Advice: DH admitted to psych unit- what next?

[fledtoscotland]

Crisis point this morning with his depression. Crisis team agreed voluntary admission to hospital for medication changes and assessment.

Am now at home with DC ages 2 & 3 but feel numb and broken, he's pushed me so far I don't know if I love him anymore- no mean I love him and miss him but am not sure if "in love with him".

Need to sort out debts etc but should be able to pay mortgage on my salary.

What else do I need to do? Where do I go next? My brain is fried and I can't stop crying. I don't want him to leave but we can't go on as we are.

I'm also sorry for what you're going through. It really is very tough and you sound like you are doing really well.
I found my mood was always hugely affected by my last conversation with my DH so I learnt to always try and end on a positive note. I so much wanted him to be 'better'.
I'd also second whoever said that you need to make sure you get help for yourself and the DCs too. I struggled alone for over a year without professional help and it would have made a huge difference if we'd had help earlier.

Just checking in fled. hope you got a bath :)

evening all

today has probably been the worst so far and I cant stop crying today. BIL came over 1st thing so I was able to buy replacement mobile phone for DH (he smashed dropped his last week) - only bought a cheap £12 out of carphonewarehouse but at least he can text and phone now.

Went up to visiting and the ward is so depressing. DH was just sitting reading, very quiet & withdrawn. BIL annoyed me today as he kept saying we need answers and things have to get sorted. I blimming know they do but keeping saying that isnt going to suddenly make that happen. Maybe I'm just pussy-footing around with DH but i'm as much to blame for debts for me spending as much as knowing about DH's ebay and not acting sooner. I'm well aware I need to be frugal and if you look in my cupboards you will see that I do buy a lot of value brands and stock up when things are on offer.

Went to evening visiting alone tonight and marched DH out of ward into main hospital and down to the coffee shop. He seemed much brighter and talkative out in "real life". I've told him that although its not an ultimatum, I cant go through this again. I'm exhausted and feel I'm on a knife-edge between him, BIL, FIL and the boys. I love him with my all but I need to learn to trust him again and we need to focus on our relationship - him talking and me not nagging which i freely admit I do mainly out of desperation to get him to open up.

He spoke to one of the nurses this morning about stresses and how he feels so at least he is speaking to the professionals and accepting their help.

He is very keen to get home. The consultant does a ward round on a friday morning but I dont want him home this weekend. There is another ward round on wednesday so I think that is more realistic at the very earliest. My fantastic best friend has got tomorrow off to help me catch up with things round the house and the boys. He is also off all weekend so is having the boys both days so me and DH can talk more. DH is allowed out of the ward between about 10 and 8 so on saturday we are going to (weather permitting) go out for a walk and get a bite to eat. Not sure about sunday but we need to spend time focussing on the future and how to make it work.

I've also told him about this thread which led to a bit of and eye rolling but will print it out over the weekend as I want him to read my journey through this week and make him realise that I am 110% behind him and I love him but I'm struggling to tread the fine path between kicking him up the backside, walking away and taking over again making his decisions for him so effectively nothing has changed.

x

sorry for yet another essay and norks - no I didnt get a bath :(

Oh, fled I am so sorry you have had a bad day. It could be that all this crap has to be got out of the way before you can get back to real life, but it's still crap.

Have you got your debts sorted, or is that yet another thing that you need to add to your HUGE pile to deal with? You don't need money worries on top of everything else.

BIL sounds a pain, but he is probably conscious that he has a limited time in UK and needs to bugger off back from whence he came.

I know what you mean about him not opening up. When I am depressed I just can't speak about what I am feeling because if I do it makes it too real. To be really honest I don't care about anyone else's feelings, thoughts or worries when I am down, because it is all I can do to hold myself together. That sounds really cruel, but it is not deliberately cruel, it is more not having the energy to care about anything.

Now, as for you. Hooray for best friend! And please pop yourself in a bubbly bath with a small glass of something delicious.

Insomnia shift now engaged

When I say him, I do, of course, mean DH, not BIL, who seems to have opened up a bit too much :)

I sort of knew about the debts but had positioned them nicely and neatly under the carpet along with facing up to DHs depression.

Tonight have had long chats with two brilliant friends - both of with v supportive and its been almost empowering (not sure if the right word) to discuss the situation openly and honestly. Both have given their support in totally different ways but thats what I need.

am now going to watch another episode of Being Human before trying to get more than 3hrs sleep!

The thing about talking about problems is...it makes you feel better :)

Once you actually say the name of your trouble, it loses its power over you and becomes just one of the things you say.
Well done for confiding in some lovely friends. I suspect that you are probably quite a lovely person yourself.

