to feel that my husband needs to buck up and get out of his depression?

[monkies]

My hubby has long suffered from bi-polar manic depression (we've been together for 14 years) and I have always supported him and we've got through the 2 yearly bouts with patience, talking and support. I had our first child in February and these past months have been the happiest I have ever known (it took 6 years and a lot of stressful interventions for me to get pregnant). However, I feel that my husband is determined to spoil it. I have reluctantly returned to work full time, 5 days a week - yuk! because I have to in order to pay the bills / mortgage etc. I have put a really brave face on and have just got on with it even though it breaks my heart to leave them all every day. My hubby works full time as well and baby is cared for by my mum at the mo (which we are all happy with). Recently, and at every opportunity, my husband tells me how low he is feeling and how he can't shake it etc... I love him very much but I am tempted to just tell him to get a grip because we are all working hard and compromising and I can't take his sadness at the moment. Am I being selfish and should I try to find the compassion and patience I have always had for him or am I right to be using all of my energy for keeping it together and enjoying our child?

A lot of people have said it really well - Fabby, you were unnecessarily harsh in your response to the OP. Her feelings are just as valid as her husband's, and if she's reached the end of her tether and needs a bit of support too after 14 years and a baby she's every right. Just because he suffers from MH issues doesn't mean his feelings are more important all the time!

I think she knows herself not to say "get a grip", but she's allowed to feel like it!

OP - YANBU in needing a bit of support for yourself too, good luck with whatever you choose to do. A huge well done for being such a good wife and support to your husband this past 14 years too :)

The people who can "get a grip" will. The serious ones are not capable of solving their own problem

Thanks so much for these posts this morning. I went to bed feeling so utterly devastated last night after some of the responses I got on here. However, the supportive ones make me feel that there is something I and he can do. It scares me how serious come of these posts are... about where it can all end up etc... I can now see that I may be a little frazzled - exclusively breastfeeding (expressing 2x a day at work full time) have not slept more than 3 hours in a row in 6 months etc... then waking up to DH saying how bad he feels. Things seem better this morning. Just for the record, there is NO WAY I am considering leaving / asking him to leave / marriage end or anything like that. I just want the problem to go away. I know, I know, it's not like that but at midnight last night I felt alone and a bit desperate. All this has certainly given me food for thought and it has made me extra patient / loving towards DH since being told that he should not be with me.
We'll get there and I'll look out for some support for myself... that's a difficult one too as I live in a small community and I feel that I am betraying a confidence by talking about his problems with others (I even feel bad / guilty about that now). Thanks anyway. Glad I checked this morning.

I'm sure there are helplines you could ring monkies and talk it through, without feeling like you are breaking a confidence.

Or speak to your doctor.

It sounds like you have your work cut out at the moment, a lot on your plate, I'm not surprised it got to you.

I really do think that you should both reconsider the idea of meds.

I am glad that you feel better, good luck and don't forget the mental health section on MN if you need to talk again.

Thanks - will go there in future, I think. I guess, when you post on a forum called AIBU it's because you slightly suspect that you might be and just want other views! Good to hear all sides though.
So grateful for the responses.

I think some people use this section to vent, they don't take into account the feelings of the other person because the internet seems so distant. It's important to look after yourself also. You must feel as though you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. There's a lot of other people who are in the same boat as you so you're absolutely not alone. Every one of them will have felt as you do, it's fustratration more then anything else.

Fabbychic I've just reported your first post as it was horrible and unhelpful.

OP, YANBU at all; you have the right to your feelings too. Ignore some of the hysterical, OTT attacks on you. I hope your DH improves soon and good luck.

You've had some hostile responses on here. AIBU isn't the best place for gentle support.

I think it's important to look after yourself so you're in a better position to support your DH.

Compare with a physical illness - no-one would tell someone with with cancer to "get a grip and pull themselves together." This is one of the biggest differences with physical v mental health issues. Many people are less compassionate towards mental health, as deep down they feel that the person should just shake it off. However I true depression is totally different from feeling a bit down.

If you feel disloyal discussing his problems with your friends, perhaps you could agree with your DH that you will just confide in one person, someone you both trust not to go blabbing to others. My friend did this when her DP had cancer. He didn't want to tell people at first but she told him she needed to confide in someone. He accepted that

Thanks Orangehat, Rhinestone, belle et al,
It somehow seems easier having just told someone and had some reassurance. Just arranged to meet DH for a picnic lunch. It's not all bad.

I'm aware that the thread title now seems incendiary and could have wound people up. As I said, it was a desperate moment.
Thanks

Monkies - I am glad things have turned more positive in this thread for you. PLease do take on board how important it is for your DH to see a doc though and get a psych referral asap. You need to take care of your own mental health at the moment too - you're working hard, not sleeping enough and having to cope with a lot of negativity - go to see the GP for your own sake as well.

Do you still have a HV come to see you? You could chat to her about your own feelings, never mind your DH.

