Is this PND again?

[EricNorthmansFangBanger]

For the past few months I have had varying symptoms of depression, though I see now that I have been denying it to myself.

I had my second DD at the end of June and at first everything was fine. As time has gone on I have become moodier, angrier, anxiety ridden and sad. I find myself getting irritated at the smallest thing and am ready to argue with my husband at the slightest thing. My DD2 is a great sleeper but I am still finding myself absolutely exhausted, so much so that I don't want to get up of a morning. Sometimes i find myself tossing and turning throughout the night and it feels like I've not slept. Over the past week I have been having some slightly unsettling thoughts that I have led me to take the Edinburgh test online today. I scored a 19.

My DH has had depression for a number of years and is on and off his medication. We are both at university. I had to take a year out due to the pregnancy and he had to suspend a year due to none attendance which was caused by his depression. Getting him to attend his classes this year is starting to become a problem. We argue over every little thing. Money is a problem and problems with the house are also currently stressing me out. I feel like I want to run away from everything but don't want to leave my girls.

The other day I was looking at the canal by university and had thoughts of throwing myself in. I have had thoughts of self harm but only haven't done it because I'm too scared to. I think my girls would be better off without me, they deserve a mum who is happy and doesn't get angry for no reason. Who has plenty if energy and who doesn't just want to curl up and sleep.

I'm really scared to admit to how I'm feeling. DH is the one with depression - I should be coping. I need to be stronger. I don't know what to do and things just keep piling up. Rows with DH are getting more and more frequent. I just don't know here to turn.

Jnice - very glad to hear that you are getting some help and have made the first step.

Thank you for asking how I got on. The doctor was very nice - I had a bit of a cry and it was so....great to get everything out, I felt a bit of relief to be able to tell someone how I am feeling.

He prescribed me 50mg of sertraline (Lustral). At first I was positive about taking them but I read through the side effects and have kind of scared myself into not taking them. Plus my husband started back on Citalopram last week and has been having side effects of drowsiness and joint pain. I'm not sure that it would be a great idea for us to both be on anti-depressants with side effects going on at the same time - especially when I don't know how it will effect me.

So I have an appointment again with my doctor on Tuesday but I haven't even taken a tablet yet. I guess I am scared of side effects. I've opened the cupboard where they are stored every day and looked at them and then closed the cupboard again.

I woke up this morning and felt rubbish but got myself up and after giving DD2 her bottle I put her in her jumperoo and got DD1 her breakfast then decided to clean. I felt OK and felt quite happy, or normal if you like. As the day has gone on I've felt a bit more down and now I'm just wanting to go curl up in bed and sleep.

I find myself thinking - 'Do I really need these tablets?' and I feel that I do but I'm scared of the unknown :(

I hope you are getting on OK Jnice

Hi eric. I can completely understand. I am hoping I can try cognitive behavioral therapy first but the wait list is up to 12 weeks

I have days where I feel like I can manage and shouldn't be making a fuss but at the moment the bad days outnumber the good.

Can you try therapy first and see if that helps?

Good luck!

I was really not happy with the idea of taking pills, lots of people are, but they are there to correct a chemical imbalance in your brain and if/when you get on ones that work for you, by goodness they make a huge difference.
Saying that sometimes the consequences (if they work in the wrong way) can be interesting.

I took seroxat for depression 15 years ago (not PND). They did work, but took me some time to get off them and initial withdrawal was scary. But I came through in the end. This time I just want to try other options first as I'm bf.

Whatever works though.

I didn't like seroxat, found it really obvious in it's effects. It was prescibed because I was breastfeeding.

Thinking back I did feel drugged. Perhaps that's why I'm nervous to go back on them. If others are less obvious in their effects perhaps I would do better.

Having been on a few different ones now, the effects are very different between different ones(there are in fact three different groups, all of which work in very different ways) and can even vary by dose. Started on citalopram(with initial pnd) which worked at the time, was put back on it a couple of years later, was much less effective so they upped the dose, which then triggered massive nosebleeds.

Eric fwiw, I was on Sertraline until I got pg when I was changed to Citalopram. The only side effects I had was dry mouth and a bit of tiredness, but god, they made me feel so, so much better than I had before, I took them for pnd/anxiety after having dd2, and they really helped me with some of the symptoms you describe, particularly the constant anger/bad temperedness with the kids, and when that started to alleviate, some of the guilt went with it, bit of a rolling effect...

Just had dc3 and am unfortunately on this board because I can feel myself going right down this road again.

Esme, at least you've spotted it and know what you need to do.
With DS(dc2), I had a few thoughts around the six week post natal mark, took myself to the doctors, who prescribed me seroxat and it was all much easier to deal with as a consequence.
I know it would be better if we didn't have to.

esme good luck - at least you caught it early.

I had a call from the clinic saying they will see me on march 15th. I guess there are a lot of depressed moms out there