to feel that my husband needs to buck up and get out of his depression?

[monkies]

My hubby has long suffered from bi-polar manic depression (we've been together for 14 years) and I have always supported him and we've got through the 2 yearly bouts with patience, talking and support. I had our first child in February and these past months have been the happiest I have ever known (it took 6 years and a lot of stressful interventions for me to get pregnant). However, I feel that my husband is determined to spoil it. I have reluctantly returned to work full time, 5 days a week - yuk! because I have to in order to pay the bills / mortgage etc. I have put a really brave face on and have just got on with it even though it breaks my heart to leave them all every day. My hubby works full time as well and baby is cared for by my mum at the mo (which we are all happy with). Recently, and at every opportunity, my husband tells me how low he is feeling and how he can't shake it etc... I love him very much but I am tempted to just tell him to get a grip because we are all working hard and compromising and I can't take his sadness at the moment. Am I being selfish and should I try to find the compassion and patience I have always had for him or am I right to be using all of my energy for keeping it together and enjoying our child?

ditto jareth

That is the problem though, Jareth - she has reacted almost personally to the OP's post and therefore offered a completely biased opinion with no support for the OP's situation. The OP has her DH already in that frame of mind - she doesn't need other posters doing it as well. It's fine to express how it feels to be on the other side - but unkind to be so very unsupportive to the situation the OP is in.

Very true, its a difficult subject though. Fabby obviously has had experience with MH (as ref on this thread) and tbh its obv very raw.

(no offence meant Fabby)

It is obviously too raw for her to post with any sensitivity - I mean, look at these comments:
"People like you make me sick to my stomach.

Your husband is a fool to stay with someone who thinks so little of him and who thinks he can just snap out of it.

I feel so sorry for your partner you are not what he needs at all."

The other bits were informative and potentially useful. These comments are just unsupportive, vicious and uncalled for.

Sorry to be blunt but the pair of you are being very unwise to try and contain bipolar illness without meds.

Monkies, would you think that someone with diabetes should not take insulin for fear of becoming dependent? The nineties is quite a time ago, and a bad experience with one or two meds does not mean your DH will not be able to take other meds. There are far more meds available now as well. Side effects vary from person to person and often clear if you stick it out. Your DH can try other meds if one doesn't work or is intolerable. Bipolar illness is a chemical inbalance though this is a rather simplistic description - other factors interplay with the condition. No use denying it though.

I'm sorry to have to say this but if your DH does not take meds, things will get very much worse. Untreated bipolar gets worse over time. Believe me, it does. The phenomenon is called kindling - the episodes are no longer tied to life events, but arise on their own and the periods of normal functioning get fewer and further between.

In the Nineties I wouldn't take lithium for the same reason that you and your DH will not consider meds. I paid for it. I lost my career, my home and my relationship and nearly my life through suicide. I went to hell for a further nine years until I had to take it - I was in hospital. I got into remission and have a job and a flat, but my house, career and relalationship are gone for good. Please believe me. It won't go away and it won't get better. Don't do what I did and lose everything. I feel so strongly about this - it's almost like watching you walk into a fire; I have to try and get through to you.

PS - a friend thought she could control her condition with alternative remedies and Reiki, etc. She has recently gone roaringly manic. A well known jazz singer thought the same. She is dead.

Amen to that, Rufus.

It is very hard to support a partner who is emotionally low at the same time you are, regardless of other MH issues. It is hard feeling like you're the one responsible for emotionally fixing things, taking a lead etc. I think it's clear the OP isn't going to issue her DH a ultimation, just that she's feeling the stress too.

Fabby - I find it extrordinary that someone with your experience would be so cruel to someone who has said they are struggling to support a loved-one with a MHD!
Telling someone they make you sick because they admit that they are finding it hard to cope seems very unprofessional to me.
Is this what you would say to someone who called up on the helpline you man?

FlabbyChic - I hope you can be a bit kinder on the other forums you say you're on.
To say that suffering from depression is horrible would be a massive understatement, and good for you for getting through it, but it seems to have left you without an ounce of compassion for those who struggle with supporting people suffering from depression. Did nobody try to support you? I bet you were pretty vile at times. Can you not imagine what they might have gone through?

