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Mental health

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Original poster

Things I HATE about PND . . .

30 replies

expatinscotland · 12/01/2006 23:46

I'm very much starting to believe there is no God. Honestly. And I never thought I'd ever say that.

I definitely don't believe in all that karma, goes around comes around, etc. stuff.

I hate feeling like a miserable failure.

I hate feeling totally out of control.

I hate pretending that everything's fine.

I hate not enjoying my child's babyhood.

I hate wishing this part of my life were in the past.

I could go on and on. Anyone else?

OP posts:

dramaqueen72 · 12/01/2006 23:52

ugh. so sorry this has come back to haunt you expat. just reading that made me think of my previous PND with dd2. youve been here before and i know youve heard it all before too...but make sure you can talk to someone,- HV any good? and get some 'you' time.
did you find a good herbal remedy, i know you were asking...wont you consider anti-d's? mine seem to be working well for me, and i swore blind i'd never take them . CAT me if you want, or come grumble on the postnatal thread.....seems several people are suffering there right now.

mummytosteven · 12/01/2006 23:55

sorry you are feeling poorly expat. We all wear a mask I think, as perfect, in control mothers. I turned up at a babycentre meet up when DS was a few months old, feeling like a complete fraud of a mother, like I was the only one on ADs, the only nutter etc - turned out most of the people there were on ADs. You will be far from alone in having these feelings. Just keep talking and taking the meds, and things will improve.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 12/01/2006 23:56

I just hate PND. Have had a bad day myself today. (Sleep deprivation always makes it worse for me).

However, im aware that in pnd, and in life, you very much have up days and down days. Seems you are having a few more of the down days.

What help are you getting with it?

Original poster

expatinscotland · 13/01/2006 00:36

i think i'm going to have to wean dd2 off the breast pretty soon here, b/c the 'light' stuff just ain't working for me, unfortunately. i'm seeing the consultant psychiatrist here, but i know it's a foregone conclusion that i'm going to need the hard stuff again.

the anxiety has let up a bit. a wee bit. thankful for small pleasures. but the depression is back full force and here to tango.

if i could strike a Faustian bargain to be someone else right now i'd do it. and that pretty much says it all.

yeah, DQ, some of us Dec. ladies haven't had much luck in this department, have we?

evenings and nights are worst, of course.

sometimes i think of the legions of people out there like me, tapping away on their keyboards.

i used to feel crap for not feeling like i loved my baby when so many people can't have them, but at least now i know that's the depression talking.

i hate this shit.

lol! i made a secret new year's resolution to write everyday. that's one i kept, just not in the way i expected.

OP posts:

Original poster

expatinscotland · 13/01/2006 00:37

the 'hard' stuff being a max dosage of my ol' pal Zoloft.

OP posts:

mummytosteven · 13/01/2006 00:43

Hope you can have a thorough discussion with your psych as to whether there is any issue with a high dose of Zoloft and bfing. At least if you took Zoloft before and it helped you last time, you can have more confidence that in a few months time you will feel a hell of a lot better. I think it's also the depression talking when you think "I'ld rather be anyone else but me". I can identify with that feeling - feeling like everyone else is a great mum, coping etc, and you're just this freak because you aren't.

Original poster

expatinscotland · 13/01/2006 00:47

you know it's really bad when you're jealous of people who aren't mums at all. at least, not mums of babies. forget about those seemingly in control mum types. that type never bothered me at all. nah. i knew better than that. people think i'm really pulled together.

nope, i was always the, 'i wish i were someone else and i wish it were a buddhist monk' type.

wanna know the thing that really keeps me going? this is going to sound pitiful, but hey, this is the 'feeling depressed' area so here we are: DD1.

she's 2.5 now and she just lights up every day.

back when i was ill after she was born, i was suicidal.

now at least i don't get that bad b/c i just think about her.

OP posts:

mummytosteven · 13/01/2006 00:50

/whisper i'm not very keen on newborns - much prefer them once they can hold their heads up and stop puking all the time! it's good to have a positive thought to hold onto, like that about DD1. With me it was that I had been that depressed before and come through it, so I knew that with the right medication I could do it again.

Original poster

expatinscotland · 13/01/2006 00:52

i like it when they're old enough to tell you to go away. . that's my daughter's new one. 'go away, mummy' when she doesn't want you to see what she's doing.

actually, another secret: i've always preferred children to babies.

babies are cute and all. but children, aw! they can cuddle you back!

OP posts:

mummytosteven · 13/01/2006 00:53

and feed themselves! I find that a big plus as well.

Original poster

expatinscotland · 13/01/2006 00:55

That's a HUGE one! Or to just drink water from the tap. And come and tell you they're thirsty or hungry. 'Drink of water' as DD1 says. Of course, she wants it mixed w/a little fruit juice. No can do after she's brushed her teeth for the night.

OP posts:

mummytosteven · 13/01/2006 01:00

Good night! off to bed. hope you feel better in the morning.

Janos · 15/01/2006 10:42

Expat, I am so sorry to read that you are feeling like this. Don't know if you remember but yoou gave me so much support on a thread when in split up from my XP (was under a different name. so I would like to try and help if I can.

