what would you think if your counsellor said this....

[ThatVikRinA22]

not namechanged for this....being brave because i am about to make myself sound like a neurotic wreck of a creature

ive been undergoing some counselling. its been a bit odd really, i went because i had a terrible child hood in which i suffered rejection, then abuse and neglect, before leaving home at the ripe old age of 15 and being homeless for a while. i had cut all contact with my mother, half brother and step father 12 years ago, but recently my mother had tried to get in touch with me, and i had tried to strike up a relation ship with dead beat drug addicted half brother which turned sour quite quickly.

it had resurrected the bad memories and thats why i had sought counsel.

The counsellor has not touched upon what happened to me at all. Instead he has focused on my personality, trying to change the way i view myself etc. Thats been ok if difficult at times. ive been about 4 times now to see this counsellor.

todays session felt pointless tbh, but i am persevering. He was talking to me about relaxation and inner peace, i had actually got more help on that score from a thread i had on here, and had already decided that i probably need to learn to meditate or similar. He said i was a prime candidate for "burn out". I do have a very stressful and difficult job which im not comfortable in, and i have two children, one teen DD of 14 and one grown up DS of 20, who has autism. (this is relevant....) aswell as a home to run.

at the very end of the session, he said he had noticed i had mentioned my DS a couple of times, and both times, i had mentioned that he has autism.
He said there was no need for me to say that and he wondered why i had mentioned it.
I said i just assumed that when i said that he has autism, that other people would automatically realise that i had my work cut out....that it was hard work, more so than living with a child without a disability,

i pondered a moment and then i said that i realise that when i say that i am mistaken, because how could they know, without experiencing it for themselves.
He said "but you have talked about him going to university"
i said yes. he is accademically bright. He has aspergers.
he said so its just socially then?
i said "in a nutshell, and he operates much younger than his years. I still have to organise so much for him"
He said i need to ask myself why i felt fit to mention it....he said not to take offence, but was it "like a trophy? or was it poor me?"

with that he finished the session.

ive come away feeling deeply unhappy. I do think that when i tell people that they will just realise that i am still doing things for a 20 year old that other people are not doing. I just had to fill in his DSA forms for uni, sort out his accommodation for uni, arrange an appointment at uni for a disability advisor so he can access support etc....on top of work a 54 hour shift rota, and keep a home running.

what would you make of this? am i being over sensitive? i was taken aback a bit, but then i apologised for mentioning it and left.
the more i think about it, the more unhappy i feel about it. Does anyone wear their childrens disability like a trophy? really? i dont feel i do. i do say it when i need to justify why i am still ringing him to remind him of a dental appointment...as i had to do today, or people would just think i was a mad woman who babies her 20 yr old son for no good reason. - wouldnt they?

i have also just realised while writing this down that i have an intense need to justify myself....is this part of the counselling process? to make me think about why i said it?

it took me so long to write this post mumsnet logged me out in the process...well done if you got this far!

I saw someone through Occy health at work. They just used to repeat back to me what I'd just told them. And ask me "and how does that make you feel?" repeatedly. But not actually help me with how I was feeling. And she refused to give me her opinion about anything. She was unless.

Unfortunately if you want to discuss your childhood issues it would probably be best seeing someone who is properly qualified eg. psychologist. But there are long waiting lists and you'll have a limited no of sessions on the NHS. It's still worth getting your name on waiting list though (you may have to wait a year).
You could pay but it's expensive :(

I don't think that you are being over sensitive, he seems very unfair.
I would start next session by calmly telling him so.(if you can-I appreciate that it isn't easy).

so im not having much luck with this counselling lark then. it is actually just magnifying all the bad things i feel, i analyse, and ive come away analysing what sort of overpowering mother numpty i must be looking like to have mentioned sons autism - twice!

i think i am just destined to always feel shit.

I'm very [agnry] on your behalf.

Infact, Im' quite hurt on your behalf.

I can't quite analyze why right now...but your son is no more of a "trophy" or a "poor me" than is a toddler or a 90 year old grandmother you care for.

