to want to die without making anyone sad?

[Emerging]

(namechange) I wanted to post in the thread about supernatural experiences that was here a while ago, but it seems it is now quite old (things move fast in mumsnet!), and also maybe I should post this as it stands because I find myself in an massive dilemna and wanted to kind of reach out to others... both to ground myself, and to share an experience.

This is to do with the inner voice. Not inner ?voices? as in schizophrenia, but that one clear, pure, true voice at the core of your soul that you can only hear when everything else in your mind is silent.

I had a major life event recently (weeks ago) and something switched in my brain that had been building for a long time? to start just listening to that voice and following it. Keeping my mind quiet of all doubts and fears and just communicating quietly and honestly with that one small voice.

I quite quickly reached a point of what I can only describe as absolute stillness and contentment inside, with just my own ?outer? voice, and that small ?inner? voice quietly conversing like two old friends. I felt like I finally understood everything that life was about.

And then I received (days ago) what I can only describe as a gentle ?invitation?, to cross over. It wasn?t said in those words, but I knew the message in my heart, almost telepathically. It was an invitation to die, to step into ?the light?, to leave this world behind and be born into the world of the ?inner voice?, whatever that is. I don?t mean it was asking me to kill myself? I just knew that if I accepted I would die naturally right there and then.

It was the most REAL thing I have ever experienced, and the fear that welled up in me was too great. I wanted to accept so badly, but my life right now feels perfect and I found it so hard to imagine my loved ones coming home to find me dead and all the grief they would have to go through.

I couldn't say yes to the invitation, but I did say I would like to look in the outer world to see if many others are having this kind of experience, and to share my own if not (I also want to ground myself to make sure I'm not crazy), and my inner voice seemed happy with that? so here I am.

This is my experience. Are there others out there? If death really is a transition, then raising awareness of it would make the process (both for the dying and the left behind) so much easier.

I can't describe how torn I felt between really, really wanting to 'step into the light' and see what might be waiting there, and the pain of leaving everyone I loved behind. Not even just my own pain, but imagining their pain at finding me gone... at a time when everyone is so happy. Is it selfish to want to go? Should I talk to my family about it (or will it throw them into confusion?) Am I crazy?

Emerging don't feel silly.

A friend of mine had a patient who needed his leg below the knee amputated because of a toenail infection he had ignored for three years. Now that is procrastination!

Your GP will not judge you, you are her patient and it is her best interests to get you referred and helped as soon as she can.

If you feel it will be easier to print a copy of your OP as an icebreaker then she will appreciate that. You may find you won't need to do a huge amount of talking anyway.

Good luck.

A good sympathetic GP is rare as hen's teeth it seems to me .

In that case, I really think A&E might be better for you. You won't have to talk to your GP that way - and you'll probably never have to see the A&E people again, so that may help you feel less exposed.

Going to A&E is not a big deal. People go for all sorts of reasons. The staff have seen it all before.

You can just say to them you didn't want to wait until Tuesday to see your GP because it's a bank holiday weekend, and you've had a serious episode of something-or-other. You think you're better, but you want to be 100% sure. It's just checking in, really.

I'm sure your DH wouldn't mind leaving you alone to talk to the helplines in private.

JustMe at your friend's poor patient!

Emerging I have been into A&E before with an asthma attack.

When they asked me "Do you smoke?" I had to admit yes.

Can you imagine what a complete idiot I felt? Honestly, I cringe to think about it now.

Emerging, you have done so well so far, but to be frank, it now sounds like you are also talking yourself out of going to the GP. This is presumably because you think the worst is over, and you perhaps get some relief after talking to people in RL about it. Of course you feel a bit exposed now that you have more insight into what happened. Please, please let the rational, insightful part of you get yourself some expert medical advice.

It sounds like - given what you've already said about your lack of confidence in your DH, and your GP, your previous history of relationships and mental health issues - that you have a LOT to deal with. You really do need to get some specialist advice. If you want to do this in confidence, then walking into A&E and explaining what has happened in full, is the quickest, most anonymous and safest way of doing this, without your 'defences' intervening to prevent this.

You acknowledge yourself that you feel 'tricked' by your mind now. We are all worried that if you do not seek out rapid and correct help, it has the potential to happen again, without this moment of insight. Please don't wait for it to 'feel bad' again to get proper help - it was bad, you can't change that fact and you still need to prevent it happening again, whether with simple monitoring, therapy, drugs or whatever.

So glad you've updated.
My first point of contact was the local crisis team, they were very good. More experienced than a GP IMO.

Most crisis teams are available 24/7. Have you got the contact details of your local team? They will come to your home no need to go to them.

Please explore this option rather that seeing a GP? It's a long time till Tuesday.