Monkies, I have nothing to add to the really good advice you've been given - would only like to say hang in there, and don't let some of the harsh responses put you off MN. AIBU is a very contentious topic, you were very brave to post here, but if you need to vent in future, Mental Health might be better. And you won't need your flame-retardant suit on

FabbyChic, I meant- another spellcheck blooper courtesy of iPhone autocorrect.

To a certain extent a partner can support someone with depression but they cannot fix them. Mental health issues can destroy a relationship if they turn you into the caretaker and him into the dependent. He has to get outside help - drugs alongside therapy is the most effective combination. I know friends with bi polar have told me that cognitive behavioural therapy worked for them and this is often easy to obtain on the NHS, but he should be under specialist care. If you are feeling drained then you are giving too much of yourself in the effort (understandably) but this can affect your mental health too.

monkies I can understand you ad your husband being fearful of medication but I would encourage you to go back to the GP about it. I had relatively mild depression in comparison with what your husband is suffering and I found it impossible to get myself better without medication.

Typo in my previous post - relationship, not relalationship. Sorry.

One thing - GPs can show little awareness of bipolar disorder. Don't let anyone try to prescribe an anti-depressant without a mood stabililiser such as lithium, valproate, lamotrigine etc for your DH. ADs on their own are poison to bipolar folks as they can cause a sudden switch into mania. A shrink will be fully aware of this; GP perhaps not. This horrible scenario happened to me three times before diagnosis and correct treatment.

I wish you both and your LO all the best, whatever you decide.

Sorry - wish you could edit posts as I want to add something.

CBT is useful but not a quick fix; again it won't do jack shit now but can help once the depression has lifted. It won't bring about remission on its own I had shedloads of talk therapy before remission; all in vain. I'm having psychotherapy now (paying for it myself at a lower rate 'cause I'm skint) and it's proving useful.

And just to explain - I'm an "expert by experience" wheeled in by my GP to help dispel the fears of newly diagnosed patients. I don't pull many punches with them, just as I haven't with you. But things can and will get better with the right treatment. Take courage - I thought my life was over when I went to hospital and got put on meds. On the contrary it was just beginning, in spite of all I lost. Not to be on that demonic roller-coaster is such a relief.

Op is not being harsh at all. Depression does not just affect the person but the people around them, and can place a massive strain on relationships. My SIL had it and my db left her as he could not cope, their kids now grown have been severely affected, she tried to cimmitte suicide in front of them when they were young. Op have you tried counselling, support groups yourself

Seriously he needs to go to the doctor and get some medicine.

I have just started ADs and they have made an absolute world of difference, after struggling on for 2 years (I have 2 preschoolers) I feel normal again. I have my old vigour back, I have started smiling again.

To carry on as I was - leaning on DH massively, not communicating at times, struggling with terribly unhelpful thought, all the rest of it - was not fair on my DH, or my children. And least of all me.

There is a child in the mix now, who will be exposed to your DHs depressive episodes.

For the sake of everyone he needs to give meds another go. Seriously. You are not functioning as a family at the mo and it is not fair on you or the baby, or himself, not to explore all avenues.

OP, your husband has to go and see someone and start on some kind of meds. I have a friend with bi-polar. It's not like ordinary depression and without proper treatment it will spiral out of all control.

My friend has spent umpteen spells in a psych hospital, lost her job and home, her driving license, her way of life through her disorder. She is now working her way through various combinations of meds to find one that works. Her consultant reckons that she has only tried about 1/4 of the different combos and that they just have to persevere until they find one that works for her. She is still unable to work at all or even leave the house a lot of the time and goes for weeks without sleeping but there is some light at the end of the tunnel now, at least. Medication is not like it was 20 years ago and bi-polar is better understood by mental health specialists.

Both your husband and you need some kind of outside support.

I don't have any advice but some sympathy! I have been with my DH for 12 years and he has clinical depression. He does take citalopram and sees a therapist (which uses up any spare cash we have leaving us very skint). We also have a daughter, now nearly 4.

