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Original poster

Really struggling with motherhood

104 replies

Annals1989 · 30/07/2012 21:43

Hi all.
I hope someone can offer some friendly advice. I'm feeling quite fragile to say the least.
I was on citalopram before I fell pregnant, but I was taken off it by the GP because of my pregnancy. Now I'm a mother and things just seem to be getting harder. I thought as your baby gets older its supposed to get easier?? My little girl is 3 months old and things just seem to be getting worse.
I've got no support as my OH is rubbish and says everything is my fault/problem so I need to deal with it (meaning looking after our baby) I'm with her 7 days a week on my own pretty much and I just don't know how much more I can cope with. I feel so lonely and isolated.
I feel scared to go back to the GP again as I feel like I have failed as a mum. Parents are supposed to be strong and great role models - neither of which I feel.
I just need to know that im not alone in feeling this way. I just think my little one is better off without me :-(

OP posts:
EightiesOlympicGolds · 02/08/2012 15:13

OP, I wouldn't bother trying to talk to him later and I wouldn't tell him about your GP appointment. Why? Because he has already made his feelings clear, and to date he isn't motivated to change them. I think this quote is Maya Angelou - 'When someone tells you who they are, believe them'.

You've told him you're thinking of leaving and he hasn't taken that seriously. Unless you're prepared now to follow through. my advice would be to go very quiet, get on with life for the short term, and watch carefully how he behaves. Think about what offers the best future for you and your daughter. And don't waste time, or invite upset, asking for his approval. You know you won't get it.

RationalBrain · 02/08/2012 15:18

God what an idiot. Him, not you. Doesn't he realise what he is possibly throwing away here? Anyway, there is nothing you can do to make him change, it has to be down to him. I'm so sorry you have to be going through this at a time when you should be getting the maximum support from your partner.

I would be very quietly getting my financial position as strong as possible, making sure I had copies of all important documents, his bank accounts, pay slips etc. Talk to CAB so you know what your rights would be (from you OH and from a benefits point of view). And if possible, start squirrelling away a fund of your own. All without letting him know obviously.

I hope your DH sees sense and you don't need it, but it would be the most prudent thing to have a plan B in case relationships break down even further.

Original poster
Annals1989 · 02/08/2012 15:18

The trouble is even if we did spilt our house won't sell the way it is and even if it did it would go for barely anything. And I would need my deposit back (which would legally come back to me if we sold and went our separate ways) to get me and my little girl a new home.

OP posts:
RationalBrain · 02/08/2012 15:21

Couldn't he leave instead?

Original poster
Annals1989 · 02/08/2012 15:39

Well our house is half renovated and once I've bought him out the tiny amount he would be owed I wouldnt have the money to pay for builders and make the mortgage payments as I'm on crappy maternity pay. He can't afford to buy me out so we'd both have to leave.

OP posts:
PooPooInMyToes · 02/08/2012 16:20

So he's pretty much saying "Im really selfish and lazy, i am aware i am like this and have no intention of changing, for you, our baby or anyone".

He's told you who he is, listen to him. He won't change because he doesn't want to. You can't do anything about that.

So sorry about your mum.

Original poster
Annals1989 · 02/08/2012 19:15

Well we've talked a little bit so far and ive told him about my gp appt. he didn't react too badly he just told me not to take any tablets they prescribe me. I in return said that if the gp believes I need something to help me then I plan to take them. I asked him a very direct question, I asked him if he is depressed himself and he said yes Sad I said he should visit the gp and talk about the way he feels but he has refused and said he can manage on his own. I really feel for him now and feel bad that I never asked him that question before Sad later on I plan to try and find out why he feels low etc.....

OP posts:
PooPooInMyToes · 02/08/2012 19:36

Its not his place to TELL you not to take medication you yourself know you need and the Dr is likely to prescribe. Its not his place. Is he always so dictatorish?

As for him being depressed . . . I am suspicious because it gives him a get out clause. Something that conveniently gets you feeling sorry for him.

SardineQueen · 02/08/2012 19:54

Being depressed doesn't explain any of the behaviour that he's exhibited though. It doesn't turn you into an arsehole.

Out of interest does your medication affect your sex drive / sexual response? Mine does and that's the only thing I can think of why he wouldn't want you to take Ads.

