thinking of you this morning emerging. I hope you had a restful night and that you are hanging on in there this morning. So relieved you have some support now. You will get through this I promise. I had horrendous PND but came out the other side and you will too. Big hugs to you and baby x

Morning OP, hope you slept okay.x

Good morning, Emerging.
You were incredibly brave yesterday, and I am so glad you are sharing what you are experiencing with your DH. I hope you had a good night's sleep. You are in my thoughts.

I hope you got that good night's sleep, Emerging. You have been incredibly strong and brave and have taken the first important step. Sounds like you have a very loving, understanding and supportive DH, and now you have shared your problems, you can work as a team and know you can rely on him to do the best if things get too much for you at any stage.

I want to tell you what a great mother you are. What's happening to you must feel very strange, big and scary, but you are not ignoring it, you are reaching out for help, listening and acting on it. You are going to get help, because the TRUE voice inside you knows that you need to be well, mentally and physically, to be the best mum you can be for your precious baby. You are going to make sure your baby's mummy gets better and you should hold on to what a positive and powerful thing you are doing for your whole family in facing this and making and following an action plan.

We are all here for you at any time. I hope today is a better day.

Thank you all for the encouragement and well wishes.

Slept very deeply last night, and woke up feeling a bit like I've mentally crashed... very slowed, numbish, and I guess I'd describe it as being moderately depressed (unfortunately know this territory).

Have been reading a little bit more about postnatal psychosis to try and understand a bit more about what/why, how its treated, future implications, etc. Noted that it can be linked to the menstrual cycle (which I thought interesting as mine started last night - first one since giving birth).

Feeling a bit angry and resentful with my own mind for what feels like a betrayal.

DH reckons we should ask the GP to put me back on antidepressants (used to take Mirtazipine), and I'm inclined to agree with him... although I'm also hoping that this is just a backlash, and may lift again.

Thank you for that lovely post OxfordBags.

Let the GP decide, once you have had the chance to describe fully what you have experienced. With all best intentions, both you and DH do not know what you are dealing with, though the territory may feel familiar. This is linked to hormones and post-birth changes - you simply cannot predict what form it will take in the coming hours / days. I am concerned that you are not going to seek attention until the GP is available (sometime Tuesday?) when you may need to see someone sooner. Though I also appreciate that out-of-hours / a&e are an unknown quantity! Have you spoken to your Gran again since?

Oh, Emerging, no NOT waste any valuable nervous energy on being angry with yourself - this is as 'real' an illness as if you had a postnatal infection for instance. And I am sure you would not be cross with yourself for that.

So much is not known about how the human mind works and how we are all different (although so much the same also).

Be kind to yourself, keep talking - in RL with your DH/gran/hopefully GP and on here if it's helpful to you.

You are doing great and are a good mother to your son.
I totally agree with the TRUE voice in you knowing that how you were feeling was not quite 'right', hence you posting your original post.

Sounds like you have a very supportive DH.

Think you should go and have a full frank discussion with the GP, not just request the Ads. As I'm sure you understand from how much your mood has changed in the last 24hrs, this condition can be very unpredictable.

Well done.

I'm so glad you got a good night's sleep and that you have a plan that includes your husband. I hope you will keep talking openly with him about how you are feeling, and consult your GP as soon as possible.

Has your husband taken a look at this thread at all? It might still be helpful to him...

Emerging, you are doing amazingly, I'm glad you had a good sleep, I'm sure that helped.

I'm another one who thinks you should describe your last few days to the doctor in full. The doc may decide that the ADs you had before won't be appropriate here. Printing out your OP might be one way to do this.

Your lovely supportive DH first heard about this when you were on a downward spiral, don't forget, in a very different place from where you were when you first posted. It's natural he might relate it to the kind of depression he has already seen in you.

I totally see why you might now be feeling cross with your own mind, and that might make you inclined to minimise the extent of how you were feeling before.

This would be dangerous, because it won't give your doc the full picture. What happened to you was physical, nothing to do with your character or strength of mind or anything like that. They need to know about it.

You might also be tempted to think you have 'got over it' now. Maybe you have in which case hooray! But it is a risk to assume it.

You need to treat this period of feeling grounded as if it were a window in which to seek help. Just in case it is a window. If it isn't, and you really have recovered, you've lost nothing in double checking.

Anyway sorry to go on at you, I'll stop the essay now! Be thinking of you today x

MadBusLady, you are completely right... I do feel a bit like I've 'got over it' now, and if anything, just very embarassed and annoyed at the whole situation and myself.

I'm also feeling like its going to be making such a silly big deal of talking to the GP about it (even though another part of me knows thats not right). It doesn't help that I don't really connect well with my GP even though I'm familiar with her... and I'm not sure I want her seeing this side of me as I feel quite humiliated and sort of exposed right now.

I have a sort of suspicious and defensive feeling against my DH as well which is totally undeserved by him (connected to past abuse from men), and so I have shut down a bit and don't really want to talk to him... and am experiencing his concern as invasive.

Have been looking up some helpline numbers, but looks like the ones that could be helpful don't open until Monday, and I don't really want to talk where DH can hear me either.

I feel like it is the right thing to talk (as you have all been saying), just struggling to find somewhere/someone that feels comfortable with.