My DP probably has AS. Not sure I can live with it.

[NotSureICanCarryOn]

Not sure if this thread belongs more to this section or realtionships but hpe that people here will be able to give me some advice on AS rather than the relationship itself.
I have been with DP for nearly 20years and we 3 dcs together. The last few years since we've had the dcs have been very hard. Lots of sould searching but I have come to the conclusion that DP is somewhere on the spectrum.

I have come accross a description of NT/AS couple as these 2 persons being like a rose and a cactus, both living such a different life, in such different environment that it is very hard for the rose to adapt to the cactus way of life.
She is becoming dry and hard and longs for the garden she was living in before.

That's where I am now. I feel that I am loosing sight of who I am. I feel something important is missing in my life but at the same time, I still love DP and wants to make it work.

Any advise on how to cope when you are an NT/AS couple?

I'm in a similar position. With regard to Spendthrift's post above of 20.32, I'm just sending you a PM, Notsure etc. Hope that's OK.

I'm in a similar position too.

I can relate to the absent minded professor comments above (especially as this actually is DH's job), also spendthrift's comment .... But as soon as things get stressful the behaviour is more extreme, as it is for anyone, we all revert to type.

Just been reading Alone Together from K Bentley.
So many things that rung true, others that clarify what Is going on. But more importantly, she has given me back the hope that you can do something and see things getting better. Even down to connecting emotionally again. :)

I do think that the arrival of a new, demanding unpredictable person in the relationship is likely to exacerbate trends that could be ignored before. We are exceptionally lucky in several things, first that although dh didn't want to be present at birth he was and was first to hold baby (I made him) and has adored Ds silently ever since. Secondly he read ( I made him) the curious incident and had the self knowledge to recognise that the narrator was like him. He found it quite powerful, and read it from a completely different angle from the one that Ds and I did. Thirdly I made him research AS a bit to help a friend of ours.

After all of this, and a bit if discussion that went " but that's why you are so knowledgable about trains/Wagner/football/game theory" he was able to accept that he is not only highly academic but also somewhere on the spectrum, as was his father. Beyond that we haven't gone, but it has liberated both of us, because in effect expectations have changed and we can operate a no blame culture.

I have to say that it is still really really hard s lot of the time, and my rage and hurt in our early years have done lasting damage to both of us. I wish that I had known now about AS before I married him, and if not possible I had come to MN and found out more sooner. We would all be happier.

So symoathy

Sympathy, op. And good luck and keep posting.

Ps, Mrs B, thanks for correcting my tying. I'm rubbish at it, esp from my phone. Love the name, btw.

Typing!

Notsure

I did not say I think your relationship is abusive! I said that is one way of looking at it based on what you wrote and in the absence of anything else [as you didnt want to disclose any further]

What i don't need Is to have to justify myself. To give some proofs that will probably never be enough. To feel judged. To feel that my opinion isn't good enough to be believed. That I can not possibly make an educated judgement on what Is going on my life

Ok.

I will not answer you question and try and defend myself

Again....ok.

Good luck with it all OP

amber

I think you might have missed the point of my post (or you have choosen not to address it).

The main point of my post was that, by been faced with strong reactions, such as the ones of yourself and other posters that get annoyed because about the premise of the thread, people will stop from posting about this subject (from the reasons I highlighted in my last post ie feeling judged etc...).

That means people who are living with undiagnosed AS partner will NOT received the help they and their partner deserve.
That means that couples who might have been able to build a better understanding and learn to communicate in more appropriate ways, will not and will decide instead to split up.

Since I have strated this thread, I have actually received a few PM from people in similar situation who would not post directely on here because they think they will get a hard time :(.
And that is NOT right.

^That means people who are living with undiagnosed AS partner will NOT received the help they and their partner deserve
That means that couples who might have been able to build a better understanding and learn to communicate in more appropriate ways, will not and will decide instead to split up^

How does it? how does what I think/feel from my own experiences affect what sort of help you will get?

Thats why I asked what sort of help you are looking for.

Re 'strong reactions' the reason I and other parents have strong reactions is because we live with ASD, our children will live with it forever and we/them face the stigma that it carries and the stereotypes about it.

Whether or not this applies to you is one thing, but yes I get fed up with seeing it bandied around and as I said before associated with negative abusive behaviors in adult men.

But hey, your needs/feelings obviously trump mine and any other parent of a child with ASD.

You are perfectly entitled to post what you like of course, I am also entitled to respond.

I think you are wrong to dismiss what me and others have said as 'annoying' though. We have genuine concerns and no I havent missed your point, I just dont agree with it.

''But hey, your needs/feelings obviously trump mine and any other parent of a child with ASD.''

Amberleaf that statement is ridiculous, totally bananas. What the OP feels has no bearing on you or anyone else, they are just her feelings. She is in no way responsible for what parents with ASD kids think or feel.

You've been tactless and while you may not have said you thought OP's dp was abusive the tone of your posts has suggested the same. No wonder the OP gets defensive, heck you make me defensive. And I'm really secure in my rock solid marriage with what I know to be someone with strong traits.

I (and I'm sure OP too) appreciate that there may be posters on MN who clutch at straws not wanting to accept that their abusive dp is indeed abusive. Learning to accept that you are in an abusive relationship is a long, difficult and incredibly painful process and yes you do try to find other explanations (I know, from experience, pre-dh).

