what would you think if your counsellor said this....

[ThatVikRinA22]

not namechanged for this....being brave because i am about to make myself sound like a neurotic wreck of a creature

ive been undergoing some counselling. its been a bit odd really, i went because i had a terrible child hood in which i suffered rejection, then abuse and neglect, before leaving home at the ripe old age of 15 and being homeless for a while. i had cut all contact with my mother, half brother and step father 12 years ago, but recently my mother had tried to get in touch with me, and i had tried to strike up a relation ship with dead beat drug addicted half brother which turned sour quite quickly.

it had resurrected the bad memories and thats why i had sought counsel.

The counsellor has not touched upon what happened to me at all. Instead he has focused on my personality, trying to change the way i view myself etc. Thats been ok if difficult at times. ive been about 4 times now to see this counsellor.

todays session felt pointless tbh, but i am persevering. He was talking to me about relaxation and inner peace, i had actually got more help on that score from a thread i had on here, and had already decided that i probably need to learn to meditate or similar. He said i was a prime candidate for "burn out". I do have a very stressful and difficult job which im not comfortable in, and i have two children, one teen DD of 14 and one grown up DS of 20, who has autism. (this is relevant....) aswell as a home to run.

at the very end of the session, he said he had noticed i had mentioned my DS a couple of times, and both times, i had mentioned that he has autism.
He said there was no need for me to say that and he wondered why i had mentioned it.
I said i just assumed that when i said that he has autism, that other people would automatically realise that i had my work cut out....that it was hard work, more so than living with a child without a disability,

i pondered a moment and then i said that i realise that when i say that i am mistaken, because how could they know, without experiencing it for themselves.
He said "but you have talked about him going to university"
i said yes. he is accademically bright. He has aspergers.
he said so its just socially then?
i said "in a nutshell, and he operates much younger than his years. I still have to organise so much for him"
He said i need to ask myself why i felt fit to mention it....he said not to take offence, but was it "like a trophy? or was it poor me?"

with that he finished the session.

ive come away feeling deeply unhappy. I do think that when i tell people that they will just realise that i am still doing things for a 20 year old that other people are not doing. I just had to fill in his DSA forms for uni, sort out his accommodation for uni, arrange an appointment at uni for a disability advisor so he can access support etc....on top of work a 54 hour shift rota, and keep a home running.

what would you make of this? am i being over sensitive? i was taken aback a bit, but then i apologised for mentioning it and left.
the more i think about it, the more unhappy i feel about it. Does anyone wear their childrens disability like a trophy? really? i dont feel i do. i do say it when i need to justify why i am still ringing him to remind him of a dental appointment...as i had to do today, or people would just think i was a mad woman who babies her 20 yr old son for no good reason. - wouldnt they?

i have also just realised while writing this down that i have an intense need to justify myself....is this part of the counselling process? to make me think about why i said it?

it took me so long to write this post mumsnet logged me out in the process...well done if you got this far!

thank you. i am embarrassed now by posting that little lot - its not the first time ive spoken of it on here and i worry i am beginning to sound like a stuck record.

i think, i will try and see my gp. there is one new gp there who i didnt know when i worked for them, but i dont think i will do it now, i have a few medical things going to pot at the mo so i dont want to be seen to be living at the doctors at the moment or a pita....i will ditch the counsellor and wait a little while before seeing gp.
anyway - ive got some big things to get through practically for work, so i might just throw my efforts into that for now - i cant do mental multi-tasking!

ill see how i feel after ive got these big work things out of the way. thanks

Vicar I have the same feelings because of what happened to me but mine is shame as it was sexual. I've let it rule my life and hurt lots of people because of it. Don't let it take over.x

I can't believe he actually said the words " is it like a trophy or is it poor me?" . I must have missed that - I thought you were assuming that was what he thought.

What a fucking gobshite .

You shouldn't be embarrassed by admitting that your childhood was shite - I think that there is more harm done to many people by secrecy than by pretty much anything else. Why should we be embarrassed by having it tough, either as adults or as children. It isn't self-pitying to state "my stepfather beat me up" - it's a statement of fact, and of course it's going to affect your view of life.

FFS, if life was smooth sailing for us all the counsellors would be out of a job .

Best of luck to you Vicar, and to everyone who is having/has had a shitty time.

The trouble with counselling is it so much depends on getting a good client/counsellor relationship. Sometimes it just doesn't work.

I understand what approach he was using but he seems to be applying a sledgehammer approach before you've even developed a good working relationship. That's not to say I think he's right, but that he's a klutz regardless.

I hope you find a good counsellor that you can work with. Please don't let this one put you off looking for help.

My situation. In nothing like as horrendous as yours Vicar but there are parallels so I'll tell you why I went to a counsellor, what happened and what difference it made. I've alluded to it on my previous post but I think it might help to see how it can work well.