Hope you got some sleep, it is a glorious foggy and sunny morning here, great to wake up to (although the half a mouse on the back doorstep wasn't. Thanks Dpuss)

Morning. Crappy night thanks to both boys being in with me. Ended up shouting at 5.30am making them play in their room.

One cat brought in a bird this morning - he's done it every morning since DH has been in hospital. Amazingly puppy was clean overnight so nice not mopping up puddles at 7am.

Today: bfriend will b here for 9. Take ds1 to nursery, shopping, cut grass as it's finally stopped raining, shower, pick up ds1. Friend is taking boys for afternoon so I can sit down for 30mins before visiting.

you know that time when you are going to mow the grass? how about having a sneaky snooze instead?

I get very cross if Dpuss brings a bird, but am not so fussed about meeces.

thinking of you
x

I'm coming to this very late, but thought I'd add my best wishes, and a couple of comments.

If I'm correct, your DH has been spending a lot of money on ebay (secretively?)? If so, have you mentioned this to the pdoc at the hospital? It might be that your DH has been experiencing hypomanic episodes (periods of elevated mood, but not as extreme as true mania). Overspending can be a sign of this. If that's the case, he might be experiencing bipolar depression, which involves a different set of medication (mood stabilisers). I don't mean to add even more stresss to your life at the moment, but, if it is bipolar, treating him with antidepressants on their own will not help.

I was initially diagnosed with PND, but antidepressants just made me very, very irritable/even more suicidal/hypomanic. There's now a query over whether I'm actually bipolar II (which is episodes of severe depression, combined with shorter periods of mild-ish hypomania). I've since had two mood stabillisers added to a low dose of citalopram and it's changed my life. I have minimal side effects and feel stable.

With help from a clinical psych, I've finally accepted that medication is going to play a big role in keeping me well. This was reinforced a month ago when I, with the assistance of my CPN, tried to reduce one of my medications. It ended in a massive crash, and admission to hospital. It was horrendous and hugely stressful for my DH (so I'm looking at this from the opposite perspective from you). However, I think going in to hospital helped to knock the episode on the head far quicker than if I'd stayed at home. It took me away from all the daily stresses, removed the constant need to try to keep myself safe, allowed me to sleep and generally took me away from 'life' for a while. I hope that's the case for your DH, too. I'm putting my life back together at the moment. I hadn't realised how bad things had become until I'd finally got to experience what 'normality' is.

Anyway, I hope things start to improve for you.

dontrunwithscissors - thanks for that. Had mentioned it to consultant but will speak to nurses again today. That makes sense and I've always wondered if there was a bi-polar element.

norks - grass cut, shopping done, washing done, been to post office. I feel happier knowing my home is "normal" and I'm not having to play catch-up there too.

DH just phone from hospital cos he wanted a chat. He didn't have much to say but it's a step forward he is choosing to interact.

Why do I look forward to and enjoy visiting but feel so upset and negative as soon as I get home?

Perhaps because it's an out of the ordinary and emotive situation? Would you find having someone to chat to helpful? (most areas have support for family members via Mind or other charitable organisations).

It's normal to feel like that. I bet you are pretty tense when you go not knowing what you will find and you'll be on tenterhooks while talking to him as well, plus the travel and that thing that hospital just does to you.

Well done fled for getting your home life sorted and it is very encouraging that DP rang to speak to you. When was the last time he initiated any contact at all?

Has BIL gone home yet? Where do you PIL live, close by?
How are the DSs today?

Hope you get some sleep
X

Crashed out at about 10pm and DS1 woke me at 7.45. Best friend took ds2 last night so I coukd get unbroken sleep and I think I needed it.

Today am picking DH up at 12 and we are going it for afternoon. He has to be back for 8pm. My fantastic friend is taking boys to a fun day at the local softplay.

Have thought v long and v hard about our lives and I do want want to be with DH but we need to both change the way we think so we aren't here again. The v earliest he can get out is Wednesday so today is good to give him a controlled dose of RL.

Norks- he would always phone me lunchtimes/coffeebreakd but that sort of fizzled out a few months ago. Generally our contact has been limited to essential questions and arguments for the last few months.

FIL lives about 25miles away. MIL died in 2004. BIL went home yesterday thankfully. I am grateful for his input but the problems won't disappear overnight much in the way that they are accumulative. Most All of my support is from my best friend who I trained with and two other close friends. All 3 know DH as well as me so they aren't critical of him like BIL but constructive.

Am not sure if talking to a professional will help me too. DH is keen for some kind of family therapy.

