Really struggling with motherhood

[Annals1989]

Hi all.
I hope someone can offer some friendly advice. I'm feeling quite fragile to say the least.
I was on citalopram before I fell pregnant, but I was taken off it by the GP because of my pregnancy. Now I'm a mother and things just seem to be getting harder. I thought as your baby gets older its supposed to get easier?? My little girl is 3 months old and things just seem to be getting worse.
I've got no support as my OH is rubbish and says everything is my fault/problem so I need to deal with it (meaning looking after our baby) I'm with her 7 days a week on my own pretty much and I just don't know how much more I can cope with. I feel so lonely and isolated.
I feel scared to go back to the GP again as I feel like I have failed as a mum. Parents are supposed to be strong and great role models - neither of which I feel.
I just need to know that im not alone in feeling this way. I just think my little one is better off without me :-(

I am so sorry you feel so alone and even more sorry that your OH is being so awful. You need support right now and if you are not getting it from him then you really must try and see the doctor. You are your baby's world but you must look after yourself as well as her. Keep posting on MN too as it helps to 'vent' and to see that others are in the same position. You managed to carry your child for 9 months, to give birth to her and to get through the last 12 weeks not to mention being able to get up each morning and that shows what a strong person and a wonderful mother you are but you must get help to keep yourself afloat. All my thoughts are with you right now. Xxx

Hi Annals please dont think your a bad mum. Lots of women feel this way. I took me about 3 years to realise that i had suffered with ppd, at the time i just thought i was being pathetic. I wasn't, i was ill and no-one including me noticed.

I really struggled when my DD was little as my partner did almost nothing too. This lead to my DD always wanting me, as she didnt seem to understand that other people could do this for her too. She is starting to get better at this now, and her dad is getting more involved, but he still doesnt take her out, get her up and dressed or put her to bed.

We split up and month ago, and im hoping that when he moves out and has to look after DD on his own, he will begin to realise how much i have done over the years.

It is really frustrating when there is someone there that can help, but who refuses to do so. I would focus your energies on your DD and getting yourself feeling better. Go to the GP, they deal with this everyday, and will not for one second think you have failed or any of the other worries you may have. Motherhood is hard, and no matter how you try, you can never be truely prepared for it.

This do get easier

Hi Annals, you aren't a bad mother at all. The first few months is a blur and must be especially hard if support isn't there. Go back to the doctor poppet, Citalopram saved my bacon when I couldn't cope with pre-natal depression, and as other people have said, there is nothing that the doctors haven't seen or heard before so if you need it again at the moment, there is no problem with that. They aren't there to judge you, and you need some help to enjoy your DD at the moment.
Can you throw DD in a pram and get out of the house for a walk and a change of scene? Are there parent groups you can join nearby? Or could someone take your DS just for an hour so you can sit in a park and have a coffee and just breath for a bit?
I promise it will get better. Your DD is about to get a whole lot more interesting and interactive and that will bring a big smile to your face too. Vent on here, remember that you aren't alone in feeling like this. Take care.

Hi, I am another mum who is suffering from PND and taking sertraline (which is helping) and I have a husband who IS helping, so you are doing so well to be coping on your own. I know how you feel as I have been there too. Sorry that your OH is not understanding how you feel, but do try and get help from wherever is best for you whether it's Dr or HV or family/friend.
Hope things start to look up for you soon, my DC2 is 11 weeks and it does get easier - I have DC1 who is 3 and we have both survived it

I've got an appointment with the gp on the 13th x

Annals... I so feel for you.... Maybe ur Hubby just doesn't know what to do... as many men don't... and it's his strange way of coping.... Being A mom is the hardest job in the world... There is no let up... but it is also the most rewarding job... Depression is a silent hell... u need to see ur doctor for sure... however i found that self help books also were good for me... The doctor could give you a,list that are also available from your local library... ( It may be difficult fitting in the time to read them ... but could be worth it...) If all else fails... throw it at ur Hubby... only kidding... Please try to get out and have people around you... i found that a therapy in itself... it will make you realize ...ur not alone... in fact there are probably more in the same kin of situation than not... Chin up hun... Just keep cuddling ur little angel... she need's you... xx

Annals Well done for making that appointment.

Do try and talk to your OH in the meantime though. You do need help from him, and there may be a good reason why he's acting like a dick!

I felt like such a rubbish mother (even when I could see that none of us can do it perfectly, I still felt like a failure). My DH didn't get it and just thought getting practical help from family and others would do the trick. He didn't understand how I felt and just wanted to find practical solutions. It felt so lonely and I really wondered about my marriage. As I said above, practical things he could do that helped made a difference (even though I felt resentful that as a grown man he couldn't see the blindly obvious that needed doing eg undo dishwasher/dress baby etc).

I felt so so lonely and incapable of telling anyone how things really were but crying in front of the GP and HV and being reassured by both helped. As did counselling (10 sessions on the NHS which started within about 4 weeks of referral- apparently patients with PND are prioritised) and the sertraline.

Good luck w GP and look after yourself. And in the meantime, come and vent on MN - I think it should be recommended in all ante natal classes!

We really struggled in the beginning and my DP was not helpful. He just didn't 'get' it and we were both completely unprepared for the sleeplessness and sheer responsibility of a dependent newborn. There were days when I though "who is this man?"

It got better as baby got older and they formed their own bond, DP began to realise what goes into caring for DS and why I felt as protective and intense as I did, which I think was academic for him in the early days.

