My DP probably has AS. Not sure I can live with it.

[NotSureICanCarryOn]

Not sure if this thread belongs more to this section or realtionships but hpe that people here will be able to give me some advice on AS rather than the relationship itself.
I have been with DP for nearly 20years and we 3 dcs together. The last few years since we've had the dcs have been very hard. Lots of sould searching but I have come to the conclusion that DP is somewhere on the spectrum.

I have come accross a description of NT/AS couple as these 2 persons being like a rose and a cactus, both living such a different life, in such different environment that it is very hard for the rose to adapt to the cactus way of life.
She is becoming dry and hard and longs for the garden she was living in before.

That's where I am now. I feel that I am loosing sight of who I am. I feel something important is missing in my life but at the same time, I still love DP and wants to make it work.

Any advise on how to cope when you are an NT/AS couple?

DP has never mentioned anything about his dad being different.
He would prob more see him as someone who doesn't talk a lot.

I will need to find a way to talk about this subject with him.

Good luck with it

I do think it is worth raising, even if the result forces your hand as to what you then do . Worth a try IMO.

It's really hard. I found a good subset of the NAS which was devoted to partners of those on the spectrum and that helped. Dh has a great sense of humour and we share common.interests, broader than his obsessions. But as soon as things get stressful the behaviour is more extreme, as it is un anyone, we all revert to type.

You need a lot of patience, determination, a sense of humour and critically imv a real.sense thata lot of what happens or is said is not personal. Realising that has helped a lot, though I still get hurt.

But my dh's qualities are so special that I am lucky, and I know he puts up with a lot from me. In the old days he would just have been regarded as eccentric, the absent minded professor. And noone would have expected anything else. Whereas now we do, I do. It's hard for him too.

Octopus you've hit the nail on the head.

Going down that route means at least another time of very high stress. It means that DP will be very difficult to live with and tbh I am not sure I have the strength for that. I've had 8 years of swimming up stream and I am very much inclined to just let it be.

The day to day stuff is OK so I can burry my head in the sand for a bit longer .

I suppose it is also about the same sort of realization that one would have if their DP had been seriously injured. Yo try your best to help him recover. You are there trying different techniques, procedures. You support them all the way. And then one day it hits you. They are not going to get better than that. They will always which will take away an important part of your relationship.
I am coming to the realization that this is what is happening with me. We had some nice years together wo the dcs. I was very independant and not too fussed about 'connexion'. We were also in the honey moon period where everything is all rosy. Then we had the dcs, I have run the house on my own (DP wasn't there anyway, away either for work or for his hobbies). I ended up so tired that dr diagnosed me with ME (Not sure it was tbh). Now things are better. P is calmer, present and I have some energy back. But the reaization that my relationship will never ever be what I envisaged is difficult to accept.

spendthrift really sums it up for me. That's how I feel about things. Including the absent minded professor bit.

Sarah Hendrickx here and her partner Keith Newton are very encouraging people to read or better still, meet.

Tony Attwood is upbeat about Aspergers, too: The Complete Guide.

Sorry if you already know about them. I have found other books very depressing, whereas these writers make me feel much better.

Spendthrift, does that subset of the NAS still exist, please?

Yy about the absent minded professor.

Cussandroid thanks for the links. I will have a look. I can really do with a more optimistic pov tbh, rather than a long list of what I should do, shouldn't do to make it easier for my partner.

My Dp isn't the absent minded professor. He is more of the very taciturn, not a lot of words type of man. Would probably be happy living in a burrow, lost in the middle of the woods.....

What is NAS?

National Autistic Society - spendthrift said: "I found a good subset of the NAS which was devoted to partners of those on the spectrum and that helped."

Here. Can't see quite where Spendthrift is talking about, though.

I think it was a link to a lecture given by tony attwood, from memory. I'll do a search and see what I can find.

But I also know that the local branch of the NAS runs courses for partners, including partners of people who refuse to recognise it.

If I can't find the link, perhaps we should ask MNHQ if we could have a specific thread. There are enough of us who need a helping hand from time to time, it seems to me, and especially because the first years are so hard, before you realise that it is not intentional behaviour designed to hurt or control. And then you have to decide whether on balance you can cope.

Op, I really feel for you.

Had two typical examples today

1. We bought a very detailed, complicated wall sticker (about 3 by 2 feet) and dh spent 2.5 hours so painstakingly fix it perfectly straight and smooth to the wall. It looks amazing.

2. I just told dh not to put the empty fruit juice carton in the bin. He was very surprised to hear it goes in recycling. He did believe me when I told him I have told him many times before. But until last year or so cartons went in the bin so..

Phew, I wasn't mad. Go into the NAS site, then living with autism, then look for parents relatives and carers, then partners. There are faqs, recommended reading etc and links to your local branches. The majority of the faqs have applied to us at one stage or another.

Mad, I've been spending the last two years explaining that waxed or laminated paper does not go into recycling, even though yes, it js paper based and yes, doubtless there is a mechanism to remove the surface.

I can't stand this daily mail type diagnosis - sorry op maybe you are right but star is quite correct that there have been loads of threads talking negatively about their dhs and suggesting as is the reason. I'm sure you can get why that pisses off those of uss who have been on a long journey and assessment processes with our children.

notactually I don't see how your arduous journey (and I know it is, I belong to a group of SN parents and I hear how hard it is) has anything to do with this.

Quite apart from the fact that it is not always easy for adults to get a diagnosis as they are well out of the education system, it is also possible for 2 reasonably intelligent (or in our case one intelligent and one frightfully intelligent ((that's dh)) ) adults to work out that one of them has strong AS traits.

It is much more crystallised out in adults, they are no longer in their formative years.