Like you I also had unresolved issues from childhood. In my case it was being parented by someone who was ill. My therapist thought from what I told her it was a personality disorder. I thought she might be bi-polar because we'd go through cycles where she'd be "normal" for a few days. Affectionate, loving and kind. Then she would change and become unrecognisable. She would torment me with name calling, telling me I would never amount to anything, constantly chipping away at me but worst of all she would twist things or even just make them up and tell my father so that he was angry with me and if he thought there was a pattern of previous bad behaviour even the most minor misdemeanor would be pushished with smacking (violent smacking leaving a bruise on my leg/bottom and brusing on my arm where i had been held for the thrashing). People think my dad is very gentle and kind. He is most of the time but he was unable to control himself properly when angry. My mother used to deliberately wind him up knowing the consequences and then used to stand at the bottom of the stairs screaming at us both () to stop. She thrived on drama and being a victim/martyr and if there wasn't enough she'd create it.

Every time it happened was utterly crushing because I would hope in the good patch that she would stay that way. It wasn't until I was 17 I realised she wouldn't change. I effectively left home then, staying at friends/boyfriends houses until I went to university just before my 19 birthday.

During the time I left home and my trigger incident (when something happens to prompt you to see a counsellor) my sibling also left home and it was just my parents together. That and an event that led my mother to seek counselling resulted in my father becoming aware of my mother's manipulation and standing up to her and defending me for the first time ever.

When I was in my mid-20s I became pregnant and I was the victim of some rather horrible sex discrimination at work due to my pregnancy. Being a victim and out of control again triggered my need to go and see a counsellor.

She helped me see I had been a victim but I wasn't any more. She helped me see the trigger event was minor in comparison with what I had already coped with and we explored how I manage my relationship with my parents and the coping strategies and tactics I already had that worked. She gave me cbt "homework" to do that reinforced the good behaviours.

We explored my fears that I would be a bad parent. That I would repeat my mother's behaviour and mistakes. The counsellor helped me see how different we already were. We agreed what my boundaries were and what my rules were to help (I say we, I yabbered on for hours). She reinforced my good behaviours and helped me tackle my negative thoughts.

I remember being really surprised at the last session when she asked about the work issue that had triggered my seeing her. It seemed so small compared to everything else I had managed and I was dealing with it confidently and in a constructive way. I was also feeling more confident about being pregnant and telling people to back off and stop patronising me. I had come so far and felt I had a clear strategy for dealing with stuff again and that I'd always had it, I'd just lost my way a bit.

I am extremely grateful to her. It has helped enormously.

Can I just add that I am aware there is some contradiction and excuses in the telling of my story. Please can I ask that no one picks at it or criticises it? I know it's not fair or feminist but the construct is important and a key part of my personal coping strategy and criticism would damage that.

Sounds like you need a new counsellor - preferably person-centred, as that might be the best approach to allowing you to tell your story and make sense of it all in your own time, whilst helping you to find your own voice and get some power/control back over how you deal with the past and move on.

I can't tell which approach he is trained in but I am shocked by his comments, which are actually quite damaging and dismissive of your experiencing.

There are various ways of finding a reputable counsellor - several online directories including the BACP site. However many good counsellors don't even register online as they work by word of mouth. Make sure whoever you go with is BACP or UKCP accredited and educated to at least Diploma level in counselling.

isla -thank you for sharing that with me, i understand that it was difficult and i really appreciate you doing that.

i will have a good think about this, but i have told DH today that i am cancelling my next appointment with this man. I was getting fed up of the drive anyway (its a 2 hour round trip as i have to travel to my occupational health dept)

i cant afford to pay for treatment yet, but i may well take a look at the BACP site or more likely i will, at some point, see a gp and see whats available on the nhs.

i t would be good to work out what kind of counselling would be beneficial.

It's ok. It's not upsetting just weird. It just feels like it happened to someone else because the life I have engineered since I left home is mine and none of that stuff has a place in it. Writing about my parents like that is strange when I've reinvented our relationship in a significant way and use mainly unconscious tactics and boundaries to manage that relationship. Also it helps my parents, particularly my mother have some awareness that their behaviour was wrong. Not that we'd ever talk about it of course. The artificial construct is much happier for all of us.

I forgot to mention that one of the main reasons for seeing a therapist for me was because much of my negative thinking was about the pregnancy and I didn't want to burden dh with it. It was an unplanned pregnancy that we had chosen to keep and talking about being resentful and out of control because of it would not have been fair or helpful to him. I needed someone detached who wouldn't have an opinion or agenda but would just listen.

I like who I am now and I acknowledge what happened to me played a huge part in it but it is not now. It's the past and that's how I like it.

There's no harm in asking if you can see a different therapist? Say you need to see one closer to home for practical reasons if necessary. The one you have now sounds like a twat and that he's approaching you as a puzzle to be solved when you sound like you just want to get it all out, have confirmation of the good coping skills you have and get a strategy to talk the negative thinking. Difficult, but not complicated. Apologies if I'm way out with my opinion.

