what would you think if your counsellor said this....

[ThatVikRinA22]

not namechanged for this....being brave because i am about to make myself sound like a neurotic wreck of a creature

ive been undergoing some counselling. its been a bit odd really, i went because i had a terrible child hood in which i suffered rejection, then abuse and neglect, before leaving home at the ripe old age of 15 and being homeless for a while. i had cut all contact with my mother, half brother and step father 12 years ago, but recently my mother had tried to get in touch with me, and i had tried to strike up a relation ship with dead beat drug addicted half brother which turned sour quite quickly.

it had resurrected the bad memories and thats why i had sought counsel.

The counsellor has not touched upon what happened to me at all. Instead he has focused on my personality, trying to change the way i view myself etc. Thats been ok if difficult at times. ive been about 4 times now to see this counsellor.

todays session felt pointless tbh, but i am persevering. He was talking to me about relaxation and inner peace, i had actually got more help on that score from a thread i had on here, and had already decided that i probably need to learn to meditate or similar. He said i was a prime candidate for "burn out". I do have a very stressful and difficult job which im not comfortable in, and i have two children, one teen DD of 14 and one grown up DS of 20, who has autism. (this is relevant....) aswell as a home to run.

at the very end of the session, he said he had noticed i had mentioned my DS a couple of times, and both times, i had mentioned that he has autism.
He said there was no need for me to say that and he wondered why i had mentioned it.
I said i just assumed that when i said that he has autism, that other people would automatically realise that i had my work cut out....that it was hard work, more so than living with a child without a disability,

i pondered a moment and then i said that i realise that when i say that i am mistaken, because how could they know, without experiencing it for themselves.
He said "but you have talked about him going to university"
i said yes. he is accademically bright. He has aspergers.
he said so its just socially then?
i said "in a nutshell, and he operates much younger than his years. I still have to organise so much for him"
He said i need to ask myself why i felt fit to mention it....he said not to take offence, but was it "like a trophy? or was it poor me?"

with that he finished the session.

ive come away feeling deeply unhappy. I do think that when i tell people that they will just realise that i am still doing things for a 20 year old that other people are not doing. I just had to fill in his DSA forms for uni, sort out his accommodation for uni, arrange an appointment at uni for a disability advisor so he can access support etc....on top of work a 54 hour shift rota, and keep a home running.

what would you make of this? am i being over sensitive? i was taken aback a bit, but then i apologised for mentioning it and left.
the more i think about it, the more unhappy i feel about it. Does anyone wear their childrens disability like a trophy? really? i dont feel i do. i do say it when i need to justify why i am still ringing him to remind him of a dental appointment...as i had to do today, or people would just think i was a mad woman who babies her 20 yr old son for no good reason. - wouldnt they?

i have also just realised while writing this down that i have an intense need to justify myself....is this part of the counselling process? to make me think about why i said it?

it took me so long to write this post mumsnet logged me out in the process...well done if you got this far!

Ahhh don't give up if it's what you really feel you need! DO NOT let this one idiot put you off for life!
Could you get a referral though your GP? Like a say you may have to wait a while but it's worth doing.
Or look privately if you can afford it?

I have only just seen this, and I too would be furious with this.

You have a 20 year old son. It is essential to mention his autism, otherwise any counsellor will presume he has more or less left home, and is certainly independent.

This is why I resisted counselling until I could find someone who was experienced with teens with mh issues, drug issues and other difficulties. Anyone I talked to before had no understanding whatsoever of what my life is like .

Don't forget the whole counselling thing. But do have a think about what type of counsellor you need - where did this one come from?

He sounds either like a shit counsellor or the wrong type of counsellor for your needs. I have had two very successful sets of therapy in my life, one was CBT as a teenager and that was just what I needed at the time to retrain my thoughts and behaviour to be able to get on with my life as i had developed some anxieties and related behaviours which were a problem to me. More recently I had some more humanistic based counselling to overcome some recent trauma and that also moved on to address some relationship issues I had. In that case I mostly needed someone to tell me that what I was feeling was a normal response to the situation and I could therefore accept my responses and myself. If I had the two types of therapy the other way round then they would have been useless. I have also had a couple of sessions with other counsellors who I just didn't like and I didn't continue with. So perhaps he is just the wrong type of counsellor for you now, someone you will never gel with or just crap.

I was so pleased a few years ago when I got offered psychotherapy on the NHS. I had a terrible upbringing and thought it would be the thing that would finally let me get it out and work through it.

