Advice: DH admitted to psych unit- what next?

[fledtoscotland]

Crisis point this morning with his depression. Crisis team agreed voluntary admission to hospital for medication changes and assessment.

Am now at home with DC ages 2 & 3 but feel numb and broken, he's pushed me so far I don't know if I love him anymore- no mean I love him and miss him but am not sure if "in love with him".

Need to sort out debts etc but should be able to pay mortgage on my salary.

What else do I need to do? Where do I go next? My brain is fried and I can't stop crying. I don't want him to leave but we can't go on as we are.

Glad things are feeling better for you. social workers can help support the family and feed into the medical team the wider effects of whatever is going on. They can be a sounding board for you too. Obviously that is only if you have a good one around. social workers have a much maligned reputation but when they work well they can be a great help (I am not one myself BTW). Hope it all continues to improve.

Fled no you probably did not overreact. I know too many people who have felt desperate to go into hospital and have been kept at home with help of the community team. They agreed to admit him for a reason.

He may seem better now for any number of reasons. However badly and difficultly he was to handle at home he must have known that things were wrong and that he was difficult to handle so there will be relief that it is all in the open and being taken care of. Also the relief of being in hospital and not to have to do his day to day battle with survival on his own.

How are you doing? Sleepless?

And it's time your mask comes off a bit. Not in public, but with a select few people.

Been there honest, have had PTSD which got so bad that I wanted to be dead a lot and DH has had a number of heavy depressed episodes over the years. Keep doing this alone and you will crack. Accept some support.

And please be under no illusions: If DH comes home now and nothing else happens he will slide back very quickly.

I agree with madmouse, accepting the support now is facing up to this and the start to getting better. It's easy to put our head in the sands because to some extent you can live with pretending to be ok, but eventually you crack. 6 years it took me to go to the gp with pnd, and there have been times I wish I hadn't (mainly due to paranoia of what people think of me). Keeping that mask on isn't easy and it's no life.... Keep strong and accept the help.

You did not overreact, fled you ACTED.
Something is happening, change is occurring, things are different.

Inaction wasn't working

You are all fantastic - thankyou for the kind words.

Spoken to nursery manager - her son has mental health issues so kind of understands. Boys can go in for few hours extra each week until DH is better with no fee. I feel overwhelmed by everyones support.

Am worried BIL will get to hospital and wonder why ive dragged him back from Spain.

I know nothing is going to change overnight and he isn't coming home without plan of action in place. BUT I miss him and want him home asap and I think he's scared himself into dealing with the situation.

Ok. Deep breath. Keeping DH in for next few weeks. Meds changed.

Am on phone now but will be on laptop later. Have mixed feelings of missing him, wanting him home and angry about the debt (although that is partly my fault).

Boys are being great. Sat in front of postman pat eating special postman pat dinner aka microwave lasange :) BIL a great help. Is going to help me sort out repayments, we have cut up cards and made a list of bills. He's given me some cash for right now which feels odd to actually have notes in my purse. He's taking me out for lunch tomorrow.

Next door neighbour coming in at 7 so I can go to evening visiting so need to get boys fed and bathed ready for her.

Will update later x

I knew it was a good idea for your BIL to come and help!

OK, it is sad that he is staying in for a while, but that might just give you some breathing space to reorganize life as you would like it to be.

So the consultant did not think that your DH was fine and ready to go home - glad to hear it. Of course you miss him, and that's a good sign.

Very glad the BIL is taking good care of you. You need and deserve it. Do the best you can taking care of yourself - in terms of food, rest and relaxation.

The insomnia shift is now in bed and ready to take your call

evening norks.

Another rollercoaster day. BIL rocked up taking charge. nice of him to do so but hes quite old school and wanting reasons which I cant give. Cross that we have debts but is going to help me sort them out so we spent this afternoon going through things. In some ways far worse that I realised but trying to keep positive and we havent defaulted on anything and have equity so not totally bleak

Anyway, arrived in ward and DH very twitchy and negative. I instantly felt disheartened and that we'd taken 20 steps backwards from yesterday. He went in to chat to consultant alone intially and then I went in with BIL and we spoke to consultant with 2 nurses and DH.

Consultant said that DH needs aggressive drug treatment in the 1st instance followed up with CPN/CBT etc but is looking to keep him in for the next week or two. Think we were all shocked but I agree that the ward is a place of safety at the moment with no pressure and he can have un-interrupted sleep. DH has agreed to stay and I've mixed feelings. Miss him terribly and DS1 is asking again for daddy. BUT we cant go back to where we were and by coming home we are merely brushing problems back where they were rather than facing them and addressing them. (am being especially hard on myself here as it would very much be the easy option for me to take him home now)

Had v long chat with nursery manager who has 1st hand experience of mental health issues in the family and hospital admissions. Boys are going in from 1.30-3 tomorrow with no charge and I can put them in during visiting times for as long as I need. She was very reassuring and they will keep an eye out for any problems with the boys. Strangly enough, DS2 was dry today for the 1st time so its obviously not having an immediate stressful effect on him

Neighbour sat in whilst I went to evening visiting - managed to get both boys asleep by 6.45 but will pay for it at 6am. by the time i'd gone through DH's ebay and spoken to best friend only just sat down. Have over-microwaved horrible chicken burger and tried to eat some of the brick hard roll and now have opened can of cider with the hope it will make me sleep. Failing that I have MN!

and reading back on the posts i'm repeating myself - best get me a bed there too!

i'm finding my thought processes muddled as I cant remember who has asked what and who's been updated.

