It wasn't supposed to be like this

[Rhksmum]

It was all clear in my head what I had to do, but it all went wrong.
The kids were going on holiday with their dad at the start of the week and I had to just get to today when I could pick up my weekly medication and along with the pain medication the Gp gave me last week I wouldnt be here when they came back.
But their flight got cancelled and they came home the next day so I couldnt do it
Why for once cant something go right for me?
Now I feel like I'm in limbo, I should't be here but I am and I dont know how to be or what to do.

I hate myself soo much, am angry at the kids for being here just now, angry at French air traffic control for being on strike and Ryanair for cancelling the flights, just about everyone.

Why isn't it simple?
Why do I always get it wrong?
It all hurts so much but I cant stop it or make it go away :(

I'm so glad you opened up a bit. You must feel so drained now though.

Your psych will just be glad you are still there.

I'm sorry I've not been much use recently but I'm always there if you need me xx

I thought after telling the Dr last week how I was really feeling it would be ok, that the feelings would go away and I would be ok and I guess in away it did for a few days but I think I was panicing more about the fallout to think about anything else.
All this week I have been slipping again, over thinking things, trying to keep my head above water but its not working.

I cant breath, really cant breath, its my sons birthday on Saturday and I have to make a cake, wrap presents, tidy up, try not to think too much because if I do I have bad thoughts, but I cant cope, cant get my head round any of this.
I'm sat looking at my living room and I dont know where to start, the kitchen is just as bad, I have to phone the council for my heating upgrade and I cant, its all so stupid.

I have to be this happy mum, the friend that can do everything for everyone else but I cant be that anymore, I can barely function anymore, I'm going from being numb to feeling everything, I'm losing parts of the day because I'm dissociating really badly.
I dont remember much of my counselling session on Tuesday, remember going and then leaving but the bits inbetween I cant remember and that scares me, what if I've said something bad? Something I shouldnt have told?

I dont know what to do :(