Non of that reflects on a case where the OP genuinly wants to find out about being NT with a possible AS partner.

No my feelings aren't more important than yours. And I I DO live with this issue everyday remember?

I haven't said that anyone is annoying. That was the word used by another poster talking about my assumption re DP.

And I can tell you lots of very good things about DP (he is funny, trustworthy, very reliable, calm in circumstances where I can sometimes panick etc...).
I actually haven't said anything bad about DP. I certainly haven't said that some of his behaviors are due to AS and are abusive!

I just said I am finding hard to live with him because we work from very diffrent pov. He is in his head, and answer from rational pov. I react from my heart and intuition.

However, you will struggle to find people on here who will go on and on about how fantastic their DP is because they have AS. Or people looking for diagnosis for AS because of their good qualities. Only because what motivates people to post/look for diagnostic are the difficulties, not the good sides.
I doubt for example that one would look for a diganosis because they are so good at their job thanks to being very meticulous and attentionate to details.

I can see how this is hard though.

And how hard it is to deal with prejudices (the same prejudices that currently stop me from speaking to my DP because I know he will take it badly....).
And the same prejudice that made me wonder if it was worth having a proper diagnosis for dc2 and if dealing with him with the knowledge of AS wouldn't be enough (I have decided to go for diagnosis btw but I really made me wonder if it was worth it)

So yes I kown....

But I also can see other people around who don't ask for help because of the stigma. Stigma from the prejudice associated to AS. And stigma because they don't have a diagnosis yet so aren't supposed to say 'my DP has AS'.
The reality though is that it's usually people around the AS person who will spot the signs, raise the subject and start the process.
Perhaps it wouold also be nice to support these peole who are at the start of their journey. One they think there is an issue with AS but don't know for certain.

This is where I am. This where a lot of other peole are.

But when I asked, I was told that I couldn't say he might have AS, that it was 'Daily Mail diagnosis'.
:(:(

I can see both sides..tbh someone said "living with someone with AS is like a beautiful rose living with a cactus"...my DD has ASD and is the sweetest person you can imagine, nothing like a cactus...such analogies are very offensive..I know the OP did not say that though.

actually, sorry, I reread and the OP DID say that.....I have only half woken up and must have got thread confused...IMO if you start the thread with that analogy you cannot be surprised when people get a bit upset with you, that analogy has been haunting me for days.

Fanjo that's assuming that roses are actually more beautiful/worthwhile/acceptable than cacti. Have you ever seen a desert cactus flower? I think by getting upset at this analogy you just confirm society's prejudices as to what is good/nice etc.

I didn't think that Rose/cactus analogy meant good/bad at all, just different.

Fanjo, please don't think that by talking about the communication issues someone like me has with an AS DH, I and others on this thread are in any way being derogatory about your sweet DD.

Actually my DH is sweet quite often too.

madmouse..well to me it was clear that it wasn't meant as a beautiful cactus flower, hence I did not like the analogy here :)

ok if we swap "chalk and cheese" for "rose and cactus" I have no issue with it.

FWIW I do have sympathy for you and it mustn't be easy, if your brains are both "wired differently" to each others, as I see it.

I think spending all day on hobbies and having to 'withdraw' and let you clear up on your own are just him!

Really not sure how much of that is AS...

rosettes the needing to withdraw and clearing up on my own was me and not the OP. And if you'd read it carefully you would have seen that he is always happy to help later on when he's restored order in his head. If i want to clear up straight away I have to do it on my own. I can't see the problem with it. Don't judge what you don't understand.

I do understand as one of my children has AS.

mad sorry some xpost with you.

The story of the rose and the cactus isn't from me. It is coming from the book I mentioned before 'Alone together'. This is really an analogy between two plants that are different and living in different enviroment. It never crossed my mind it could be offending because it associates AS people with a cactus ... Especially because I would never think about my dp AS a cactus, or being spikey, unapproachable or whatever.
fanjo , you did realize I have a dc who is currently asking for diagnosis re AS. Do you really think I would have described two persons I love, my dp and my dc, with very negatice connotations?
Just shows how sensitive this subject Is.

amber is right that I haven't clearly stated what sort help I want. I wanted to test the waters before really talking about my problems. I now know I cannot possibly talk about them AS I will obviously be upsetting people.

I suppose this thread will also serve the purpose to warn people that MN isn't the place for talking about relationships difficulty and AS.

Xpost again!

Amberleaf that statement is ridiculous, totally bananas. What the OP feels has no bearing on you or anyone else, they are just her feelings She is in no way responsible for what parents with ASD kids think or feel

But my feelings are barring her from getting support?

amber is right that I haven't clearly stated what sort help I want. I wanted to test the waters before really talking about my problems. I now know I cannot possibly talk about them AS I will obviously be upsetting people

No you didnt, I think if you had it may have gone differently. I think you can talk about anything you like, but bear in mind how you word things etc and dont get defensive and refuse to answer questions, where can it actually go if you wont respond?

I suppose this thread will also serve the purpose to warn people that MN isn't the place for talking about relationships difficulty and AS

Thats nonsense.

rosettes so why can you not understand that my dh needs to withdraw? He knows he will end up in a meltdown (and I've seen a few of those in extreme circumstances, and if you need proof that he's not abusive - he hurts himself during those, not me) and takes action avoiding it. Like many adults with AS will do.