Emerging, keep an open mind about what the most appropriate treatment for you might be. Mirtazepine is an antidepressant and only an antidepressant. The elation you felt in the last few days, followed by now feeling exhauseted and down, means different types of medication may be suggested for you.
Or no medication . A 'talking therapy' may help you also. And yes, the success of any therapy also depends on how welll you 'gel' with whoever you talk to, but consider your GP as the starting point rather than the person you have to bear all to.
Consider printing your OP off - honestly, it says it all.
And do not be embarrassed - much as these feelings after childbirth are not common, thankfully, they are also not at all rare and your GP whilst not a specialist will certainly know where to access quick help for you.

That first step to access help is so important and you've done it!

Yy to Crisis Team, but here they require a GP referral unless you are already a known client to them? May be different from health board to HB, mind

Going to take a bit of a break from this thread as feel I am becoming a bit unhealthily obsessed with it, refreshing and re-reading etc. which is not normal behaviour for me at all... which I both recognise and am disturbed by.

Just don't want anyone to worry about the disappearance, I will make myself stay away until tommorow at the soonest, and will try and connect with the world in front of me for a while.

Much love and thanks to each of you, I wish I could engage with you each as individuals and not just give blanket replies, because there are so many of you I would like to connect deeper with... but yes, am becoming a bit too mesmerised by this thread. Logging off for now.

In that case have a nice day, Emerging! Don't worry about feeling you need to report back to us. We are here if you need us, that's all.

Best wishes
x

I second mental health specialists instead of GP :) Bus is absolutely right, Emerging, this current depressed feeling is part of a mood cycle not the whole thing. I'm glad it's given you a space to read up on the phenomenon you're experiencing - and delighted you've been able to recognise it and talk to DH!

Angry, resentful, suspicious, defensive ... These are depressed symptoms, remember? Your emotions are not necessarily any more 'real' than your earlier feelings of insight, elation, calm, etc. The next phase could be more false clarity and/or new elements such as terror, rage, and other horrid things.

You are in a waking dream. Don't be angry with your mind; it's only responding to misplaced hormones. It/you can't help the rollercoaster thoughts and feelings. But you can help it to rebalance. Get specialist support. Much love!

Your insight is a great weapon and you are using it

Take care x

Emerging please be careful of any feelings of distrust for your DH, Doctor, or others who are trying to help you.

Remember others here have described paranoia being the next stage.

Emerging I am sitting here with a friend of mine who's a nurse. She's pointed out that the GP's won't be open on Monday (if you're in the UK) as it's bank holiday weekend and says she thinks you should try to get help before then.

She says there should be some kind of out-of-hours mental health team. In our area it's called the Mental Health Crisis Response Team.

If you can get hold of a number for your community mental health team there should be someone on the line 24 hours.

If you post roughly where you are (PM me if you like) she can find out the number of the team in your area.

They will talk to you, listen to you and provide you with support.

If you are continuing to have a psychotic episode then you need to get help while you can still ask for it. If the next stage is paranoia, you may have talked yourself out of asking for help by Tuesday.

I don't think you are crazy. Deep, spiritual, philosophical thoughts and sensations are a normal part of the human condition (in my opinion at least), some people dabble in these thoughts, some don't, most are in between somewhere. People take their own lives to escape pain and depression, some people simply have a very different perspective of their state of being and it's context in the universe. How much of what we experience is due to life experiences, genetics, chemical in the brain or our 'inner voice'. It's impossible to unpick it. There is no 'normal', only what the people around us might define as normal. But life is precious and if you ever seriously consider taking your own life, you have a duty to yourself and the people around you who care about you to seek help.

It sounds to me like a spiritual/philosophic moment which was very intense for you and you can just take from it what you want. You clearly didn't want your life to end and maybe that's the most significant part of what happened. what you should focus on. Sometimes I think to myself about drifting into another state of being or simply not existing consciously, but these are musings and defiantly not suicidal thoughts. I'm not depressed and apart from worrying a bit too much about my kids sometimes, i think I'm well and have always been a deep thinking like that, right back to childhood. Drifing off somewhere 'more peaceful' without pain for yourself is something I'm sure allot of people think about sometimes. Life is hard and so is the human condition. But to thoughly explore these feelings you need to be able to distinguish them from feelings that may be related to anxiety or depression or anything else which is a sign of illness, but be honest with yourself and seek help if you need it,

ilovehugs, you are coming a bit late to this thread and much as I am sure your thoughts are valid, they do not quite match with what the OP is going through IMO.
If it turns out she had a spiritual experience, great; but if not, the risk of not seeking help in a timely manner is huge and the consequences can be dire.

