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Really struggling with motherhood

104 replies

Annals1989 · 30/07/2012 21:43

Hi all.
I hope someone can offer some friendly advice. I'm feeling quite fragile to say the least.
I was on citalopram before I fell pregnant, but I was taken off it by the GP because of my pregnancy. Now I'm a mother and things just seem to be getting harder. I thought as your baby gets older its supposed to get easier?? My little girl is 3 months old and things just seem to be getting worse.
I've got no support as my OH is rubbish and says everything is my fault/problem so I need to deal with it (meaning looking after our baby) I'm with her 7 days a week on my own pretty much and I just don't know how much more I can cope with. I feel so lonely and isolated.
I feel scared to go back to the GP again as I feel like I have failed as a mum. Parents are supposed to be strong and great role models - neither of which I feel.
I just need to know that im not alone in feeling this way. I just think my little one is better off without me :-(

OP posts:
Annals1989 · 02/08/2012 09:48

Yeah she did do everything while he was there but then to be fair when ever I see her the first thing I do is hand my baby girl over!

It's just I feel so isolated when all day I play, sing and talk to my baby getting nothing back (obviously!) then he comes home from work with a face on him as he hates his job, gives me one word answers and moans when he doesn't like what I've cooked for dinner. Makes me feel like something he's stepped in!

In starting to think I'm not going to even bother telling him about my gp appt.

I think we need a session with Jeremy kyle! Xx

OP posts:
PooPooInMyToes · 02/08/2012 09:52

Why wouldn't he approve of the gp appointment?

Annals1989 · 02/08/2012 10:46

I'm not quite sure why he wouldn't like it to be honest. I think it's because he knows they'll put me back on citalopram and he was always against me being on them, even made me come off them once.

I do love him as he is like no one I've ever known but I don't like him at the moment if that makes sense?

I have spoken to his mum about him but didn't go into great detail as I didn't think it was fair for me to sit there slagging off his son so I just gave the rough details. She said she would quietly/discreetly mention it to him but she changed her mind in the end thinking it might make him worse. I kinda see her point.

I've already kinda got a plan in my head if things do go wrong and we do split even though it would be one big mess! But I also just don't want to give up just like that. We are together for a reason because we clicked and had lots of laughs/fun etc. maybe he's suffering from some sort if depression i don't know

OP posts:
RationalBrain · 02/08/2012 10:50

If my dh moaned about dinner (assuming I'd actually cooked it, not him), i wouldn't cook for him any more! Don't stand for it lass.

PooPooInMyToes · 02/08/2012 10:54

Why didn't he like you being on them though and made you come off them?

Was his mum worried that he would be angry that you had spoken to her about it?

Annals1989 · 02/08/2012 10:55

Very good point! Maybe I shouldn't. but then again that would just cause more rows which I don't think I can stand. I'll give it a go though Smile

OP posts:
Annals1989 · 02/08/2012 10:56

Because he thinks pills make everything worse and was worried id be on them forever.

Yes that's exactly what she thought because she knows how he likes to keep things private and not spoken about.

OP posts:
Angelico · 02/08/2012 11:02

Your DP is an utter twunt - so sorry you're going through this. Can you get to the GP sooner - maybe get a cancellation? Keep posting Thanks

Angelico · 02/08/2012 11:04

And btw he might well like things to be kept private - but maybe you could point out that it's not all about fucking him Hmm

Can you tell I hate the man-child type? Hmm

Our first baby will be arriving in a couple of months and my DH would NEVER behave like this. I know I will feel just as overwhelmed as you but the difference will be having some support. Have you RL friends who can help out? I'm sorry about your mum, must be very hard - can your MIL offer more practical support?

2muchtimeonmyhands · 02/08/2012 11:07

Hi, i totally get where your comin from, i was in your place 3 yr ago! I agree with every1 else, go bak 2 the docs, u wont b seen as a failure, my doc was gr8, now i dont need my ads, i even work part time. All parents struggle at 1st, even those who hav loads of support!

RationalBrain · 02/08/2012 11:09

Its easy to make sweeping judgements based on a few scraps of information, but to me he sounds quite controlling. I'd be depressed as well if I was trying to make myself submit to that, especially with a young baby. Is some kind of couples counselling possible? Maybe a 3rd party could open his eyes about shared responsibility etc.

PooPooInMyToes · 02/08/2012 11:10

But YOU are the one who is suffering here not HIM so he doesn't get to decide who YOU talk to about it.

I understand his need for privacy but this concerns you so your needs are just as important.

It seems that too much is about keeping him happy. He doesn't got to set the rules about what medication you can take and who you can speak to. Not even that you must make his dinner which he isn't even grateful for. You have a young baby, its unreasonable of him to expect dinner on the table every night as well, particularly when you have told him how much you are struggling. And then he complains about it! This isn't the 1950s.

His comment about how other mums manage is ridiculous. Lots of other mums have help from their partners, mums and other family.