Still here thinking about you fled. Completely understand your disappointment at what seems a setback with DH's negativity, but its a long and very bumpy road back to 'normal' life. Hope this doesnt sound patronising (dont mean it to at all), but you have come such a long way since you first posted, the way you accept that he needs to stay where he is for a while and that coming home right now wouldnt be in anyone's interests is a huge step. Dont know if you are anything like me, but I just wanted it all made better, right now and got very frustrated when things slipped back. Years of living with a DH who has depression has taught me that its the longer term that really matters not just today,

Whilst living with a depressed partner is tough beyond words, if its a teeny comfort, although my DH still has very dark days from time to time, overall life is good. And the love is still there, maybe even more so because of the shit times.

We're all here holding your hand. Sorry, am nowhere near as eloquent as Norks, but thinking about you just the same

Good morning fled. insomnia failed me and I actually went to sleep, sorry.

Don't worry about rambling, that is the point of MN, nobody minds.

It sound like you had a really tough day, but you are quite right to say 'we can't go back to where we were'. You are at the 'breaking eggs' stage of the omelette.

Miserable to have to deal with money worries as well. is BIL supportive, or just putting you on the naughty step? However horrible, it is usually better to KNOW what you financial situation is...even if it is crappy, because then you have the power over it.

Keep talking we are still here

I just want to cry this morning. Feel helpless and miss him. BIL doesn't mean to be patronising but is slightly (in a kind way). I'm not really getting more than 2-3hrs sleep as my mind goes into overdrive when my body stops.

Folly - not at all. I suppose I have the professional insight into the situation knowing that it's not going to have a quick fix. Most of the time this keeps me going, helps my mask. Yes I accept he needs to be an inpatient but I'm so scared/exhausted/numb. I feel like someone has steamrollered me

Pooh, fled, I am not surprised you feel overwhelmed. That was a HUGE amount of nastiness in just a few days.
Are you at work today? Does that help or make it worse?

Sleep is quite a good plan if you can manage it :)

Patronizing BIL who is prepared to do useful stuff is more bearable than one who just criticizes?

I'm signed off work for 4 weeks thankfully. My job involves a lot of on-the-spot decisions (triage) and I can't think for toffee.

BIL helpful, dont get me wrong but he's very matter-of-fact. Also trying to fend off FIL who wants to know the "reason" for the depression. I find this attitudes exhausting but he's 85 so am trying to humour him.

Have period pains too and just want to lie in hot bath which isn't going to happen as DS1 is having a phobia of taps at the moment so a stuck with a quick shower.

I've told DH about this thread and sort if want him to read it so he gets it from where I'm standing

I think any of the things in the 7.29 post would be enough to deal with
,
I am afraid to say that I did smile at DS1s tap phobia, poor little chap.
Glad you are signed off work, get things sorted. Perhaps a bath is in order when the DSs are at nursery.

Hello fled's DH, if you are reading this sometime in the future.
Please stick with the treatments, therapies and listen to the professionals, they really do know what they are on about.
and kiss your wonderful DW who has been holding it all together

Thanks norks. As usual after kind words I've dissolved into tears although trying not to cry in front of the boys. Ds1 can't handle a tap being turned on for some reason. Makes teeth cleaning and bathing v difficult. It's only been for about 2 wks so shouldn't last long.

DS2 is 3 in 2 wks so need to my arse in gear there. Dh's birthday is next week so my aim is to have him home. Yes quick I know but I neec a goal/focus.

Is DS2 expecting a huge palaver or can you get away with downplaying it a bit?

Could prob even postpone it as DS1 is 4 at the beginning of October and give them a joint day out. Does that sound feasible or just mean? Will he know we are celebrating his day a month late?

Don't know if he will know, but if you say that's what is happening, that is what is happening! Will they need friends as well, or can you get away with just the two of them? (mean mummy here! My poor DS, now 14 only had one birthday party, because we both hated it. Am now very happy to take him and some friends out, although it seems I am require to hide around the corner and not actually talk to him :) just turn up when it is time to pay the bill

fled your posts have had me reduced to tears.

A similar things happened to my dog years ago- I too witnessed her spine collapsing and then the vets attempts to save her- absolutely horrific.

Your poor DH - and poor you! He is is the best place where he could be right now and will get all the help he needs. Having lived through severe depression, I can tell you the best thing you can do for him is to simply be there for him.

You also need support- you will find that people here will always be here for you, if you need a chat or some light hearted relief. Try to make time time to see your friends- even if its a half hour at their house for a coffee.

And have that glass of wine/cider/beer- one drink will not affect parenting skills :)