But it is become a bit of a trend on mumsnet recently to decide that ones dh has AS. That s all. And in this case, its not 2 people deciding; the op's dh doesn't know what she thinks. Anyhow, was just pointing out the sensitive side of this - it gets a bit wearing reading my marriage is horrid, it must be as. Will hide thread.

I agree with notactuallyme and starshit.

Maybe I am taking this too personally. Sorry.

Thanks so much, spendthrift.

Here's the link. In fact there's a video of Sarah Hendrickx.

I agree with Madmouse re diagnosis. It's not always an adult's choice to get a formal diagnosis.

I would like to clarify something.

The reason this thread is NOT in relationship is because I am NOT saying how hard and difficult my realtionship is. I am NOT saying how awful my DP is.
I am talking about MY problems in front of something that I am 100% convinced is AS.

I do get that some people will say 'oh my partner has AS' as an excuse but what I really wanted to avoid is to take to 'prove' that I am not stupid/crazy and that I can make an educated guess at what is happening in my relationship (You've probably noticed that I have avoided to talk about what DP does or doesn't do).

It is also a very difficult subject to approach with your partner because it is very likely to create a lot of tension and stresses. Some people do find relief in knowing about AS but quite a lot of people also reject the diagnosis or even to consider it. This is something I do have to take into account in the way I am approaching things with my DP because what it actually means is that by raising the subject I am also taking the risk to destroy what we have (which might not be what I was expecting from a parternish but ceratinly isn'y bad). And that's not even taking into account the fact that I love him (and he loves me).

I also knew that, by posting in the relationship board, I would get that sort of comments 'Oh but you have no idea. That's not AS, that him a twat.' Sorry but when he does something that he obviouly thinks is OK or actually nice but that I find hurtful, I can see the pain on his face. We are both hurt by the situation and one of us needs to start to get the ball rolling, even if it means I am starting on my own.

I have also noticed that people who have a diagnosis of AS or who have children on the autistic spectrum get annoyed at 'all these people that say they have AS when they don't have a proper diagnosis' because it means that some behaviours that are not AS are then wrongly associated with it. It is also never nice to hear that because you have or are X or Y, it makes things more difficult.
But do you also get that by rejecting those people, saying that 'it's wearing and so annoying that you 'have' to hide the thread, you are also hurting people who are in a situation where one partner has undiagnosed AS and are struggling with it? Do you realize that with this attitude, you are stopping some people to get some help for themselves and for their partner because they are at the start of their journey, discovering and learning to deal with it?

Sorry but really at that sort of comment too!

Well done OP! x

Just to add one paragraph that seems to be missing (NOt sure what happened there).

Do you really think that all poeple who say 'I think that my DP has AS' are all ignorant people who hav read 2 lines about AS and then decided that is it? Don't you think that I can't be making an educated guess, based on reading material from reliable sources such as the NAS and others?
Don't you think that before saying something like this, I haven't wondered and pondered. It actually has taken me 3 years of reading, wondering, evaulating, having some critical look at my conclusins to be sure I wasn't making it up.
3 years....
Do you think that's enough time of reflexion before I can say 'I believe my DP has AS. Can I get some support please?'

Yes my son has ASD and yes I do get a bit irked at people who 'self' diagnose others ie their DH/DP

The thing that is annoying is that a lot of the time its done to explain negative abusive behaviors, not the other stuff that is also part of autism...just the horrible parts. its annoying and I wont make any apologies for that, I also dont think its particularly helpful to genuine undiagnosed adults.

I know you have just said theres lots you havent said but from this;

To clarify, AS hasn't 'sudddenly' become a problem. It has been for some time more precisely since the our first dc was born 10 years ago
We then had some very very rough years and have managed to come out of it about 2 years ago, mainly because I started to get some understanding that it could be AS so I changed my behaviour and avoided quite a few triggers incl talking when very emtional, stop asking him for things he cannot give me (eg having long conversations)
All of which helped. A lot

That sounds like someone who has struggled with being a parent or the changes that brings to the dynamics of a relationship not someone who is on the spectrum.

The changes in your behavior you have described sound like tip toeing round an abusive partner.

I may well be utterly wrong in what ive just got from what you have written above, but thats just one way of looking at it.

I suppose what you're saying, Amberleaf, is that there are no AS/NT couples except where the AS partner has a formal diagnosis.

Nope not at all.

I think theres a high chance I am on the spectrum, my Dad too. Im also very much aware how hard it is to get a diagnosis as an adult, so I dont think that at all and if thats how you took what ive said then you're missing the point hugely.

I dont know, it just seems in lots of instances like this one, it seems to arise out of what would be described as abusive behavior in any other circumstances, I mean that if you didnt know about ASD you would just say 'yes that is abusive behavior'

Id be interested to hear of other areas where behaviors typical of someone with ASD are presenting rather than what has already been outlined.

What sort of support are you hoping for OP? have you looked into diagnosis for adults?

I would ask what his parents/family say about the way he is, but you said its become an issue in the last 10 yrs, was everything 'normal' up to then?

amber I think you are missing a point.
If you think I can not makrvan educated judgement on my dp, hoe can you say that you think my relationship Is abusive with the very little that I have said? What is giving you the right to say that but I can't give an opinion abiut my dp who I have been living with for years?

I will not answer you question and try and defend myself. To start with, you kbow It can he tricky to get a diagnosis right with the petson In front of you. I am failing to see how you could If Iam right in my evuation or.not.

But more to the point, I am at the start of a journey that. might see my dp being diagnosed. Or him recognizing the symptoms, or him just refusing to see any problem.
The help I need is to start this process. The help I need is to see that there is some hope and It is worth fighting for.

What i don't need Is to have to justify myself. To give some proofs that will probably never be enough. To feel judged. To feel that my opinion isn't good enough to be believed. That I can not possibly make an educated judgement on what Is going on my life.