He is just part of your life. An important part.

Some 20 year old's have mortgages (OK, not that may these days, but they did when I was 20) and children of their own - you shouldn't need to justify yourself. You were simply explaining yourself, ie I care for my 90 year old grandmother, rather than I care for my grandmother. You were putting things into context.

You need to find a counsellor that you can work with and this one isn't it.

Honestly he sounds shit. I've actually experienced similar from a consultant psych that I stopped seeing as a result of his comments. I'm amazed he managed to keep any patients.

Call it a bad fit and move on. There are better people out there and when you find the right one it really is worthwhile.

I have had LOADs of counselling/therapy

I would have been very taken aback at that question. I would assume that he had no experience of living with a child with ASD.
It is difficult to form a counselling relationship with someone who has little insight into your life and its challenges.
Too much time can be taken up trying to explain the background and little time is left to deal with the issues you want to deal with.
I would wonder why HE thought it had to be either 'poor me' or 'a trophy'. Why did he chose these two narrow options?

Find another counsellor?

I have concerns about the amount of counsellors being churned out of often third rate 'universities' these days. As a psych nurse i have had plenty of patients referred from gp practices to CMHT's that have had counselling and it has caused far more harm than good. Many counsellors seem to have Nil or little knowledge of mental illness.

Just as in an essay, you do not raise a new point in your conclusion, neither should A good counsellor introduce a new 'point of consideration' into his/her parting comments as yours appeared to do.

Sounds like he/she was possibly experiencing counter transference whereby feelings of their own are stirred up. If it feels like an out of the blue 'attack', it may be this.

"In psychoanalytic theory, counter-transference occurs when the therapist begins to project his or her own unresolved conflicts onto the client. While transference of the client?s conflicts onto the therapist is considered a healthy and normal part of psychodynamic therapy, the therapist?s job is to remain neutral. At one time, counter-transference was widely believed to contaminate the therapeutic relationship. Current thinking is more complex.

Although many now believe it to be inevitable, counter-transference can be damaging if not properly managed. With proper monitoring, however, some sources show that counter-transference can play an important role. Therapists are encouraged to pay close attention to their feelings of counter-transference, and to seek peer review and supervisory guidance as needed. Rather than eliminating counter-transference altogether, the goal is to use those feelings productively rather than harmfully".

Alternatively, it is around the 3rd or 4th session of counselling that the therapist/counsellor may start to gently (or not so gently) challenge their client, pointing out areas of discrepancy, conflict, avoidance etc. This can be rather uncomfortable for the client and it is around this time that many clients leave counselling.

If you want your counselling to work, you will need to address this with your counsellor and tell him how this made you feel. Keep to 'I' talk-how it made you feel, what you interpreted it as, what you think could be meant by it. Then you can move past this.

Mine made comments that took me from feeling faintly positive to feeling like I'd been buried under concrete. I was lucky that he'd already referred me to a great counsellor who realised I was upset, got me to tell him why, and took over my care himself.

I've had counselling. It started as counselling to treat severe emetophobia but lead to therapy to help me desk with an abusive childhood. The therapy dealt with helping me to see past the abuse (emotional, physical) and to separate out the truth from what my childhood had led me to believe.

I also have an adult DS with Asperger's. His Asperger's is relevant to lots of conversations I have about out day to day lives because it affects how we live. I can think of quite a few ways it affects him, I worry that people who don't know him will find some of the things he struggles with are a sign that he's babied when they are, in fact, a direct result of him having Asperger's.

