WTF should I do?

[ShadowOfFormerSelf]

It was all going so well. xH and I had managed to maintain a reasonable relationship regarding our children and given the issues between us the break up and subsequent arrangements have gone reasonably well.

He phoned me not so long ago and I'm terrified TBH. I don't know anyone where I live, ostracisation, all part of the abuse process. Aided by me being harrassed/attacked/assaulted on a few occasions when out and I've found it increasingly difficult to go out, particularly with the children. Unless with other adults and I don't know any, because he's made sure I haven't had the chance.

Now we're separated but the children and I are in the 'family' home and I have no doubt he'd find a way to enter with his family quite easily if he so wished.

He's been putting me under increasing pressure to allow his mother (long story) to see the DD's, despite the fact that for the last year of our marriage, she had no contact with the DD's by mutual agreement between xH and myself due to her volatile behaviour in front of the children before now.

I managed to hold him off until new year saying that he'd have my final decision then but not encouraging him to believe that I'd allow contact. His family are putting him under immense pressure to make me agree.

I told him my answer is still no earlier and now I am freaking out as I'm sure they will come after me and (if not for) the children. I feel incredibly vulnerable and don't know what to do. This sounds so flipping dramatic, but I suppose the light is finally dawning. I can't stop crying and shaking. I am scared despite the self defence training I did. I've been beaten up by men often enough to feel that what I know will do little to help me if they all come after me. He has several brothers (one of whom hit a gilrl in the face, gave her a nosebleed for calling their mother a name at my wedding) a sister and a barmy mother and father, they're all manipulative and devious and I don't know how to deal with them. I've never liked his family, I'm sorry for rambling. It's jsut hit me that I'm in a fairly shitty position and have no idea what to do.

I have started seeing a counsellor but we haven't got onto this delightful topic yet. I thought things were going ok, felt reasonably confident and reasonably comfortable with how everything was going but I know by his reaction on the phone when I said no about his mother that everything's about to go haywire. So now I feel stupid and scared and blind really.

He's out of the country for another few days on holiday and I feel I have to make a decision as to what to do, fast. My initial thoughts are to get my DD's and myself out of reach for now then go from there. But where can I go or what can I do?

Sorry, I feel like a dickhead. My sister (the PITA as per the chat thread of earlier) is asleep upstairs, pretty much oblivious. Doesn't seem any point going into it with her when she's catching an early flight home tomorrow, there's nothing she can do.

I feel so stupid that I'm letting them make me feel so scared but I also feel stupid for not realising befoer now just how vulnerable the children and I are at present. Not that I think they'd harm the children physically but as for their emotional/mental welfare, this particular clan aren't going to give a toss and never have.

If it throws any light on the matter, I'm BB, though don't know if anyone will pick up on that. I feel housebound as they all live nearby but also fearful that they'll come here. I think my counsellor would support me in getting away but I don't think she's even back at work until after he's back.

Why can't I see my way out of this? I'm so angry with myself! My sense of clarity has dissapeared and it's awful to feel so in the dark. My intuition is bellowing to RUN and when it bothers to kick in (or when I choose to listen) it's usually right.

I'm not expecting any replies at this hour and I'm going to try to get some sleep because I'm sure tomorrow will be harrowing for several reasons but I'm going to post this anyway, if only to make sure I don't try to stick my head in the sand again tomorrow.

Shadow - thanks for updating, and I hope everything goes OK. I don't think I live that far from you, so if you need somewhere to leave some stuff, like the solstic pressies, I would be happy to help.

Thanks Collision, YM and MTS, I really appreciate your replies as I had been a little worried that I'd be judged for my decision.

I know having been an outsider looking in, it can be frustrating to offer support to someone in positions similar or the same to mine. I also know through past experience of abuse, that it can take several attempts at different angles before finding the right way to extricate myself from an abusive (or this time a potentially dangerous) situation.

I feel as though I should (and will) gather more 'tools', information and resources before we go and though I am still scared I think I will have a better grasp on where that fear is based once I've spoken with my counsellor again.

MTS thank you so much for your offer, I appreciate it a great deal. I am aiming to arrange to go away with the girls and stay with far away relatives for a couple of days next week. I will take that opportunity to store the more important items, so that if or when we have to leave in the future I can collect when we're settled. Though, if anything happens between now and then would it be alright to contact you WRT to a couple of bits?

Thanks again xx

Shadow - it's clear from your post that the situation/background with ex and his family is very complex - so I wouldn't presume to even be in a position to be judgmental over your decision, rather than respect it. I appreciate that moving to the refuge would be an enormous upheaval, and it's far better to make a decision to move when you are 100% behind it, rather than have any qualms.

My e-mail addy is [email protected] - if you mail me, I'll mail you contact details/address etc. Or if you prefer I can CAT you with them.

Thank you MTS.

(I'll add you, many thanks!)

i just want to hide you away in a lovely castle somewhere!!!! Glad a move is still on the cards. I think your plan to gather more resources sounds much more realistic than dashing away as it might have failed. The new planned way sounds much more solid and permanant. I would never judge you either just support, sending love and a big hug xx

This is going to sound totally zany but I felt I ought to update (and thanks YM for your kind words ).

I had a long, long talk with xH. Probably the longest, most honest and most in depth discussion we have ever had.

During this talk, he warned me that his mother has arranged a solicitor's appointment to try to access the children.

Following our talk, he asked her not to proceed with taking me to court. She disagreed and proceeded to blather on about what she (and the rest of the clan) thinks of me and hence what I deserve (total disregard for the children's best interests ).....

So (here's the zany bit and I'm really not sure how to take it, I mean, it hasn't sunk in) he arranged a loan today to pay for the children and I to get away

I'm keeping the refuge numbers to hand but it seems that he has managed to break away from his family's herd mentality and has chosen to do what he can to help the children and I.

I could, at this instant, be knocked down with a feather.

sounds like he's trying to be helpful. be careful with him though.

weird. I totally don't get why he has done this probly could do with a bit more history. Is it him who is abusive and threatening or his family? If he has been abusive in the past i'd be inclined to think that this is just his sick way of controlling you still, after all you sort of owe him one for doing this. Personally i'd refuse to take the money and forget about the mother she has no chance of a court order to see them as soon as the judge hears about what a bitch she is and the damage she's done to you so far he'll just tell her to do one. But like i said it sounds like there's a lot more to the whole thing than i could ever presume to know so i just hope you are being strong and independant. Take care of you xxxx

I think yummymummy has put what I was getting at, but far more eloquently: that I am also concerned that the loan may end up being some means of the ex exerting control over you.

hope things are going OK.

haha thanx i cant usually even speak!!!!! Im blode what can i say. But yeah it sounds like a sneaky manipulating control thing defo. But i just hate the guy so far. And his family raaaaaar!!!!!!!! But love you shadow sorry for the outburst!

lol, FWIW I thought you were both eloquent in you're (very valid) point! Thanks for the heads up.
I do think I understand his motives (I do think they're based in a genuine wish to do the right thing) but I'm also aware of tending towards whimsy or maybe blinkers on occasion. I don't like to feel beholden at the best of times but on occasion the pros outweigh the cons. There is more to this (isn't there always!) but YM, I feel it best not to post further details for now.
Thanks to you both for your support and advice