Before we had her I certainly coped much better with his ilness but now I do find it much harder now I also have small girl to consider. Some days I am in tears witht h frustration of it all.

I say YANBU to want to tell him to get a grip..I regularly tell my DH so in my head! However I think YABU if you actually tell him (although I really can see where you are coiming from)

I think that while people who actually suffer from depression can be very helpful in putting across the view of sufferers they have no real idea of what it is like to be on the otherside.....caring for a person with depression is VERY hard work and the feelings of carers and their frustrations are, IMHO, as important as the feelings of the sufferer too., although often ignored. ..depression affects those around too.
So, sorry, no advice, but hugs ((((((((())))))))))))))

monkies, it's obvious you love your DH and have supported him for so long but do you yourself see a therapist? Supporters need support too...

Good post hels

From the perspective of someone whose parents had MH/depression problems, I can understand why this is wearing you out. YOur OH sounds like he is constantly bringing things back to him and talking about himself, seeking you out to tell you how bad he feels (I know someone who does exactly this). This is normal when people are depressed, they look inwards not outwards, but it is very wearing to be around for decades. And now you have a child, you start thinking 'it can't be all about them' whereas in the past you had the energy to listen and be more sympathetic.

This is going to sound awful, but actually perhaps being a little less indulgent of the listening, and a bit more proactive of the 'so what are you going to do about it and how can I help' may work. I found in my own situation, that the depressed person seemed to have no limits about dragging everyone else down with them (waking in the night to tell you how bad they felt, constantly telling you how bad they felt all day), whereas when given some better boundaries, was able to be more positive themselves. I don't mean stop caring, but a more active supportive caring which involves them not just moaning but doing something about it. Rufus' points are very sensible about medication.

Marking to come back to later.

I'm in a similar position, monkies, but at a much earlier stage of realisation. Perfectly understandable that you feel so fed up and angry.

I want to get more advice from some people on here, will be back later.

Hi, I hope you're OK.

There is a lot of medication that has been developed over the past 10-15 years to help manage this so he really does need to see his doctor. I've lived with my mother, her depression and her MH illness since I was 11, it makes a child grow up very quickly as you're the person who 'feels' responsible for them. Even now, 20 odd years later I worry, is she going to make it over here safely? Is she unwell again?
I think that self help is vital though, you can't all go on like this. He needs to take the first step and see the GP. You must be an incredibly loving, strong woman to have cared for him for so long. He must be so proud that he married you.

Life is tough for those of us who live with people with bi-polar. No, we don't know what it's like, and there's nothing we can do about that. We just have to cope as best we can. And sometimes, just sometimes, when we're tired out and have our own problems (and yes, even people who don't have depression can feel down), we are tempted to think - and occasionally say - all of those inappropriate things that we know we shouldn't.

My DH has three children from his first marriage. One of those has been recently diagnosed as suffering too - we see it as a positive that she has someone in her life who totally understands and can help her through the rough parts. Please remember that bi-polar isn't just about depression - there are high's too. My DH is the most fun, funny, confident guy when he is at the 'other end' - I soak that up and use it as fuel to get me through the down bits.

Hi monkies, I don't think you are being harsh. It just sounds to me like you are at the end of your tether. My DH also suffers from depression (to the point of being suicidal) and I know how hard it is. It is very hard when you are already working hard, taking care of a baby and doing everything else to be supportive. I really do feel for you. I also think you know that he really can't snap out of it, but at the same I recognise that utter frustration that makes you want to say that to him! Have you considered getting any counselling/support for yourself? I have recently done this and it has helped enormously. My situation hasn't changed but I have more perspective on it now. Do you ever get a break - time with friends or family away from him? Do the two of you ever get chance to be together? I also think that while he can't snap put of it he can be encouraged to see his doctor, review his medication, see a counsellor or whatever. my DH is on Citalopram and I think it has literally saved his life. Good luck and feel free to PM me if you want some support. Living with someone with depression is very draining, I know. XX