And btw not a sigle person on the thread has suggested the OP is 'crazy'

Ok, sorry. Also the use of the word 'crazy' was in response to the OP's question of 'am I crazy'. I wasn't suggesting at all that other people on the thread had called the OP crazy either. I also want to make the point that in my post I said several times that it's important to be honest with herself and get help if she needs it. This is a support thread and felt that I had to the write to contribute my opinion - taking great note of the Mumsnet disclaimer which is attached to threads like this. I don't really understand what you mean by coming into the thread too late. Are you asking me politely not to contribute again? If so, unless I am being offensive - which I would never want to be, surely I had the right to contribute.

No, sorry, I did in no way mean you could not contribute, but as the general feeling has been that the OP may have a potentially serious, dangerous health issue the reassurance that it may be spiritual experience did not sit comfortably with me. You can post whatever you like - there had been a similar opinion very early on in the thread.

And apologies for pulling you up on the use of the word 'crazy' - I'd forgotten it was in the OP

I've just read through a bit more of the thread now and I can see your point now PacificDogWood, in terms of how the thread has progressed. Perhaps I should have read more of it before I posted, but I wanted to respond to earlier responders who, quite a few, straight away felt she may have had mental heath needs. Sorry if I sounded cross. x

I think the problem ilovehugs is that the OP seems to be experiencing something which sounds very much like psychosis and your post could be seen to be minimising it.

If she is experiencing psychosis then she needs to get help before it gets worse.

Other people on this thread have shared how they or people close to them have had similar feelings of understanding / elation / everything fitting into place, which have then been followed by paranoia and very dangerous mental states.

We don't know if this will happen to the OP, and hopefully not. But if she is heading that way then suggesting that she's just a deep thinker, and that it was simply "spiritual/philosophic moment" could be actually unhelpful.

It sounds like she's really very unwell and in need of help - I am sitting here with a medical professional (a nurse) who agrees with that.

ilovehugs i did wonder if you'd read the rest of the thread.
May I suggest you read it all?

I think ilovehugs wasn't suggesting the OP was this that or anything at all....the post was about human kind, thinking processes, the differences for individuals, spiritualism and the possibility that skewed thinking can become an issue for people and being very careful to recognise (try to) remain with ones feet firmly on the ground....

Questioning mortality, where we fit in the universe, purpose, existence, etc....these are universal subjects...contemplated by many people (possibly most people) at different stages and times in their lives...and the amount of importance some people may attach to this kind of thinking when it is quite normal and healthy to think about and where the boundaries lie when it may become an issue or a MH situation for some

that ilovehugs was drawing this subject out and highlighting the degree's to which people respond and think about this sort of subject....

It is a very interesting subject...the op herself is interested and questioning things about this very subject....she has also been thankfully lucid enough in her thinking to recognise that her thinking is skewed to some degree and is possibly dangerous to her well being....and has thankfully spoken and shared her feelings and thoughts with her GM and her DH...which we are all very relieved to know....

ilovehugs ...I see nothing wrong, irrelevant or harmful within your post and your right to respond within this thread is the same as anybody else's....I do not see what the issue is????

I know you said you were stepping away from the thread Emerging, but if you are reading, I would like to agree with other posters who urge you to get help now.

Where I am, there is a walk in crisis team who dealt with me straight away. They contacted the Intensive Home Treatment Team who kept me out of hospital. Perhaps there is something similar near to you.

Tuesday is a long way away in terms of waiting to see somebody.

aufaniae - I did read some more of the thread and I reposted to that effect.

Posters have very varied experiences, anecdotally and professionally about mental heath are going to post on these boards. People with wildy varing needs and situations are going to seek help here. That is why there is a big disclaimer on these boards that they are to be used in the safe and correct context and not an alternative to seeking help IRL. The very last thing I would want to do is post a well-meaning comment which results in causing someone harm nor does mumsnet. I think it's important to remember the context here so people are free to contribute to the best of their ability.

whatthewhatthebleep - you have understood and summerised the point I was trying to make so articulately. Thank you.

Also to answer your question aufaniae - I hadn't read much of the thread when i first posted and have read more now but not all. As I mentioned earlier, I should really have read more before I posted. having said that, it wasn't a about specifics and I didn't think it could be harmful or detract from the support the OP was being given here. I don't want the thread to detract from the main point further so will end by saying that it's wonderful to read the support the OP has been given and wish her very well IRL.

Imho gps are generalists and if you are lucky at most they will get you a fast referral. Sounds to me like you, emerging, need fast, expert intervention, given you don,t seem to like your gp that much and tues is a long way off, personally i wd go to the nearest specialist unit you can find. I went to my gp for pnd. The counselling i was offered was just not effective and in fact i had ptsd and i am only getting help for that a year on and then only because i did my own research. If you go into your gp and start minimising this, i worry you will not get what u need.