Vicar I think that was a twattish twattish twattish thing for counsellor to say.
And a really crap and unskilled way to end a session leaving such a ridiculous, insensitive interpretation of his hanging in the air for you to deal with.
How DARE he say that there was no need for you to mention that your son has autism. If you need to say if 150 times in a session it is up to you. How dare he offer such a crass either/or interpretation so early on in the counselling relationship before understanding you or having built up adequate trust.
Trust your instinct, you'll know if you feel angry because he's hit the nail on the head about something or because he's not doing his job very well. He might be being provocative to make you think about stuff, but as I say I don't think its very good to do this so early on in the relationship or at the very end of a session.
If you don't feel he's up to it after speaking to him about how you felt I'd persevere and find another counsellor. Can be arduous finding a good counsellor/one you gel with but well worth persevering. Its really bloody tough getting yourself along to counselling in first place and you need to find someone who can help you process stuff rather than just thinking its great if you can just meditate or relax your way through it which might be good tools but not what you have asked from him.

he is a bit odd this fella, but i stuck with him.

on the second session he really needled me....really had a go at me.
this session today was the fourth, and that was his parting shot. i realise that the whole mother/child dynamic is paramount, but i recognised that before i ever sought counselling.

i just think he thinks i wear my sons disability like a badge of honour or something equally bizarre. He did say afterwards that he has no experience of living with anyone with ASD.

i do feel, that i have been a good mother to my two. thats the one thing i have confidence in that i have done right.
so why pull the one thing i feel ive done right to bits and make me feel odd about it?

Vicar absolutely do not blame yourself for this. TRying to get the right help and support for mental health problems is a very hit and miss process IME, but don't give up. You are not destined to feel shit forever, you've just had one bad run in with a shit counsellor. There are other good ones out there. Keep trying. IT's hard I know.

Do you think you could go into the next session and tell him that you don't think you are benefiting from this therapy as you feel the need to discuss the past and if that is not on his agenda then you don't see much point in continuing.

He sounds extraordinarily ignorant. Of course your son's needs are of massive concern to you! There's a whole raft of issues surrounding having a child with sn that a therapist could help with, and it's the therapist's job to help you sort through whatever issues need sorting - childhood, work, children, relationship, whatever. They should never judge, all information is relevant

on your behalf

bloody trophy -what a tosser!!

VIcar

There should be no parting shot in a counselling or therapy session. Merely a wrapping up of the sessions topics, suggestions for homework (if CBT, CAT etc) and a gentle wind down.

He is a crappy practitioner by the sounds of it.

I've had a really good counsellor who needled me and asked me stuff that made me feel a bit uncomfortable and upset.
But in a good way if that's possible???
She was just asking me about bad things in my life that were difficult to discuss. I certainly didn't feel small, odd, undermined, humiliated or judged.
I think you can tell when it's difficult but in a good helpful way, rather than in a bad way.

ah well....

i feel a bit better now actually, i was questioning whether this was really right or not. Hearing the replies on here has made me feel better and trust my feelings.

he said to think about it in the time before our next session which is a month away.

if im honest its left me feeling insecure about the one and only thing i was secure in! that cant be right can it?

im going to bloody tell him that if i go back. im starting to wonder if i should just forget it now tbh.

i mean forget the whole counselling thing....

I have recently had a counsellor through occy health, and have the same job as you vicar so I know what a big deal it can be taking that step. My counsellor also was rubbish but if you go back to occy health they are supposed to find you an alternative. I hope you get the support you need though, our job is tough enough without all your other stresses on top

VIcar-

address it with him either face to face (with a supportive person along if nec) or via a letter.

But please address it. Otherwise this will disempower you and leave you with terribly unresolved feelings. He needs it addressed too.

Vicar-sorry I went a bit over the top in my response :-( and reacted a bit subjectively.
I can't really retract what I said now but please as you say just trust your own feelings. There are some BRILLIANT counsellors out there and the healing can be magical. good luck missus.

I wouldn't be happy I've been going to counselling at the rape crisis centre every couple of weeks since beginning of November to deal with disclosing childhood sexual abuse in September I did the statement in October but I'm working through everything else as well from the way my parents treated me to the way my whole life has been dictated by what he did and she let's me talk about my DS who is SN's she has said its up to me what I talk about.

Yeah addressing it is good. I've sent a couple of letters to counsellors in my time-- felt much better than the thought of them smugly discussing my DNA with their supervisor.