MrsJAlfredPrufrock Sun 08-Jan-12 10:26:31

Hecate - don't you also do it though to make sure people don't think badly of your parenting? Understandably.

No, funnily enough I've not really focused on that. (Although I will now! ) All I can think about is people thinking my children are being rude or ignorant, but I suppose yes, people probably are thinking I'm a shit parent. I just imagine that they are thinking negative things about them and I can't bear it.

The BACP site has a good summary of the different therapies available. I'm studying as an integrative therapist, which means I train in a number of different approaches and can then adapt to the client. That may be something worth looking for. Good luck.

I have a friend having good results with EMDR.

Also have a relative who has a professional role in mental health who has seen far greater results with psychotherapy rather than counselling.

Hope things work out for you Vicar. Sounds like you have been through a lot and have coped far better than many would. You deserve much better than this chap is giving.

I would really like to try EMDR. I am not sure how available it is on the NHS though.

EMDR is amazing. I', paying a very well qualified psychologist £60 an hour for it, but you only need a few sessions. I was cynical, but after the first session a lot of very vivid painful memories have faded to normal memories.

I would like to take you by the hand to a much better counsellor. You are with the wrong one and it's making things worse, not better.

It's so hard shopping for a counsellor because you have to give them a session or two before you have much idea of whether it's going to work, that costs money, time and soul-searching all over.

If you have trauma, I would agree with posters recommending EMDR. Mine was fully funded, very simple and painless - like a magic trick.

If you want talk therapy (which you may well appreciate given your day to day life) you need someone who will listen and go with what you want to talk about, not someone who is blindly following their own agenda. You pay, they listen. End of.

I always talk about what the heck I want to talk about whether it's an annoying checkout operator or my dad dying, in the end it all matches up to the same thing which is that it's on your mind and you could do with someone pretending taking interest.

I can fully recommend Marsha Linehan dvds, v effective programme
faculty.washington.edu/linehan/

well, i plucked up the courage to phone up and explain why i was cancelling my appointments with this guy....i have been offered a different counsellor with specialism in childhood trauma, and its a woman counsellor. She offered me the opportunity to discuss my problem with the original counsellor but i declined and explained that this was not a complaint, simply that i felt i could not continue with him. She said she appreciated my telling them and not simply cancelling.

so fingers crossed - thanks for all the advice. ill see how this pans out. cheers all.

I have only just read this thread.Good Luck VicarIna Tutu.I can relate to a lot of what has been written.I am so sorry about this man upsetting you,I have had similar experiences with so called therapists.Its horrible because you really put your faith in them.I am the mum to a son with severe disabilities and I would have been so very upset by what happened to you.Its hard enough

He sounds like an arsehole IMO.

hi all - i know this is a bump but just wanted to say i started seeing a different counsellor today with expertise in childhood trauma.
she was brilliant. really really brilliant. i have a treatment plan that should take about 4 or 5 sessions, she is going to do something called "rewind" which will only take one session, then CBT and hypnotherapy. Just from what she was saying i could tell she knew what she was doing, she "got" what i wanted straight away and is going to help me. I found it upsetting but relieved that there is something that can help me.

it feel very encouraged by this session. I almost gave up on the whole thing but im glad i stuck with it now. Thanks to those who advised seeking out a different counsellor.

Glad you found a good counsellor IMO it makes a difference mines fab

I also quit counselling several years ago because I felt the counsellor was relentlessly negative and critical, as well as quite unbalanced herself! She was also very weird about my Asperger's son.

She was actually a very well respected professional in her field, but I did later have a conversation about her with a colleague who had worked with her who said she was bonkers, which left me feeling justified. She just analysed things I said to a truly ridiculous extent and turned them back on me in a quite sinister way. Op, your therapist doesnt sound bonkers like this, but I do think its really important you tell him exactly how his comments made you feel in your next session and see how he responds. Amnd trust your instincts - if you dont feel he is helpful, find another counsellor.

Extract from my last session with my counsellor:

Her: 'What time would you like to make our appointment for next next week?'
Me: 'I'm flexible, apart from Thursdays when I don't have any childcare'.
Her: 'Shall we talk about the reasons you can't make yourself available on a Thursday?'
Me: 'Ummmm, well its quite simple really. It is the only day I don't have my mum or husband about to take over if I need to do other things'.
Her: 'I think we really do need to talk about your inability to be flexible....'
Me: 'Ummmm...I can be flexible. I can do ANY OTHER DAY OF THE WEEK, just not Thursdays.'
Her: 'I wouldn't consider that flexibility, and as I said, I do think we should explore this issue'
Me: 'Ok, Well, look, if Thursday is the only day you can do I will talk to my DH and see if he can take an afternoon off work.'
Her: 'I can do any day of the week, I didnt say I could only do Thursdays'
Me: Okaaaaay...so shall we just make an appointment on a different day then?'
Her: 'I think you use your son's autism as an excuse for not getting things done'
Me: Alrighty then, I think I'll get my coat

WTH?