My DP probably has AS. Not sure I can live with it.

[NotSureICanCarryOn]

Not sure if this thread belongs more to this section or realtionships but hpe that people here will be able to give me some advice on AS rather than the relationship itself.
I have been with DP for nearly 20years and we 3 dcs together. The last few years since we've had the dcs have been very hard. Lots of sould searching but I have come to the conclusion that DP is somewhere on the spectrum.

I have come accross a description of NT/AS couple as these 2 persons being like a rose and a cactus, both living such a different life, in such different environment that it is very hard for the rose to adapt to the cactus way of life.
She is becoming dry and hard and longs for the garden she was living in before.

That's where I am now. I feel that I am loosing sight of who I am. I feel something important is missing in my life but at the same time, I still love DP and wants to make it work.

Any advise on how to cope when you are an NT/AS couple?

My dh is somewhere on the spectrum and sometimes I want to stick him behind the wall paper and push a wardrobe in front of it. But I love him to bits and he is who he is. If he had any different kind of disability I would love him too and live with it.

Is there anything in particular that gets you down? With me it's generally him needing so much time on his own (playing games) and being so difficult with my emotions (when I was healing from child abuse he was not the one whose shoulder I cried on most).

Things that get me down?

• the amount of time he spends in his hobbies, completely forgetting to ask if that's OK with me (both are things that take him the whole day)
• I have no idea who he is and what he things.
• Recurring misunderstandings. Some of his reactions are hurtful (on an NT pov) but he doesn't see it. And at the same time, his actions aren't always appropriate to the situation, even though I know he is doing his best.
• the gap between what our relation is and what I would describe as 'necessary' in a good relationship.

And no he is completely unable to deal with emotions or be supportive (which was a major problem when I had PND....)

Anything that makes you chuckle too? DH can have these things that make me laugh. We had just bought a new camera and I needed somewhere to write down the phone number of an emergency dentist that NHS direct was giving me so I wrote it on the front of the camera instruction booklet. DH was apoplectic. Because that was just wrong. You Can't Write On Books!'.

For me life makes more sense since we've identified the cause of certain behaviours and I don't get so stressed. eg when we've had a busy day with people round he then needs to withdraw when they are gone as he's overwhelmed. So I have the choice: I can clear up on my own or wait until the next morning when he will help me.

I think it's important to realise that he is still the person you fell in love with and had children with, whatever the label. I do more on my own/with ds than i like. I often see friends on my own but that's the way it is. He has a very people focused job that he is brilliant at and he can only spend that energy once.

It works better with clear plans, for us Tuesday afternoon is out with the 3 of us, Friday evening is the two of us together.

I think work with it not fight it is my best advice.

I am afraid I have lost my sense of humour a long time ago. :(
Label isn't an issue. For me at least, it's a help. DP has no idea though. not even sure I can broach the subject with him as I now his first reaction would be to get defensive.

Probably the best way to describe how I feel is the title of a book on asperger:'Alone together'.
That's how I feel alone, little connexion with my partner.

Can I live with it? Well for the last 20 years I have found ways around it. I see friends on my own. DP has his own hobbies. I have developped my own interests and learnt not to take too much notice of DP comments (You are doing what? That's stupid!) because at some point, he will be coming rond (even though sometimes it takes a good few years). I am the one organizing holidays etc...
But I can't help and wonder if there isn't much to life than that.

Would you consider relationship counselling?

I'm curious as to why, after 20 years together, it's suddenly become a problem. After all if he has Aspergers he's not suddenly changed, he's always had it. Why is it a problem only now?

Also, you mentioned your dh getting defensive. Sometimes these guys can be complicated. My dh will not tolerate me using his aspieness as an excuse for anything rather sees himself in a negative light.

fedup I can see two reasons for that (there probably are more)

Most of us get set in our ways when we get older, aspies probably more so

and

Family dynamics change, personal needs change, but Aspies are not great at going with the flow.

oh and a 3rd

If your needs are persistently not being met it starts to grate more over time.

What makes you think he has AS rather than just being selfish/a twat/abusive etc.?

I know a number of couples where the DH has AS, and whilst the DH makes many 'mistakes' that can sometimes upset their family, it is quite clear to me and to their wives that they very much love their wives and family. If anything I'd say they were a bit 'too intense' in working hard to work out what is going on and 'do the right thing'.

starshit what makes you think our partners ARE selfish/a twat/abusive

Mine certainly isn't thank you

I didn't say that.

Maybe you only meant OP's DP, but we're talking about the same problem so...

Anyway, it's hard enough to make people understand autism without bringing twat etc into it. I have a close friend who is very protective of me and feels DH doesn't spend enough time with me. He's one of the few people in RL who knows and it's hard that he doesn't 'get it'.

I know that autism is hard for many to understand.