Original poster
Annals1989 · 02/08/2012 20:13

Yes I suppose I see what you mean. I might tell his mum what he told me.....

I have no sex drive at all lol, I'll only do it when he really nags! How awful does that sound! Blush but I had a 3rd degree tear when I had my daughter so it's still quite sore when we do it.

OP posts:
PooPooInMyToes · 02/08/2012 20:47

It doesn't sound that bad, because your baby is only 12 weeks old, you had a serious tear, you have no help from anybody, your husband thinks your baby is not his responsibility, he says horrible things about how you are coping, you are depressed, he won't allow you to be on the mediation you need, he deliberately tries to wake the baby. Of course you don't feel like sex!

In your opinion do you think that the sex thing is why he doesn't want you to go on the medication?

I don't think depression makes a person as nasty as he is behaving. I think he's more likely to be suffering from "Im a lazy twuntitus".

SardineQueen · 02/08/2012 21:04

It may well not be that at all it's just what I thought of.

Agree with poopoo's post entirely.

Flosie1989 · 02/08/2012 21:57

Omg need to calm down and sleep on what has just happened. Another massive row! Will post tomorrow. Xx

EightiesOlympicGolds · 02/08/2012 23:43

Keep calm and don't doubt yourself. The support you've been asking for is perfectly reasonable.

Flosie1989 · 03/08/2012 07:31

My plan is to possibly speak to his mum when I see her later on and just sit quietly and see if things change. Looking after myself and my baby girl in the process.

Flosie1989 · 03/08/2012 19:49

Ok well I finally told my OH today "grow up and face up to your responsibilities before you lose me and Ella" and since then he's been all nicey nice offering to help with Ella this evening, got my shopping in from the car for me saying how much he loves me and also saying the he's sorry he doesn't help with our daughter he also explained that he doesn't know what to do when she cries which is what makes him nervous around her. Hmm maybe we're getting somewhere. I hope so anyway....

RationalBrain · 03/08/2012 20:15

Glad to hear you've got somewhere at least. Would it be worth seeing if he will try couples counselling now he realises what is at stake? I think you need to be very clear with him what behaviour is and is not acceptable (starting with all the behaviour you've listed here!). Don't let him wriggle out of this by being nice and doing a chores for a week, he'll thik he can then slip back into his old ways as you don't really mean it.

Btw the ladies in the relationships section have probably got a lot more useful advice for you, you could ask mnhq to move this thread there?

Flosie1989 · 03/08/2012 21:30

Yeah maybe he was just being nice because he has gone out with our friends tonight. We'll see.

Yes I think I will ask MN to move this thread. How do I do that? Thank you xxxx

RationalBrain · 03/08/2012 21:39

Just report your own post and put the request in there.

Unless you think that you need a bit of support from the Gp for depression as well, and it's not just useless OH dragging you down?

Flosie1989 · 03/08/2012 21:46

Ok thank you will do that Smile

Well im still going to go to the gp to have a chat about how I feel etc. I know I have a lot of anger built up inside me which seems to show its face every now and again. I was on citalopram before because of my Mum passing away so maybe that's still the reason I need to go back for a chat....who knows!

RationalBrain · 03/08/2012 21:49

I think that's probably a good idea, if nothing else than to talk through your situation with someone in real life. Depression is often linked to repressed anger and/or feelings of loss of control of an important situation. Worth trying to solve what's causing the anger rather than bottling it all up. Easier said than done I appreciate. Good luck lass, keep standing up for yourself.

Flosie1989 · 03/08/2012 21:51

Thank you RationalBrain for all the advice and support you have given me Smile

SardineQueen · 04/08/2012 12:15

I agree with rational, I think she has given you good advice. You will find out soon enough whether he really has had a "wake up call" and will change his ways or if he will make an effort for a few days and then sip back.

PooPooInMyToes · 06/08/2012 19:54

How are you op?

Flosie1989 · 06/08/2012 20:33

I'm ok thank you got asking Smile

I'm looking forward to my doctors appt next Monday. Smile

As for my OH hes so down and depressed its unreal, he's starting to be really honest with me which is comforting even if I don't get any more help than before.

I'm still struggling and feeling very low but I'm just hoping things will get better in fact I know they will it's just a matter of time xx