I only had my partner and i found it hard not having my mum. I imagine you do as well and you don't even have your partner. If anything its like he is trying to sabotage you.

I understand that you don't want to just give up but you can't do it alone. If he's not willing to change, and try, admit he is wrong then you won't be able to do that for him.

It might be that he will never think that he has to help in any way. He has said quite clearly that you should be doing it all as the woman, i can't see anything changing there.

NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown · 02/08/2012 11:13

Annals I've just read through all your posts and I'm really glad to see you're able to see the problem isn't all 'you'. Your OH sounds like more of a hindrance than a help, no wonder you're exhausted. Looking after a baby is the hardest job I've ever had to do and your OH is wrong, other women ARE supported by their OHs, I have no idea how I'd get through it all without mine - even if he'd had a month full of bad days he still does his share around the house and as a parent. It makes a world of difference I can tell you.

Good luck with your appointment. Hopefully just talking things through will help you feel like things will get better. It takes time to get used to being a mum but one day you'll just realise things aren't so hard. Enjoy your baby. I have nothing nice to say about your OH, I just hope he realises what an idiot he's being before he loses you and misses out on his daughter's first few months which are so special

PooPooInMyToes · 02/08/2012 11:17

Because he thinks pills make everything worse and was worried id be on them forever.

Is he a Dr? He thinks? What the feck does he know? And so what if he thinks you'll be on them forever? And so what if you will!?

My Dh takes pills for depression and he probably will be on them for the long term. Its necessary, just like if it was a physical illness and you needed insulin for eg. would he demand that you came off that as well because he doesn't approve!

He is obviously one of those who doesn't "believe" in mental illness and people like that made me want to commit murder.

EightiesOlympicGolds · 02/08/2012 11:22

Posting to add my support. Ignore Mr. Miserable. You're doing well. The first year is all about just surviving IMO. I found it very hard.

Don't see why he gets a say in what meds you take. What would he say if he was prescribed antibiotics and you said 'people get dependent on them and it just makes things worse'? If you need them, you need them. Frankly he sounds more trouble than he's worth. If he doesn't help you, you may as well be on your own.

Annals1989 · 02/08/2012 11:57

Thank you once again for your support/advice/opinions it's good to hear. I'm going to try again tonight to talk to him. I might take the batteries out the remote for the tele so he's got no choice but to either sit there in silence or talk. What do you ladies think about me recording some of our conversation so I can play it back to him when he's all "I'm never horrible, I do everything for you" etc.

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PooPooInMyToes · 02/08/2012 12:28

I would.

RationalBrain · 02/08/2012 12:39

I think if you can't communicate with him (or rather him with you) without bringing out taped proof of previous conversations, then you're banging your head against a brick wall and would be better off out of there! Even if he is behaving like a child, stay grown up yourself....

PooPooInMyToes · 02/08/2012 12:48

Does he actually think he does everything for you?!

SardineQueen · 02/08/2012 13:28

I agree with rational TBH I wouldn't be recording anything either that's how I feel.

Is there anyone you can go and stay with for a few days to get your head together - your dad maybe?

Annals1989 · 02/08/2012 14:13

Yes your right. Recording him would be unnecessary and we should be able to communicate normally!

No my relationship with my dad is an odd one and I even if I went to stay there I wouldn't able to take my baby so not an option really. Thank you for the suggestion though.

OP posts:
SardineQueen · 02/08/2012 14:26

Oh OK, anyone else?

Does your DH know what he is doing here? Is he aware that you are thinking that if he doesn't buck his ideas up then you don't really see what the point is continuing with him?

PooPooInMyToes · 02/08/2012 14:30

It can be very frustrating when you feel your partner is being horrible to you and they deny it. I've had exs like that. I got gaslighted a lot and they would run rings round me. Do you think that's what he does?

If so i can completely understand the need to tape him to prove what you think, but he's denys, is true.

Annals1989 · 02/08/2012 14:40

I told him last night that I don't recognise him anymore and that I'm seriously thinking of leaving and if we didn't have our house together I would have gone. He thinks I don't mean it. Thinks in just being silly. He's completely honest with how he feels and says he is going to live his life the way he wants not change it for me or our girly. He also said he doesn't want to commit to helping with the dinner/washing up.

God I've just realised I could really go on forever giving examples!

Anyway im going to try and speak to him again tonight and I am going to tell him about my gp appt. Then I'm going to have a nice bubble bath. It would have been my mums 53rd birthday today so I'm a little emotional so I hope he doesn't make me feel worse later on Sad

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SardineQueen · 02/08/2012 15:02

Annals I don't know what to say.
You have a little baby and it's all so awful but I don't see how you can stay with this man. You don't actually want to and he's not prepared to give even an inch the sod.

I think you need to be thinking plans, just you know to be prepared.

I am so sorry that your H has turned out to be such a useless shit Angry Sad