Re. the small community thing - do you believe no one else knows about your DH's bipolar? I mean, they might not, but they've probably noticed something.
If he continues to go untreated and spirals as others here have said, there's a reasonable chance people might notice something if they haven't already - so don't think of it as "breaking a confidence", think of it as fire-prevention.

Thumb's right. It's a very difficult thing to hide. You've lived with it for so long perhapse you don't realise just how 'odd' (sorry, I can't think of a better word) his behaviour has been as it's 'normal' now. They say that 1/4 people live with a mental illness so a quarter if your village will be affected by something or other. There's no shame in asking for help.

I'm fairly sure MNHQ can change the title of the thread for you. I've been there, in the middle of the night where all of your problems that were small niggles in the daytime seem out of control and you feel so alone. Don't be hard on yourself.

Ignoring the other stuff above, AIBU is not the best place to post. Mental Health would probably be better. I would ask your DH to go and talk to his GP about getting a psych referal. Medicines have come on so much over the years and when the right combination for an individual id found it can make a huge difference to their lives. In the past you've managed, but the extra pressure of a baby on both him and you will make it much harder. The least he could do would be to get more info surely?

And of course you want to tell him to get a grip. You are shattered, working full time when you want to be with your baby more and low on patience because you feel like you're treading water at the moment. It's only natural you'd feel like that. What makes you a nice, supportive partner is that you came on here to vent rather than telling him.

YANBU, I suffer with bi-polar and my dp and mum always tell me to get a grip and realise how lucky i am. it does work and actually I am better than ever

Monkies You are a carer in this case. Just because it isn't physical doesn't change this, you need and deserve support too.

I'm glad you are feeling better, but do look into talking to someone. I'm sure there are support groups out there for partners of people with mental illness.

Talking about it isn't betrayal, and I'm sure your DH wants you to be ok too.

Just started this thread over in MH.

How about asking to have the thread moved to Mental Health?

And a few (((((HUGS))))) for you. Things look pretty grim at stupid o'clock at night, when we most need people. Good thing there's always someone awake on MN :)

Actually, JM, that's a very good idea.

Monkies - report your OP to MNHQ and ask them to move it to Mental Health instead. If you want to change the title, ask them - they might change it at the same time for you.

Why thank you thumb
:o

You sound like I feel about my DH some days at the minute. Some times I need a damn good rant about how unfair it all feels, but I would never actually tell him that as I know he isn't unwell on purpose.

Do you have any support? Not for your DH, but for you (apart from MN of course )

Hello all,

We've moved this thread out of AIBU, as suggested.

MNHQ

Thanks Rowan.

monkies things have changed because you now have a child to think of.

so you need more support for you.
you have to consdier for example - if he has an episode where he needs you (or someone) there - who will take care of the baby? will your mum take baby for the weekend as well?

is that fair on the baby?
(maybe for now is fine but when she older? )

meds - well things have changed and there are more options - if he (and you) wont countenance him taking meds then you are taking risks... not fair on baby/toddler/child to be having to ride it out. you can amke that choice but is it a fair choice for teh child who has to live with that?

read the chapter in anne sheffield on children of a depressed (read MH) parent - they are at risk of suffereing fallout depression and other issues - in short, it says these children need to have a chance when growing up to spend time away from a depressed parent with happy fun people. will your parents be there to do that for her in the future?

see How You Can Survive When They're Depressed : Living and Coping with Depression Fallout

thing is, if your H is needy of you when in this phase then you have to work out practicallly how you deal with the episodes now you have a child to consider. is there someone else who can "look after" your H for example? can he go off stay with relatives or friends during a bad patch? can you and child go off for a weekend away from H to recharge your batteries and your patiience?

you can love and support and be there for him - but you dont have to be a martyr - you can seek help from relatives or outside help via social services as you are officially a carer for him. eg there may be facilities he can go to when in a bad patch. and go see a counsellor for yourself just to talk thru all this. in family therpay with my exP, they constantly told him he was in charge of his depression adn MH, and it was something he had to seek help for and deal with. he was an adult and ahd to take responsibility (be it meds or CBT or whatever - or just knowing when to take himself off and not put his black cloud onto the DC )

www.mind.org.uk/help/people_groups_and_communities/how_to_cope_as_a_carer

you have to put you and your child first.

Thanks. I know that there is a lot to think about now. Dh is not getting any better and threw up with anxiety this morning. I was awake most of the night with dc and am feeling shattered today. Will try to read the suggested materials and reassess things from there. Dh still really reluctant to seek help elsewhere at the mo.
I cannot talk to anyone about this... my mum obviously notices but wouldn't understand and I'd rather not go there. When I said small community earlier I meant island! Its small and we are both well-known here. Too difficult to go to anyone else. Feeling worried that he will affect the baby if not now then later. Anyway - will try to read more and show dh.
It has been dormant for the last two and a half years, Bit of a shocker to deal with now but baby is not in any danger as such. I do have ways / places to go for respite where baby can come too.
Thanks for the advice.

Thanks cestlavielife, have just ordered the book you mentioned.