There is nothing in the OP that makes me think her DP has autism and I have considerable concern about a 'trend' developing and excuses for the poor behaviour of men, by ameteur diagnosis of an ASD when in fact they are just twats.

Selfishness/ignorance/neglect etc are attributes that have nothing to do with ASD. Some people with ASD 'can' be like that, but so can people who do not have ASD.

Oh I didn't expect so may answers when I got back!

To clarify, AS hasn't 'sudddenly' become a problem. It has been for some time, more precisely since the our first dc was born 10 years ago.
We then had some very very rough years and have managed to come out of it about 2 years ago, mainly because I started to get some understanding that it could be AS so I changed my behaviour and avoided quite a few triggers incl talking when very emtional, stop asking him for things he cannot give me (eg having long conversations).
All of which helped. A lot.
But as we are not in a 'survival' situation anymore and things have settled down, I am left with a 'Is that it?' feeling. I feel just as alone as when things were bad mainly because in my eyes we only share very supercial things. Not our deep feelings or ideas. As I said before, 20 years on and I still have no idea who he really is.
I am also sad. Sad to be in that situation. Sad to see him struggling and not managing to 'make me happy'. It's not that he doesn't love me but he just 'gets it wrong' sometimes and I can see the hurt on his face when it does happen. :(

DP has no idea about AS. I wouldn't dream to have a chat about it. The defensiveness has always been there. A slight comment is taken in a negative way as a very personal attack. If I was talking about AS, I think he would take it as a personal attack, a very negative comment about who he is.

I would consider relationship counselling. Not sure of DP would. And not sure if it would help either tbh.

Star I can totally understand where you are coming from. Self diagnosis can have some very dark side and isn't always helpful.
I could try and expain all the different symptoms etc.... but it really comes down to one things. AS is the one and only thing that rings true when I read any description of peole behaviour and the way it affects their partners. And taking that into account has been the only thing that made a difference in our relationship.

Not Sure - i think you do need to speak to him about it. I got DH to do an 'online' test and he definitely has aspergers traits, which he himself recognises when pointed out to him. He also has many time consuming hobbies, says inappropriate things without regard to social norms/expectations.

We refer to is as his asparagus syndrome (apologies if this upsets/belittles it to anyone) as it means we can bring it up without being very 'heavy'. BIL and nephew have diagnoses, and FIL is very definitely on the spectrum too.

Sorry to hear he can't make you 'happy'. So hard when it sounds like he is trying too

FWIW I can see AS very easily in the OP's description.

OP I had not realised that your DP doesn't know that you suspect him of having AS.

Yes I have thought about doing a test with him.
I have also though that seeing a counsellor with some knowledge of AS might be a good way to point him out in that direction.

But sometimes the reality is that the issue is more with myself than with him. The issue is that I am not sure I can live like this. All the books I've read talk about how the NT partner can do X or Y to make things easier. 'Learn to detach yourself', 'Learn to give them some space' etc...
So little about the AS partner that could go 'Learn to listen to your partner', 'Learn to tell them what are your plans' or 'Learn to tell your DP what you are struggling with' (eg planning holidays).

I feel I've spread myself very thin already. Not sure I have enough left to do more effort, being more attentionate to his needs etc...

Sorry I can see my posts are very negative....

In some ways, the AS was great because it gave some explaination to the whys and the hows.

The realization that it means some things will never change is really starting to down on me. And with it, all the questions, the 'can I do it?' and 'is it worth it?'

My dh is coming to the end of a long period of counselling with a very experienced therapist and he is learning to say that he's panicking about xyz. And it helps. And when I propose something, or change a plan he will say 'oh' and I know I just need to give him a minute for what he calls grinding gear changes. And then it's fine.

Lots can be done. but not if your dp is kept in the dark.

I agree with MadMouse re being kept 'in the dark'

Also, i think if DH morphs into FIL as he gets older, i will be struggling too

DP has already started to morph...
When we go to see my PIL we always have these very big silence around the table/in the living room where no one says a word..... (FIL is on the spectrum too, prob even more clearly than DP). The conversation having gone to the different 'acceptable' subjects has now dried up and stopped.
DP is doing that too...

So I suppose the answer is: DP needs to know.
Can I ask how your DH/DP learnt about the AS?
What was their reaction?

DH's best friend got a clued up partner and she felt he was on the spectrum. He sure is. I knew nothing about AS at the time.

I don't know how it happened, we talked about it and agreed that dh has strong traits (He refuses to say he has AS, and I don't think he has the full blown thing). We did the online test, both of us, and I scored 3 and he scored 37.

I can't really remember. I guess when DNephew was diagnosed it was easier to talk about. We had also done the online personality typing tests - leader, thinker etc, so easy enough to say 'oh lets just try this and see'

Does he know he/his father is 'difficult/different' especially wrt social interations?