DS is now nearly two and we are much much better. he is a wonderful hands-on Dad who gets up in the night if DS cries, does every second morning and most bedtimes.

A lot of couples really struggle with the early months and adjusting to parenthood, I am NOT excusing your DP's behaviour but I do think it's a tough and demanding time in your relationship and there is a strong chance it will get better. Could you show him this thread?

It's so comforting to hear other stories and how you ladies coped, so thank you for that if I showed my OH this thread I dread to think what would happen. To say he'd go mad is an understatement. I don't know how im even going to tell him about the Gp appt on the 13th. He hated it last time I was on citalopram and hates me confiding in anyone....not sure why. His sister was round last night and she witnessed some of his behaviour and gave him a clip around the ear!

Like you say, I'm not going to make any hasty decisions about our relationship but something needs to be sorted and soon. Hopefully our chat later will go well. I'm going to turn the tv off so he actually has to listen to me!

I hope your conversation with him goes well. I can't begin to imagine what is motivating him to behave the way he is.

Let us know how it goes if you would like, also the relationships board is good if you need to talk about DH.

i am not surprised you are depressed TBH.

Well it's nearly 9pm and we haven't yet spoken. He's drinking a cider and watching the Olympics. I've told him I'd like to talk etc but he seems to face blanked it out.
Now I've made the gp appt I actually cant wait to go and get this sorted.
Going to wash up now and sort bottles out etc. Then maybe bed time...yawn

Well that couldn't have give any worse. Ended up with him shouting and me crying im not going to go into detain as would be here all night! Didn't even bother telling him about my gp appt. the things he has just said have hurt so much and been a kick in the teeth. In the end I snapped saying "if we were in rented accommodation i would have been gone by now. It's just his complete refusal to even try and support me that hurts and the thing is he knows me and knows I only ever ask for help if I really need it. His exact words "what do other women do? They don't get support from their partners. You're clearly just not cut out for this job" ouch sorry this post had just ended up being all about him!

All I've got in my mind right this minute is getting myself sorted so I can do the best I can for my baby girl. How I'll feel tomorrow will probably be completely different! Xx

He's being a wanker, and he is very, very, VERY wrong. when my DH gets home from work at 6pm he does everything for the kids til they go to bed, and then comes down and washes up from dinner and tidied the kitchen...when the youngest dc was still waking in the night my DH would also get up with both children every morning to give me an extra hour in bed and get DD ready for school. He's a real mans man too.

Your DP needs to wake up and start respecting you. If he hasn't had your DD on his own for a couple of hours then he needs to, to realise just how intensive it all is.

Feeling good this morning. My little girl is having a nap which she rarely does do I've just had cuppa and caught up in my book :-)

Im sorry i don't know how to put it politely . . . you're dh is a useless nasty cunt.

Deliberately trying to wake the baby, telling you that you are no good at being a mum, complete and utter lack of support, help and understanding, refusing to even let you discuss it with other people . . . I could go on.

I agree that it sounds like you would cope much better without him around.

Im sorry that he has turned out to be such a pathetic man. Out of interest, was there any sign before you had a child that he was of the opinion that babies are 100% the responsibility of their mum?

Where do you live?

Not really we didn't really talk about it. I just said I'd expect help from him at weekends when he's not working and he agreed.

And does he help at weekends?

Not really. He may hold her while I get dressed or make a bottle up but that's about it. I will say he took her round his mums house on Sunday just gone for a couple of hours because I think I had actually reached my stress limit. He didn't face much of a choice as I was in such a state!

And his mum did it all i assume?

So he doesn't even give her a bottle?

Its no wonder you are so stressed. Doing the same thing all day ever day, and night, will send you loopy! And babies are really, really, exhaustingly demanding!

Do you think that his mum has always done everything in his family so that's why he thinks its your job? Not that it would make it ok.

I don't normally chip in on relationship problems, but I was so moved by your thread, I had PND and a husband who was supportive, so I think you are doing fantastic under extremely horrible circumstances. I think you hit the nail on the head up thread when you said that you suddenly realised that it's not motherhood your struggling with but your relationship. I think if you had a supportive partner or were on your own you feel a whole lot different.

I can tell you that he is utterly wrong. Men do support their partners, especially when their partners are ill or tired or stressed, and they also look after their own children.

The ones who don't are the ones who get posted about on the relationships board.

I don't know what to suggest - this isn't an area I know much about! The people on relationships would have more of an idea what to do.

But what i can tell you is that his attitude is disgraceful, and NOT normal, he is treating you terribly, and the baby, and I am not surprised you are depressed. What does he give you in your life? Do you love him? do you like him? What is the point of him, is there anything positive or is he just treating you like crap and ruining your mental health?

I know that sounds harsh but I am SO ANGRY about it on your behalf.

Op, you have hit the nail on the head. It's your OH who is your problem. No, other mums do not do it all with no support (unless single, but then they don't have to look after a useless selfish twunt of a partner as well).

It sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do, can you talk to his mum, and get some support from her? It might also be wise to quietly evaluate your financial position and get your paperwork in order.

i think sometimes having a baby brings out the worse in men. My DH was a bit like this when my first dd was born. i felt very isolated and lacked confidence. he made me feel like a failure because the housework wasn't getting done and said things like 'what do you do all day'. Is he jealous of your relatiohship with your baby and he has been put on the back burner.

however reading what you have said your DH doesn sound mean.

you sound lovely. go back and see your GP. you are not a failure.