It was horrid! At the time I was having a horrid time at work ( being bullied, left in the end), and thats all the therapist would focus on, often making me feel responsible

For what was happening. I stopped going in the end, and felt worse than when I started as it felt like my last chance had gone.

So OP if he makes you feel uncomfortable then find yourself a new councellor, they are not all helpful.

Vicar I hope you dont mind my joining in. I too have a son with ASD/Aspergers. I have been to counselling for family dynamic issues/ex-h stuff. The counsellor I attended used Glassers approach- I'm not a counsellor so I cant advise you about it but you can google it.
The point I wanted to make was that, while I have been challenged to face my own faults/defects, and to face family stuff; I always leave a session feeling stronger than when I arrived. And when I have stuff to go away and think about, its with a feeling that I have it within me to handle this issue.
Your person sounds as if they have no concept of the difficulties you face and in an attempt to disguise their lack of knowledge, they have thrown it back in your lap. Not fair, not funny.
And really you would be within your rights to think that actually it is a badge of honour and that you do deserve a medal for dealing with all that. (not meant to be head-patting)

Vicar - I don't know much about how counselling "should" go, but I think I remember your previous thread and remember what a difficult time you have had with your family. The counselling you are getting doesn't feel right to me ...

It shouldn't be about your DS, it should be about you and your feelings and the past. You don't sound neurotic at all.

Is this approach for you?

Vicar, I had a shit counsellor once who advised me I should join a Gym to lose weight (I was 8 and a half stone at the time FFS!)

Unfortunately some people enter this because they have a bit of a God complex (Again, Bitter experience)

Not your fault.

Sometimes I think even competent counsellors just get it wrong when it comes to 'reading' a patient. They push when they shouldn't.

Sometimes they can make a snap judgement at the first appointment and stop really listening. I know of someone who had 8+ sessions out of their own pocket and, finding that they weren't getting anywhere, decided to confront this with the (very qualified) professional. They found out that the man didn't know some of the basic facts without referring to his own notes and, when he had, he seemed rather surprised by what he was reading! He'd even got a totally different idea of what the 'goals' of the therapy were, despite it having been clearly discussed. They never went back to see him, and he never billed for that session or tried to follow up!

thanks again all, just making me feel a little better in my own instincts, because my instincts are saying "noooooooooo this is all wrong!!!" and ive just kept going regardless.

i am actually a strong person, mentally, i can cope with just about anything and i have. i dont break. so, ive just kept sitting there like an idiot, nodding and agreeing when all the while ive this little voice in my head going "WTF is this guy on about!??"

i could go back to occy health and ask to see someone else, but i darent. how daft does that sound?
i just think ive managed my own feelings for 40 years, perhaps that was the way to go.
it would have been nice to have had a good counsellor and to put this stuff to bed, but its not happening. and anyway - for the most part it is to bed really - just now and again it rears its ugly head. not often. and i think ive put paid to that anyway now...the family wont try and get in touch again im pretty sure.

anyway - just wanted to say thanks really for making me feel a bit better about how i was feeling regards the counsellor.
instead of saying your having a laff arent you? i just sat there like a fool.

I agree with everybody else, he isn't the one for you due to all the reasons others have said. It shouldn't make you feel like that.

Counselling should be about you and what you need to talk about.

I have seen a few over the years, my latest is definitely the best "click" (for want of a better word) and that really matters in the counselling environ.

It isn't you. Please try somebody else, it can change your life, don't let one dick head stop you from getting help to feel better.

Good luck.

Should also say I had a terrible counseller saw him on and off from (he age of 17-23 he was a CPN never opened up to him saw him again for my DS and he told me it was my fault because he was the only one with problems not my girls he has ADHD,LD's and possible ASD.

Me too think that your counsellor doesn't sound very good at all. I have experience of counsellors and one of them just made me feel awful (and I stuck it for 3 months!) I used to lie in bed for 2 hours in the mornings just feeling so angry about the way she was treating me. I was heading towards amajor episode of severe depression and was hoping she culd help. She just made me so much worse and said some very insulting things to me and I finally walked out of the last session. A week later I was in a psych ward for 3 months - great!

I think you do need to know what kind of therapy you are meant to be having. Some therapists use more than one kind and adapt to fit the particular problem they are dealing with. CBT is about the "here and now" and tries tohelp us turn negative thoughts into more balanced ones. From what you say,your issues are about childhood trauma and you would probably find a psycho dynamic therapist more use, as they look "beneath the surface" but they do make interpretations on what you say, and they can be wrong.