Enjoy your saturdays ladies and will update this evening x

Morning.
Been away so have just caught up. DH decided that the meds weren't for him either. He said that they made him disconnected - like being inside the TV looking out. He started doing execise again and that had a huge positive impact.

There are good days and bad days. It is a bumpy old road.

Sleeeeeep. Hope you feel better today.

Thinking of you this afternoon

X

Another rollercoaster day.

Woke this morning nervous and almost nauseous. So excited about spending time with DH yet terrified in case it went wrong.

Anyway best friend came round with DS2 at 11 and I left at 11.30 to go to get DH.

Went and did a bit of shopping (cat food, couple of long sleeved tops for the boys as it seems to have got cold over the last few days and they have outgrown last winters clothes - ffs its august and its blimming freezing north of the border!) Came back to the house and I cut his hair. He had a shower as he said the ward showers are grim and cold. Then went for something to eat.

at times the conversation was a little strained - i want answers to questions that cant be answered let alone said. We've talked about trigger points and how he can avoid stressess. We talked about money/spending etc. He is keen to continue his degree rather than take a year out but I've said not to rush into any decisions right now. Hes said he loves me and I have told him I do love him but he has hurt me over the last few weeks with cruel comments and although I know heat of the moment stuff, but am concerned that he does really feel some of what he's said. He just said he was sorry. DH also keen for the CPN to refer him to support groups in addition to CBT so that he has ongoing support and we spoke about going to the council gym a couple of times a week.

So of course I cried when I dropped him back to the ward tonight. Am picking him up again tomorrow at 11.30 and we are going to go for a walk for a couple of hours. Need to back back as best friend taking his new girlfriend to meet his parents tomorrow night so will have to rescue him from the boys by 4 to give him a chance to get clean boxers

Tonight DS1 cried wanting daddy which broke my heart. DS2 still not mentioned him and was telling me about the poo in his pants. The delights of motherhood

x

Oh, poor fled and your poor DH, what a very difficult day :(
What was he like before he was ill was he cruel and defensive then? If not, the real, kind and funny DH still may be in there somewhere, struggling to get out.

If he doesn't carry on with his degree, will he try to get some work?

Laughed at your friend needed clean boxers to meet his girlfriend's parents. You do things very thoroughly in Scotland, don't you? Down here, it is usually just a pint in the pub, not a knicker inspection.

Insomnia shift is on

X

My darling DH was/is the kindest, most patient person ever. He doesn't deserve this cruel illness. Today he was more like himself that has been in a long time which has give me hope.

Best friend has new girl but is very shy at being forward. I tease him regularly that by the time he gets round to bedding her he will be too old to do anything! He's far too much of a gentleman for his own good. My bet is on her making sure she has a matching set on

That is so lovely that he showed a glimpse of his real self today, but does it make it even harder that you know he could be like that, but can't manage it all the time?

I know when I am ill and then catch myself laughing at something, it is like I have been split apart and one tiny part is still able to find a few things funny, whilst the other 90% can't get up off the sofa, or stop crying. That makes me feel GUILTY that I can't be like that all the time, almost as though I am cheating at being ill.
I don't know if that makes any sense. It is a very odd business, after all.

Just checking in fled to let you know I am thinking of you
X

Thanks Norks.

DH came home again today and it was almost like being with the old DH. we took dogs out for a bit and then just sat reading the sunday papers. Boys came back from best friends about 4pm and we just played lego with them. Had tea and DH put them to bed. DS1's phobia of taps is getting worse and now extends to the shower so it sounded like we were torturing him but he still loved spending time with his dad.

Took DH back to ward at 8pm when my neighbour came and sat in the house. BOth boys asleep by then. Have already prepared DS1 by saying daddy is back at work tomorrow but you will see him later in the week.

Had long chats both days with DH about where we are now and how we are going to stay on an even keel. He says he feels "normal" again but am concerned that once everyday pressures return, will he be able to cope. He knows my concerns. We also spoke about our relationship and have both agreed we need to put effort into maintaining it. We both agreed that last week was a close call and know now what we have to loose all round.

Sad taking him back tonight yet positive that the meds seem to be making a small difference and DH has had time to think and re-evaluate his life and family. He is keen to come home wednesday with CPN support and I think that that will be the right time. We know that there will be help now and if he starts to feel that things are getting on top of him, then the CPN can act to prevent a crisis.

I hope I'm not wearing rose-tinted glasses but I'm trying to be realistic and positive in the same breath and its bloody difficult.

I still need you guys here to keep me grounded and let me voice my thoughts. I re-read the thread last night when I was so upset after DH went back to ward and it made me realise how far we've come since last monday.

x