In one of your posts you said "you know it's really bad when you're jealous of people who aren't mums at all".

I can so, so relate to this. I remember when I was really bad with PND and wishing I was just anyone else at all except me - I was suicidal too.

I think you're in Edinburgh too so please let me know if I can do anything at all to help. CAT me if you like.

Serendippity · 15/01/2006 11:11

Hi Expat,
Hope you don't mind i just popped into the Dec thread to see how you're all feeling after reading alot of you are feeling low.
It will pass. Honestly it will.
I can't begin to tell you what a bad time i had with dd at first, but i remember clearly the day i first told dp, perfectly calmly and rationaly, that we were having her adopted, that i was never meant to be a mum, that i didn't love her etc.
I remember months of telling the HV i was "fine" until eventualy, after crying all morning as usual dp didn't tell me i had mascara all over my cheecks so the HV could see it.
I remember the awful fantasys i had of someone taking dd away, of me hurting her, of me hurting me, of me leaving.
I remeber the horrible morning when dd was laying next to me in bed, and i picked up a pillow and wondered if i could just hold it over her face.

I remember the first time i took ad's a crying for 3 days solidly at how much of a failure i was.

I remember realizing i hadn't cried for a day.

I remember the first time seeing dd actualy made me happy.

I remeber when i fell in love with my daughter.
She was 15 months old.

I hated PND, and i hated myself for having it.
But not nearly as much as i love my daughter now.

Love to all who are suffering, keeep talking. You will all get through this.

Janos · 15/01/2006 11:26

Serendipity has put it much better than I have.

I too can remember having all those horrific feelings...not being able to sleep..what if I just pushed the pram into the road, that kind of thing. Just horrible.

DOn't want to overtstep the mark expat, just thinking of you. Please take care x

Original poster

expatinscotland · 15/01/2006 11:35

I'm reading 'Buddha Da', Janos . Maybe that'll satisfy my 'I'd like to be a Buddhist monk' tangent. It's a great book, anyhow.

This is the second time round for me, so I know this is all temporary. My wee girl is so cute! Her chubby wee cheeks. She's just an itty bitty baby in need of comfort.

She is going thru the normal newborn rough patch - 4 to 6 weeks is the hard time, IIRC.

Getting a couple of hours of fresh air every day has been helpful, too.

We've been trying a different park as often as possible. Think I hear the Meadows calling us today - have to go up the town to pick up some work I'm doing for some extra dosh as it is.

OP posts:

mears · 15/01/2006 11:47

Expat - why do you think you would need to wean her from the breast? You do know that you can have antidepressants whilst breastfeeding?

Aloha · 15/01/2006 11:49

Also are you eating well and taking fish oils? They are supposed to be very good for PND (usually preventing it though) and can't do any harm.
Sorry you feel bad.

Janos · 15/01/2006 11:52

Glad to hear you're feeling a bit better, expat. Going out does help - kind of connecting with the real world.

Hope you enjoy the meadows

Original poster

expatinscotland · 15/01/2006 12:15

Mears
I am on AD's that are compatible w/bfing just now. But for now I'm keeping a log on my depression so we can see if these drugs are going to be what is best for me. I have anxiety issues, which I'm trying to control w/other, non-medication methods as well, although yesterday I had a horrendous panic attack in the car.

I'm hoping I can control the PND w/o having to wean Roisin early.

I've been taking both flaxseed oil and fish oils, B complex and a multivit.

Had a pretty good day yesterday - short panic attack aside - and today is allright.

It's day by day w/this stuff, unfortunately.

It's not as severe as last time, which was basically an 18-month-long fug . . . from hell, during which I was suicidal for months on and off.

I've never had thoughts of harming my baby, but myself is a different matter.

OP posts:

Original poster

expatinscotland · 15/01/2006 12:15

I have to admit I could be eating better. I've gotten quite thin.

OP posts:

mears · 15/01/2006 12:21

this website is good to read

Hadn't actually come across it before although I have read Jack Newman's info. Have a look at 'Illness in Mother' leaflet.

Hope you manage to get a handle on it Expat.

MrsMiggins · 15/01/2006 20:01

just to say hope you're ok

you were so supportive of me with my on going situation and I just wanted to give you support back

I think the journal is a brilliant idea - Ive been writing one since July when I started seeing a counsellor for PND and although the counsellor was rubbish, my journal is something I do every night b4 bed.

years ago (pre marriage & kids) I used to write a journal and it does help when you look back to see how far you've come or that you can have good days when everything seems hopeless

hope today was a good day
xx

Janos · 16/01/2006 12:36

Just checking in to see how you are today, expat.

BTW Roisin is a lovely name.

deenewyearward · 16/01/2006 12:52

As someone who went through this with both dss, (now 2.5 & 5.5) I can relate to you all. When I first saw the title of this thread I wanted to say "people who tell you, we all were a bit down after having baby" and not really understanding where you are.

I hope that things get better, they will honest! and just know that you will come out the other side!

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