I think the main thing is not what exact method the counsellor is using, but whether you feel comfortable, safe and feel you are being treated with respect. They do tend to say odd things, but I agree with everyone else, it sounds ridiculous that he picked up on this issue about your son. You say it is free, so guess you have to stick with it, unless you can afford to pay and then you may need to see 2 or 3 to find the right one. Mind you don't have to keep on going if it is doing you more harm than good. Although there is a saying "no gain without pain" and therapy/counselling is never going to be an easy ride, because we are talking about painful things in our lives, and sometimes they have to be unearthered so that we can make the feelings more manageable.

I think it is extremely important that you start the next session by telling him how you have been feeling in relation to the comment he made about you saying your son was autistic. You must always be honest and don't think you can't bringup things that are troubling you from the last session. Mind you might get another odd reply! I am seeing an NHS clinical psychologist who I like very much but she said a couple of things that bothered me in one session (trouble is we don't think of them till after usually) and so I started by saying there were 2 things I wanted to bringup from the last session. She listened carefully and then said "how do you want me to respond to that NN" - I was taken aback and I said "I don't know, I hadn't thought of that - it's up to you." She said "I think you want reassurance from me" and I wasn't aware that this was what I wanted and said so, and it sort of faded away, and the rest of the session carried on. However I do findher credible. The irony is that I am getting up to 20 sessions with her on the NHS, whereas I have paid £50 an hour with some counsellors and found them no help at all.

Do make sure you tell this counsellor how you are feeling about his comments and continue to do so, otherwise you will feel more and more frustrated and may give it up prematurely.

Wishing you well

Some counsellors seem to focus more on what you can do to help yourself rather than allowing you to explore the past - sometimes because the number of sessions is limited (especially if offered via occupational health).

Anyway, he does sound like he's making a stab in the dark trying to guess what's causing your problems and is doing so in a very heavy handed way. Sounds like you need someone to hear and acknowledge your story before moving on to look at coping mechanisms. Could you ask him about the possibility of changing counsellors - I'm thinking he can't be the only one available to your organisation?

Counselling doesn't work for everybody - it can stir up a lot of feelings that then need to be dealt with, and IMO doesn't necessarily make things better.

sounds like a shit counsellor to me - I was once FORCED to see a counsellor and he was so crap - sounds v similar

REALLY don't beat yourself up over it - sounds very relevant to me- it impacts on your life - how you operate as aperson and a mother. Your 20 year old is not as independant and separate from you as the average 20 year old....makes a big difference

As you say, you are already coping pretty well.

Good luck

cheers.

problem is im limited to the number i can access so i just feel im wasting time now, not sure whether to put out some feelers regarding changing counsellor, but then again, ive got to start again and have half the number of sessions.

cant afford to pay thats for sure.

could not envisage myself going to the gp (i used to work for my gp as a receptionist!) and spilling my guts.

so back to square one i think....best put some thought into this.

Vicar I went to my Gp and we used to spend a lot of time together outside as our girls did dancing together, she urged me to get pack in touch with police who referred me immediately to crisis centre I spilt my guts to Gp. She also tried to get pychcology services involved but was refused.

I have just changed my gp to spill my guts . I just rang him and told him that I had something confidential, and I felt that as I had known him a long time, and know his secretary personally I would like to talk to someone else.

He gave me a number of a very nice older lady gp. Who I went to see and sat in front of bawling my eyes out for 15 minutes, trying to explain why I was there .

She diagnosed depression (surprise, surprise), and has given me some rather wonderful tablets.

but i used to work for mine, they were my bosses. it would just feel too odd...

and the receptionists i used to work with will all be able to see my notes. They already look at me funny when i go in....

i didnt like working there and they were all small town racist bigots - i didnt fit in.
thats a bit of an aside but....
i think it rules out the gp, really. for now anyway.

god i should clarify the receptionists were bigots - not the gps...

I got what you meant vicar is there another practice sorry I didn't realise the ins and outs I guess when you have a good Gp. And receptionist's you don't realise its not always that way .

No, the new one I saw was a different practice completely.

No notes or anything. My old gp just rang her, didn't write anything in my notes, it was all over the phone (and she can keep it confidential).

She will see me for three months, and then I have to decide whether to transfer practices completely, or go back and confess all to my old gp.

It was something I had been putting off for years. And it turned out to be so simple (when I finally did it). They have been so nice.

Can't you change GPs?

not wanting to change gp - my current gp s are all brilliant gps! the other practice in town is pants - i changed from there to my current one that i ended up working at...

nothings ever simple is it?

I was handed information for private counselling off her for once its all over she reckons I might need something else if I have to go through the added trauma of a trial its not expensive there might be simalir in your area.